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Shit My Kid Says

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Posted (edited)
19 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

I got called "a red-headed devil with a stinky butthole that has a thousand eyes" today. 

(*I have brown hair, and my butthole has no eyes. I don't think that it stinks, but I suppose it's possible I may not know the truth.)

Damn I just screamed out with laughter in the cardiologists office.  I think I set off the old womans pacemakersitting down from me.

Little Doomlet sounds like a riot.  How old is he?

Edited by SHOOTER12
FatfingerFreddie

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On 5/7/2020 at 6:05 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

I got called "a red-headed devil with a stinky butthole that has a thousand eyes" today. 

(*I have brown hair, and my butthole has no eyes. I don't think that it stinks, but I suppose it's possible I may not know the truth.)

You generally have to pay more for that

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Having the summertime bed time discussion with the kids:

Me: and no yelling and screaming when I tell you to go to bed like last night.

11yo: But I already forgave you for that.

Me: That's not how it works.

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Posted (edited)

Asked with a tone as though this was definitely a binary choice, "Dad, is your butthole stupid, or rotten?" 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

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13 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Asked with a tone as though this was definitely a binary choice, "Dad, is your butthole stupid, or rotten?" 

Well...?

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Asked with a tone as though this was definitely a binary choice, "Dad, is your butthole stupid, or rotten?" 
I don't think you're rotten, son.

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On 5/9/2020 at 2:35 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

"There should be something called a pork butt hole."

Oh there is. Apparently that’s in calamari at some cheap restaurants 

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If you've never been on a hot day & put on a pair of underwear directly out of the freezer then I cannot begin to explain the joy you're missing out on.

 

Yes, I said that.

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I haven’t posted this because I wasn’t sure it would translate, and I’m also still in horrified disbelief that she said this, but I can’t sleep so here goes:

I have five kids 7-14. We were all sitting around the TV playing jackbox games with the neighbors. My seven year old daughter, Maggie, is hilarious and was killing it on the game. Also playing was my 14 year old daughter, Annie, my middle three kids and a neighbor family.

(If you’ve played quiplash, you know that the game on the tv gives you a prompt, and then the players enter a funny or clever answer in hopes of getting votes as the best answer.)

The prompt was: “something you don’t want to find in your ice cube.”

The two answers written by the kids to choose from were:

A bandaid
Blod

I said, “blod? What’s blod?”

Maggie (the first grader) blurted out: “well, i didn’t have room to type it all, but it’s not just any blood, I meant Annie’s (the ninth grader) vagina blood. Did you guys know she had that? Wouldn’t that be terrible in your ice cube?”

Shocked silence and then awkward sputtering, finally followed by cackling. Neighbors quickly left to explain menstruation to their children.

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On 6/4/2020 at 12:10 PM, ROFL BOX said:

If you've never been on a hot day & put on a pair of underwear directly out of the freezer then I cannot begin to explain the joy you're missing out on.

 

Yes, I said that.

I just tried this after mowing my lawn. It's fucking genius

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Said with some degree of trepidation, "Mom, it feels like I have jelly beans in my nuts." 

~~~~~

He later reminded Mrs. Doom that, "Tomorrow is St. Butthole's day, and I don't pay taxes!!!" so make sure you put that on your calendar if it isn't already there. 

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14 year old ABSR jr is eating his second full adult portion of the meal and looking for more.   Mrs. ANSR says “Don’t keep eating if you are full.”   
 

ABSR jr says “I don’t ever really get full, just less hungry.”

 

For those with, or who had, teenage boys, this is a great way to describe it.

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2 hours ago, tbone_ said:

St Buttholes Day is a great band name

He's already decided that his band will be called Spooky Trees (like the ones from Iron Maiden's Fear of the Dark), with the first album title of "Uno" and the follow-up album called "Trapped Under Ice." With any luck, we'll hear from Metallica's lawyers about it someday. 

 

 

Iron_Maiden_-_Fear_Of_The_Dark.jpg

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8 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

He's already decided that his band will be called Spooky Trees (like the ones from Iron Maiden's Fear of the Dark), with the first album title of "Uno"

 

 

 

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis... or something like that.  #Offspring

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Apparently my 6yo boy thinks that each ball produces a baby and told my wife that when he grows up he's going to have two kids because he has two balls just like me (I have two kids).

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5 minutes ago, Modessit said:

Apparently my 6yo boy thinks that each ball produces a baby and told my wife that when he grows up he's going to have two kids because he has two balls just like me (I have two kids).

dunk shawn GIF

 

Might want to go ahead and have the sex talk with him.

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On 4/29/2020 at 8:03 PM, blacklab said:

The principal of my kids elementary school stopped by yesterday to give out the awards my kids would have gotten.

As she was walking up to our porch:

9yo "YOU NEED TO STAY 6 FEET AWAY FROM ME"

 

Similar to what my 9 yo daughter said to the delivery guy: 

DON"T COME ANY CLOSER JUST SET IT DOWN RIGHT THERE!

 

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We drove by the park today and my son saw 6 or 7 ladies all talking in the parking lot. He said “look at that meeting of Karens”.

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