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What’s the right amount to spend on an engagement ring these days?


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2 minutes ago, I Plead Da Fif said:

Luckily she said she doesn’t want a fancy wedding. Something like in a backyard or a park (re: little to no facilities cost.) I’m a really good cook and could make a lot of finger foods and we maybe just cater dinner. She has friends that are DJs in Denver that are looking for resume builders and can be had on the cheap. She’s very reasonable.

Honestly ... Gals like that are keepers and I say that because we didn't have a fancy wedding and we are celebrating our 25th in a few months and having a gal like that by your side  when you have to make other financial or critical decisions pays off big time.  First, we were fairly limited in our income as I was finishing my undergrad and she had barely entered the job market.   And second SHE just didn't see the value in all the bells and whistles that go with ceremonies and all that, so she insisted on doing it as economical as possible, so we had a small church wedding and a reception and we were done.  No big dinner, dance and all that jazz and the thousands of dollars of bills to go along with it.   I bet if the wedding industry would have been what it is today back, she would have rented her wedding dress.   

Best wishes to you!

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11 hours ago, Patricio Swayze said:

The premise of an engagement ring is stupid. Perpetuating the custom is equally stupid.

Wife didn’t care either way. Had a custom one done that she loves.  I don’t wear one.  Her dad from Slovakia never did.  My old man wears more of a biker looking gold ring.  No band.  

Still get my 6-8 guys trips a year.  Happy wife, happy life.  

I laugh at guys who break themselves getting the biggest rock possible.  I got her a nice one but I was doing just ‘ok’ at the time.  She would stab me if I got her a big gaudy one now just because we can easily afford it.  

OP you’re in trouble if you’re already feeling like you need to fend off other guys.  That’s not on the other guys - that’s on your girl.  She either is the type that will stray or isn’t.  A bigger rock will only delay the inevitable if she is that type.

 

Edit:  read more, she seems perfect.  Don’t sweat the ring.   

Edited by ChiTownDoc
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29 minutes ago, I Plead Da Fif said:

Luckily she said she doesn’t want a fancy wedding. Something like in a backyard or a park (re: little to no facilities cost.) I’m a really good cook and could make a lot of finger foods and we maybe just cater dinner. She has friends that are DJs in Denver that are looking for resume builders and can be had on the cheap. She’s very reasonable.

That is great. Having a wife who appreciates the value of a dollar is crucial to growing wealth through the years. Besides the wedding that I did not get cash for my wife is way better at not spending money then I am. Because of her, I am Surly 1%. 

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Posed this question to wife of 26 years, who received no engagement ring then mostly because I was deadass broke.

”I can think of a lot of things I would rather have for $10k or $5k.”

I replied, “ What about when you were 20?”

”Yeah, I would have wanted the ring.”

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1 hour ago, I Plead Da Fif said:

And that is the reaction I’m hoping to get by some people. She’s a knockout, if anyone is going to be rocking a good sized diamond, she’s one of them.

Yeah...no.

You need to drop this mindset of having a huge diamond will cause men to back off.  No diamond has ever been large enough to cause men to pause; those that are gonna hit on your woman don't give a shit about how many carats are dripping off her.  Second; if she has seen a 2 carat on her hand, and 1.9 might not be enough to please her, then that's a red flag to me. 

 

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19 minutes ago, Francisco 2.0 said:

Yeah...no.

You need to drop this mindset of having a huge diamond will cause men to back off.  No diamond has ever been large enough to cause men to pause; those that are gonna hit on your woman don't give a shit about how many carats are dripping off her.  Second; if she has seen a 2 carat on her hand, and 1.9 might not be enough to please her, then that's a red flag to me. 

 

Yeah the big ring is a giant fuck me sign to guys who can easily afford a bigger one.  Lol

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15 minutes ago, Francisco 2.0 said:

Yeah...no.

You need to drop this mindset of having a huge diamond will cause men to back off.  No diamond has ever been large enough to cause men to pause; those that are gonna hit on your woman don't give a shit about how many carats are dripping off her.  Second; if she has seen a 2 carat on her hand, and 1.9 might not be enough to please her, then that's a red flag to me. 

 

Never said the latter to be the case. In fact I said she’s reasonable and logical when I clearly communicate facts. With all of the ways she’s been reasonable and cost conscious, I’m happy to get her a large diamond.

For context, she started her own fashion thrifting business on PoshMark. She sold all of her designer shit she got from idiots throwing money at her. She goes to buy clothes by the pound for a dollar each, and ends up selling them for anywhere between 15-60 profit. This is in addition to her day job. All of this also quells her want to shop for clothes. Now she’s shopping for profit and I don’t have to pay a single cent for any of her clothes because she’s keeping the fashionable thrifty clothes for herself or buying them used off of PoshMark with her own money that she made.

