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Shit My Kid Says


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First let me preface by saying that we allow our kids a little latitude when it comes to things they can get away with saying at home, or when it's just the four of us around.  We don't allow cursing per se, but a little inappropriate isn't going to get them killed.
So with our busy schedules and all the rain this year, it's the last Thursday before closing weekend when we finally find a day we can make it to the fair (something we do every year, no exceptions).  Well it's obviously rush hour before we can go on a weekday, so it's a huge pain in the ass trying to meet the wife and kids, with me coming from downtown and them coming from up north.  So by the time we meet up in Fair Park,  the wife and I are both frazzled.  
So we park and get out, make sure we have coats, tickets, money, phones, etc, and all the valuables are covered, and cars are locked.  Exhale and start walking over to the fair (we always park at the church behind Auto Zone/JITB on Robert B Cullum or whatever that street is.  Well we get all the way to the light, and my 7 yo son (who's notorious for forgetting stuff) goes "Dad, I think we forgot something."  I of course say, "Are you kidding me?  What???"  Him:
"DEEZ NUTS!"
I love your son like he's my own.
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12 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Just had a disagreement with the Doomlet over whether Krampus visits ants and punishes bad ants by putting them into his sack the same way he punishes bad children. 

Opinions on the matter remain divided. 

It's a trick - there are no good ants.

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Conversation with Mango Jr yesterday.

"Mango Jr, we should make cookies tomorrow to leave out for Santa"
"No, Santa told me he wants me to leave out a piece of pepperoni pizza because he gets tired of cookies."

Just need him to leave a beer out too and we’d be in business.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 11/1/2018 at 9:44 PM, wd40 said:

my oldest (12nopics), instead of brushing her teeth and going to bed, starts randomly singing the opening high vocal line to "The Immigrant Song" to which I reply, already on the way down the hall to break up the bathroom party, 'I come from the land of the ice and snow from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow".  to which she replied, "where did you hear that song?"

me

nick-young-confused-face.jpg

the same place you heard it from---the music saved on my phone.  go to bed.

 

We listen that on the way to school.  Chad Jr. says, "Play the one with the land of the ice and snow."  Gets him hyped to take on a tough day of kindergarten.

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On 1/7/2019 at 11:15 AM, Chad Fuck said:

Background:  I am not the cook in our house.  My wife travels for work, and I have to keep Chad Jr. alive in the interim.  He usually subsists on fresh fruit.  

This weekend, we're at a casual, bring the kiddos dinner party along with two other couples.  The male host is in the kitchen putting together an amazing Indian dinner.  In each of these couples the men cook a significant amount better, and more, than I do.  So the kids are in the living room enamored with Story Bots on TV, while the adults are fully engaged in conversation over drinks in the kitchen.

Mrs. Fuck [to adults]:  So am I the only one whose husband doesn't cook?

Chad Jr. [ yelling indignantly from the living room at the top of his lungs]:  What do you think Dad does while you're away?  Do you think we starve?

Mrs. Fuck [taken aback]:  Well, what does he cook?

Chad Jr.:  Fish sticks and pineapple!!!

Way to defend the old man, Chad Jr.  Extra pineapple for you next time your mom is traveling.  

Something something fish stick pineapple cum sex joke. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

So...
I'm traveling for work.... Big Bro had been gone all weekend camping. Lil Bro stayed home, had some friends and his cousin over to play over the weekend...

I call home... Big bro answers... We shoot the shit. I marvel to myself that his voice is getting deep... He passes the phone to Lil bro... There's some kind of commotion...

Lil Bro... “Cause you're a faggot... "

Me: " Steve! (one of his many nicknames that has nothing to do with his actual name) You can't be saying that."
"I forgot you were on the phone.“
" Dude. I told you that you have to be cool with what you say around Mom and other people."
"Well, he is, and she can't hear me."

Oddly enough, I had just been contemplating a petition to have faggot not mean homosexual...

Sometimes, I wanna call people names and not have those names mean what they've always meant... Maybe I'll start a thread.

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So...
I'm traveling for work.... Big Bro had been gone all weekend camping. Lil Bro stayed home, had some friends and his cousin over to play over the weekend...

