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cactusflinthead

Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

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Good evening. I posted under a different name on Shaggy but have been lurking on this thread from time to time. Finally signed up for Surly. As someone who has dealt with OCD and depression, I want to say thank you all for sharing. As others have said, it’s good to remember we are not alone. 
 

You all take care of yourselves in these unusual times.

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3 hours ago, Shoxthemonkey said:

2 months without being bumped. I hope everybody is well.

Was coming here to post something like this... I’ve been happily balanced for almost 4 years Since I told my wife I was having suicidal thoughts and was diagnosed bi-polar . No depression and been able to manage my anxiety. 

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I'm feeling remarkably content myself. I'm glad to hear that you are doing well.

I'm not one to join in and offer any advice but I always find it comforting when I come to this thread and see the compassion and caring on display. One of only a handful of threads that I visit regularly that hasn't fallen into  the bickering that the rest of the site has. In large part because it has gone dark over the last few weeks.

Maybe @cactusflinthead can call the roll.

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On 1/20/2020 at 7:44 AM, XYZ said:

My daughter attempted suicide last night. She’s recovering in the hospital now.

 

On 1/20/2020 at 7:48 AM, TwiceHorn said:

Argh. Sorry to hear.

 

On 1/20/2020 at 11:31 AM, sidis said:

so sorry, man.  hang in there and try to keep your head up.

 

On 1/20/2020 at 12:03 PM, Bozo_Casanova said:

Oh man. I can't imagine. I hope this is the bottom. 

 

On 1/20/2020 at 5:04 PM, BearSchlong said:

Aw man. . .pulling for her to get better.

 

On 1/25/2020 at 12:56 AM, Helobious said:

I don’t think we have many boarding schools in Texas. TMI in SA & San Marcos Academy are boarding schools, but pretty rigorous/stressful academically. Marine Military Academy in Harlingen is entirely boarding school kids I think, not too intense academically, and definitely gives the students tons of structure & attention. However it’s all-boys and seemed like just a school for fuck-ups from rich families that got in trouble and got sent down to get corrected. 

 

On 1/28/2020 at 9:08 PM, Neonmoon said:

In the no shit category, your daughter needs to see a therapist on a regular basis 

 

On 1/29/2020 at 9:55 PM, Bill Brasky said:

this is the truth.   plenty of us have been through some shit or seen some shit.   not all the exact same flavor but definitely in the ballpark.   lots voices of experience around these parts 

 

On 2/1/2020 at 8:43 AM, troph said:

Haven’t check in on this thread in a while. Hang in there XYZ. I don’t have any words of comfort other than just love on her and know she’s not alone. Life sometimes is nothing but a sack of rocks. I’m praying she reconnects with her joy of life and can lean on that and you to see this through.

 

On 2/11/2020 at 7:55 PM, Lidig8r said:

Well boys, tomorrow I am presenting a "Lunch and Learn" session at ... Raytheon. In addition to the employees who will be there live, it is being broadcast on Raytheon's internal broadcast network. 

I am bringing Dr. Stephanie Setliff from the Eating Recovery Center to do the heavy lifting.

The first large corporation we will be addressing. It feels like the night before a big trial ... anxious, anticipatory, confident, nervous.

Stay on the path ... Stay on the path.

 

On 2/15/2020 at 11:47 PM, ROFL BOX said:

Today, I did a solo temporary water prevention (i.e. put synthetic vapor barrier [instead of felt] on a roof) today for a house in Kyle that got hit with that mini-tornado back around 3 or 4 weeks ago.

My back is killing me, I almost slipped 4x on loose shingle grit (3Tab roof, so pretty flat) & I tweaked something in one of the recoveries.

 

Plus, I'm probably 3 or 4 days behind schedule in getting contracts out to customers because I've been rolling solo on a lot of work & having to drive my daughter to get started on her GS cookie sales (her stretch goal is 2,000 individual boxes) until my wife can arrive from work.

 

I'm beat to hell.

 

On 2/16/2020 at 12:24 PM, HRSchenker said:

Have any of you ever experienced anxiety induced weight loss? I'm on a journey to lose weight the natural way BUT 10 years ago I had a panic attack. Heavy breathing, heart rate at 160, blood pressure through the roof, and an ER doc falsely told me I had a heart rhythm problem. A year and a half after that I finally had a cardiologist tell me that my heart is 100% in shape but it was torture the entire time. Weight went from 220 to 205 and my anxiety symptoms came in the form of an uncontrollable bladder. Literally felt like I had to piss every 5 minutes. It was horrible. People kept telling me "wow you look great! that diet and exercise is working" yet the only thing that kept me sane was lying on the couch or in my bed watching chappelle show reruns. I'm so thankful I passed that point in my life and if you're experiencing something like that I got your back. Been there done that. You will bounce back.

 

On 2/17/2020 at 8:43 PM, hookemATL said:

Marriage problems + unexpected job loss (one I really liked) led to some anxiety related weight loss for me. I just could gaf about eating most of the time and lived on coffee and gummy bears through a reallllly tough stretch of time while looking for another job. 
 

Things have settled a bit now that things have calmed down (on the marriage and job front) but I still fall back into those rhythms during rough patches. Exercise and time with friends i have found is the best thing to reset myself and get back to a healthy appetite and mindset. 

 

On 2/18/2020 at 8:14 AM, bluto said:

Add me to the opposite of ‘stress eating’... I’ll shed 10 lbs in a couple months of busy season typically. Beef jerky and peanuts making up 40% of my caloric intake then.

