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I am having a hard time right now. My uncle Mike passed away unexpectedly last night. He was a surrogate father to me and my brother since my dad passed away in 2005. In recent years, his wife (my mom’s sister) was diagnosed with dementia. That was in 2018. She is now in an Alzheimer’s home. I feel like I fucked up last night. My uncle lives near Houston. He lived by himself but his daughters and family were nearby. He wore an Apple Watch…if his heart stopped beating his daughters would get an alert. One of his daughters called me last night saying the alert had gone off and they tried calling him and when he did not pick up called the paramedics. It took 28 minutes for my cousin and her sister to drive to his house and the paramedics were just standing outside even though she’d told them to break the door down. I feel so shit ass for not doing something more like insisting or calling. He was the best friend to me and my brother and now he is gone. And the whole time I’m on the phone with my cousin as she is driving trying to be calm and so she wouldn’t get in an accident. He was the best friend my mom had these last few years after my aunt (my mom’s sister was diagnosed first with dementia and then developed Alzheimer’s) this is harder for me than when my dad died. I’m having a huge time coping. 

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Posted
On 5/3/2023 at 2:17 PM, Grade of D as in David said:

I've not taken Xanax. I tried Zoloft 2 different times and it didn't work for me. I am taking Lexapro now and it has been helpful as a mood stabilizer and anxiety relief.

I suggest trying them and if they don't work try something else until you get it right. 

Also therapy has been great for me. If you need a recommendation I'd be happy to send you one.

Id say they're not really comparable.  Xanax is a benzodiazepine, which is basically alcohol in a pill form.  It just dulls your response to anxiety provoking events.  And it's highly physically addictive, with a very unpleasant withdrawal.

Lexapro is an SSRI, like Prozac, Zoloft and several others.  The mechanism is a little uncertain now, but one of them may be effective for you for depression and anxiety.  It is more therapeutic than benzos like Xanax that basically just treat the symptoms.

Benzos are effective at treating anxiety symptoms, which poses two problems.  One is you take it while experiencing anxiety, so the relief is incomplete, or you take it all the time and become an addict, but rarely experience anxiety because you're low-level fucked up all the time.

SSRIs are not completely free of side effects and have some "withdrawals," as well, but generally aren't thought of as addictive.  For long-term treatment of anxiety, trying a "round" of SSRIs (trial and error to find an effective one) is probably worthwhile.

That said, I've taken neither.  I took Librium, another benzo, for alcohol withdrawal, for a few days, and took Zoloft (I think memory fades) for a year or two in early sobriety to take the edge off and found it to be reasonably effective.

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Posted
14 hours ago, Nicole44 said:

I am having a hard time right now. My uncle Mike passed away unexpectedly last night. He was a surrogate father to me and my brother since my dad passed away in 2005. In recent years, his wife (my mom’s sister) was diagnosed with dementia. That was in 2018. She is now in an Alzheimer’s home. I feel like I fucked up last night. My uncle lives near Houston. He lived by himself but his daughters and family were nearby. He wore an Apple Watch…if his heart stopped beating his daughters would get an alert. One of his daughters called me last night saying the alert had gone off and they tried calling him and when he did not pick up called the paramedics. It took 28 minutes for my cousin and her sister to drive to his house and the paramedics were just standing outside even though she’d told them to break the door down. I feel so shit ass for not doing something more like insisting or calling. He was the best friend to me and my brother and now he is gone. And the whole time I’m on the phone with my cousin as she is driving trying to be calm and so she wouldn’t get in an accident. He was the best friend my mom had these last few years after my aunt (my mom’s sister was diagnosed first with dementia and then developed Alzheimer’s) this is harder for me than when my dad died. I’m having a huge time coping. 

At times like these, there are no great words of wisdom from others.

Sadness, sorrow, grief ... are so individualized. They are unique for each and every one of us.

Maybe at this time, because this sadness is so incredibly new, allow yourself to feel the sadness. But a sadness because a person you loved, a person who had such meaning for you, has transitioned on from our existence. Maybe realizing that that sadness is natural, it happens within us all and the fact that Uncle Mike is in a place so beyond our comprehension, is the cause of that sadness. NOT anything you did or did not do.

