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How to get laid, according to the Hallmark Movie Channel


Burnt Orange in OC

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I'm usually good for 2, maybe, 3 Hallmark Christmas movies a season. They scratch an itch, I have to admit.
They're actually great to fall to sleep to. Or I should say when my wife is watching one I'm usually dead asleep within 10 minutes.

Turn tje sound down, look at the snow, lights, roaring fires, etc. Works like a charm.
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How about a hallmark movie sort of like that japanese town populated with puppets but only real dolls instead. During christmas people come to visit and laugh others admire the creep for keeping the village alive. Some campers come and house squat. A few of them rearrange the dolls to be sexually suggestive. And then some of the dolls start showing evidence of violence. You think it is the crazy dude that put them there. The violence increases, including some dismemberments of the dolls. Shenanigans. And then you learn it is one of the campers when they arrest him. The doll man adds some more real doll characters (of the campers) to the village and starts hurting them.

Maybe it turns out that all of the dolls are serial killers or victims of serial killers. If we want to get more weird.

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14 minutes ago, longhornmatt said:

The Hallmark serial killer lady needs to have some absurdly petty motivation.   Like she’s murdering people who don’t put up Christmas decorations and therefore “ruin” the town’s holiday aesthetic.   Or she kills the parents of all the kids who won school awards instead of her kid.  “Let’s see if you get perfect attendance at your funeral, bitch!”

image.jpeg.6ad4dce6ae1214bc17d67abc2f6358c1.jpegimage.jpeg.eeb5a1e9f6a5dfd9173b5adc3a5e89f5.jpeg

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^
I like those subplots, but there has to be a romantic angle to it.  It can't just be serial murder for murder's sake.  That's the Ann Jillian/Meredith Baxter Burney channel.  I think we need one where the romantic male lead needs to be the killer to set the table.  Then all the rest, the female lead can be the murderer in a kinda M. Night twist...is he killing the bad dates around town or is she just thinning out the competition herself???  I'll never tell, bwahahahaha

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The Hallmark serial killer lady needs to have some absurdly petty motivation.   Like she’s murdering people who don’t put up Christmas decorations and therefore “ruin” the town’s holiday aesthetic.   Or she kills the parents of all the kids who won school awards instead of her kid.  “Let’s see if you get perfect attendance at your funeral, bitch!”

She murders her way to the HOA. Abd makes everyone buy fancy wreaths for their front door. Cheap amazon wreaths will get you hurt or killed.
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19 hours ago, jimmyjazz said:

My wife is wholly focused on murder shows, typically ID Channel murder shows.

I'm glad I'm not as well-versed in the Hallmark Channel as y'all, but I still think I'm fucked.  

My wife likes both and recently discovered that YouTubeTV picked up Hallmark a while back.

This is why I have a separate TV room for myself.

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11 hours ago, longhornmatt said:

The Hallmark serial killer lady needs to have some absurdly petty motivation.   Like she’s murdering people who don’t put up Christmas decorations and therefore “ruin” the town’s holiday aesthetic.   Or she kills the parents of all the kids who won school awards instead of her kid.  “Let’s see if you get perfect attendance at your funeral, bitch!”

Hot Fuzz Greater Good GIF - Hot Fuzz Greater Good Evil - Discover & Share  GIFs

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20 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Y’all motherfuckers need Jesus. 

No, I need better hair, a seaplane, a dog, and a closeted but obviously gay friend with an antibellum mansion with a crazy grandfather that blows up anvils.

So I can fuck Reese Witherspoon.

Edited by BearSchlong
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13 hours ago, Aqua Buddha said:

Getting laid on network TV:

1.  Go work in a hospital

2.  Stay hydrated.

3.  Let the Fuckfest Olympics commence.

OK, I've got a $mmmm idea.  Anyone got Taylor Sheridan's number?

I can already feel the suspense in my vagina. It's Gray's anatomy, but instead of killing patients with sub-par surgical care and awful background music and because they are too busy having emotional and hormonal breakdowns and crying fits and fucking around on each other, they still do all that stuff but the plot twist is one of them is a serial killer - but nobody can figure out who.

 

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23 hours ago, henrygandorf said:

seems like several of you are in the same boat i'm in.  the wife loves hallmark movies, just like her sister and her mother.  which is weird because my sister and mother do not care for them at all.

sometimes she'll put one on from 2018 or something and after about 10 minutes while i'm playing on my phone i'll be like, "i've fucking seen this one."  happen to anyone else?  i know these movies seem like they're all the same but sometimes they actually are the same.

sidenote - there is some new channel called gac that is not available everywhere (we do not get it).  my wife (through work stuff) knows several of the mid-level hallmark type stars like danica mckellar (we've gone on a double date with them) and apparently danica and others are pushing people really hard to call their providers and complain about not getting it.

i like calling companies and complaining about shit, but this is a bridge too far.  i'm not that good an actor.

You can't just gloss over this fact. Please tell me some sort of Winnie Cooper fantasy was fulfilled.

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"That's not flour on her cheek."

-Hallmark...After Dark

---OR---

"It is flour, but it's not on the cheeks you're thinking of..."

