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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

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1 hour ago, Frank The Tank said:

My in-laws came by to drop something off for the wife as I was on my way home from work. MIL parked in the middle of our driveway and then sees me coming down the street, she reverses and then pulls in directly behind my wife’s car. The garage door is open and my wife is in the garage by the door. I pull in past MIL’s car and into the garage. As I get about halfway in, the top of my Tahoe is hit by the fucking garage door coming down. My wife had walked into the house for something and then back into the garage as MIL had turned her car off to come in. 

Garage door is fucked, as I was still moving when it came down and hit the rails on top of the Tahoe. 

Wife’s response is to blame her mom’s car turning off or “her Bluetooth somehow messed with the garage frequency”. MIL does not have an opener to our garage door. Wife was standing right next to the door opener on the wall but swears she didn’t hit it as she came back out of the house. 

 

 

I know she hit that fucking button. 

This is a fine way to start the new thread. 

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Wait, I'm confused as hell.  You drive the soccer slut mom mobile?  And the hell with the door, how bad is the roof of the Tahoe?

 

 

Edited by PvilleStang

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19 hours ago, jofus said:

Baby was screaming. Light turned green, everyone accelerated, everyone slammed on brakes, wife was too slow. 

Told her it is only fair if I rear end her while she’s not looking. 

Didn't have a long enough piece  of rope,  obviously.

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19 hours ago, kmac30 said:

Wife calls me at work, 3pm.  Something is definitely off.  We just got home from a week in Italy on Saturday and our bags just got to our house this morning before I left for work. 

She starts the small talk but I can tell she’s done something.  

Long story short, she washed my suit pants, no drier, and thinks she can save them. We shall see.

 

Mine washed my suit one time. 

Spoiler Alert: I had to buy a new suit. 

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There's a FB video being shared about some woman is standing outside pointing her hair dryer at cars, and it's causing the cars to slow down, since they were allegedly going too fast.  My neighbor's wife has been trying the same thing, but she looks like a raving lunatic.  I haven't noticed any discernible difference in the cars' speed.  I don't think anyone can tell what she's doing.

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On 3/25/2018 at 8:49 PM, hullabelew said:

I be here but the new site is blocked by my work.  Going to have to post more from the bar.   

I have kind of the same issue, but noticed that the only part of the site that is blocked is the LULZ home page.  I can go to any other page, and I can visit threads in LULZ via direct links that I emailed myself from my phone.  Don't know if there is something on the LULZ home page that raises a red flag, but just FYI.

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1 hour ago, PilotsError said:

There's a FB video being shared about some woman is standing outside pointing her hair dryer at cars, and it's causing the cars to slow down, since they were allegedly going too fast.  My neighbor's wife has been trying the same thing, but she looks like a raving lunatic.  I haven't noticed any discernible difference in the cars' speed.  I don't think anyone can tell what she's doing.

Sounds like a good way to get shot.

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1 hour ago, PilotsError said:

There's a FB video being shared about some woman is standing outside pointing her hair dryer at cars, and it's causing the cars to slow down, since they were allegedly going too fast.  My neighbor's wife has been trying the same thing, but she looks like a raving lunatic.  I haven't noticed any discernible difference in the cars' speed.  I don't think anyone can tell what she's doing.

What's some rando on the side of the road with a speed gun going to do?  Issue a ticket?

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2 hours ago, PvilleStang said:

Wait, I'm confused as hell.  You drive the soccer slut mom mobile?  And the hell with the door, how bad is the roof of the Tahoe?

 

 

Yes, I drive a Tahoe, we don't have any kids yet...I've had a truck or a Tahoe pretty much my whole life. 

The roof of the Tahoe wasn't too bad, it was really just the "luggage rails/racks" whatever you want to call them up on top that were scrapped up a bit.  The door itself was bent to hell, I had to push it off the car and then it was off the tracks and the coil was unwound.  Had to have a garage door repair guy come out that night for $250 to fix the damn thing just so it would close.

