Jump to content
  • Why Texas Stomps a Mudhole In Alabama's Ass


    closetojumping
     Share

    Texas has spent the better part of the last 12 years getting sand kicked in its face and told it isn't good enough, or it isn't back, or its boosters are meanies holding down the program or that Austin is a cesspool.

    You name the kind of derisive, condescending shit-talking someone in the media, or representative of another fanbase, or even writing as a UT reporter but needing to pay off gambling or IRS debts, could say about the Texas football program, and it has been said. 

    This all started on the evening of January 7th, 2010, just after that dirty, impish grandmother molesting Nick Saban sacrificed what is rumored to be a live chicken and a dead rhino to Lamashtu The Eraser, in exchange for the greatest dynastic run in CFB history, beginning with the immediate demise of Texas via an early injury to its star QB and leader, Colt McCoy. 

    Twelves Years a Knave is a run too long for any blue blood program to endure. It all ends this weekend, right where it started, in front of God, Country, Longhorn Nation, all of US sports media, and that dark, tiny ankle-biter himself, Nick Saban. 

    "But closetojumping, Alabama is the #1 team in the country!! They’re a juggernaut!"

    Yeah, yeah, I get it. Alabama is 10 feet tall and shoots lightning bolts from its arse. They're favored by 20.5 points on the road. Right.

    It’s true, when you look at what Bama does on the road against non-conference opponents, it’s quite intimidating. I think we all remember the last time they went on the road into unfriendly non-SEC confines in the year … (checks notes) … 2011.

    That’s right, Bama hasn’t played a legitimate non-conference game on the road since 2011. That means there are like 4 people currently involved with the program who have actually been a part of Bama going into unfamiliar territory with an overwhelmingly hostile crowd and no “gentleman’s agreement” creature comforts. In fact, in Saban’s entire 15 year tenure, Bama has gone on the road OOC exactly twice – against the mighty Duke Blue Devils in 2010 (62-13) and to Happy Valley in 2011 (27-11) while the PSU child molestation scandal was roiling under the surface within the football program.

    For all of the SEC tough talk about what brutal opponents they are to the outside world, they’re a generally inward-looking and thinking collection of programs and people, and Bama is no different. Hell, the last two times they played Big 12 opponents, they didn’t exactly run them out of the buildings on neutral sites – WVU 2014 (33-23) and OU 2018 (45-34).

    But, hey, maybe that is all ancient history and Alabama is lately a rolling ball of butcherknives when it comes to real road games, right? Let’s look at how largely the same team playing this weekend did in 2021. They played road games against UF (31-29), ATM (38-41), MSU (49-9), and Auburn (24-22 in quadruple OT).

    The Miss State game was the week after they shit themselves on the road against ATM. The other 3 games involved a mediocre UF team going for 2 to tie it late, ATM embarrassing them for 60 minutes, and Auburn’s Tank Bigsby going out of bounds like an imbecile to giftwrap a Bama comeback to tie a game that Auburn dominated. Does Texas face the team that lost to ATM the last time they were in Texas, or the team that rolled a hapless MSU the following week?

    “But CTJ, Texas lacks the talent to keep up with the Bama Machine!!??!”

    For the first time in a very long time, Texas will be going up against an elite team and will not have a major talent gap at multiple positions by comparison. In fact, Texas has more starting talent than Bama at multiple positions going into this game.

    1)     Bama’s OL is an untested pile of poo. They are going to gargle our collective balls after being left in a state of rubble by the “greatest OL coaching hire in college history”, Doug Marrone. Anyone who watched them against Utah State witnessed the OL struggling to get push against the USU front seven. Bama’s leading rusher in the game was Bryce Young and that isn’t a result of either Young being an amazing scrambler or Bama taking it easy with their TBs against the G5 program. Texas’ DL will face more complete OLs this season than the one they face on Saturday.

    2)     Bama’s WRs and TEs should scare no one. This isn’t 2019. Bama hasn’t had this weak a group of TEs in over a decade, and that’s even if Latu plays. The WRs aren’t substantially more formidable. Burton is fine, but he’s not keeping anyone awake at night. Prentice looks good but he’s not Waddle. After that, shit gets dicey.