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1 hour ago, I Plead Da Fif said:

I agree with her that something that looks big on her finger is something a girl like her deserves. She used to date 40 year old men that were millionaires.

What a healthy way to approach a marriage.  Buying the most reasonably-expensive (but absolutely useless) stone so no one else will pilfer her away from you

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5 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

What a healthy way to approach a marriage.  Buying the most reasonably-expensive (but absolutely useless) stone so no one else will pilfer her away from you

If you’re right I’ll happily eat crow. We’ve spent every day together in the past year and a three quarters. I’d rather take a leap of faith with someone who has routinely shown how much she cares about me and our future, and has grown tremendously in terms of selflessness and thoughtfulness in the time we’ve been together. The alternative is me being alone, bitter, and treating women like transactions. I prefer to see the good in the world at this point in my life.

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I'm not planning on doing the whole big church wedding bullshit. She still doesn't know that I am going to propose, but I'm pretty sure she is of the same mindset. I've been married before, so been there done that...she hasn't, but I think she would much rather spend that money on a trip somewhere instead of a big wedding.

And IPDF, I understand what you're saying. The ring isn't supposed to be a barrier to keep other guys away. It's more of symbol of how much she means to you. Some may disagree, but the way I see it is it's only money. So why should I skimp on her? I can't wait to see her face when I ask her and give her this ring. If I had it now, I would take her on that hiking trail today.

Good luck on your pending engagement, and I hope you have many years of happiness together. 

Edited by immortal13
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If you’re right I’ll happily eat crow. We’ve spent every day together in the past year and a three quarters. I’d rather take a leap of faith with someone who has routinely shown how much she cares about me and our future, and has grown tremendously in terms of selflessness and thoughtfulness in the time we’ve been together. The alternative is me being alone, bitter, and treating women like transactions. I prefer to see the good in the world at this point in my life.

Just curious, how old are you?
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Lot of interesting (bad) advice in this thread. Rings are something women with talk about / compare to for many years. There are some that really don’t care but I’m willing to bet the minority. Don’t kill yourself financially but get a nice ring for her if she appreciates that. You have plenty of time to make more money... don’t sweat paying a few months salary on something she will wear a lifetime.


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just as a counterbalance, and one that isn't dismissive of the desire from either you or her to get a big shiny ring on her finger, the wedding itself, the honeymoon, and more so a house are things that I think are fairly legitimate costs to balance against what you might spend on a ring.  I think it sounds like you know what you and she want on the ring, and that's good and fine.

We just got married, I'd say that I was definitely in the camp (re the wedding itself) of "this is stupid, we should just invite people to the Salt Lick or something and do the whole thing for a couple thousand dollars".  We ended up spending $50k, biggest items were a band and a ton of floral (but also plated dinner, full bar, planner/day of coordinator, not a huge guest list ended up being 100 people in attendance) and I don't regret it.  It was important to her and it was a beautiful, highly memorable night.  Floral I think is the thing that is easy to freak out about the expense but then realize its value at the event.

A trip to southern Spain that was a lot of hiking was a good choice for honeymoon - beautiful, good food, not expensive.

this is mostly unsolicited advise rambling about a thing I just went through, I think if you already talked to her about the size of the rock then it's too late to deviate, and if it's important to her and you're confident that she's the one, spend the money. the main thing I'm maybe trying to advise is balance in all things, given my recent experience I'd urge you to not make the event itself an afterthought.

AWP-272.jpg

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2 hours ago, ChiTownDoc said:

Wife didn’t care either way. Had a custom one done that she loves.  I don’t wear one.  Her dad from Slovakia never did.  My old man wears more of a biker looking gold ring.  No band.  

Still get my 6-8 guys trips a year.  Happy wife, happy life.  

I laugh at guys who break themselves getting the biggest rock possible.  I got her a nice one but I was doing just ‘ok’ at the time.  She would stab me if I got her a big gaudy one now just because we can easily afford it.  

OP you’re in trouble if you’re already feeling like you need to fend off other guys.  That’s not on the other guys - that’s on your girl.  She either is the type that will stray or isn’t.  A bigger rock will only delay the inevitable if she is that type.

 

Edit:  read more, she seems perfect.  Don’t sweat the ring.   

The big gaudy ring just ends up in the safe because she's afraid to wear it.  Or, even better, I know someone who had a replica of the big, gaudy ring made (in CZ) because she was afraid to wear the real one in public.  Talk about defeating the purpose...