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Me to the wife, while working from home: "Hey, I'm about to go into a meeting." 
Closes office door.
5 minutes later I hear from downstairs "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!"
Was not fast enough to the mute button.

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33 minutes ago, Frank The Tank said:

Yes, I drive a Tahoe, we don't have any kids yet...I've had a truck or a Tahoe pretty much my whole life. 

The roof of the Tahoe wasn't too bad, it was really just the "luggage rails/racks" whatever you want to call them up on top that were scrapped up a bit.  The door itself was bent to hell, I had to push it off the car and then it was off the tracks and the coil was unwound.  Had to have a garage door repair guy come out that night for $250 to fix the damn thing just so it would close.

Try raising your safety sensor to prevent that from happening again.

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On 3/26/2018 at 7:45 PM, Brew said:

Is that offer the online equivalent of sliding your foot under the stall door?

You an expert on the footsies thing in the mens bathroom huh

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Frank, women garage door/parking education is a real tough area.  My ex-wife would consistently pull too far into the garage and shove the mower into the wall.  There literally was an outline in the drywall that looked exactly like the side view of a mower.  Wish I had taken a picture of that.  And it wasn't just from one time, it happened over and over and over.  Had to install a laser guided parking system to show her how far to pull into the garage.  I always wondered why Gpa had tennis balls hanging from the roof of the garage.

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My wife has been texting me all morning in a panic.  We are going out to a family lake house tomorrow for Easter weekend and she had ordered some layout chairs to be delivered tomorrow.  She just got an alert that they were now being delivered today.  She wants to know if she should drive 1.5 hours each way to go get them.  I ask her what she is so worried about (no issues with crime there) and she says she is worried about the rain and them getting wet.  She is worried about the layout chairs, that will be permanently located outdoors on an uncovered dock next to a lake, getting wet.

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I'm sure the next text will let you know she rented a covered trailer or UHaul to go get them and keep them dry during the move. 

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20 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

Me to the wife, while working from home: "Hey, I'm about to go into a meeting." 
Closes office door.
5 minutes later I hear from downstairs "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!"
Was not fast enough to the mute button.

But... what did you do?

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On 3/27/2018 at 1:01 PM, crimsonlonghorn said:

This is a fine way to start the new thread. 

Welcome Crimson.  I was hoping we would see you here soon.

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17 minutes ago, Nuge said:

If you don't receive a "tone" with your response you're doing it wrong. 

My last response was "You're an idiot", and I haven't gotten a text in 3 hours now, which I think is text talk for <tone>

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26 minutes ago, Angry Gorilla said:

My last response was "You're an idiot", and I haven't gotten a text in 3 hours now, which I think is text talk for <tone>

Certainly a short term solution.  I hope it works out for you.

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I rarely post about my wife, but she had a doozy today. She was in a hurry trying to cook some dinner and watch our 10 month old daughter before I came home. When I got home it smelled a little funny in the kitchen but I didn't think much of it since she was obviously baking something. I take over watching our daughter and I hear "god fucking dammit" several times. I look over and I see a rubber-plastic lid melted on top of a glass dish filled with ravioli that she was trying to bake. 

Wife: "Ugh, I didn't know you couldn't put a lid like this in the oven." (she probably knows this and was just way too in a rush)

Me: "Yeah, plastic and rubber will start melting if you set the oven to 350F"

Wife: "I guess we shouldn't eat this then right?"

Me: "Yeah that's probably a good idea. Could you turn the vent on, there's probably some lovely chemical byproducts in the air now."

 

She says she'll clean the oven out tomorrow since there's plastic melted onto the bottom. We'll see how that goes.

 

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somewhat related, she decided the oven needed cleaned so she sprayed the oven with eazy off or whatever the fuck it was and left it to work.  Only she never went back to clean it out.  A few days later, I'm gonna make a pizza so I turn the oven on without looking in there first......that smell lasted for days.

