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luke duke

Bidet Meta Threas

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Posted (edited)

Using a spare bidet as a bargaining chip to borrow a pistol from a cop buddy (he's been "bidet curious" for a while - I'm pretty close to converting him) if the world falls apart. 

The offer was accepted, by the way. 

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Edited by Prepuce of Doom

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Loan you a pistol??? This Shaggy/Surly. You don’t already have 3 or 4 pistols lying around?

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Pretty good offer. 

I have to share with you guys my bidet first world problems. I'm dying here. So the way our house is set up, the basement is kind of like my condo. I have a full bathroom down there, my office, my bar, it's where I watch sports/TV, etc. I shower down there daily. Naturally this is where I installed my first bidet and since have upgraded 3-4 months ago to a new throne and the electric Bio Bidet 6800.

We only have one other full bathroom in the house as it's a mid 70's colonial.  I leave that one upstairs to the wife and kids. My oldest is 10 and he has some anxiety issues, and apparently one of those is shitting/wiping. He used to sit up there for literally 45 minutes and go through a full roll, flushing about 20x. I put in a new Toto up there when I put mine in, and also put in a cheap water pressure bidet for him to use. He's also a huge germophobe which is awesome in these times. 

Well I started noticing a leak near the basement bathroom a few weeks ago. It was random and seemed to be coming from somewhere under the bathroom floor. It wasn't bad and I could contain it with a dehumidifier. I finally got around to getting a plumber over a week ago and to the surprise of my dumb ass, who never really bothered to look, it was coming from the t-valve on the biobidet. The otb Albanian that I hired off of Nextdoor to put the thing in apparently left some of the rubber washers out and tried to make up for the difference with plumber's tape. I really don't think it has been leaking since installation, but maybe I just didn't notice since it was a slow leak? 

The important part of the story - I need new parts from bio bidet. They sent me a new installation kit via USPS priority mail. They are in Chicago, 4-5 hours from here via I-94. Priority Mail is 2 days generally, from coast to coast. Well it's fucking sitting there with a status of "shipping label created" since last Tuesday. I am bidet-less. I cannot wipe. I will not wipe. Instead I have to sneak upstairs every time I have to shit and try to avoid detection from the boy. Also not super easy when they're off of school. 

I really need my bidet back. Fuck you USPS. Today I told myself that if it was still sitting there in that status, I would order a new 6800 from Costco with 1 day Fed Ex and when I finally got the installation kit from Bio Bidet via USPS, I would just swap and return. Well naturally due to the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020, they are all sold out of the 6800. And the 4800. So...faced with little alternative I went back to the bio bidet website and ordered ANOTHER installation kit ($30), and this time I'm paying $25 for UPS Ground. They are a little bit more reliable than USPS. One way or another hopefully I will have my new t-valve by Wed/Thurs. 

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53 minutes ago, Hate said:

Loan you a pistol??? This Shaggy/Surly. You don’t already have 3 or 4 pistols lying around?

No, I have never felt like it made good practical sense for me to own guns. 

And as a little "fuck you" from the simulation, I composed the above text message while taking a dump, and after hitting "send" when I went to spray, I discovered that my bidet is broken. It appears to be only able to shoot water backwards in Self Cleaning mode, or straight down in normal mode - I suspect that a cap has come off of the end piece or something. 

I have multiple spares on hand, so no big deal other than the annoyance of having to fight with it later this afternoon... 

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POD I might need you to send me a t-valve from one of those spare units. It just occurred to me that bio bidet may be shut down and not staffed for any shipping. I will pay for fed ex overnight and can send you rations but I don't have any guns. 

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The Bidet Wars. S1:E2. For your reading enjoyment during these boring times. 

I received notification from Bio Bidet that they were having inventory and shipping delays due to the Pandemic. So I went on Wayfair and rage bought a standard water pressure bidet for $70 (obv markup) and paid for the rush shipping. Probably will run into supply issues there, as well, but at the time I was all in. 

The night started ok, watched some TV. Had a drink. Boredom set in, and I started thinking and decided I needed to just get my operation working, leak or not, I could put a bowl underneath the leak until the new parts came. I HATE fucking with plumbing. I am not particularly handy and I'm even worse when it comes to plumbing. So I'm like fuck it, I'm gonna tackle this thing before I shower. I shut the water off behind the throne, disconnect the hoses and then try to figure out how to put it all back together. Except it won't go back together. The plumber had put a stock hose in to fit between the wall valve and the bottom of the tank and I spent a good 20 minutes trying to figure out how that fit in, before I realized I didn't need it and could use the 2 hoses from the Bio Bidet kit and the t-valve and that would be fine. I've already struggled about 3x trying to figure out which way to screw/unscrew various valves due to my brain deficiencies and I'm already sufficiently frustrated. But I think I know what has to be done now, so I get rid of the stock hose and start trying to connect the others. 

I think I have everything aligned, but the one going into the wall doesn't fit. It's not even the same size. I'm getting REALLY pissed, I somehow gashed my finger open, and I have to pee. Fuck it, let me put this thing back together and I'll worry about it another day. Re-assembles. Turns water back on. Couldn't hold it so pissed in the shower in the meantime. 