 

On 2/23/2020 at 11:18 PM, Goofyboy said:

Good luck.

 

On 2/26/2020 at 6:56 AM, Dbeasy said:

Finally a positive for those that struggle with depression. Laugh at Coronavirus.

 

 

On 3/21/2020 at 7:59 PM, Reagan1k said:

Parable of the Chinese Farmer is a good reminder in these times.  I think I’ve posted it before in this forum or the Alcoholic board. 

 

On 3/27/2020 at 9:36 AM, Parliament said:

I read recently that the 2008 crash spiked mental health problems (any maybe even suicides) for 3 years after.  Woof.

 

On 3/30/2020 at 8:36 PM, Sandman said:

My office has all but 10 of us working from home, I'm one of the "lucky" 10 that gets to hold down the fort. I've had to carry extra weight at work before, it's nothing new. But for whatever reason, I'm really fucking bothered this time. It seems like they're just taking it for granted. I know it's only been 1 week and there's no way to predict how they'll treat us when this is over, as in "will I be rewarded for standing up and getting shit done?", but I don't have much faith. And what really bothers me is the people in other departments that get to rotate, they can't work remotely so they switch off and that means for 2-3 days a week, they sit on their asses at home doing nothing but getting paid. Others work from home every day but they rely on people in the office to upload the work and that flow is very slow. So much of their time is spent sitting at home in chill mode. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get time-sensitive stuff processed and answer a shit-ton of phone calls. 

Every day, I get a little more upset about this. I should be able to let it go but it's difficult. I should just do what work I can do, control what I can control and let the rest hang. I just can't shake this anger, I feel an emotional dam trying to burst. Like I just want to yell and cry and punch stuff. Add in the horrible headache I have right now and it's just been a great day. I hope that by writing this out, it makes me feel better. We'll see.

Rant over, thanks for having this thread so we can do this sort of thing.

 The Nineteen quoted I see all the time around here in one or more threads. I tried to find the last time I took a reckoning of the hits on this halfassed group therapy. I want to say it was 15k, but that seems low because we're pushing 26. 

Friends and neighbors we have a dozen reasons to be anxious, depressed, and downright terrified. Fight it by looking for something to be grateful about. A goddamn hot cup of coffee. Another day on the right side of the dirt. Dogs and the stupid cat. Homegrown tomatoes. The smell of fresh bread and good tunes. 

The sound of the river early in the morning getting the hook wet for the first time in a while. The splash when it hits. 

Little shit adds up. I can find something to be glad about if I bother to look for it.

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I feel guilty. I've been on a good run for a while and when that happens, I forget about this thread. I hope everyone is hanging in there as best you can.

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On 12/26/2019 at 7:11 PM, cactusflinthead said:

We're at 20k now. Someone out there keeps clicking on it. 

Y'all keep your stick on the ice. We're all in this together. 

Merry Christmas you buncha aholes. 

Well, that's a good checkpoint. 6000 views since then. I don't know who reads this or why. I keep telling y'all this is not my thread. All I did was respond to something that was mentioned in another thread. What it has become is far more than I am capable of. There is a lot of good stuff in this thing. Maybe that's why it keeps getting hits. I get busy with work and the rest of life too. I keep the black dog at a distance and his howl is not quite so loud. I forget about this thread. But, there seems to be someone hitting it up. 

It is not necessary that you have to get it all off your chest out here. Read along and lurk is fine with me. The floor is yours if you ever want it. 

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Just saw this thread, I just posted this topic....

 

I should read back, I suffer from depression and GI issues (which are supposed to be related) among other things and would like to hear from you if you have tried any of these.

I need to read back.  I will share my progress with this Holistic Dr. , I'm also looking into hypnosis, but I am having a hard time deciding on one in Austin.

I have given up on therapy and antidepressants.  

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I’m doing great. Found a great CBD product to manage COVID stress and we decided to go to Colorado for 2 weeks. The month to prepare was a great distraction and the time outdoors was so great. Going back in about a month. Cool climate and sunshine outside is about the best medicine I could ever ask for. Stress looming but for now I’m good.

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You’re not alone. Don’t give up. You’re doing fine. Cheers 
 

Also, fuck Chip Brown 

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Posted (edited)

I've wanted to post but haven't knowing its not going to be popular. My twin step kids graduated high school on the 6th, of course Sammie would have been, should have been graduating then too.  As much as I love my step kids that night was a dick punch.

Work, from a business perspective, has been through the roof good.  We broke every company record during the month of May we've had in 33 years at the golf course.  Just under 10k rounds, and just under a half million in revenue.   June was off to the same start.   Never in that time has any of us who work there, worn a mask, or gloves, we handle cash daily and none of us have been sick, 0 missed days since the Rona.

No sports  nothing worthwhile on tv, now this cunt judge orders masks.  My anxiety makes it a difficult task at best, news is all Corona, protest, rinse and repeat. 

If I ever hear new normal or unprecedented times, it makes me want to flat throw things.  If this is indeed what life will be going forward I'm not real sure I even want to do it anymore. Wife loves me, twins surprised me with a brand new gas grill for father's day but theyre on some keto diet and nothing they eat even sounds good. I'm flat out down.

Feel like I've fought thru hell for 4 years since Sammie's suicide, and what do i get going forward,  a fucking mask and everything is doom and gloom.  

Edited by ImGolfn

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I don’t know what to say. I know you love and are loved. Maybe those lanes are more narrow right now than you want but it’s true you do and you are. Live in those lanes as best you can. That’s worth fighting for, that’s worth living for, your people around you love you and need you.