    3)     The defensive line for Alabama isn’t up to its usual snuff. The 3 interior DL positions are manned by big bodies, but also guys that haven’t gone pro yet because they weren’t good enough to do so. By Bama standards, that should give every opponent some upside in expectations. Of course their outside guys, Anderson and Turner, are all anyone on this board wants to shit themselves over, but they’re two guys. The interior doesn’t command a double team, so energy can be focused in supporting the outside.

    4)     Texas has elite talent at TB, WR, and TE. It has potentially elite talent at QB, OT, and OG. Sarkisian is one of the best offensive playcallers in football. He has the talent and depth at key positions which will enable him to create interesting match-ups even for a talented defense like Bama.

    5)     Bill O’Brien is a meatheaded asshole chugger. BOB is in the process of doing what he does. He’ll continue to degrade his unit on a yearly basis until there is simply nothing left. Saban won’t allow for that, but he’s let him stay on another year after sniffing around in the market and not liking his other options. That serves to our benefit, as we should expect turtled playcalling and a general lack of creativity. For a defense still trying to find reliable footing, O’Brien is the ideal OC at a place like Bama for Texas to face.

    “closetojumping, these guys are SEC! SEC! SEC! and I am not sure our stadium can handle their ferocity!?!”

    The last time a “greatest team ever” from the SEC marched into the confines of DKR, Texas was a dropped touchdown pass via a gimpy and weak-willed Keontay Ingram away from ruining their plans.

    As mentioned earlier, this is a program that is unused to walking into a foreign, angry fanbase 100,000+ strong and hell bent on turning the tide of 12 Years a Knave, bestowed upon us by their dark lord of a head coach in the first place. I don’t expect Bama to cringe or crumple under the pressure, but I do expect them to be at an inherent disadvantage. I also don’t expect to see many Alabama fans in attendance, simply because most of them have to work in the service industry on weekends and these tickets and Austin travel are also quite expensive for a base of largely minimum wage workers.

    Also, we’re fucking due. Storied programs are forged and burnished by deliverance when the spotlight and sun burn brightest. Our time for ascension is here, goddammit, and it is long overdue time for Nick Saban and his waterheaded following of fucktards to go to hell and give the rest of college football some fucking space to breathe.

    I believe the great Texas freedom fighter Davey Crockett said it best, specifically thinking about the cowering brethren he was leaving behind as he headed out when he said: “Alabama Fans and the rest of these God forsaken SEC mouthbreathers can actually all go to hell. As for us, we’re going with Texas – 34-31. “

    Hook’em

     

    • Hook 'Em 2
     Share


    User Feedback

    Recommended Comments



    2 hours ago, closetojumping said:

    The mudholes are always meant to be fun, but I feel like I was right in having watched them against Utah State, who just got blown out at home by Weber State, and viewing their position groups for what they are. That WR corps will scare no one and the same is true for TE. Teams will key Gibbs and spy Young and they’re in trouble. The DL is, for an Alabama team, just okay. 

    Dallas Turner is a piece of human shit and I will be rooting for bad things to happen to that guy for the rest of my life. If he has a knee injury that leads to an amputation just before heading to the draft, I will cackle and revel in the cosmic justice. He intentionally injured Ewers and then did nothing all day but talk shit to the fans and to Texas players. Fuck that guy, his family, his offspring and his friends. 

    Face Smile GIF

    • Hook 'Em 3
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    5 hours ago, closetojumping said:

    The mudholes are always meant to be fun, but I feel like I was right in having watched them against Utah State, who just got blown out at home by Weber State, and viewing their position groups for what they are. That WR corps will scare no one and the same is true for TE. Teams will key Gibbs and spy Young and they’re in trouble. The DL is, for an Alabama team, just okay. 

    Dallas Turner is a piece of human shit and I will be rooting for bad things to happen to that guy for the rest of my life. If he has a knee injury that leads to an amputation just before heading to the draft, I will cackle and revel in the cosmic justice. He intentionally injured Ewers and then did nothing all day but talk shit to the fans and to Texas players. Fuck that guy, his family, his offspring and his friends. 

    Yeah, bama wasn't able to test Texas deep.  Their WRs are not nearly as talented as past years.  The Bama CBs and OL need a lot of work.

    BoB is their real Achilles heel...  St. Nick has a lot of work ahead of him to get his team to the CFP finals.