I call home... Big bro answers... We shoot the shit. I marvel to myself that his voice is getting deep... He passes the phone to Lil bro... There's some kind of commotion...

Lil Bro... “Cause you're a faggot... "

Me: " Steve! (one of his many nicknames that has nothing to do with his actual name) You can't be saying that."
"I forgot you were on the phone.“
" Dude. I told you that you have to be cool with what you say around Mom and other people."
"Well, he is, and she can't hear me."

Oddly enough, I had just been contemplating a petition to have faggot not mean homosexual...

Sometimes, I wanna call people names and not have those names mean what they've always meant... Maybe I'll start a thread.

https://m.imdb.com/title/tt1539447/
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10 hours ago, Snacks said:

So...
I'm traveling for work.... Big Bro had been gone all weekend camping. Lil Bro stayed home, had some friends and his cousin over to play over the weekend...

I call home... Big bro answers... We shoot the shit. I marvel to myself that his voice is getting deep... He passes the phone to Lil bro... There's some kind of commotion...

Lil Bro... “Cause you're a faggot... "

Me: " Steve! (one of his many nicknames that has nothing to do with his actual name) You can't be saying that."
"I forgot you were on the phone.“
" Dude. I told you that you have to be cool with what you say around Mom and other people."
"Well, he is, and she can't hear me."

Oddly enough, I had just been contemplating a petition to have faggot not mean homosexual...

Sometimes, I wanna call people names and not have those names mean what they've always meant... Maybe I'll start a thread.

Business trip to Denver, huh?

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  • 2 weeks later...

So my now-20 year old daughter is an actor, and her agent was going over interview/audition material with her, and she remembered this gem from when she was six.

It was the morning of a funeral for an unpleasant woman at our church, and even though my wife disliked this woman, she'd been roped into making most of the arrangements, which caused no small amount of stress.

Hatchling, meanwhile, is being a surly, resentful little pest, making it hard for us to leave. When she finally said what was bothering her, it was an explosion:

"There is no Easter Bunny, there is no Santa Claus, and I know what you're doing behind that locked door at night!"

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Get a call from the school nurse yesterday morning that my 7yr old threw up at the end of their living museum event that all the 2nd graders were doing (he went as Wilbur Wright).

I get to the school and the nurse thinks it was a combo of it being hot in the cafeteria and maybe him being nervous but out of an abundance of caution due to the flu and GI stuff going around the school, they wanna send him home. I can tell immediately by how he's acting, he's not sick. I bring him out to his grandmothers for the rest of the day. 

I picked him up in the afternoon and on the drive home he says "I should start throwing up every morning. I had fun today."

Edited by Hmbre97
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  • 2 weeks later...

Not my kid, but Saturday morning I was waiting to get my haircut and another dad told his son to sit down and be still or he would box him like they were doing on tv. The little boy fires back “I’ll just hit you in your nuts”. I tried to hold back my laughter, but didn’t succeed. I started to ask him what his Surly user name is.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Today eating Cane's at the house my kids started discussing what it means to be gay.

My 8 year old girl correctly identifies that, "It's when a boy has a crush on a boy, or a girl has a crush on a girl."

My 10 year old son who is less socially smart then says, "I thought it was just when you had bad teeth."

Wife and I started laughing and asked where he got that idea.

He said he watched American Idol the other night and a contestant was talking about how when he was nine he realized he was gay and all my son could tell that was different about him was that he had terrible teeth.

"Are yall sure it's not a health problem?"

hahahahahha

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I got home from a work trip about 8pm Thursday night. My 5 year old meets me in the bedroom to give me a hug and then informs me that I have to sleep in the guest bedroom because she is sleeping in the bed with mommy (again). Somehow we all ended up in our bed and the five year old slept right up on my head and back (as usual).

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15 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

"Goodnight, Mommy Butthole!" 

When my youngest was around 2 he really liked dinosaurs.  When he said the word dinosaur, it sounded like 'ice-ho', or 'asshole'.  We then started calling one of his older brothers (who was very surly, going through puberty) "dinosaur".  Kind of stuck for a little bit and hearing a 2 year old calling his older brother asshole brought me great joy.

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