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Shit My Kid Says

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Monster is 11 now, so the days of having him say off the wall stuff has sorta faded.

 

Apparently I'm gonna have to live vicariously through y'all in the 10 & under set, so get to it & report here.

 

Oh, sure - I'll get the occasional interesting item, but until the day he tells me he's banging the hot Mom next door I guess the occasions will be far & few between.

 

Aaand... let's go.

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We were at a pizza place Saturday for a birthday. My son stands up and holds two pepperonis over his nipples and announces, rather loudly, "look at my big pepperoni's mom."

I damn near fell out of my chair and my wife was mortified.

 

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Dad, have you ever gotten an ingrown ballsack hair?

what?

I just want to know if it's possible. 

yes, it's possible. where is this coming from? 

we discuss all kinds of weird stuff at school. me and this other guy are the ones that are supposed to ask our dads this time. 

going forward,  you probably don't want to discuss ball sacks with other dudes. 

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My 3 year old daughter on Saturday was playing in her soccer game, and started loosing her shit on the field, ran over to my wife crying saying, "mom, I don't want to play with a blue ball, blue balls are the worst balls ever!"  The soccer ball they were playing with was blue.

She is only 3, but I hope her boy friends have perpetual blue balls until she gets married

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Speaking of sports...
Daughter had a volleyball tournament a few weekends ago and they lost in the championship game. Little brother says "you're a loser, why do you even play volleyball?" This happened right after the game in front of all the other parents and kids.

 

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repost from surly dad thread.  My six year old clowned me at Amys...

 

Boy clowned me yesterday.  Took the family to Amy's Ice Cream after lunch. Line moving kinda slow.  He knows that Mexican Vanilla is my all time favorite flavor and I rarely order something that doesn't involve MV. So while we are standing in line, 3 or so people in front of us and maybe 9 or 10 behind us.

Wife:  Idle chit chat blah blah blah. So what are you going to order Stasis...

Me:  Not really sure.

Boy (loud and deadpan): Probably a Mexican Martini.

Line was laughing their ass off. 

 

My wife was embarrassed. I gave him a high five. 

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16 minutes ago, chikin23 said:

Speaking of sports...
Daughter had a volleyball tournament a few weekends ago and they lost in the championship game. Little brother says "you're a loser, why do you even play volleyball?" This happened right after the game in front of all the other parents and kids.

 

Hahah holy shit, how old is he? That's savage.

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20 minutes ago, GSU&UT said:

Hahah holy shit, how old is he? That's savage.

He's six. Of course my daughter bursts into tears and he just kinda laughs. Popped him on the back of the head but had to turn around so nobody saw me laughing.

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36 minutes ago, chikin23 said:

Speaking of sports...
Daughter had a volleyball tournament a few weekends ago and they lost in the championship game. Little brother says "you're a loser, why do you even play volleyball?" This happened right after the game in front of all the other parents and kids.

 

sounds like shit my little shag asshole would say.  I would have probably beat him on spot. 

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My kid thinks there is a store for everything and we must need to go there to get it. He'll be telling me we need to drive super fast. I tell him we don't have rockets like the cars in his cartoons. He tells me we need to go to the "rocket store" to get rockets to put on the back of the car. Then he says we need to go to the "helmet store" so we can wear helmets, and to the "parachute store" in case we go off a cliff. 

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We were at a store getting some stuff for our tractor and out of nowhere my 3 year old blurts out "I don't like the black ones."  We were standing next to a man and wife, man was white, wife was black. I am thinking what the fuck is going on. Then he says it again and I start to panic. Turns out he was looking at a picture of some horses and was saying he didn't like the black ones because some game he plays the black horses are mean. 

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3 minutes ago, HOOKEM4 said:

We were at a store getting some stuff for our tractor and out of nowhere my 3 year old blurts out "I don't like the black ones."  We were standing next to a man and wife, man was white, wife was black. I am thinking what the fuck is going on. Then he says it again and I start to panic. Turns out he was looking at a picture of some horses and was saying he didn't like the black ones because some game he plays the black horses are mean. 

That game is definitely racist.

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Wife and other kid are sick at home, so 5 yo and I go out to eat dinner.  He's been good all day, so when the waiter comes by to ask about drinks I recommend a lemonade.  He doesn't get much other than water or milk, so he get psyched over this.  I start to order a beer when he pipes back in.