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Some food for thought.

And maybe my thinking is old school but a wedding /engagement band is a wedding/engagement band. If y’all both like it then who cares what others think. If I’m an ahole trolling for a married woman, I wouldn’t care what size rock is on the hand.

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15 minutes ago, Patricio Swayze said:

I can not fathom spending $50k on a wedding.

I would rather put that money towards a trip and a down payment in a house.

This

 

and as for it being memorable, guess what, she’s gonna remember it either way.

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I can not fathom spending $50k on a wedding.

I would rather put that money towards a trip and a down payment in a house.


I would absolutely prioritize a house over a wedding, and wouldn’t do a big wedding without the trip. And for all the talk about rings to ward other guys off, (and this is a dark path to think through logically), stability has its own value.
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I spent about $1,100 on the ring, which I know is very cheap.  It was an old ring made a hundred years or so ago and my wife is really into retro rings so it worked out well for us.  We had just bought a house at the time and we both valued other things ahead of the ring.  If my wife had pressed for the traditional engagement ring, however, we probably would have gone that direction.  I don't think there's a "right" way but my advice would be don't give in to the social pressure without at least having an open conversation about finances, goals and where the ring fits in.

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55 minutes ago, Patricio Swayze said:


Just curious, how old are you?

Already said up thread, but I’m 32 and she’s 29. I’ve been in more longer term relationships than her, including deciding to leave a girl that I started dating in college that I was with for 4 years, because I just knew I hadn’t met the one yet where I felt certain. With that said, I think she’s dated a lot of what she doesn’t want too. She tells me no one treats her better than me, and she feels so incredibly loved. I’m not dropping any kind of money really to accomplish this (we share rent, me 2/3rds bc I make 3 times her salary), but things like starting her work days with making her pour over coffee, listening, doing little sweet things for her, eating her ass better than any man has before, etc.

Another positive going for her, her parents are still married, even though they’ve had their problems, in part due to the more traditional culture they come from. She’s born in Mexico, and comes from a more simple upbringing. No one on her side of the family will be putting pressure on us for anything extravagant as far as a wedding is concerned. She just wants all of her family to be present, based on everything she’s communicated.

I feel like based on my dating experience, I’ll never be more sure.

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Lot of interesting (bad) advice in this thread. Rings are something women with talk about / compare to for many years. There are some that really don’t care but I’m willing to bet the minority. Don’t kill yourself financially but get a nice ring for her if she appreciates that. You have plenty of time to make more money... don’t sweat paying a few months salary on something she will wear a lifetime.


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Well, statistically only about half of them will wear it for a lifetime.
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The oft-repeated guideline of 3x of monthly is a distinctively American custom.

It might be Anglo, but articles on ring pricing from other cultures in other languages do reference that as a "US" thing.  Their own customs are usually 0.5x to 1.0x.  And it's not aways diamonds.  It could also be gemstones that can have personal significance such as birthstone, or something inherited from family line, etc.

I mean, when in Rome, you gotta do like the Romans do.  But sucks the Romans got fucking duped by DeBeers

 

 

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The money thing is all in what you make/have.  One person 50k is not another’s.  Also the 2-3 month rule makes sense to some, not to others.  You’ve probably already overthought this but without being in your shoes it’s hard to give great advice.  If you make 100k and really want to, drop 10 imo. 

I base that on you making 3x what she does.  Assuming she’s not much under 30k.  

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1 minute ago, ChiTownDoc said:

The money thing is all in what you make/have.  One person 50k is not another’s.  Also the 2-3 month rule makes sense to some, not to others.  You’ve probably already overthought this but without being in your shoes it’s hard to give great advice.  If you make 100k and really want to, drop 10 imo. 

I base that on you making 3x what she does.  Assuming she’s not much under 30k.  

So I guess I'm not totally crazy in my initial thinking of budget for this. I make 130K a year, and 10% of that is right about what I planned on spending.

I really appreciate everyone's input, including those that have had bad marriages and came to shit on my thread of positivity toward love and marriage. I hear you. To each his own. My parents divorced and re-married, so I waited until I felt like I knew exactly what I wanted and mature enough for myself to feel confident in making a life changing decision like marriage.

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4 minutes ago, I Plead Da Fif said:

So I guess I'm not totally crazy in my initial thinking of budget for this. I make 130K a year, and 10% of that is right about what I planned on spending.