-Hallmark...After Dark

I dunno, we're workshopping it.  Blame it on Hornbeliever, he's the one that injected "Step" into the conversation.  Shit, now that I think about it...it's about a dead heat between which network---Hallmark or Pornhub---has the most videos with "step" in the description. 

 

 

 

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25 minutes ago, Lobo said:

"That's not flour on her cheek."

-Hallmark...After Dark

---OR---

"It is flour, but it's not on the cheeks you're thinking of..."

-Hallmark...After Dark

I dunno, we're workshopping it.  Blame it on Hornbeliever, he's the one that injected "Step" into the conversation.  Shit, now that I think about it...it's about a dead heat between which network---Hallmark or Pornhub---has the most videos with "step" in the description. 

 

 

 

There's something a lot like this posted within the last week or so in the NSFW LOL thread. 

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Holly, jolly, hit man.

Just finished his last hit and goes to some random small town during the holiday to clear his head and lay low. After a random encounter, town busy body (Holly?) falls for his rugged looks/standoffish demeanor and wants to be the one to fix him. He eventually falls too and thinks it's time to put the old life away and settle down. Something from his past catches up to him and he has to do one last hit....and it is her.

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Holly, jolly, hit man.
Just finished his last hit and goes to some random small town during the holiday to clear his head and lay low. After a random encounter, town busy body (Holly?) falls for his rugged looks/standoffish demeanor and wants to be the one to fix him. He eventually falls too and thinks it's time to put the old life away and settle down. Something from his past catches up to him and he has to do one last hit....and it is her.

And next season we do the same thing only with a gender reversal.
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15 hours ago, millhouse said:

Holly, jolly, hit man.

Just finished his last hit and goes to some random small town during the holiday to clear his head and lay low. After a random encounter, town busy body (Holly?) falls for his rugged looks/standoffish demeanor and wants to be the one to fix him. He eventually falls too and thinks it's time to put the old life away and settle down. Something from his past catches up to him and he has to do one last hit....and it is her.

i don't hate this.

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15 hours ago, millhouse said:

Holly, jolly, hit man.

Just finished his last hit and goes to some random small town during the holiday to clear his head and lay low. After a random encounter, town busy body (Holly?) falls for his rugged looks/standoffish demeanor and wants to be the one to fix him. He eventually falls too and thinks it's time to put the old life away and settle down. Something from his past catches up to him and he has to do one last hit....and it is her.

Fairly close to this movie. 

 

images-1.jpg

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15 hours ago, millhouse said:

Holly, jolly, hit man.

Just finished his last hit and goes to some random small town during the holiday to clear his head and lay low. After a random encounter, town busy body (Holly?) falls for his rugged looks/standoffish demeanor and wants to be the one to fix him. He eventually falls too and thinks it's time to put the old life away and settle down. Something from his past catches up to him and he has to do one last hit....and it is her.

 

SeAc.gif

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3 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

You could do a Christmas themed my blue heaven too. Maybe the guy gets found because his house wins the town lighting contest and his pic gets put in the local paper’s online page. 

or combine the 2 ideas - two criminals laying low in the same hallmark-y christmas town…until they discover each other and all hell breaks loose. 

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40 minutes ago, henrygandorf said:

or combine the 2 ideas - two criminals laying low in the same hallmark-y christmas town…until they discover each other and all hell breaks loose. 

Ooooooh. One witness relocation and has settled into small town life.  Girl’s car breaks down while passing through. They hit it off, fall in love. She posts a pic to social media of them unbeknownst to him, and her cousin recognizes him and his crew heads out to kill him.  But he sees the pic on her phone with a reply from the cousin, sees his name and is ready for them. 

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How many of these hallmark Christmas movies have they made about someone going back to their home town to buy a hotel, cabin, b&b or inn for their corporate employer and falling in love and moving back home?   I swear everyone I’ve turned on in the last four years has had this same theme.  Are they running short on writers with new ideas?  

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If you're gonna make this, you have to play it straight for the first act. Second act hints start dropping that something isn't as it seems. Third act is a full on bloodbath. But there can't be any hint of the third act in any of the promotional materials. The title has to be a generic hallmark movie type title. You gotta suck the ladies in with what they think is a generic hallmark Christmas movie and then drop a few gallons of blood on them.

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On 11/18/2021 at 10:00 AM, Kennythetiger said:

You dipshits sure know a lot about Hallmark movies. 

Some people have foxnews on24/7.  Not at Casa del Slorcho. It’s average looking peoplewith impossibly good luck all day every day.

All things considered, IDGAF; but I have been forbidden from ad-libbing commentary and turning Hallmark Channel into Surly TV. 

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11 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

If you're gonna make this, you have to play it straight for the first act. Second act hints start dropping that something isn't as it seems. Third act is a full on bloodbath. But there can't be any hint of the third act in any of the promotional materials. The title has to be a generic hallmark movie type title. You gotta suck the ladies in with what they think is a generic hallmark Christmas movie and then drop a few gallons of blood on them.

Season 3 Episode 304 GIF by Rick and Morty

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