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@Patricio Swayze.Thanks for sharing. Sometimes just letting others in on the problem helps. You will find that you aren't alone, many of us are in a similar boat and we care.

I'm sure you have thought about this and investigated it but there should be a way to monetize or make a career out of your photography. I always look forward to your posts in the snek and photography threads. There are several of your rural, abandoned building photos that I would purchase if you were offering prints. You have a real talent for that. Hang in there as best you can, I care.

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7 hours ago, Patricio Swayze said:

Holding on by a thread. Losing my job has put a lot of stress i. Me and the marriage. Too tied to get j to details. Just want to openly acknowledge it.

This too shall pass.

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8 hours ago, Patricio Swayze said:

Holding on by a thread. Losing my job has put a lot of stress i. Me and the marriage. Too tied to get j to details. Just want to openly acknowledge it.

Hang in there, every storm passes. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself for months now. We’ve been having a nightmare situation with a family member like you wouldn’t believe. Last week started going to marriage counseling.

Speaking of photography, I recently visited an abandoned nuclear missile silo near Abilene. I thought you’d be able to take some good pictures at that place. You probably don’t recognize my username, but we once met and I snuck you in the Astrodome.

Hang in there, dude.

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Thanks y’all.

Searching for a job in O&G right now is depressing in its own right. But something will come along.

As for selling prints, I do. It’s just not enough to make a living. However, any little bit helps. For anyone interested (and please, I am not begging), you can DM me about prints.

XYZ, that is awesome. And I was wondering where you were these days. Good to know you are around. I actually just sold a print from the astrodome. I was so stoked you got me in.

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Thanks y’all.

Searching for a job in O&G right now is depressing in its own right. But something will come along.

As for selling prints, I do. It’s just not enough to make a living. However, any little bit helps. For anyone interested (and please, I am not begging), you can DM me about prints.

XYZ, that is awesome. And I was wondering where you were these days. Good to know you are around. I actually just sold a print from the astrodome. I was so stoked you got me in.

Have you hit up Kewit? Last I heard they were still hiring. Good luck!

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Oh why the hell not. I angry-posted my return in CR last week.  Now I'm (marginally) less angry.  I had cancer 8 years ago.  Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  I beat it. I figured it was a one-off and just went on with my life.  March 5 of this year I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer with lymph node involvement.  Seems the radiation treatment I received for the Hodgkin's left me extra-susceptible to breast cancer.  Oops.  So anyway I am on an estrogen-blocker that makes me feel 90 years old.  I had a lumpectomy three weeks ago, now I'm facing a surgery to remove nerve stimulator implants for chronic migraines because they are in the radiation field.  I'm scrambling to get that done around the hospital closures.  Then I get 20 weeks of chemo.  Then 4 weeks of radiation.  Then ten years of this estrogen-blocker medicine. No that was not a typo.  Ten years.  I don't think I'm willing to do that.  If I die 10 years earlier or even 20 years, so be it.  I have no interest in feeling like this until I'm 100.  I'd rather feel good and live to 70.  My husband is freaked out about this, which makes things worse. 

I've dealt with depression all my adult life.  After the cancer incident I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety.  I didn't even know what anxiety was before then.  I ate stress for breakfast.  Apparently PTSD after cancer treatment is fairly common and affects about 1 in 4 survivors.  When I told my oncologist about it at the time, he said, "Oh yeah, that can happen."  How about saying something about it then?

Anyhoo, I've been working very hard for the last eight years to get my life together.  Now this.  I mean, how do you get over PTSD when the Ts keep happening?  I think I should just start calling it TSD. I'm on an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety, receive weekly talk therapy, and I meditate and exercise and do yoga daily.  I avoid sugar, I eat mostly clean.  I do what I can.

Did I mention I was sexually assaulted by a healthcare provider while I was sedated for a migraine therapy last year?  I reported him to the nursing board.  Nothing.  No proof.  I reported it to the doctor.  Nothing.  No proof.  They nurse said I imagined it.  Motherfucker still has his job.  Anyway the next time you wonder why women don't always report these things, and then get so furious when we get victim-shamed,  this is why.  I went through a lot of time and hassle and humiliation just to see him get off with nothing but a note in his file.  But I digress.

I'm irrationally afraid of getting Covid.  Technically I'm not at any more risk than anyone else, but it would play hell with my treatment plan and pretty soon I'm going to be immunocompromised which will make the odds worse.  I am irrationally angry with the president, the governor, and those who won't wear mask.  I can't concentrate at work,  and I have a job which requires a high degree of accuracy and decision-making skills, both of which are impaired by the medication and my mood. I do work at home so that helps.

I fantasize about being confronted about my mask so I can attempt to beat the shit out of someone.  Yeah I'm a 57 year old woman but I'm a singer and a guitar player in a rock band, goddammit,so I can hold my own in a confrontation.  I want to scream at everyone.  I pick fight with friends of friends on Facebook because I swore to myself I wouldn't post political shit on my own page so I created my own loophole.  I work in the financial services field so I need to be really careful about that in case someone doxes me.  I mostly stick to telling Trump supporters they are idiots, but you can't be too careful these days.  

You know, I don't even like many of y'all.  I go all the way back to the original Hornfans.  Got hooked on the "USC Cheerleader Travels" thread, or whatever the hell it was.  Since then I've aged and it seems the board hasn't, and I find most posters to be insufferably immature and misogynist.  So I lurk on the football thread just to keep tabs on 'sup, and sometimes on Daily Texan because a lot of those threads seem to have the inside scoop on things, and sometimes, when I'm feeling masochistic, I check out the Cloak Room.  