5 yo "Oh, and can I have a water also.  Please"

Waiter - "Sure thing"

5 yo - "Thank you.  I need to drink water because it helps with my poo poo" *

Waiter - "That is true.  You have to stay hydrated."

5 yo - " You should drink water for your poo poo too."

Waiter - "Thanks for the advice."

 

* He used to get constipated around the time he was potty training, so water and veggies were pushed on him as remedies.  This is the one lesson that apparently has not been forgotten so far.

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38 minutes ago, Longhornfan1024 said:

This thread is funny and all, but I'm gonna need the name of your avatar.  

I wish I knew.  Just some random body paint chick I found out on the www.

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My kid thinks there is a store for everything and we must need to go there to get it. He'll be telling me we need to drive super fast. I tell him we don't have rockets like the cars in his cartoons. He tells me we need to go to the "rocket store" to get rockets to put on the back of the car. Then he says we need to go to the "helmet store" so we can wear helmets, and to the "parachute store" in case we go off a cliff. 
mom takes him to a lot of stores. you might want to take him to the sports bar, so he'll understand.

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Note home from Ms. Hererra - my kindergartner's teacher - yesterday.

"During lunch, Fin was telling kids to smell his butt because it's full of blueberries."

"Later, he stood up in class and announced that he had a naked Ms. Herrera in his pocket."

Even my wife laughed.

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My 6 year old was trying to do pull-ups at the Park. He informed me that he and his new friend Trey are getting muscles so they can get a girlfriend when they are 18.

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On 3/26/2018 at 11:16 PM, Snacks said:

Dad, have you ever gotten an ingrown ballsack hair?

what?

I just want to know if it's possible. 

yes, it's possible. where is this coming from? 

we discuss all kinds of weird stuff at school. me and this other guy are the ones that are supposed to ask our dads this time. 

going forward,  you probably don't want to discuss ball sacks with other dudes. 

You think that's bad, wait until your eyes well up as you drift into a memory & explain how to pop said ingrown hair-zit on your nutsack.

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You think that's bad, wait until your eyes well up as you drift into a memory & explain how to pop said ingrown hair-zit on your nutsack.
I've been fortunate, I suppose

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10 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Note home from Ms. Hererra - my kindergartner's teacher - yesterday.

"During lunch, Fin was telling kids to smell his butt because it's full of blueberries."

"Later, he stood up in class and announced that he had a naked Ms. Herrera in his pocket."

Even my wife laughed.

What’s his surly username?

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He'd fit right in.  It's hard at times to walk the line of discipline and encouraging his creativity/not laughing.  There were repercussions - especially given both my wife and I are teachers.

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All my 11 year old son talks about now is the things he plays. Baseball and fucking Fortnite.

His twin sister talks about YouTube and horses

The 14 year old doesn’t talk much just does homework.

Yep this thread has passed me by

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15 hours ago, Goofyboy said:

My 6 year old was trying to do pull-ups at the Park. He informed me that he and his new friend Trey are getting muscles so they can get a girlfriend when they are 18.

With advance planning like that, this kid is going places.

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7 yr daughter was talking to my friend who was a vegetarian but has started to venture out and eat fish.

daughter: what types of food to you like?

friend: veggies and salmon

daughter: what about the good stuff like: beef, chicken and pork?

friend: well, I try not to eat meat because they come from animals

daughter: isn’t salmon an animal?

friend: ............

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Just now, driving the boys to school... I drop off big brother and I'm taking little brother to school... Jay-Z is quietly playing on CD and drops a 'nigga'....

Lil Bro: "You have to turn that off at Oak Forest."
Dad: "Why?"
Lil Bro: "Because they don't like to hear, 'nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga...'" (pause)
"...and pimp shit."

I almost died.

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We were all playing dominoes this weekend and the kid was surfing his iPad. Someone took a long time to play and someone else said “you sure are taking a long time”. My son didn’t miss a beat when he said “that’s what she said”.

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Doing some map reading and learning new countries etc., with a focus on the Middle East.

A couple hours later, 5 yo Chad Jr. : “Dad, why do some people name their countries Guitar and Chicken?”

Chad Sr.: [Confused face.]














Narrator: Moments later, Chad Sr. realized we’re talking about Qatar and Turkey.

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I don't have kids yet, but I've heard that Kevin Morgan's son always ask him "dad, who's Uncle Jody? And why does mom always leave me alone when he comes over while your at work?"

