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DEAR ABBY ...and all other "Advice Columns"


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Advice columns can be helpful, they can be ridiculous, and they can be downright hilarious. I thought that there should be an all-encompassing thread.

This was in yesterday's Dallas Morning News (Wednesday, February 24th, 2021) and has to be one of the funniest things that I've ever read in any advice column... EVER!

IMG_7250.thumb.jpeg.6332afac9af1e20060db7d116e5ec415.jpeg

 

Mom... Dad... whatever you do, please, Please, PLEASE!!!!! DON'T THROW ME IN THE BRIAR PATCH!!

 

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Seems blatantly obvious, and obligatory here....
 
Dear Abby, dear Abby
My feet are too long
My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, won't you give me a call
Signed bewildered
 
Bewildered, bewildered
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Dear Abby, dear Abby
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive I'd wish I were dead
Signed unhappy
Unhappy, unhappy
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Dear Abby, dear Abby
Dear Abby, dear Abby
Dear Abby, dear Abby
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me it's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed noise-maker
Noise-maker, noise-maker
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Dear Abby, dear Abby
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed just married
Just married just married 
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Signed dear Abby

 

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3 hours ago, 52-80 said:

why they call her abby when her name is clearly jeanne philips?

Well even more clearly her birthname was Pauline Esther Friedman.
Her sister, Ann Landers, was Esther Pauline Friedman.

These are the kind of facts that will get you laid at parties.  Or not.

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5 hours ago, Napoleon said:

Advice columns can be helpful, they can be ridiculous, and they can be downright hilarious. I thought that there should be an all-encompassing thread.

This was in yesterday's Dallas Morning News (Wednesday, February 24th, 2021) and has to be one of the funniest things that I've ever read in any advice column... EVER!

IMG_7250.thumb.jpeg.6332afac9af1e20060db7d116e5ec415.jpeg

 

Mom... Dad... whatever you do, please, Please, PLEASE!!!!! DON'T THROW ME IN THE BRIAR PATCH!!

 

I went straight into my nephew's room, told him to pull his pants up, let go of his dick, and go outside and play!

I then looked through my brother's porn collection and took back all the stuff he had stolen from me when we were kids....plus a few other "high value" items.  I then stormed out!

Abby, what do you think?  

Also, my brother tends to get blackout drunk and my SIL drinks and gets really horny, so it is possible the kid is mine.  Does this change your answer?

-Surly McSurly in Texas

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Gustavo Arrellano, the "Ask a Mexican" guy, credits porn with saving his life and those of his friends. They were all little nerds in some gang-ridden stretch of SoCal and one of their dads got deported back to El Salvador, leaving behind a huge vault of quality late '80s VHS porn. So while they could have been out there getting preyed on and/or jumped into gangs, they were safe inside that dude's apartment wallowing in Jenna Jameson, Ginger Lynn and Christy Canyon.  

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37 minutes ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Gustavo Arrellano, the "Ask a Mexican" guy, credits porn with saving his life and those of his friends. They were all little nerds in some gang-ridden stretch of SoCal and one of their dads got deported back to El Salvador, leaving behind a huge vault of quality late '80s VHS porn. So while they could have been out there getting preyed on and/or jumped into gangs, they were safe inside that dude's apartment wallowing in Jenna Jameson, Ginger Lynn and Christy Canyon.  

All you need are these. You win some. You lose some, but you live:

Father ice cube craig jones GIF - Find on GIFER

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6 hours ago, Onboard 2.0 said:
Seems blatantly obvious, and obligatory here....
 
Dear Abby, dear Abby
My feet are too long
My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, won't you give me a call
Signed bewildered
 
Bewildered, bewildered
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Dear Abby, dear Abby
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive I'd wish I were dead
Signed unhappy
Unhappy, unhappy
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Dear Abby, dear Abby
Dear Abby, dear Abby
Dear Abby, dear Abby
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me it's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed noise-maker
Noise-maker, noise-maker
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Dear Abby, dear Abby
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed just married
Just married just married 
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Signed dear Abby

 

This is the correct response. RIP Prine 

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10 hours ago, Onboard 2.0 said:
Seems blatantly obvious, and obligatory here....
 
Dear Abby, dear Abby
My feet are too long
My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, won't you give me a call
Signed bewildered
 
Bewildered, bewildered
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Dear Abby, dear Abby
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive I'd wish I were dead
Signed unhappy
Unhappy, unhappy
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Dear Abby, dear Abby
Dear Abby, dear Abby
Dear Abby, dear Abby
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me it's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed noise-maker
Noise-maker, noise-maker
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Dear Abby, dear Abby
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed just married
Just married just married 
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
Signed dear Abby

 

You’re not a friend of the Surly Dark theme.

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