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I normally post the dumb shit my wife says since she speaks fluent Trixie but right now I'm annoyed.  

Every damn time she goes to the grocery store, I come home to find the freezer door not completely shut and it's fairly obvious.  Yeah, the freezer doesn't have much room, but it would have a lot more room if we didn't have about 4 different ice blocks in it for coolers, 6 different boxes of ice cream bars, 3 different boxes of popsicles, and about 4 bags of plastic molds for kids frozen shit.  If any of this is brought up....tone.

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14 hours ago, GSU&UT said:

I rarely post about my wife, but she had a doozy today. She was in a hurry trying to cook some dinner and watch our 10 month old daughter before I came home. When I got home it smelled a little funny in the kitchen but I didn't think much of it since she was obviously baking something. I take over watching our daughter and I hear "god fucking dammit" several times. I look over and I see a rubber-plastic lid melted on top of a glass dish filled with ravioli that she was trying to bake. 

Wife: "Ugh, I didn't know you couldn't put a lid like this in the oven." (she probably knows this and was just way too in a rush)

Me: "Yeah, plastic and rubber will start melting if you set the oven to 350F"

Wife: "I guess we shouldn't eat this then right?"

Me: "Yeah that's probably a good idea. Could you turn the vent on, there's probably some lovely chemical byproducts in the air now."

 

She says she'll clean the oven out tomorrow since there's plastic melted onto the bottom. We'll see how that goes.

 

I hope you enjoy your new oven.

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11 hours ago, PhillyD said:

I normally post the dumb shit my wife says since she speaks fluent Trixie but right now I'm annoyed.  

Every damn time she goes to the grocery store, I come home to find the freezer door not completely shut and it's fairly obvious.  Yeah, the freezer doesn't have much room, but it would have a lot more room if we didn't have about 4 different ice blocks in it for coolers, 6 different boxes of ice cream bars, 3 different boxes of popsicles, and about 4 bags of plastic molds for kids frozen shit.  If any of this is brought up....tone.

Freezer contents are a testament to my wife's inability to consider volume, weight and gravity when cramming things in there.

 

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my first post on Surly... my wife is pretty awesome, have never posted anything that she's done on previous thread on shaggy but there's a first time for everything.

she's a teacher, and they have their own retirement plan and i have a 401k. we talk about retirement plans etc often.

she mentions they have some additional retirement plan at work, and i'm thinking it's a 403b or something for teachers. she starts telling me about it, and it sounds like a whole life insurance plan. i ask her repeatedly if it's a life insurance plan, she keeps telling me no it's a retirement plan. she signs up for it, $150 a month, and two weeks later she brings home the paperwork.

right there on the cover page "Whole Life Insurance". she's canceling it today but we're out that $150 and maybe another $150 if they don't cancel it before the next withdrawal.

FUCKING HELL

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1 hour ago, It Takes Eleven said:

Freezer contents are a testament to my wife's inability to consider volume, weight and gravity when cramming things in there.

 

You're right, she's never complained one time I was cramming things in there

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Not my wife but it involves people my wife interacts with. Wife broke her wrist and had to have surgery to repair it. I take her in for the surgery and my brother checks in with me and asks how it's going during the surgery and sends this picture to joke about what's going on inside the surgery room. 

 

 

29496098_10213299686865119_3386205377058

So we get home and I post an update on Facebook while she's sleeping that her surgery went well, they inserted a plate, and the doctor gave me this picture of what happened during the surgery. I post the above picture and most people respond with Star Wars related jokes. A few posts later, a former co-worker who's female posts that she "almost passed out after seeing that picture". I let that one slide. Then another one, also female, posts "OH MY GOD. THAT'S TERRIBLE, (wife)". I then start to realize that some people are really up on pop culture. The wife recommends I clarify the picture. So I write "oh that was the wrong picture, that's Luke Skywalker's hand from Empire, I'll post the correct picture later". Fast forward to last night, someone replies again "this is not funny, I fell for this". Turns out she was passing around that picture at a dinner saying that was my wife's real wrist. Someone had to inform her on the reality of the picture. 

