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  • Why Texas Stomps a Mudhole In Alabama's Ass


    closetojumping
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    Texas has spent the better part of the last 12 years getting sand kicked in its face and told it isn't good enough, or it isn't back, or its boosters are meanies holding down the program or that Austin is a cesspool.

    You name the kind of derisive, condescending shit-talking someone in the media, or representative of another fanbase, or even writing as a UT reporter but needing to pay off gambling or IRS debts, could say about the Texas football program, and it has been said. 

    This all started on the evening of January 7th, 2010, just after that dirty, impish grandmother molesting Nick Saban sacrificed what is rumored to be a live chicken and a dead rhino to Lamashtu The Eraser, in exchange for the greatest dynastic run in CFB history, beginning with the immediate demise of Texas via an early injury to its star QB and leader, Colt McCoy. 

    Twelves Years a Knave is a run too long for any blue blood program to endure. It all ends this weekend, right where it started, in front of God, Country, Longhorn Nation, all of US sports media, and that dark, tiny ankle-biter himself, Nick Saban. 

    "But closetojumping, Alabama is the #1 team in the country!! They’re a juggernaut!"

    Yeah, yeah, I get it. Alabama is 10 feet tall and shoots lightning bolts from its arse. They're favored by 20.5 points on the road. Right.

    It’s true, when you look at what Bama does on the road against non-conference opponents, it’s quite intimidating. I think we all remember the last time they went on the road into unfriendly non-SEC confines in the year … (checks notes) … 2011.

    That’s right, Bama hasn’t played a legitimate non-conference game on the road since 2011. That means there are like 4 people currently involved with the program who have actually been a part of Bama going into unfamiliar territory with an overwhelmingly hostile crowd and no “gentleman’s agreement” creature comforts. In fact, in Saban’s entire 15 year tenure, Bama has gone on the road OOC exactly twice – against the mighty Duke Blue Devils in 2010 (62-13) and to Happy Valley in 2011 (27-11) while the PSU child molestation scandal was roiling under the surface within the football program.

    For all of the SEC tough talk about what brutal opponents they are to the outside world, they’re a generally inward-looking and thinking collection of programs and people, and Bama is no different. Hell, the last two times they played Big 12 opponents, they didn’t exactly run them out of the buildings on neutral sites – WVU 2014 (33-23) and OU 2018 (45-34).

    But, hey, maybe that is all ancient history and Alabama is lately a rolling ball of butcherknives when it comes to real road games, right? Let’s look at how largely the same team playing this weekend did in 2021. They played road games against UF (31-29), ATM (38-41), MSU (49-9), and Auburn (24-22 in quadruple OT).

    The Miss State game was the week after they shit themselves on the road against ATM. The other 3 games involved a mediocre UF team going for 2 to tie it late, ATM embarrassing them for 60 minutes, and Auburn’s Tank Bigsby going out of bounds like an imbecile to giftwrap a Bama comeback to tie a game that Auburn dominated. Does Texas face the team that lost to ATM the last time they were in Texas, or the team that rolled a hapless MSU the following week?

    “But CTJ, Texas lacks the talent to keep up with the Bama Machine!!??!”

    For the first time in a very long time, Texas will be going up against an elite team and will not have a major talent gap at multiple positions by comparison. In fact, Texas has more starting talent than Bama at multiple positions going into this game.

    1)     Bama’s OL is an untested pile of poo. They are going to gargle our collective balls after being left in a state of rubble by the “greatest OL coaching hire in college history”, Doug Marrone. Anyone who watched them against Utah State witnessed the OL struggling to get push against the USU front seven. Bama’s leading rusher in the game was Bryce Young and that isn’t a result of either Young being an amazing scrambler or Bama taking it easy with their TBs against the G5 program. Texas’ DL will face more complete OLs this season than the one they face on Saturday.

    2)     Bama’s WRs and TEs should scare no one. This isn’t 2019. Bama hasn’t had this weak a group of TEs in over a decade, and that’s even if Latu plays. The WRs aren’t substantially more formidable. Burton is fine, but he’s not keeping anyone awake at night. Prentice looks good but he’s not Waddle. After that, shit gets dicey.

    3)     The defensive line for Alabama isn’t up to its usual snuff. The 3 interior DL positions are manned by big bodies, but also guys that haven’t gone pro yet because they weren’t good enough to do so. By Bama standards, that should give every opponent some upside in expectations. Of course their outside guys, Anderson and Turner, are all anyone on this board wants to shit themselves over, but they’re two guys. The interior doesn’t command a double team, so energy can be focused in supporting the outside.

