I'm 41 and have been an alcoholic since my first drink at 12 or 13. I knew it and never really had the denial stage. All my friends knew it, but they were all heavy drinkers in high school, college and then into their early 20's, where most of them cut back to normal people drinkers. Probably 25% of us who were true alcoholics didn't and most stopped and started going to meetings because they knew and accepted what they are. I knew it about myself but didn't care.
I, like you, was the fun guy at the party, until I got into my 30s and became completely reclusive and wanted to be at my house alone, with a bottle of jameson and a pack of cigarettes. That is what I loved. Every night. That is what I thought I loved, but I was in denial about that being my happy place. I was miserable and hated people. I would go weeks without seeing people besides giving someone money at the liquor store checkout. That is what I became after being a social person all my life.
I didn't have friends besides the ones I grew up with, but I didn't live in the same state as any of them or any family and that was partly by alcoholic design even though I didn't acknowledge that part of the equation. Around 30 I started getting regular, routine check ups at the doctor and lied to him about my drinking. My liver counts were bad and an ultrasound showed I had fatty liver. I knew what it was and what it was from and I didn't care. I had a bottle waiting for me at home, so fucking hurry up doc, I gotta get out of here.
This all continued for ten years with a couple half-assed efforts of stopping. So this past summer I fell a couple times and couldn't get up. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 days even to make it to the bathroom, so you can imagine what that looked like. Just 3 bottles of whiskey and covered in my own waste. My buddy, who is also an alcoholic found me and called an ambulance. I was straight with the ER people about everything. They did all the tests and I had a good idea what was coming next. It was full on cirrhosis.
So there it was and I knew I was killing myself and I wasn't suicidal, I just couldn't and didn't want to stop. But I deep down knew my life would be so much better if I did because I wasn't myself and hadn't been in 15 years. My 7 year old niece told me she had never seen me smile and that crushed me. So oddly enough, when they told me I had an irreversible liver disease that would most likely kill me, I wasn't scared, I was strangely relieved because I knew that was the only thing that would make me stop and stopping was the only thing that would make me happy.
So today is 228 days without a drink and I'm a different person. Completely different. I'm happy and energetic all the time. I don't get irritated with everything and everyone. It's almost like living in a happy, zen type place that I never knew was in my makeup. I love every minute of it and it's also terrifying. Terrifying because I know I'm still in the honeymoon phase with this and terrifying because I'm learning who I am as a person. It's the first time in my adult life that I haven't been looking for a drink and planning when I would be able to get to my alone time with my bottle.
Every experience is different now because of that and I have no idea how I'm going to react to every situation, big or small, because I'm getting to know myself all over again. It is scarey as hell and exciting as hell. It's truly a new life. 4 months after I stopped, one of my best friends dropped dead of a heart attack at 41. I went up to Chicago to bury him. I didn't have any idea how I would handle it. My friends are all from my childhood and we are really, really tight, so it helped having them there. We all went to a bar after the funeral and it wasn't hard for me at all to not drink, but when I left and was alone again, I got a pretty strong urge.
A month ago another very close friend of mine got married out in California, so this time the whole crew would be back together for a fun occasion. That wasn't hard for me either and I was very worried it would be. But some of us alcoholics didn't drink and the non alcoholics got drunk because it was one of those occasions for it. And every single one of them told me how proud they were of me and brought me diet cokes. So now I'm at my parents for the holidays and they really stress me out, but every day and every experience, I gain more confidence and a little less worry about picking up the bottle.
Bottom line, if I drink I will die, and I want to take this ride as long as I can. Just 228 days ago, I didn't care. Now I'm all smiles for my niece and everyone else.