I really appreciate everyone's input, including those that have had bad marriages and came to shit on my thread of positivity toward love and marriage. I hear you. To each his own. My parents divorced and re-married, so I waited until I felt like I knew exactly what I wanted and mature enough for myself to feel confident in making a life changing decision like marriage.

There you go.  Get after it.  

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8 hours ago, I Plead Da Fif said:

Her and I discussed this and looked at a lot of different rings and rocks. She said she’d be really happy with a 2 carat after seeing how big it looks on her small hands, and I think that’s reasonable given 1) my salary, 2) shes a really good person, really sweet and loyal to me from the beginning, and 3) the hottest woman I’ve ever gotten to date me (will be 2 years this June). I told her it’s all about surface area, and if I can get a 1.9 carat for 2K less, with the same surface area on the finger, no one will know the difference. I don’t think she’s completely sold on that fact, but is logical and reasonable when I clearly communicate facts to her.

This reads like a troll post.  I spent 15k iirc.     Friends all used a small town dude for waaaaaaaaaaaaay less money and now 5 years later literally not one person either gaf or could tell the difference.  

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Got married really young and the ring + wedding were probably under $8k total. We were the first among any of our friends to take that plunge so there was nothing to live up to. I’ve gradually watched friends and family spend waaay more than that on rings and weddings and I’m so glad we’re not in that game of trying to outdo our peers with more and more extravagance. I’ve unfortunately seen some of those same marriages fail during that time, whereas our humble start is going solid in year 14.

 

I’m not against extravagant things by any means and I’ve even considered upgrading her ring at some point. If you can spend $14k comfortably and you want her to have a particular ring at that price point, then have at it.

 

Just keep in mind a couple of things:

 

1. Money is one of the leading things that couples fight about and it eventually leads to divorce. Don’t be the couple that overspends up front but then lives paycheck to paycheck and ends up miserable because of poor finances.

 

2. If you’re thinking a 2 carat ring, or any size carat for that matter, will somehow keep interested men away, you are sorely mistaken. Drop that mentality immediately. In fact, when I see a girl with a huge ring and a designer bag and a brand new Range Rover, my impression is that she must have some dynamite pussy that some guy is spending tons of money on her. It could have the opposite effect of what you’re envisioning, making her even more attractive to certain types. There will always be guys with more money that could steal her away if ring size is all that’s keeping her locked down.

 

Buy the ring you want her to have and try not to fixate on dollars or carats so much. Good luck.

 

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Got married 50 years ago this July 12th. I was in the Air Force and didn't have two nickels to rub together. We went to Gibsons and bought two wedding bands. Mine was 8 dollars and hers was 12.  Spend your money on something more important than jewelry.  If the price of the ring bothers her find another woman.

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It sounds like you are afraid that you will lose her if you don't spend a lot of money on shit that doesn't matter.  The sooner you learn that experiences are more valuable than stuff, the happier you will be.  Get practical wedding bands, elope, and spend the money you saved on the trip of a lifetime...or put it toward a house.  The prize for putting up with you should be getting to spend the rest of her life with you, not some rock.  Congrats, I guess. 

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I may have over cooked the “keep men away part”. It was a stupid take on my part. Shes really happy and excited about our future and agrees that moving to Austin to get a way cheaper house is the way to go.

We talked and she’s excited about getting a lab grown one instead and putting the rest toward a house down payment. In all I won’t be spending more than 10K. 

She also informed me about “madrinas” and “padrinos” in Mexican weddings, where basically her uncles and aunts are going to pay for alcohol and her dress. She mentioned spending even 10K on a wedding would be stupid.

I have a keeper.

Edited by I Plead Da Fif
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On 4/20/2019 at 12:01 PM, Kilgorehorn said:

Got married 50 years ago this July 12th. I was in the Air Force and didn't have two nickels to rub together. We went to Gibsons and bought two wedding bands. Mine was 8 dollars and hers was 12.  Spend your money on something more important than jewelry.  If the price of the ring bothers her find another woman.

Congratulations - I hope to be you one day (I will only be 8 years in June). 50 years is fucking awesome - I really hope we do that. 

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I may have over cooked the “keep men away part”. It was a stupid take on my part. Shes really happy and excited about our future and agrees that moving to Austin to get a way cheaper house is the way to go.
We talked and she’s excited about getting a lab grown one instead and putting the rest toward a house down payment. In all I won’t be spending more than 10K. 
She also informed me about “madrinas” and “padrinos” in Mexican weddings, where basically her uncles and aunts are going to pay for alcohol and her dress. She mentioned spending even 10K on a wedding would be stupid.
I have a keeper.

Padrinos are a fucking life saver
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