I feel like every time I get close to happiness, something knocks me back.  I have a pretty crazy history with both physical and mental trauma that I won't go into here but let's just say if I wrote a movie about my life I don't think anyone would believe it. Especially the timing.  It seems like I'm always on the verge of something good when something catastrophic happens.  The first time I got cancer it derailed my life. Recovered and went through a tough marital period that we seem to have conquered. Got over that, started getting better, then the assault. Tried to deal with that, made some headway.  Started a great music project - connections in Austin, L.A., and Chicago. FIVE DAYS after I launched my new site and unveiled my schedule of gigs, I get the cancer diagnosis.  The next week, shit starts shutting down.  Musically I may be finished.  I mean, I look pretty damn good for 57 if I do say so myself (no pics, asswipes) but I have a limited shelf life for doing what I love, which is singing live.  At least in pretentious Austin.  I might have a chance on the blues circuit in Chicago.  But I don't live in Chicago and I can't move there.

I'm not expecting y'all to magically solve all my problems, but I just need to get it all out.  I did feel marginally better after I posted in CR so I thought I'd try it here where the audience is a little less, ahem, judgy.  So thanks for listening, and I wish all of you health and peace.  

 

 

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I was diagnosed with panic disorder, anxiety disorder and depression about 18 months ago. Average about a panic attack every few days. Once every couple of months I'll have 20+ in a short period of time (5-7 days). 

I'm wondering if my panic attacks are really something else, like seizures. Been looking into this. I'm changing doctors because my former one said he just couldn't help me any more with this, and needed to see someone else. 

Thanks for listening. Hope everyone is OK during this time. 

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29 minutes ago, M12BH said:

Oh why the hell not. I angry-posted my return in CR last week.  Now I'm (marginally) less angry.  I had cancer 8 years ago.  Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  I beat it. I figured it was a one-off and just went on with my life.  March 5 of this year I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer with lymph node involvement.  Seems the radiation treatment I received for the Hodgkin's left me extra-susceptible to breast cancer.  Oops.  So anyway I am on an estrogen-blocker that makes me feel 90 years old.  I had a lumpectomy three weeks ago, now I'm facing a surgery to remove nerve stimulator implants for chronic migraines because they are in the radiation field.  I'm scrambling to get that done around the hospital closures.  Then I get 20 weeks of chemo.  Then 4 weeks of radiation.  Then ten years of this estrogen-blocker medicine. No that was not a typo.  Ten years.  I don't think I'm willing to do that.  If I die 10 years earlier or even 20 years, so be it.  I have no interest in feeling like this until I'm 100.  I'd rather feel good and live to 70.  My husband is freaked out about this, which makes things worse. 

I've dealt with depression all my adult life.  After the cancer incident I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety.  I didn't even know what anxiety was before then.  I ate stress for breakfast.  Apparently PTSD after cancer treatment is fairly common and affects about 1 in 4 survivors.  When I told my oncologist about it at the time, he said, "Oh yeah, that can happen."  How about saying something about it then?

Anyhoo, I've been working very hard for the last eight years to get my life together.  Now this.  I mean, how do you get over PTSD when the Ts keep happening?  I think I should just start calling it TSD. I'm on an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety, receive weekly talk therapy, and I meditate and exercise and do yoga daily.  I avoid sugar, I eat mostly clean.  I do what I can.

Did I mention I was sexually assaulted by a healthcare provider while I was sedated for a migraine therapy last year?  I reported him to the nursing board.  Nothing.  No proof.  I reported it to the doctor.  Nothing.  No proof.  They nurse said I imagined it.  Motherfucker still has his job.  Anyway the next time you wonder why women don't always report these things, and then get so furious when we get victim-shamed,  this is why.  I went through a lot of time and hassle and humiliation just to see him get off with nothing but a note in his file.  But I digress.

I'm irrationally afraid of getting Covid.  Technically I'm not at any more risk than anyone else, but it would play hell with my treatment plan and pretty soon I'm going to be immunocompromised which will make the odds worse.  I am irrationally angry with the president, the governor, and those who won't wear mask.  I can't concentrate at work,  and I have a job which requires a high degree of accuracy and decision-making skills, both of which are impaired by the medication and my mood. I do work at home so that helps.

I fantasize about being confronted about my mask so I can attempt to beat the shit out of someone.  Yeah I'm a 57 year old woman but I'm a singer and a guitar player in a rock band, goddammit,so I can hold my own in a confrontation.  I want to scream at everyone.  I pick fight with friends of friends on Facebook because I swore to myself I wouldn't post political shit on my own page so I created my own loophole.  I work in the financial services field so I need to be really careful about that in case someone doxes me.  I mostly stick to telling Trump supporters they are idiots, but you can't be too careful these days.  

You know, I don't even like many of y'all.  I go all the way back to the original Hornfans.  Got hooked on the "USC Cheerleader Travels" thread, or whatever the hell it was.  Since then I've aged and it seems the board hasn't, and I find most posters to be insufferably immature and misogynist.  So I lurk on the football thread just to keep tabs on 'sup, and sometimes on Daily Texan because a lot of those threads seem to have the inside scoop on things, and sometimes, when I'm feeling masochistic, I check out the Cloak Room.  