Edited by mdmost

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Just now:

 

Kids are playing in the kitchen when one sticks a magnet on the back door and it sticks.

 

Wife: Wow! Hey, did you know you can stick magnets on the back door?

 

Me: You can stick them on the front door, too.

 

Wife walks to the front door with a magnet and it sticks to the front door.

 

Wife: That's weird. What do you think the door is made of?

 

Me:

 

230114_908223010.jpg

 

 

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5 hours ago, mdmost said:

Not my wife but it involves people my wife interacts with. Wife broke her wrist and had to have surgery to repair it. I take her in for the surgery and my brother checks in with me and asks how it's going during the surgery and sends this picture to joke about what's going on inside the surgery room. 

  Hide contents

 

29496098_10213299686865119_3386205377058

So we get home and I post an update on Facebook while she's sleeping that her surgery went well, they inserted a plate, and the doctor gave me this picture of what happened during the surgery. I post the above picture and most people respond with Star Wars related jokes. A few posts later, a former co-worker who's female posts that she "almost passed out after seeing that picture". I let that one slide. Then her boss, also female, posts "OH MY GOD. THAT'S TERRIBLE, (wife)". I then start to realize that some people are really stupid about pop culture. The wife recommends I clarify the picture. So I write "oh that was the wrong picture, that's Luke Skywalker's hand from Empire, I'll post the correct picture later". Fast forward to last night, her boss replies again "this is not funny, I fell for this". Turns out she was passing around that picture at a dinner with my wife's co-workers saying that was my wife's real wrist. Someone had to inform her on the reality of the picture. 

You are a Star Wars nerd. You have shamed your wife and she is likely posting in the alternative universe thread about this.

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So you think she's on Moodyhens.com posting about her Star Wars nerd husband on the "Husbands and the Stupid Shit They Say & Do" thread?

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On 3/28/2018 at 2:44 AM, mulletpelini said:

Frank, women garage door/parking education is a real tough area.  My ex-wife would consistently pull too far into the garage and shove the mower into the wall.  There literally was an outline in the drywall that looked exactly like the side view of a mower.  Wish I had taken a picture of that.  And it wasn't just from one time, it happened over and over and over.  Had to install a laser guided parking system to show her how far to pull into the garage.  I always wondered why Gpa had tennis balls hanging from the roof of the garage.

To guard against mayhem.

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14 hours ago, Modessit said:

Just now:

 

Kids are playing in the kitchen when one sticks a magnet on the back door and it sticks.

 

Wife: Wow! Hey, did you know you can stick magnets on the back door?

 

Me: You can stick them on the front door, too.

 

Wife walks to the front door with a magnet and it sticks to the front door.

 

Wife: That's weird. What do you think the door is made of?

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Magnets work because they repulse each other" - Dirt Bike

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My wife got a record player for Christmas and it was her birthday on Monday so I got her some records. I came home yesterday and she asked me to look at the record player because it isn’t sounding right. Everything seems fine with the player so I go to grab the records. They have been sitting on top of the modem/router for at minimum all day if not several days. Every one of them was warped to hell. I think that might affect the sound

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19 minutes ago, BearCountry11 said:

“What’s the difference between truffle fries and regular fries?”

One goes great with a little truffle butter.

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The wife pointed out that the Rangers play the Astros today. I said (mistakenly) that i wasn’t sure whether Opening Day had occurred yet. She was quiet for a minute, then said “so they’re just having a little get together?” Yes ladies and gentlemen, Spring Training is now called “a little get together”.

 

Edit-of course I also can’t believe I didn’t realize the regular season ha started. That’s how far baseball has slipped on my priority list.

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At Costco getting gas and wife sees a Prius getting gas.

she asks, “why is that hybrid getting gas?”

just give her the “wtf” look, and said cause hybrids run on gas AND electricity.

”ohhhhhh ya, forgot about that first part”

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