And I truly believe that realizing the true cause of your sadness, acknowledging it, knowing it is part of the human condition. This will allow you to have a greater understanding of the incredible impact he had in your life.

That sadness hurts right now. That is the way of life. But, from that pain and sorrow can eventually come love for a life well lived and the impact he had on you and your brother. It may not be time to celebrate his life. But it sounds like some of the best parts of your beloved Uncle Mike live on through you.

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Posted
On 5/11/2023 at 10:53 AM, troph said:

 

Troph, you belong here. 

I can't imagine the constant stresses and anxiety you live with as well as the loss you have been forced to experience. It really helps put my own issues into perspective and help me realize that I'm fortunate in so many ways.

I hope for you, the pain fades with time. I also hope you find joy in your authentic self and the life you are making for yourself.

You are loved.

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Posted
On 5/2/2023 at 2:07 PM, closetohumping said:

Can anyone compare their experiences with Xanax and Lexi pro?

I have tried both, but not at the same time.  As the poster above said, they are pretty different drugs.  Xanax zonked me out, numbed me up.  It’s like alcohol in the sense that if you’re feeling a panic or anxiety attack come on, you pop a Xanax and it relieves the symptoms, but I really can’t understand how anyone can be on it all the time.  Xanax was moderately useful for panic attacks but didn’t do anything for depression in my case.  Lexapro is an antidepressant that was less acute in its effect on me.  It also made it so I couldn’t cum which was a total non-starter for me so I dropped it after just a couple months; on top of that it just didn’t really help my depression.

Caveat to the rest of this post: *I am not a doctor, this is an anecdote, listen to your doctor over me*.  Also TLDR: get enough sleep, exercise, and gratitude, and watch your diet.
 

Spoiler

I was depressed/suicidal on and off (mostly on) for over a decade and tried pretty much every depression med available including several off label options.  I had a some success with Wellbutrin but it only lasted a couple months and then wore off and an increased dose didn’t work.  Therapy with both a psychiatrist and a therapist didn’t do me any good.  I was left with taking shit to the next level (ketamine, electroshock, psychedelics, etc.) or giving up.  I started keeping a very detailed spreadsheet of my feelings and depression triggers over the course of a year (pretty sure I’m ocd) and eventually worked out that there are 7 things I can do to avoid depression/suicidal thoughts:

1. Get enough sleep

2. Get enough exercise

3. Eat right (maximize protein, fiber, and natural vitamins; minimize caffeine, alcohol, drugs, fat, and sugar)

4. Practice gratitude

5. Get enough sunlight 

6. Get enough in-person positive social interaction 

7. Do one productive thing every day

Doing those things consistently hasn’t made my life a never ending orgasm or anything but it has kept me out of the kind of dangerous lows I was regularly fighting for years.  The last 3 years have been the best of my adult life in terms of mental health.  I should also note I have found a lot of purpose/joy in raising my kids (4 and 7) so that could be another factor in why I’m not as bad off with depression as before.

Anyway, through all the professional advice/prescriptions I had, nobody ever mentioned sleep, diet, or exercise, and those things have made a big difference for me.  Good luck to all.

 

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Posted
1 hour ago, Snake Diggity said:

I have tried both, but not at the same time.  As the poster above said, they are pretty different drugs.  Xanax zonked me out, numbed me up.  It’s like alcohol in the sense that if you’re feeling a panic or anxiety attack come on, you pop a Xanax and it relieves the symptoms, but I really can’t understand how anyone can be on it all the time.  Xanax was moderately useful for panic attacks but didn’t do anything for depression in my case.  Lexapro is an antidepressant that was less acute in its effect on me.  It also made it so I couldn’t cum which was a total non-starter for me so I dropped it after just a couple months; on top of that it just didn’t really help my depression.

Caveat to the rest of this post: *I am not a doctor, this is an anecdote, listen to your doctor over me*.  Also TLDR: get enough sleep, exercise, and gratitude, and watch your diet.
 