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    1 minute ago, TxTower said:

    We had our chances
    Refs were terrible
    Bama still plays dirty
    Water is wet


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

    In spite of all that, we should've won with Card. We definitely win with Ewers.

    • Hook 'Em 1
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    38 minutes ago, LTtxfan said:

    Yeah, bama wasn't able to test Texas deep.  Their WRs are not nearly as talented as past years.  The Bama CBs and OL need a lot of work.

    BoB is their real Achilles heel...  St. Nick has a lot of work ahead of him to get his team to the CFP finals.

    meh, they play in the SEC, the most overrated conference built on a mountain of hype.   Wil Anderson was pretty good but not nearly the hype that we heard.  Bryce Young is a product of the hype.  Joel Klatt even fell for it, calling him the best QB to ever play. 

     

    Towards the end of the game, the officials were ignoring false starts, facemasks, holding, helmets flying off the player, fuck they weren't even pretending to be legit.   Bryce's shin was down, then his forearm, and still the officials refused to call him down in the endzone because that would have been embarrassing for alabama to give up a safety.  

    Dirty ass program.  

    We would have curb stomped them again had it not been for them trying to injure our QB that was clowning them.  Again.  

     

    • Hook 'Em 3
    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    6 hours ago, crash_davis said:

    In spite of all that, we should've won with Card. We definitely win with Ewers.

    I mentioned previously that I think we win 20.5 with healthy Ewers, but didn't mention that I thonk we also win easily with healthy Card.  He played well until his ankle got gimped.  Heroic effort on his gimp run.

    6 hours ago, Nivek said:

     Bryce's shin was down, then his forearm, and still the officials refused to call him down in the endzone

    Watching on tv with replay - looked to me like he released the ball without going down.  Refs did best they could with replay to rectify a horrendous on the field call.  They apparently weren't able to rule on a tipped ball rolling out the end zone/sideline.

     

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    13 hours ago, bernorange said:

    I mentioned previously that I think we win 20.5 with healthy Ewers, but didn't mention that I thonk we also win easily with healthy Card.  He played well until his ankle got gimped.  Heroic effort on his gimp run.

    Watching on tv with replay - looked to me like he released the ball without going down.  Refs did best they could with replay to rectify a horrendous on the field call.  They apparently weren't able to rule on a tipped ball rolling out the end zone/sideline.

     

    His shin was down before he rolled over the Texas (Sweat) player, then his arm (hand) was down when he attempted to throw the ball.   Officials had two chances to review that he was down 2x and chose to see how they could penalize Texas instead for 2 made up calls (late hit, targeting) which were way off. 

    This is like them reviewing the play where the receiver (OUsux's Woods?) went out of bounds on his own, then came back in for an illegal touching, and they tried to see if they could find a way to penalize Texas.  

    Ask yourself this, if the uniforms were reversed, do you think the ref's would call it an incomplete pass?

     

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    1 minute ago, Nivek said:

    His shin was down before he rolled over the Texas (Sweat) player, then his arm (hand) was down when he attempted to throw the ball.   Officials had two chances to review that he was down 2x and chose to see how they could penalize Texas instead for 2 made up calls (late hit, targeting) which were way off. 

    This is like them reviewing the play where the receiver (OUsux's Woods?) went out of bounds on his own, then came back in for an illegal touching, and they tried to see if they could find a way to penalize Texas.  

    Ask yourself this, if the uniforms were reversed, do you think the ref's would call it an incomplete pass?

     

    Could Sark have called a time out and challenged if he was down even after the targeting review?

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    1 minute ago, Nivek said:

    His shin was down before he rolled over the Texas (Sweat) player, then his arm (hand) was down when he attempted to throw the ball.   Officials had two chances to review that he was down 2x and chose to see how they could penalize Texas instead for 2 made up calls (late hit, targeting) which were way off. 

    This is like them reviewing the play where the receiver (OUsux's Woods?) went out of bounds on his own, then came back in for an illegal touching, and they tried to see if they could find a way to penalize Texas.  

    Ask yourself this, if the uniforms were reversed, do you think the ref's would call it an incomplete pass?

     

    Could Sark have called a time out and challenged if he was down even after the targeting review?

    Link to comment
    Share on other sites




    Guest
    Add a comment...

    ×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

      Only 75 emoji are allowed.

    ×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

    ×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

    ×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...