This is when I turn around to wash my hands in the sink, and see the adapter that I pulled out of one of the hoses that fits perfectly into the wall connection. GODDAMMIT. 

At this point I go back and forth internally. Leave it where it is and try another day? Or go for it now? No. Fuck that, I'm already knee deep and a little buzzed, I'm going to fix this now. So I spend the next 5-10 minutes furiously struggling with the nut on the bottom of the toilet seat. I second guess myself about 3x for which way I need to turn it but either way it's absurdly stubborn. Eventually I decide fuck it, I'll use the crescent wrench to undo the valve at the wall instead and then it will be much easier to remove the nut from the bottom of the tank. That one is stubborn as well - much too stubborn, and then I finally get it off and all of a sudden it's fucking Niagara Falls but in the other direction. Water shooting to the celiing. I'm literally getting sprayed in the face and I'm dumbfounded for a second until I realize I never turned the water valve back off. I hustle down there and crank it off, water pooling, water in my face/hair/shirt and turn it off. So fucking mad at myself and at Corona and life in general. 

And that's when it hits. A rumbling in my belly. I had already had a sudden piss urge that I couldn't wait on and I had to just piss down the drain in the shower. But this was the motherload, and it was coming fast. Water is off, toilet is not hooked up and I have no idea at this point if I can get it done or not. So I run out soaking wet, up the stairs, past my wife, past OCD boy and into the upstairs bathroom where I unload. They are glaring at me asking what I'm doing and why am I dripping wet and I just storm past and slam the door and take my dump. When I get back downstairs the boy is all worried what I was doing, which is what I've been trying to avoid for a week. He probably won't shit ever again as new germs have been introduced to his toilet, but I guess that's his problem. 

Now I have a huge mess to clean up and I am already soaked so I might as well finish the task. Beach towel after beach towel sopping up the mess, I get the hoses all hooked back up and it doesn't even seem to be leaking. Toilet is functional. Bidet is functional. I put a large salad bowl underneath the hookup overnight just in case. Woke up this morning to another wet floor, bowl is completely full and overflowing. Leak is aggressive. I shut the damn water off. 

New approach - piss elsewhere, turn water on when I have to dump, turn water off. Pray USPS/Biobidet gets their shit together soon. Good times. 

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They all called me crazy, some asked if I liked things in my ass.  Now I'm the one laughing and I am definitely laughing any and every opportunity.  I have water flick pieces of shit like them off my ass before breakfast.

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My wife started telling her friends about the bidet when the subject of the TP shortage came up.  I've had several of them message me about ours since and I know of one convert already.  Another friend was trying to order one but it seems that a lot of places are out of stock right now.  Some of my family have asked me what we were doing during the shortage as well so I told them about the bidet.  I don't know if any of them have converted yet though.  I feel like the cat is about to be out of the bag and I'm not going to feel as special as I feel right now knowing that my butthole is always clean. 

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1 hour ago, MissingInAction said:

I cant be the only one observing the TP Wars with this single thought:

"Peasants."

Yep. I just installed one in my parents' house. Whether they'll use it is another question. 

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After reading this thread a few months ago, I told my wife I wanted a bidet for my birthday (next week). She thought I was joking but ordered one for a laugh. Last night I told her I was ordering one and she said that there was a bidet hidden in the closet for me to open next week. I went and grabbed that mutha and had it hooked up in 20 minutes. Couldn’t sleep last night for anticipation of my morning dump. Daylight came, I unloaded and then blasted my anus. Wow. My life is forever altered. I’m ashamed I waited this long. The corona virus forced this quantum leap in my quality of life. 

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Just a warning to new bidet owners, don’t test it without sitting on the seat. I was thinking it would trickle out on low and it shot me right in the face.

Yay

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25 minutes ago, Quagmire said:

Just a warning to new bidet owners, don’t test it without sitting on the seat. I was thinking it would trickle out on low and it shot me right in the face.

Yay

Giggity.

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Just a warning to new bidet owners, don’t test it without sitting on the seat. I was thinking it would trickle out on low and it shot me right in the face.

 

Yay

SomeCreepyCatfish-size_restricted.gif

 

I did the same thing but it got my on my shorts.

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Just a warning to new bidet owners, don’t test it without sitting on the seat. I was thinking it would trickle out on low and it shot me right in the face.

Yay


Don’t act like that’s the first time you’ve taken a load to the face.

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Posted (edited)
17 hours ago, Quagmire said:

Just a warning to new bidet owners, don’t test it without sitting on the seat. I was thinking it would trickle out on low and it shot me right in the face.

Yay

I used to warn visitors about the bidet, but it turns out it's funnier if you just let them come out of the bathroom with a big wet spot on their shirt and a sheepish look on their face.

Edited by Felix

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Don’t act like that’s the first time you’ve taken a load to the face.

Well I was on my knees that’s why I got shot in the face . Had I been standing I may have been killed.

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