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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

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From my dad. . .

"I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’


So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.


‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.


Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.


‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.


She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.


I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.


She fainted.” 

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On 5/8/2020 at 4:52 PM, chikin23 said:

From my 8 year old:

Why are orphans bad at baseball?

They can't make it home.

Lulz.  My dumb ass got a little tipsy and told this joke last week at our extended family Google Hangout/Trivia/reunion.  I then remembered that my SIL works for CPS as a child placement agent.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Just got back from Walmart...I've never been so rudely treated in my life. All I did was ask for toilet paper at the service desk, the woman behind the counter yelled at the top of her lungs

OH MY GOD, ARE YOU

SERIOUS... I

politely said there's no need to make a scene and shuffled back to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles...

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So, my neighbor Jones is out the other day and sidles over to tell me about the schnauzer puppy that his wife brought home.  He says the dog is okay but is kind of a pain in the butt because the dog has really hairy inner ears and is prone to getting ear infections.  The puppy has already had three, count 'em three, ear infections and the treatment at the vet is fairly expensive at $250 a pop.  It's either pay the $250 treatment at the vet or listen to the poor pup whine all night.  So, he ponies up the $250 and now he's tired of slinging cash at the vet to pay for his wife's dog and the dog's jacked-up hairy inner ears and infections.

Jones corners the vet one recent day and says "hey, uh, my wife is going to bankrupt me with this mutt.  Is there some other way we can take care of this schnauzer's hairy inner ears and prevent the infections?  I need some sort of homespun remedy here."

Vet comes clean with Jones and says "sure,  you can go get a can of Nair and spray it into the dogs ears.  Just a little puff, don't douse the poor bastard with the stuff.  The hair will fall out and, presto, no more infections."  Well, Jones is all over this as now he's gonna save some cashish on this mutt.

So, he relays the good news to his old lady and she's okay with the plan, as well.  As a matter of fact, she's soon going to the drug store and she'll pick up a can so they can have it at the ready for when the schnauzer get's all hairy-eared and stop the process short of infection.

Later that day, Jones' wife throws a can of Nair in her basket down at the local Walgreen's and bellies up to the cash register and ready to check out.  The clerk is scanning the merchandise and comes across the can of Nair. 

The clerk warns Jones' wife "be careful with this stuff if you use it on your legs....you have to wait a few days after application or you'll get a bad sunburn."

Jones' wifer counters "I'm not using it on my legs."

"OK, then, just be sure to not wear deordant for the first few times if you use it on you armpits," says the cashier to Jones' wife. "It can really be irritating for a while until your skin gets used to it."

Jones' wife counters, "I'm not using it on my armpits."

"Oh," the cashier says.  "Well, then wait a day or two if you use it on your arms or any other part of exposed skin.  It can really cause you problems if you go right out into the sun."

Jones' wife rolls here eyes and says "I'm not using it anywhere that would be exposed to the sun or on my armpits!  I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The clerk replies, "oh, dear!  You won't be able to ride a bike for at least two weeks."

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A man goes into the doctor complaining that he is losing his vision.

The doctor walks in and says “Well, I hear you are having problems with your vision.  First thing, I recommend you stop masturbating.”

The man looks confused.  “No way - that old wives tale can’t be true!”

The doctor responds: “It isn’t.  But I need you to stop so that I can start my examination.”

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Husband tells the doctor that his wife is going deaf but that she refuses to see a doctor about it. Doctor tells him to go home and try out a strategy to see how bad her hearing is. 

Husband goes home and sees his wife doing the dishes, with her back to him. He stands 10 feet behind her and says, "Honey, any plans tonight?" No response from the wife. 

Husband moves 5 feet closer. "Honey, any plans tonight?" No response. 

Husband moves a couple feet closer, right behind her. "Honey, any plans tonight?" The wife whips around and yells, "Dammit, for the third time, we're going to the Robinsons' house for dinner!"

Edited by honolulu horn
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Guy walks into the doctor with a black eye. Doctor asks what happened. Guy says, "Well, I was in church when we all got up to sing the first hymn. There was a woman in the pew in front of me, and when she stood up her dress was caught in her butt crack. It looked uncomfortable so I reached over and pulled it out of there."

Next week, guy comes back to the same doctor with a black eye in his other eye. Doctor asks what happened this time. Guy says, "Well, there I was at church again. Wouldn't you know the same lady was seated in front of me again. So sure enough we get up to sing the first hymn. But this time her dress was nice and smooth, no problems." 

Doctor asks, "So what went wrong?"

Guy says, "Well, I knew from last week she didn't like it that way, so I pushed it back in there." 

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10 hours ago, honolulu horn said:

Husband tells the doctor that his wife is going deaf but that she refuses to see a doctor about it. Doctor tells him to go home and try out a strategy to see how bad her hearing is. 

Husband goes home and sees his wife doing the dishes, with her back to him. He stands 10 feet behind her and says, "Honey, any plans tonight?" No response from the wife. 

Husband moves 5 feet closer. "Honey, any plans tonight?" No response. 

Husband moves a couple feet closer, right behind her. "Honey, any plans tonight?" The wife whips around and yells, "Dammit, for the third time, we're going to the Robinsons' house for dinner!"

Well that hits close to home.

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20 hours ago, honolulu horn said:

Husband tells the doctor that his wife is going deaf but that she refuses to see a doctor about it. Doctor tells him to go home and try out a strategy to see how bad her hearing is. 

Husband goes home and sees his wife doing the dishes, with her back to him. He stands 10 feet behind her and says, "Honey, any plans tonight?" No response from the wife. 

Husband moves 5 feet closer. "Honey, any plans tonight?" No response. 

Husband moves a couple feet closer, right behind her. "Honey, any plans tonight?" The wife whips around and yells, "Dammit, for the third time, we're going to the Robinsons' house for dinner!"

I haven't heard a funny joke in years

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A man and a woman meet in an elevator. “Where are you heading today?” the man asks.

“I’m going down to give blood.”

“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”

“About $20.”

“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100.” The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

“Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?”

“Sperm bank,” she says with her mouth full.

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