I feel like every time I get close to happiness, something knocks me back.  I have a pretty crazy history with both physical and mental trauma that I won't go into here but let's just say if I wrote a movie about my life I don't think anyone would believe it. Especially the timing.  It seems like I'm always on the verge of something good when something catastrophic happens.  The first time I got cancer it derailed my life. Recovered and went through a tough marital period that we seem to have conquered. Got over that, started getting better, then the assault. Tried to deal with that, made some headway.  Started a great music project - connections in Austin, L.A., and Chicago. FIVE DAYS after I launched my new site and unveiled my schedule of gigs, I get the cancer diagnosis.  The next week, shit starts shutting down.  Musically I may be finished.  I mean, I look pretty damn good for 57 if I do say so myself (no pics, asswipes) but I have a limited shelf life for doing what I love, which is singing live.  At least in pretentious Austin.  I might have a chance on the blues circuit in Chicago.  But I don't live in Chicago and I can't move there.

I'm not expecting y'all to magically solve all my problems, but I just need to get it all out.  I did feel marginally better after I posted in CR so I thought I'd try it here where the audience is a little less, ahem, judgy.  So thanks for listening, and I wish all of you health and peace.  

 

 

As someone who’s always defaulted to “that bitch is lying” whenever I hear about a sexual assault allegation... thank you for sharing your story. Really. I’ve never actually really heard (or cared to listen, sadly) to someone’s experience like that. It must be just horrible. Starting to wonder how many women I care about that have been through something similar, and have never spoken up about it out of fear of being ignored & ostracized. It’s an eye-opening thought for me.

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4 minutes ago, Helobious said:

As someone who’s always defaulted to “that bitch is lying” whenever I hear about a sexual assault allegation... thank you for sharing your story. Really. I’ve never actually really heard (or cared to listen, sadly) to someone’s experience like that. It must be just horrible. Starting to wonder how many women I care about that have been through something similar, and have never spoken up about it out of fear of being ignored & ostracized. It’s an eye-opening thought for me.

Wow.  Thank you for your candor.  I can personally guarantee that the vast majority of women who accuse men of sexual misconduct are telling the truth, and that many more of them never bother to say anything at all because they expect to experience what I did.  I can only take comfort in the fact that if my assaulter does pull a Kavanaugh* later in life, at least there will be records available.  I can't imagine going public with something like that and then having to experience what Christine Ford did.  I honestly don't think I'd survive it.  

By the way, my assaulter was 26 years old married with a kid and another on the way. He was a great nurse and I adored him.  So yeah appearances can be deceiving. 

 

*No CR please, I mentioned this in the context of struggling to decide how far to take the matter and how it affected my mental health.  

 

 

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3 hours ago, M12BH said:

Oh why the hell not. I angry-posted my return in CR last week.  Now I'm (marginally) less angry.  I had cancer 8 years ago.  Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  I beat it. I figured it was a one-off and just went on with my life.  March 5 of this year I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer with lymph node involvement.  Seems the radiation treatment I received for the Hodgkin's left me extra-susceptible to breast cancer.  Oops.  So anyway I am on an estrogen-blocker that makes me feel 90 years old.  I had a lumpectomy three weeks ago, now I'm facing a surgery to remove nerve stimulator implants for chronic migraines because they are in the radiation field.  I'm scrambling to get that done around the hospital closures.  Then I get 20 weeks of chemo.  Then 4 weeks of radiation.  Then ten years of this estrogen-blocker medicine. No that was not a typo.  Ten years.  I don't think I'm willing to do that.  If I die 10 years earlier or even 20 years, so be it.  I have no interest in feeling like this until I'm 100.  I'd rather feel good and live to 70.  My husband is freaked out about this, which makes things worse. 

I've dealt with depression all my adult life.  After the cancer incident I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety.  I didn't even know what anxiety was before then.  I ate stress for breakfast.  Apparently PTSD after cancer treatment is fairly common and affects about 1 in 4 survivors.  When I told my oncologist about it at the time, he said, "Oh yeah, that can happen."  How about saying something about it then?

Anyhoo, I've been working very hard for the last eight years to get my life together.  Now this.  I mean, how do you get over PTSD when the Ts keep happening?  I think I should just start calling it TSD. I'm on an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety, receive weekly talk therapy, and I meditate and exercise and do yoga daily.  I avoid sugar, I eat mostly clean.  I do what I can.

Did I mention I was sexually assaulted by a healthcare provider while I was sedated for a migraine therapy last year?  I reported him to the nursing board.  Nothing.  No proof.  I reported it to the doctor.  Nothing.  No proof.  They nurse said I imagined it.  Motherfucker still has his job.  Anyway the next time you wonder why women don't always report these things, and then get so furious when we get victim-shamed,  this is why.  I went through a lot of time and hassle and humiliation just to see him get off with nothing but a note in his file.  But I digress.

I'm irrationally afraid of getting Covid.  Technically I'm not at any more risk than anyone else, but it would play hell with my treatment plan and pretty soon I'm going to be immunocompromised which will make the odds worse.  I am irrationally angry with the president, the governor, and those who won't wear mask.  I can't concentrate at work,  and I have a job which requires a high degree of accuracy and decision-making skills, both of which are impaired by the medication and my mood. I do work at home so that helps.

I fantasize about being confronted about my mask so I can attempt to beat the shit out of someone.  Yeah I'm a 57 year old woman but I'm a singer and a guitar player in a rock band, goddammit,so I can hold my own in a confrontation.  I want to scream at everyone.  I pick fight with friends of friends on Facebook because I swore to myself I wouldn't post political shit on my own page so I created my own loophole.  I work in the financial services field so I need to be really careful about that in case someone doxes me.  I mostly stick to telling Trump supporters they are idiots, but you can't be too careful these days.  