  Reveal hidden contents

I was depressed/suicidal on and off (mostly on) for over a decade and tried pretty much every depression med available including several off label options.  I had a some success with Wellbutrin but it only lasted a couple months and then wore off and an increased dose didn’t work.  Therapy with both a psychiatrist and a therapist didn’t do me any good.  I was left with taking shit to the next level (ketamine, electroshock, psychedelics, etc.) or giving up.  I started keeping a very detailed spreadsheet of my feelings and depression triggers over the course of a year (pretty sure I’m ocd) and eventually worked out that there are 7 things I can do to avoid depression/suicidal thoughts:

1. Get enough sleep

2. Get enough exercise

3. Eat right (maximize protein, fiber, and natural vitamins; minimize caffeine, alcohol, drugs, fat, and sugar)

4. Practice gratitude

5. Get enough sunlight 

6. Get enough in-person positive social interaction 

7. Do one productive thing every day

Doing those things consistently hasn’t made my life a never ending orgasm or anything but it has kept me out of the kind of dangerous lows I was regularly fighting for years.  The last 3 years have been the best of my adult life in terms of mental health.  I should also note I have found a lot of purpose/joy in raising my kids (4 and 7) so that could be another factor in why I’m not as bad off with depression as before.

Anyway, through all the professional advice/prescriptions I had, nobody ever mentioned sleep, diet, or exercise, and those things have made a big difference for me.  Good luck to all.

 

Couldn’t cum?  Come again?

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Posted (edited)

This popped up on the timeline today. One of the Jesuits I follow. I get over here for share time and there's Snake with his own personal level research. 

I think I have said it a bazillion times. 

I don't have the slightest idea what is going to work for you. All I can do is share some of what I do and what I have heard and seen. I'm convinced there's no recipe that works 100% of the time. We are unique specimens. We can share experiences. We can share social status, ethnicity, and a thousand other demographics. But, my tears are my own. My joy is unexplainable. We do the best we can to share them in art, words, therapy sessions, and group activities, but there's a gap between the part we experience and what we can share. The ideal is not capable of being truly realized.

So we just keep on searching. Muddling along, dancing in the sun, and crying at the moon.

I don't know how to fix anyone. All I can do is share what I did and felt. Man it's one day at a time. 

Anyhow here is an article about Therapy.

Free click. It's a share 

Occasionally I tried to raise the question with friends who were in therapy themselves, but they often seemed intent on changing the subject or even responded with a little hostility. I sensed that simply introducing the issue of research findings struck them as either threatening or irrelevant. What did some study matter in the face of the intangibles that enhanced their lives — a flash of insight, a new understanding of an irrational anger, a fresh recognition of another’s point of view? I, too, have no doubt that therapy can change people’s lives, and yet I still wanted to know how reliably it offers actual relief from suffering. Does therapy resolve the symptoms that cause so much pain — the feeling of dread in people who deal with anxiety, or insomnia in people who are depressed? Does the talking cure, in fact, cure? And if it does, how well?

 

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/16/magazine/does-therapy-work.html?unlocked_article_code=mNwRuuECQWyEZ_Pf7FA3cFPV27vOheh7wyYArP6-M4DMnbsZB-ZeQvIe50XOEAMDReRE1SQVECovOnr3HVqcK0imqbGqomg5n_gs4EJTURTHTP2fyCzGOG3YfaWrq8Wpty9IQOOUdk_UstqupYYTCoIWlbHX_ctX_LPBKWTY91TjUDZhhwLyXSUN7AQUa7bHN2KMDeeo0EwafUUfrw6kef3b42bzkMH2vClTh9l_6AM2iTkGOk4jUhpPyrqJ7Tah3B5R--NveRJGZN5yivNMSdb4eEaP3Q7VRe7aRxSLmJfkwBJtj3T6gTxAoqWs25k2EJBYP0KdBSJAUROH&smid=url-share

 

 

 

Edited by cactusflinthead
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Posted
6 hours ago, Lidig8r said:

What are your pronouns? Are you straight? Are you gay? Are you bi? Are you non-binary? Are you trans? If so, pre-op trans or transitional trans?  WE MUST KNOW.

But, the question is rarely asked ... why do we have to know? Is it a need to know if someone is in our tribe? Are you in my tribe? Do you think like me?