Edited by SqueezeDeez

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We were all playing dominoes this weekend and the kid was surfing his iPad. Someone took a long time to play and someone else said “you sure are taking a long time”. My son didn’t miss a beat when he said “that’s what she said”.
my youngest has been trying to figure out "that's what she said" and he doesn't quite grasp it.... but he knows "pimp shit" when he hears it.

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My mom gave my girls little potpourri bags (?) to put in their dressers, and the next night after a bath, my 5yr old is running around naked waving her underwear repeatedly yelling “SMELL MY UNDIES!!!!!”

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I don't have kids but my best friend has 5 daughters (yikes). 

She comes home one day and the second oldest is saying the 5yr old called the 10yr old the "B" word. 

Friend goes inside and tells her "don't be calling your sister a bitch"

5yr old waving her finger mind you "no no no, i said bastard"

 

I love that kid. I have all kinds of stories from the 5yr old. Think she's my new best friend 

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My nine year old son looked straight into my wife's face the other day and said, "Mom, tell me exactly what the vibrator is used for?"  I busted out laughing in the Master Bedroom next door.  My wife freaked.  Luckily, my son was referring to the vibrating back pad my wife uses on her computer desk chair.

Edited by El Moco

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My oldest (9) was digging through the wife’s nightstand tonight waiting on her. There’s a vibrator in there. Getting to the age we’re going to have to sex-proof the house.

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Today was a day that will live in infamy....7 yo dropped an F Bomb on my wife!

Wife: Honey, you need to pick up if you’re done playing in the living room
7 yo: that’s not my f’n mess. I’m not picking up any of it

My wife proceeds to give me the look, but that’s for a different thread...

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11 hours ago, Hanrahan said:

My oldest (9) was digging through the wife’s nightstand tonight waiting on her. There’s a vibrator in there. Getting to the age we’re going to have to sex-proof the house.

We already had to do that two years ago when he found her pocket rocket in her nightstand and she walked in on him playing with it.  He was fascinated and she was mortified.  She told him it was used for massaging your neck.  Luckily, he bought it.  But, now that we busted him looking at porno on his iPad two months ago, I think he’s figured it out.

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It’s not that I don’t like God, I do. It’s just that grandmother won’t stop talking about him 24/7

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Chad Jr. took his cup to the fridge to get some water, and misaligned cup with dispenser.  Water all over his little self.  To which he exclaimed, "Cock!"

Wife and I look at each other (it's not a word that frequently works into our lexicon).  "What did you say?"  He just shrugged his shoulders and looked very serious, "You know, 'cock'."  I just said, "we don't really use that word around here."  He's never said it since (that I've heard).

After scratching our heads and figuring out he learned that at day care from friends, not a couple hours later, he's playing a game on the iPad and crashes his airplane, claiming "Fuckin!"

Wife and I look at each other, she said, "Yeah.  That's from me."  (Fucking [insert noun] is her go to).

I was dismayed he used the first out of context, but at least he got the second one right.

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yeah, if he's going to cuss he needs to do it right. I've lived in rural North Carolina and improper cussing was rampant, by grown ass men. "She's a fine damn woman!". No motherfucker, it's "She's a damn fine woman!".

Catch that shit early, don't let 'em grow up ignernt.

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yeah, if he's going to cuss he needs to do it right. I've lived in rural North Carolina and improper cussing was rampant, by grown ass men. "She's a fine damn woman!". No motherfucker, it's "She's a damn fine woman!".
Catch that shit early, don't let 'em grow up ignernt.
damn woman.
fine damn woman.
fine woman.
damn fine woman.

220/221

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8 minutes ago, Snacks said:

damn woman.
fine damn woman.
fine woman.
damn fine woman.

220/221

You can't just go around cussin' however you want, there's rules ass dammit!

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22 hours ago, Hanrahan said:

My oldest (9) was digging through the wife’s nightstand tonight waiting on her. There’s a vibrator in there. Getting to the age we’re going to have to sex-proof the house.

What's wrong with your dick?

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Doesn’t take batteries and isn’t there during the day. Better than the pool boy don’t ya think?

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My six year old is a pale cracker. My wife bought a picture frame that had a stock picture of a middle aged bald black man and his wife. Six year sees it and asks, “Mommy, is that a picture of you and daddy from the olden days?”

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