You know, I don't even like many of y'all.  I go all the way back to the original Hornfans.  Got hooked on the "USC Cheerleader Travels" thread, or whatever the hell it was.  Since then I've aged and it seems the board hasn't, and I find most posters to be insufferably immature and misogynist.  So I lurk on the football thread just to keep tabs on 'sup, and sometimes on Daily Texan because a lot of those threads seem to have the inside scoop on things, and sometimes, when I'm feeling masochistic, I check out the Cloak Room.  

I feel like every time I get close to happiness, something knocks me back.  I have a pretty crazy history with both physical and mental trauma that I won't go into here but let's just say if I wrote a movie about my life I don't think anyone would believe it. Especially the timing.  It seems like I'm always on the verge of something good when something catastrophic happens.  The first time I got cancer it derailed my life. Recovered and went through a tough marital period that we seem to have conquered. Got over that, started getting better, then the assault. Tried to deal with that, made some headway.  Started a great music project - connections in Austin, L.A., and Chicago. FIVE DAYS after I launched my new site and unveiled my schedule of gigs, I get the cancer diagnosis.  The next week, shit starts shutting down.  Musically I may be finished.  I mean, I look pretty damn good for 57 if I do say so myself (no pics, asswipes) but I have a limited shelf life for doing what I love, which is singing live.  At least in pretentious Austin.  I might have a chance on the blues circuit in Chicago.  But I don't live in Chicago and I can't move there.

I'm not expecting y'all to magically solve all my problems, but I just need to get it all out.  I did feel marginally better after I posted in CR so I thought I'd try it here where the audience is a little less, ahem, judgy.  So thanks for listening, and I wish all of you health and peace.

Fuck cancer. Fuck people who take advantage of others. Fuck this pandemic.

You seem like a warrior.

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4 hours ago, M12BH said:

Oh why the hell not. I angry-posted my return in CR last week.  Now I'm (marginally) less angry.  I had cancer 8 years ago.  Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  I beat it. I figured it was a one-off and just went on with my life.  March 5 of this year I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer with lymph node involvement.  Seems the radiation treatment I received for the Hodgkin's left me extra-susceptible to breast cancer.  Oops.  So anyway I am on an estrogen-blocker that makes me feel 90 years old.  I had a lumpectomy three weeks ago, now I'm facing a surgery to remove nerve stimulator implants for chronic migraines because they are in the radiation field.  I'm scrambling to get that done around the hospital closures.  Then I get 20 weeks of chemo.  Then 4 weeks of radiation.  Then ten years of this estrogen-blocker medicine. No that was not a typo.  Ten years.  I don't think I'm willing to do that.  If I die 10 years earlier or even 20 years, so be it.  I have no interest in feeling like this until I'm 100.  I'd rather feel good and live to 70.  My husband is freaked out about this, which makes things worse. 

I've dealt with depression all my adult life.  After the cancer incident I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety.  I didn't even know what anxiety was before then.  I ate stress for breakfast.  Apparently PTSD after cancer treatment is fairly common and affects about 1 in 4 survivors.  When I told my oncologist about it at the time, he said, "Oh yeah, that can happen."  How about saying something about it then?

Anyhoo, I've been working very hard for the last eight years to get my life together.  Now this.  I mean, how do you get over PTSD when the Ts keep happening?  I think I should just start calling it TSD. I'm on an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety, receive weekly talk therapy, and I meditate and exercise and do yoga daily.  I avoid sugar, I eat mostly clean.  I do what I can.

Did I mention I was sexually assaulted by a healthcare provider while I was sedated for a migraine therapy last year?  I reported him to the nursing board.  Nothing.  No proof.  I reported it to the doctor.  Nothing.  No proof.  They nurse said I imagined it.  Motherfucker still has his job.  Anyway the next time you wonder why women don't always report these things, and then get so furious when we get victim-shamed,  this is why.  I went through a lot of time and hassle and humiliation just to see him get off with nothing but a note in his file.  But I digress.

I'm irrationally afraid of getting Covid.  Technically I'm not at any more risk than anyone else, but it would play hell with my treatment plan and pretty soon I'm going to be immunocompromised which will make the odds worse.  I am irrationally angry with the president, the governor, and those who won't wear mask.  I can't concentrate at work,  and I have a job which requires a high degree of accuracy and decision-making skills, both of which are impaired by the medication and my mood. I do work at home so that helps.

I fantasize about being confronted about my mask so I can attempt to beat the shit out of someone.  Yeah I'm a 57 year old woman but I'm a singer and a guitar player in a rock band, goddammit,so I can hold my own in a confrontation.  I want to scream at everyone.  I pick fight with friends of friends on Facebook because I swore to myself I wouldn't post political shit on my own page so I created my own loophole.  I work in the financial services field so I need to be really careful about that in case someone doxes me.  I mostly stick to telling Trump supporters they are idiots, but you can't be too careful these days.  

You know, I don't even like many of y'all.  I go all the way back to the original Hornfans.  Got hooked on the "USC Cheerleader Travels" thread, or whatever the hell it was.  Since then I've aged and it seems the board hasn't, and I find most posters to be insufferably immature and misogynist.  So I lurk on the football thread just to keep tabs on 'sup, and sometimes on Daily Texan because a lot of those threads seem to have the inside scoop on things, and sometimes, when I'm feeling masochistic, I check out the Cloak Room.  