It seems to me that this is more often about those labeling themselves and making sure everyone else knows those labels than it is about people prying this information out of people. Of course, there’s no shortage of people who think everything is their business and who are looking for any chance to demean the choices, or statuses, of other people. But we shouldn’t pretend that, very often, the answers to those kinds of questions are given whether anyone cares or not and not because people have some burning desire to know. 

My tribe is those who will leave other people the hell alone to make their own choices until those choices cause people reasonably specific harm without their consent. And those who point and laugh in the direction of Norman and College Station. Sure, there are situations with competing interests, and those can be hard to sort out, but, generally, leaving people alone seems like a good starting point  

I’d like to say it takes a special kind of jackass to try to make someone feel “other” simply that person is different or makes different choices, but, at this point, that appears to be the default setting for human behavior. A little less emphasis on group membership and a little more on the actual people involved would be a good thing, imo. It’s been my experience that people of wildly different backgrounds and viewpoints can become friends over something as relatively simple as liking the same college football team, so it doesn’t take an outrageous amount of commonality.

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Posted

Nearly everyone thinks they are "live and let live" types.  But they're not.  They're judgmental assholes who feel the need to prod into everyone's lives either by proxy or force.  It can swing the other way too, you can over-advocate.  I am guilty of both, we all are. 

But to tie this back to mental wellness.  One of the best things I ever did was about 15-20 years ago, I just let go of hangups about people who were "other."  If you can help, help.  If you can't, get out of the way.  With your pocketbook, your vote, your service, your brain bandwidth.  Either help or get the fuck out of the way.  Every single human you meet is battling their own personal hellscape, they don't need your own shit projected on top of that.  Most people don't  have the resources or time or energy to care for every "other" group out there.  That's totally fine.  It's in our DNA to not be able to do all that.  But just leaving them the fuck alone is such a huge help, they don't need our shit.    

For the last 10 years I was masking my own shit and chemical imbalance with self-medication of a sort.  But I thank god and nature that I had at least laid a foundation of caring and service before that (that 15-20 year ago come to Jesus moment I mentioned), because if I was starting my recovery with a systemic disdain for "others" and not accustomed to faith and charity, I'd be even more lost.  

One interesting tidbit---I had to renew some mental well checks for DCSA at the Pentagon for a company I've been working with, as well as FBI background.  Then for a UT project, had to undergo a renewal from DPS and UT System police.  I disclosed a major health change in the last year and they take that into account.  All checks came back with flying colors and it was all I could do to not laugh at the DoD.  You guys think I'm the picture of sanity then something is really fucked up with our national security protocol. 

Be kind to someone today.      

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Posted (edited)

Thanks @BearSchlong 

the world is full of pain and suffering and I think how we respond to it and how we help others in it is truly what defines our character. And like what’s his name said to ringo in the diner, we on this thread are trying real hard to be the Shepard.  You’re doing the lord’s work, keep it up.

Edited by troph
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Posted

Thanks Schlong of the Bear.

The past two weeks have been incredibly trying and I am still processing if true change is coming... or if it is merely a facade. 

Will detail in the next day or so when I can articulate clearly.

Am grateful for this thread.

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Posted
On 5/25/2023 at 8:17 AM, YGIFS said:

Every single human you meet is battling their own personal hellscape, they don't need your own shit projected on top of that.

A good observation.  We often say "you don't know what that person is dealing with." And that's true as far as it goes.  Probably best to assume that whatever it is, it's bad, at least in that person's perception.  So yeah, help or go away.

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Posted
On 6/11/2023 at 1:55 AM, BearSchlong said:

several of you have been on my mind as I've been with my only blood sibling (sister) and BIL for two days following their 15-year-old son’s suicide.

[mention=93]troph[/mention] for sharing your journey. My nephew was gender fluid and gay, which I knew would be the case when he was about 6. He hadn’t made definitive decisions, but his parents would have supported gender-affirming care from the beginning. It was a judgment-free household.

My Jack hated that he was tall, hated that he had to shave. In his mind, he wanted to be waif-like and delicate.

[mention=137]lidig8r[/mention] for sharing your daughter’s story and your resulting activism. My sis and BIL have decided their new calling is assisting the families of others in similar situations.

