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Lame joke thread

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On ‎6‎/‎10‎/‎2018 at 12:52 AM, Modessit said:

Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow?

Her dog is blind, too.

Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?

        So people could read her lips.

 

 

Knock, Knock

       Who's there?

A pile up

        ............

 

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On 6/18/2018 at 7:56 PM, That Guy said:

I’m having a hard time seeing the humor in the Helen Keller jokes.

 

Don't be That Guy.

 

Oh...wait...

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A guy is sitting at home alone when
he hears a knock on the front door.
There are two sheriff's deputies there;
he asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is
married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says "sure " and shows him a
picture of his wife. The sheriff says,
"I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your
wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a
great personality and she's an excellent cook. "

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3 hours ago, Armybrat said:
The sheriff says, "I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "That can't be my wife, sheriff. Betsy doesn't have guts coming out of her mouth." - Hustler cartoon, 1974.

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15 hours ago, Armybrat said:
A guy is sitting at home alone when
he hears a knock on the front door.
There are two sheriff's deputies there;
he asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is
married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says "sure " and shows him a
picture of his wife. The sheriff says,
"I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your
wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a
great personality and she's an excellent cook. "

That's a shitacular haiku.

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In the olden days, there was a postman named Mr. Brown who delivered the mail using a horse and wagon. During his rounds he would eventually arrive at a house that always had an attractive young woman by the name of Ms. Jones sitting in her porch swing. Every morning he would say, "Good morning, Ms. Jones." And she would say, "Good morning, Mr. Brown." He wanted to get to know her better (and maybe more) but every time he saw how pretty she was he chickened out. So - one night he sat down at his kitchen table and devised a plan.

"I have two horses in my barn. I'm going to pull out one horse and paint him purple and put him back in the barn, then I'll pull out the other horse, paint him blue, then hook him up to the wagon. I'll go about my rounds until I get to her house and I'll say, 'Good morning, Ms. Jones.' She'll say, 'Good morning, Mr. Brown. My - that is an interesting blue horse you have there.' 'Yes, it is,' I'll say, 'but if you think that's interesting, I have a purple horse back home in my barn.' She'll say, 'I don't think there is such a thing as a purple horse.' I'll say, 'Would you like to ride back with me and see?' She'll say, 'Yes, I would' and she'll get up on the wagon and we'll go back to my place where I'll show her the purple horse. 'I can't believe you have a purple horse! How strange!' she'll exclaim. 'If you think that's strange,' I'll tell her, 'I have pink lemonade in the kitchen.' She'll say, 'I've never even heard of pink lemonade.' 'Would you like to see?' I'll ask. 'Yes, please,' she'll answer, so we'll go inside and I'll show her the pink lemonade. She'll laugh, 'This is crazy!' 'If you think that's crazy,' I'll say, 'I have a round bed in the bedroom.' She won't believe it. 'NOBODY has a round bed!' 'Would you like to see it?' I'll ask and she'll quickly say, 'THIS I have to see!' And once we're in the bedroom - one thing will lead to another and...."

So now that he has his plan, he went out and pulled out one horse, painted it purple, and put it back in the barn. Then he pulled out the other horse, painted it blue, and hooked it up to the wagon. He loaded the mail and went on his rounds. Eventually he got to the proper house and he could see her sitting in her porch swing. "Good morning, Ms. Jones," he said. "Good morning, Mr. Brown," she said. "My - that's an interesting blue horse you have there." "Yes, it is," he said, "let's fuck!"

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A lame joke, that isn't a joke, because it actually happened in real life:

Quote

Florida man sent back to jail after not paying for taxi ride home from jail

Authorities say a Florida man was returned to jail shortly after his release because he couldn't pay the taxi driver that took him home from the jail.

Florida Today reports that 40-year-old Charles Folk was arrested Thursday morning and charged with petty theft.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/06/28...from-jail.html

 

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I went to the doctor with hearing problems.

 

He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"

 

I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair."

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What do you get if you introduce Human DNA to Sheep DNA? 

 

 

A scholarship to A&M.  

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On ‎6‎/‎26‎/‎2018 at 9:17 PM, Longboard Horn said:

 What do you call a priest who is also lawyer? 

A father in law

A pedophile that defends himself

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A group of 3rd & 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses & the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided the girls would go with one teacher & the boys would go with the other.  The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out & told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside to see what was going on & apparently this old racetrack was old & didn't have any updated facilities.   The only thing she could figure out was to help the boys with their pants & she began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'pee-pees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.  Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

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The National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a red-neck from Southeast Tennessee A & M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem: 

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!! How, they wondered could the red neck top that?! The clock started again and the red neck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three, we was two,
So, I bucked one and Timbuktu.

 

Grandfather told me a version of this joke 35+ years ago

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A small zoo in the Bryan / Collie Station area obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to  handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, an aggy part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most aggy, had little sense but possessed ample ability to try and satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

 

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

 

Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that  he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

 

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

 

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'SEC SEC SEC Forever' T-Shirt ." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

 

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

 

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children to attend fish camp and go to aggyland for their numbers and schoolin'." Once again it was agreed.

 

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.


 

Edited by deadshank

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The police came to my house, knocked on my door to tell me my dog was chasing kids on bikes.

I told the police, that couldn't be true.  My dog doesn't even own a bike.

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12 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

What do you call an Italian with his hands in his pockets?

A mute.

what do you call an Italian suppository?

 

an innuendo...

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A doctor calls his patient and tells him his lab tests are in and to come to his office.

The patient goes to the doctor's office, and the doctor says "I have some bad news.  You are only expected to live for 2 more weeks".

The doctor then hands the patient his invoice.

The patient says, "Wow...this is a huge invoice...it will take me at least two months to pay it".

"Ok", said the doctor...."you have an additional 8 weeks to live".

 

 

 

 

 

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19 hours ago, Stella Link said:

The police came to my house, knocked on my door to tell me my dog was chasing kids on bikes.

I told the police, that couldn't be true.  My dog doesn't even own a bike.

Should change it to say "chasing a kid on a bike."

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6 minutes ago, FartingMonk said:

Why can you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

cause the p is silent.

If the p is silent, how can you hear it?

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19 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.

Back in the day, it went "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before cable tv."

I personally don't find this a lame joke.  To this day, whenever I meet someone who has 3 or more siblings, I say "what's the matter your folks couldn't afford cable?"

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I've never talked about this before, but I really need the board's advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. 

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My girlfriend has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." 

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, it's as if she got out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? 

I once picked up her mobile phone just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. 

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. 
I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. 

It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. 

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

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Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

"How you doin?" Mick asks.

Paddy says "Okay, but could you do me a favor mate? Run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19 year old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of ya." They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it." Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" 

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

 

Edited by Longboard Horn

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A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and a five year old kid opens the door smoking a cigar and holding a big glass of whiskey. The salesman says, “Excuse me little boy, are your parents home?” To which the kid replies, “What do you fucking think?”

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A couple of aggies meet at a bar in College Station. The first one asks where he other grew up.

"Texas, by damn."

"Yeah, me too. Best state in the country," says the first aggie. "What town?"

"Bryan College Station, that's where."

"Really?" says the first aggie. "Me too! Where'd you go to school?"

"Jackson High."

"Wow!" says the first aggie, shaking his head and smiling. "Me too! Small world!"

Soon the phone rings behind the bar and the bartender answers...."Yeah, the bar's okay tonight. Pretty slow though, just me and the Johnson twins."

 

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