I feel like every time I get close to happiness, something knocks me back.  I have a pretty crazy history with both physical and mental trauma that I won't go into here but let's just say if I wrote a movie about my life I don't think anyone would believe it. Especially the timing.  It seems like I'm always on the verge of something good when something catastrophic happens.  The first time I got cancer it derailed my life. Recovered and went through a tough marital period that we seem to have conquered. Got over that, started getting better, then the assault. Tried to deal with that, made some headway.  Started a great music project - connections in Austin, L.A., and Chicago. FIVE DAYS after I launched my new site and unveiled my schedule of gigs, I get the cancer diagnosis.  The next week, shit starts shutting down.  Musically I may be finished.  I mean, I look pretty damn good for 57 if I do say so myself (no pics, asswipes) but I have a limited shelf life for doing what I love, which is singing live.  At least in pretentious Austin.  I might have a chance on the blues circuit in Chicago.  But I don't live in Chicago and I can't move there.

I'm not expecting y'all to magically solve all my problems, but I just need to get it all out.  I did feel marginally better after I posted in CR so I thought I'd try it here where the audience is a little less, ahem, judgy.  So thanks for listening, and I wish all of you health and peace.  

 

 

 

my neighbor was sexually assaulted last week in the houston med center. i talked her into reporting it

hang in there 

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As someone who’s always defaulted to “that bitch is lying” whenever I hear about a sexual assault allegation... thank you for sharing your story. Really. I’ve never actually really heard (or cared to listen, sadly) to someone’s experience like that. It must be just horrible. Starting to wonder how many women I care about that have been through something similar, and have never spoken up about it out of fear of being ignored & ostracized. It’s an eye-opening thought for me.

She’s not lying not that you said she was. And your post is well received. And as to her post - if she didn’t suffer you fools she and I never would have met. She’s good people. And a hot looking guitarist too. Fucking gut punch to hear about the latest.

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2 hours ago, XYZ said:

Fuck cancer. Fuck people who take advantage of others. Fuck this pandemic.

You seem like a warrior.

QFT, especially the last.  Hang in there Ms. Macallan.  We're rooting for you.  I wonder if a different oncologist might have a different approach to the estrogen blocker or a different one that you tolerate better?  The prognosis for breast cancer seems to be getting better all the time.

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Seriously.  Thanks.  For some reason it really does matter that you assholes are rooting to me.  And yeah, I count Troph's friendship as one of the better things that has occurred via my association with Surly.  

Onward we go....

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I called my dad right before father's day, just to shoot the shit. He says "Oh yeah, I had a procedure the other day...". Four years ago, he almost died from a heart attack and wound up getting a triple bypass and some other shit done as well. I guess when he went in for a check-up recently, they didn't like what they heard, so he had an ultrasound done. His heart is working at about 50%, same as one side of his carotid. The other side of the carotid was 100% blocked 4 years ago and they bypassed that as well. So he tells me he's getting an angiogram on 7-2, they might also put in a stent or two. I took off work but with the covid shit, there can only be one person in the hospital with him and so my sister and I have been trying to formulate a plan. But starting last night, I've been racked with some kind of sickness. Don't think it's covid but what do I know? I don't have a fever but I've been shitting my brains out and have an awful headache. I don't want to just abandon ship on my sister but I don't know if I can allow myself to be around him. My guess is it's just "one of those things" that needs to run it's course.

I've had long-standing guilt issues and man, they are kicking my ass today. If I go, I'm a careless prick. If I stay away, I'm a cold-hearted prick. Even though I know it's just my imagination, I keep thinking my dad and sister will assume I'm lying about being sick so I can avoid going at all. I texted my sister today and gave her a heads-up, she didn't seem bothered at all but...guilt, guilt, guilt. And no, I haven't done anything in my past, I just have that thing going on inside my head. 

If nothing changes, I won't go. My sister's husband is considered high risk and I don't want to potentially expose either of them. But I can't stop thinking that this could be it. He might not walk out of there. And I'd be home, doing nothing. Fuck.

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11 minutes ago, Sandman said:

I called my dad right before father's day, just to shoot the shit. He says "Oh yeah, I had a procedure the other day...". Four years ago, he almost died from a heart attack and wound up getting a triple bypass and some other shit done as well. I guess when he went in for a check-up recently, they didn't like what they heard, so he had an ultrasound done. His heart is working at about 50%, same as one side of his carotid. The other side of the carotid was 100% blocked 4 years ago and they bypassed that as well. So he tells me he's getting an angiogram on 7-2, they might also put in a stent or two. I took off work but with the covid shit, there can only be one person in the hospital with him and so my sister and I have been trying to formulate a plan. But starting last night, I've been racked with some kind of sickness. Don't think it's covid but what do I know? I don't have a fever but I've been shitting my brains out and have an awful headache. I don't want to just abandon ship on my sister but I don't know if I can allow myself to be around him. My guess is it's just "one of those things" that needs to run it's course.

I've had long-standing guilt issues and man, they are kicking my ass today. If I go, I'm a careless prick. If I stay away, I'm a cold-hearted prick. Even though I know it's just my imagination, I keep thinking my dad and sister will assume I'm lying about being sick so I can avoid going at all. I texted my sister today and gave her a heads-up, she didn't seem bothered at all but...guilt, guilt, guilt. And no, I haven't done anything in my past, I just have that thing going on inside my head. 