The last two days have been the hardest in my life. My baby sister is wholly shattered, and can’t comprehend her powerlessness in a crisis she couldn’t have envisioned. My BIL is second-guessing every parenting decision he has ever made. And they were the ideal parents; open-minded, supportive, and willing to sacrifice everything for their child. This happened in progressive as fuck Happy Valley, OR, where the churches fly pride flags, and the schools have LGBTQ clubs.

Today I drug them and my remaining nephew out of the house and drove up the Columbia River gorge to White Salmon, WA, for lunch. I had to get them away from where he died and into a scenic vista to help them process.

I loved that kid so much. In my mind, he was perfect. My job this weekend is to be their rock while they lose their shit. I still can’t believe this is real.

Oh my God words are no good here. Whatever you need man let me know. If you need to talk I’ll PM you my number. Sometimes having someone to listen to you in such a grief-filled time as this can be cleansing for the soul.

Posted
Oh my God words are no good here. Whatever you need man let me know. If you need to talk I’ll PM you my number. Sometimes having someone to listen to you in such a grief-filled time as this can be cleansing for the soul.

Thanks man. We were actually talking about their recent New York trip, you met him. The non-baseball-obsessed kid.
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Posted

Appreciate it.

I'm numb. Trying to get back to work a little today.

And I have a new favorite baseball team, I haven't really had one since the 1990s Rangers. But my surviving nephew’s team is Toronto, and I promised him I'd watch them the rest of the season. Maybe I'm trauma bonding but it's clear I need more in common with him.

My sister is shattered, but she is a survivor. She was a marathon runner until surviving a stroke at 37, and is pretty even keeled. She's very social and has a lot of friends to share her burden.

My BIL is just in angry anguish. I watched him obsess over mortuary stuff for an entire weekend. The thought of any business profiting from his sons death turns his stomach. It's crazy how fixated he gets on trivial things. I kept gently reminding him that he needed to let the professionals do their job, but mainly just sat back and watched, knowing his particular coping mechanism is to go full OCD on a spreadsheet. He is a corporate lawyer so it's not some weird anti-capitalist thing. He hates socializing and generally doesn't like people. I've often joked he needs a mistress but his drives aren't in that arena. He’d rather play 8 hours of tennis.

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Posted
On 6/12/2023 at 8:06 PM, BearSchlong said:


Thanks man. We were actually talking about their recent New York trip, you met him. The non-baseball-obsessed kid.

I vividly remember meeting your family. They were all so nice and I thoroughly enjoyed getting to have a good conversation with them that morning. I am completely taken aback that he is gone. Please tell your sister and brother-in-law that I am so very sorry to hear of this news and that while it is just words I am praying for them.
 

I just cannot fathom the pain they are feeling right now. They just all seemed so happy when we crossed paths and I felt blessed to have met them. Anything you need don’t hesitate to ask. 

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Posted
On 6/12/2023 at 12:12 AM, TwiceHorn said:

Probably best to assume that whatever it is, it's bad, at least in that person's perception.  So yeah, help or go away

If you gotta be something in this world, then be kind.

Y'all keep it together.

Pulling for you.

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Posted

On the same topic - suicide - I watched a Man called Otto last night. Very powerful. I identified well with both Otto and his neighbor Marisol. I felt the allure of being gone and the guilt for not being kind enough to other people who may be struggling. It’s hard worrying if someone is going to find out too much about me and try and ruin my life but still being kind was at least a driving value in the before times, I sometimes wonder if survival and building a defensive apparatus has replaced being kind in the now times. I’d like to try and be more kind.

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Posted
13 minutes ago, troph said:

It’s hard worrying if someone is going to find out too much about me and try and ruin my life

I always assume I'm much worse than anything they could find out about me...

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Posted
22 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Appreciate it.

I'm numb. Trying to get back to work a little today.

And I have a new favorite baseball team, I haven't really had one since the 1990s Rangers. But my surviving nephew’s team is Toronto, and I promised him I'd watch them the rest of the season. Maybe I'm trauma bonding but it's clear I need more in common with him.

My sister is shattered, but she is a survivor. She was a marathon runner until surviving a stroke at 37, and is pretty even keeled. She's very social and has a lot of friends to share her burden.