    4)     Texas has elite talent at TB, WR, and TE. It has potentially elite talent at QB, OT, and OG. Sarkisian is one of the best offensive playcallers in football. He has the talent and depth at key positions which will enable him to create interesting match-ups even for a talented defense like Bama.

    5)     Bill O’Brien is a meatheaded asshole chugger. BOB is in the process of doing what he does. He’ll continue to degrade his unit on a yearly basis until there is simply nothing left. Saban won’t allow for that, but he’s let him stay on another year after sniffing around in the market and not liking his other options. That serves to our benefit, as we should expect turtled playcalling and a general lack of creativity. For a defense still trying to find reliable footing, O’Brien is the ideal OC at a place like Bama for Texas to face.

    “closetojumping, these guys are SEC! SEC! SEC! and I am not sure our stadium can handle their ferocity!?!”

    The last time a “greatest team ever” from the SEC marched into the confines of DKR, Texas was a dropped touchdown pass via a gimpy and weak-willed Keontay Ingram away from ruining their plans.

    As mentioned earlier, this is a program that is unused to walking into a foreign, angry fanbase 100,000+ strong and hell bent on turning the tide of 12 Years a Knave, bestowed upon us by their dark lord of a head coach in the first place. I don’t expect Bama to cringe or crumple under the pressure, but I do expect them to be at an inherent disadvantage. I also don’t expect to see many Alabama fans in attendance, simply because most of them have to work in the service industry on weekends and these tickets and Austin travel are also quite expensive for a base of largely minimum wage workers.

    Also, we’re fucking due. Storied programs are forged and burnished by deliverance when the spotlight and sun burn brightest. Our time for ascension is here, goddammit, and it is long overdue time for Nick Saban and his waterheaded following of fucktards to go to hell and give the rest of college football some fucking space to breathe.

    I believe the great Texas freedom fighter Davey Crockett said it best, specifically thinking about the cowering brethren he was leaving behind as he headed out when he said: “Alabama Fans and the rest of these God forsaken SEC mouthbreathers can actually all go to hell. As for us, we’re going with Texas – 34-31. “

    Hook’em

     

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    12 minutes ago, DalTxHornFan said:

    The last game that Bear Bryant coached was the loss to Texas in that Cotton Bowl.  Just saying ...

    Wrong.  He coached one more season.  Bryant's last game was the 1982 Liberty Bowl, a 21-15 victory over Illinois.

    Edited by 83Horn
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    1 minute ago, 83Horn said:

    Wrong.  Bryant's last game was the 1982 Liberty Bowl, a 21-15 victory over Illinois.

    Thanks.  But it sounded really good when I wrote it!

     

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    1 hour ago, Atticus said:

    Hear hear

    I invoked the Davy Crockett saying wrt this game earlier today which made this even better

    Well done

    Davy Crockett got executed in the Alamo after honorably surrendering after killing massive numbers of Santa Anna's army.

    So how does that apply to the Longhorns?

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    I'm a firm believer that Gary Patterson has been scheming for this game since the fucking day he got hired. 

    I believe the Great Col. John Hannibal Smith said:

    Give me a minute, I'm good. Give me an hour, I'm great. Give me six months, I'm unbeatable.

    LFG

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    1 minute ago, bullet said:

    Davy Crockett got executed in the Alamo after honorably surrendering after killing massive numbers of Santa Anna's army.

    So how does that apply to the Longhorns?

    Prepare your anus.

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    Just now, BornAndRaised said:

    I'm a firm believer that Gary Patterson has been scheming for this game since the fucking day he got hired. 

    I believe the Great Col. John Hannibal Smith said:

    Give me a minute, I'm good. Give me an hour, I'm great. Give me six months, I'm unbeatable.

    LFG

    I'm not convinced about Sark being better than a 7 win coach.  But I do believe in Patterson.

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    I know it's not unprecedented but it does feel weird seeing this kind of optimism out of CTJ.   I fucking love it.  

    Mudhole Bama and let this post live on in Shaggy/Surly lore 🤘

     

     

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    1 hour ago, Helobious said:

    Not with BoB calling their plays they don’t 

    I understand he's not gonna be on a Mount Rushmore of OC's, but you don't have to be a great OC, or even a better than average OC, when you've got 5 stars at every position and you're playing against a defense that's struggled recently.