If nothing changes, I won't go. My sister's husband is considered high risk and I don't want to potentially expose either of them. But I can't stop thinking that this could be it. He might not walk out of there. And I'd be home, doing nothing. Fuck.

If it informs your decision making any, one of my employees had Corona.  Her only symptom when tested was diahrrea.  I'm not saying you have it or need tested, I'm saying you need to be cautious.  I hope he's ok.

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1 hour ago, SwanderedTalent said:

ummmm, you might have wanted to lead with that while you were being "candid"

Well I didn't. I'm sorry that the order of my thoughts didn't suit you when expressing myself about a sexual assault. Deal with it. And if by putting "candid" in quotes you are meaning to imply that I was not, when I was in actuality thanking someone else for his candor, then fuck you.

Mods delete this if it's inappropriate.  I'm way past caring at this point. 

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So, something that has been bubbling around in my mind came to the forefront (of my mind) recently.

It's provoked by the fact that I sometimes get a little "queasy" laughing at and judging candid videos of people, from the Worldstar thread to the Karen thread, especially when I feel that the recorded behavior may be at least partially driven by mental illness.

While most of us seem to suffer from mental illnesses on the depressive or anxiety scale somewhere, we also need to acknowledge that there are illnesses on the other "end" of the scale that, instead of putting us in the dumps and giving us the sads or quietly paralyzing us, it makes us into raging assholes or crazy maniacs.  I am speaking of bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, and some of the "personality" disorders, such as borderline, histrionic, or narcissistic.

It seems to me that society may be willing to cut the depressive a break in part because their behavior is not all that obnoxious.  Florid schizophrenics, too, because their behavior is or can be so outrageous that it just has to be a product of disease or illness.  "We" wouldn't dare call the behaviors resulting from those afflictions choices or reflections of character (but sometimes there is an element of choice or morality there, such as whether to seek or maintain treatment).

But there are some "in-between" disorders that can result in periodic obnoxious behavior that are, to some extent at least, beyond the control of the sufferer.  And "we" rarely acknowledge that.

Kind of like the drinker whose behavior gets called a moral failing, I think we have a tendency to make moral judgments with some of the illnesses and disorders that exhibit obnoxious behavior.  Not dissimilar to the old "get off your ass" reaction to the depressed that is now mostly discredited.

As mentioned, as with most things relating to human behavior, there is some element of choice or morality and the behaviors may exhibit, reveal, or exacerbate ingrained learned behaviors such as racism.  But kind of like I don't buy "in vino veritas" for drunks, I'm not sure it's completely fair to judge people based on their behaviors under the influence of these disorders.

I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong on the matter, just something worth being conscious of if we are trying to be empathetic about mental illness.

Edited by TwiceHorn

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On 7/2/2020 at 10:10 AM, M12BH said:

I'm sorry that the order of my thoughts didn't suit you

yeah that was the problem, not coupling "man I'm having a hard time, this is difficult" with "oh and FUCK YOU to anyone reading this who thinks differently than me about politics"

let me as you a question, did it occur to you that there might be people who see the thread title and click in here to see what's being said about stuff they feel like they're going through, and among the first five or ten posts they come across, one is a big "FUCK YOU" for stuff that's not even related....?

 

Edited by SwanderedTalent

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and I guess to add, post-edit-window, I'm sorry you're having a hard time with depression and anger. I know what that feels like, even if I have no idea what your specific circumstances feel like. 

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On 6/30/2020 at 8:33 PM, Sandman said:

I called my dad right before father's day, just to shoot the shit. He says "Oh yeah, I had a procedure the other day...". Four years ago, he almost died from a heart attack and wound up getting a triple bypass and some other shit done as well. I guess when he went in for a check-up recently, they didn't like what they heard, so he had an ultrasound done. His heart is working at about 50%, same as one side of his carotid. The other side of the carotid was 100% blocked 4 years ago and they bypassed that as well. So he tells me he's getting an angiogram on 7-2, they might also put in a stent or two. I took off work but with the covid shit, there can only be one person in the hospital with him and so my sister and I have been trying to formulate a plan. But starting last night, I've been racked with some kind of sickness. Don't think it's covid but what do I know? I don't have a fever but I've been shitting my brains out and have an awful headache. I don't want to just abandon ship on my sister but I don't know if I can allow myself to be around him. My guess is it's just "one of those things" that needs to run it's course.

I've had long-standing guilt issues and man, they are kicking my ass today. If I go, I'm a careless prick. If I stay away, I'm a cold-hearted prick. Even though I know it's just my imagination, I keep thinking my dad and sister will assume I'm lying about being sick so I can avoid going at all. I texted my sister today and gave her a heads-up, she didn't seem bothered at all but...guilt, guilt, guilt. And no, I haven't done anything in my past, I just have that thing going on inside my head. 

If nothing changes, I won't go. My sister's husband is considered high risk and I don't want to potentially expose either of them. But I can't stop thinking that this could be it. He might not walk out of there. And I'd be home, doing nothing. Fuck.

So the angiogram showed that one of the bypasses my dad had 4 years ago is now 90% blocked. My sister said the Dr seemed comcerned, which is not how he normally acts. He got my dad squeezed into the schedule for monday to have a stent put in. Thankfully, his carotid is ok. Dad is fine, he's a former cardio-cath guy and was chatting up the nurses.

He's not out of the woods and I'm feeling fucked up about the new blockage but I guess it could be worse. Thanks for letting me get my thoughts out, it really helps.

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