My BIL is just in angry anguish. I watched him obsess over mortuary stuff for an entire weekend. The thought of any business profiting from his sons death turns his stomach. It's crazy how fixated he gets on trivial things. I kept gently reminding him that he needed to let the professionals do their job, but mainly just sat back and watched, knowing his particular coping mechanism is to go full OCD on a spreadsheet. He is a corporate lawyer so it's not some weird anti-capitalist thing. He hates socializing and generally doesn't like people. I've often joked he needs a mistress but his drives aren't in that arena. He’d rather play 8 hours of tennis.

I hope you are taking steps to take care of yourself. It can be such a feeling of helplessness, so desperately wanting to "be there," to want to say the right thing, to do the right thing and all the while, knowing that people must surely go through their own grief. 

I hope you are checking in with those that help keep you centered.

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Posted

I am. The shock of it all is wearing off, and I am left with sorrow, anger, and a general sadness.

Work is helping to keep my mind occupied, but I dread heading back for the funeral, which will be on July 8th.

I've also come to realize my emotional limits, that when it seems too much to bear that I need to focus on self-care. I've always been someone who takes on others’ burdens, and that's not healthy or sustainable. There's a vast difference between being supportive and helpful versus just absorbing someone else’s grief. I do it with my children in their non-existent relationship with their mother.

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Posted

I remember a scene in "The Sopranos" when Tony goes off on another diatribe with Dr. Melfi about why therapy is bullshit. If we made it as a species to feed and shelter ourselves this well, why dwell on the mental bullshit?  And she explains that's why it's the time, because we've achieved the base needs.  Now is when we can turn the real work of help and assistance.  It's a throw-away scene but I was thinking about it the other day talking with an old friend who is battling some shit himself.  Only in the last ~10% of our existence are we finally realizing the bizarre shit that comes with being an intelligent species who has formed civilization.  With that has come great mental insight and tragic mental disease.  

But it also brought one tiny gift.  While we sense the degradation in ourselves, we've also evolved long enough to figure out we can help one another.  Not just with chorin' and growin'.  I've listened for a living but usually to my own ends.  But I've realized the last couple years.  Ask somebody, maybe somebody you don't know terribly well or maybe a lifelong friend or family friend.  Ask them an open-ended question.  And then just shut up and listen.  We all do it from time to time.  But I try and do it more often.  Just listen.  Good news is-it's more cathartic for you.  But I didn't realize how much pain every single person I knew was in until I got this old.  But I am listening.  And I am hearing.  And around and around goes this rock that none us are escaping.

Posted (edited)

I like that idea.  It is as important as making fire or zero-trace camping.  and you have to learn it young.  I'm really good at it now but it took me decades to get here.  Don't just wait to talk, listen.  

Another tip I got was from Adm. Inman.  He told us to say something at the outset of a meeting to just sorta be known and establish yourself.  But then just listen.  And at the end, during Q&A or feedback or whatever, you repeat what somebody else said before your question.  A sort of refresh.  And yeah, the preamble to your deal might steal 20 seconds from somebody else waiting to ask a question, but fuck them.  The nervous presenters, students, the person with a real issue,  founders, et. al.  To concisely let them know you heard them, you listened........the rest of the vultures in the back can wait for a moment while you repeat what they said.  Let people know you listened.  Even if you have nothing else to do with them ever again, they'll remember that you remembered.  We just don't do enough of that for one another.  I'm sure it's always been that way through all of our technological advances.  But make it a point to tie just two different things somebody said to you.  It's good for your brain to make the connection.  And they get a cathartic kick out of knowing you at least heard a couple of points from their narrative.  It's a tough skill that I'm just now starting to appreciate.  But to truly hear someone and then offer back, "Hey, you said this about this thing, and then this other deal and here's how I think they may be related somehow.  I'm probably wrong, but just a thought based on what all you said..."  It is live-giving and even if you're wrong, who gives a shit...you tried and both of you are smiling because of it.  

Edited by YGIFS
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Posted (edited)

Way back when, as part of a course, this approach was called active listening.  It takes some awareness to not simply parrot, or do it so much in the same conversation that it irritates your interlocutor, but it is fundamentally sound, and fairly life changing when some fluency develops.