    They averaged 41 pts/game last year even with BoB driving the bus.  I'm honestly surprised Saban hired that dude, and has stuck with him.  I guess he figures his talent level and system are so foolproof that even a bad coach can't fuck it up.

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    43 minutes ago, LTtxfan said:

     HEY BAMA....

     

    Jenn-Loss.jpg

    That's JC, right?

    Michelangelo, da Vinci, Donatello, Raphael... those sculptors couldn't have dreamt up the perfection in that photo.

    I started to say that GOD Himself couldn't have created something that perfect, before realizing a moment later that He did create that, however one might conceive of God in this respect.

    So, Best in Show goes to JC and her creator.

     

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    Here's the simple answer, by the way:  Strike first. Make Bama play catch up throughout the game while you continue to stress the hell out of their defense by keeping them on the field.  Time consuming drives are better than quick strikes.  Bryce and co. will get anxious standing on the sideline for so long.

    Be prepared for the fact that like it or not, they are eventually gonna close the gap near the end of the game.  But by that point it's either team's game to win/lose.

    Pass that on to Sark.

     

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    29 minutes ago, Huckleberry said:

    Worst part about this post is how it reminds me how old I am as I read through 3 pages of Longhorn internet posters who don't get the reference at all.

    spacer.png

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    4 hours ago, closetojumping said:

    You name the kind of derisive, condescending shit-talking someone in the media, or representative of another fanbase, or even writing as a UT reporter but needing to pay off gambling or IRS debts, could say about the Texas football program, and it has been said. 

    I'm interested in hearing more about this.

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    33 minutes ago, MAUFRAIS said:

    Can we get in writing from Alabama that they care about this game?

     

    Got a hearty laugh out loud from that one.  

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    1 hour ago, Augustus said:

    Here's the simple answer, by the way:  Strike first. Make Bama play catch up

     

    Yeah, I think that's big.  If Texas is competitive after the first couple possessions, we're pretty likely to be hanging around in the fourth quarter.  

    The last time we had a preseason top-5 SEC team here (eventual MNC LSU), Texas started with a dropped TD in the end zone on 4th and goal, then a (dumb play call) failed 4th and goal.  Could have easily been 10-0 Texas after two possessions, but instead it was 0-0, and Texas ended up playing from behind the whole game.

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    4 minutes ago, Paul Wesley said:

    Yeah, I think that's big.  If Texas is competitive after the first couple possessions, we're pretty likely to be hanging around in the fourth quarter.  

    The last time we had a preseason top-5 SEC team here (eventual MNC LSU), Texas started with a dropped TD in the end zone on 4th and goal, then a (dumb play call) failed 4th and goal.  Could have easily been 10-0 Texas after two possessions, but instead it was 0-0, and Texas ended up playing from behind the whole game.

     

    I'll say this:  Unless their OL has taken a big step forward over last year (which can absolutely happen on a unit like that from one season to the next) and unless their secondary (and pass coverage in general) has improved over last year, this year's Alabama team is not going to be dominant like they were in '20 (not that many teams have been, including previous Bama teams).

    Florida was really the only team that gave them a ballgame that year (That I recall).

    I don't know if UT's OL is up to the task of making possible a big day for Bijan, or if Ewers (if given time) is ready at this point to light up their pass coverage, but I do know if Texas is able to complete enough short/intermediate passes and put together enough 4-yard gains on the ground to keep the sticks moving and eat up clock, it'll be a good ballgame.

    I don't think Bama's offense vs Texas' defense is going to be that competitive.  Too many weapons with too much experience and against a shortage of both for Texas.

     

     

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    4 hours ago, Huckleberry said:

    Worst part about this post is how it reminds me how old I am as I read through 3 pages of Longhorn internet posters who don't get the reference at all.

    Weren't there a couple of other recurring threads; one of them was something about doomed (anti-jinx) and another one saying "they suck, we should win easily"? 

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    9 hours ago, MAUFRAIS said:

    Can we get in writing from Alabama that they care about this game?

    Won't know if they cared or not until we know if they won or lost.

    The SEC is undefeated in games it cares about, even against itself.  They're so amazing and we're lucky to live in this epoch with them.

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    26 minutes ago, TexArcher said:

    Won't know if they cared or not until we know if they won or lost.

    The SEC is undefeated in games it cares about, even against itself.  They're so amazing and we're lucky to live in this epoch with them.

    And don't worry, the narrative is locked and loaded:

    Bama wins: OMG MOST DOMINANT TEAM EVER

    Bama loses: They were saving themselves for that "grueling" SEC conference play

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