Also the scout law isn’t about camping.  It’s about perspective on life.  A scout is:

Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.  The last two are challenges for me.  And listening.

‘I know this looks beyond corny, but I reflect on this list often.  Well, sometimes. 

Edited by nbmishoid
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Posted
34 minutes ago, nbmishoid said:

Way back when, as part of a course, this approach was called active listening.  It takes some awareness to not simply parrot, or do it so much in the same conversation that it irritates your interlocutor, but it is fundamentally sound, and fairly life changing when some fluency develops.

Also the scout law isn’t about camping.  It’s about perspective on life.  A scout is:

Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.  The last two are challenges for me.  And listening.

‘I know this looks beyond corny, but I reflect on this list often.  Well, sometimes. 

I’ve referred to it a few times and realized I was about to put myself and quickly pivoted to my sons brief time in scouts. Ignoring the problems the positives of scouting are high quality stuff. 

Posted

Yes, my time in scouts was blissful and without the abuse issues.  One West Point graduate scoutmaster taught several of us slide rule, at about 12 years old.  We felt like geniuses.  A year later he was dead in Viet Nam. 
I’m not advocating scouting.  I do advocate the aspirational ideas within the scout law.

Posted

I don't think I've ever mentioned this before so apologies if I have. I have an estranged uncle. For whatever reason he wants nothing to do with me or my family. I've seen him maybe twice in the last 25 years, once at my grandpa's funeral and once at a family get together. He allegedly told his kids (my cousins) early in their life that we didn't want anything to do with them so I've had no relationship with them at all. It wasn't until a few years ago that my sister reached out to them and learned this. I have wanted to meet them more and get to know them because....I mean come on man they're family. I have 5 first-cousins in total and my uncle's side has 3 of them. My other cousins I know them, their spouses, when they graduated high school, when they graduated college, their interests, etc. I know nothing about my uncle's kids. We went to one of their weddings and I brought my wife with me. On the drive home the first thing she said was "wow that was awkward, they acted like they didn't really know you". I had to tell her that was kind of true. They don't really know me and I don't really know them. My grandma wasn't at the wedding. She lives alone 7 hours away but we have the same experience. She doesn't really know them. We've tried multiple times to meet up and things always fall apart for one reason or another. I finally said to myself you know what if they want to know me they can reach out to me. 

I bring all of this up because one of my cousins is pregnant. My grandma is about to become a great grandmother. I have no idea if she's going to make an attempt to be there for the delivery. When I was born my dad recorded her and my grandpa literally sprinting into the hospital and grabbing me from the nurse's arms because they wanted to hold me. They were so in love with me as a baby. It just breaks my heart that this baby won't get to experience the kind of love and affection I got from her when I was born. I only had 1 great grandparent alive while my mom was pregnant but she (the great grandparent) passed away 2 months before I was born. I wish she got to see me and hold me. Breaks my heart man. Thanks for reading this. 

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Posted

In contrast, RTM requires only three to four sessions, totaling about five hours, and involves no drugs or re-traumatization. Therapists can be trained in three days, and treatment can be conducted online. Best of all, the effects last. As one veteran put it, “Who knew that you could retrain your brain in a few hours, without medication, to remove yourself from the traumatic events that have been crushing you and making you wish you would just die?”

How does RTM work? Bourke explains it like this: “The technique is actually a neurological intervention that takes a traumatic memory and restructures it using several exercises like visualizing it as a black-and-white movie. The revised memory updates the original — reconsolidation.”

That’s pretty much it. But what sounds simple is, in fact, very sophisticated and has been continuously refined over the years. Reconsolidation was initially discovered in the late 1960s by neuroscientists studying the process by which memories are stored and retrieved. What differentiates RTM from previous treatments is that it is not psychotherapy — it is a directed intervention that takes 89 discrete steps, and it has been manualized. This formal sequencing is what makes it so easy to train practitioners.

 

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Posted (edited)

don't want to take from Lidig8r's post... but another line of posting here, I actually planned it then saw he posted...

any HSPs here? Highly Sensitive People. it's was a pop psychology term but it's coming into its own. not that rare, anyway, I'm one and some days it's a fucking beat down, others it feels like the greatest gift I've ever been given. My 15 year old son is one too and we have this bond that is so deep and rich in part because of our shared need for experiencing beauty.  example, today I was watching the sun glimmer off the lake, I started crying over three things at once, how beautiful the scene was, how deeply I love my 15 year old son, and how sad I am the natural world is off balance as I empathized for the turkey vulture soaring high but probably feeling really hot. some of that is chick crap but I've always been like that.

more info...https://health.clevelandclinic.org/highly-sensitive-person/

pretty much describes me to a tee ... anyone else?

Edited by troph
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Posted
11 minutes ago, troph said:

don't want to take from Lidig8r's post... but another line of posting here, I actually planned it then saw he posted...

any HSPs here? Highly Sensitive People. it's was a pop psychology term but it's coming into its own. not that rare, anyway, I'm one and some days it's a fucking beat down, others it feels like the greatest gift I've ever been given. My 15 year old son is one too and we have this bond that is so deep and rich in part because of our shared need for experiencing beauty.  example, today I was watching the sun glimmer off the lake, I started crying over three things at once, how beautiful the scene was, how deeply I love my 15 year old son, and how sad I am the natural world is off balance as I empathized for the turkey vulture soaring high but probably feeling really hot. some of that is chick crap but I've always been like that.

more info...https://health.clevelandclinic.org/highly-sensitive-person/

pretty much describes me to a tee ... anyone else?

That is truly a gift. It brings joy to my heart that you have this bond with your 15 year old!

Posted
1 hour ago, Lidig8r said:

Tough day today. It is my daughter's 30th birthday. Writing for me is a very good outlet for some of the emotions.

https://adadsjourneywitheatingdisorders.home.blog/2023/08/10/birthday-thoughts/

Two nights ago, I got really frustrated with my oldest.  And as usual, I shouldn't have.  She's been doing so much better but was having a really tough few days and I wasn't there for her.  And I thought of an exchange you and I had a few years ago.  And I don't know nothing about life experiences or growing or learning or jack fucking shit.  But I am so sorry for your loss and am in awe of what you try to do every single day to celebrate her and help others.  And I bet even on those days you don't have it in you, you still make some asshole like me want to be a better dad.  And we're all gonna fucking fail to some degree because we're just flawed fucked-up dudes ourselves.  But in some weird way, just want to say thanks, my condolences, and my admiration to you and yours.  I don't know what the fuck to do most days.  I just hope she doesn't get stuck with the same shit in her head as I do.  And when she invariably does, I just pray for patience and kindness.  I don't know what the fuck else to do.  But thank you for sharing as always.  

Also, a few years ago I offered to help you with something that may help other young people, particularly teenage/20-something women with personal challenges.  I dropped the ball on it.  And I really didn't do much with higher ed during Covid, but if there's something we can help with through UT-Dallas or UT-Arlington, or the medical schools, let me know and I'll get some stuff rolling.  

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Posted

My wife called me to tell me she received a text from our nextdoor neighbor. His son passed away. He was 20/21 so I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out what happened. I know he was going through some things, his dad and I would talk about our grown kids and wonder WTF they were doing. Never anything mean, just dads trying to wrap our heads around the doings of young people.

He was a polite kid, always said hi if he saw us out and about. Never looked away and pretended he didn't see us. It's a real shame.

Posted

Ok... So Sunday, August 13 at 11:00 a.m. our time, I am on a panel discussion with amongst others, Dr. Urszula Kelley, director of the eating disorder program at Children's Hospital in Plano and Dr. Brooks Brodrick who has both an M.D. and PhD and works at UT Southwestern.  The topic is Going back to School, Mental health and eating disorders faced by our kids.  It is at Kendra Scott in West Village.  For those who can't attend but who are interested, you can use this zoom link.  Should be interesting.

Topic: Something For Kelly

Time: Aug 13, 2023 11:45 AM Eastern Time (US and Canada)

 

Join Zoom Meeting

https://us06web.zoom.us/j/84220335926

 

Meeting ID: 842 2033 5926

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