Jump to content
ROFL BOX

Shit My Kid Says

Recommended Posts

My 5 YO likes to ask me if I like to eat eyeballs (or boogers etc.). I always reply yes. Then she says “ewwww dad likes to eat eyeballs!”

 

Today at a restaurant, I’m talking to my wife and she asks the question, I’m not listening and say yes out of habit. Then at the top of her lungs she starts yelling “MY DAD LIKES TO EAT BUTTHOLES!!! HE LOVES TO EAT BUTTHOLES!!!”

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
My 5 YO likes to ask me if I like to eat eyeballs (or boogers etc.). I always reply yes. Then she says “ewwww dad likes to eat eyeballs!”
 
Today at a restaurant, I’m talking to my wife and she asks the question, I’m not listening and say yes out of habit. Then at the top of her lungs she starts yelling “MY DAD LIKES TO EAT BUTTHOLES!!! HE LOVES TO EAT BUTTHOLES!!!”
 
 
 
 
Username checks out?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LilBigD:  "Daddy, Mommy pees out of her butthole"

Me:  " No she doesn't"

LilBigD:  "Well, she doesn't have a penis so how does she pee?"

Me:  "Ask her."

Wife wasn't amused.   So I showed him this:

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Daughter to Wife: I have some Hershey kisses. I showed them to Dad and he said they were communist kisses. What does that mean?

Wife: Uh, I am not sure, maybe you should ask your dad.

Conversation may be ongoing tomorrow. 

hersheys-chocolate-hugs-126832-im1.jpg 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Aggy is talking to another aggy at the table next to myself and little homesick during the Tech/Florida baseball game.

Little Homesick: Dad, who are we cheering for?
Me: The sand aggies buddy.
Little Homesick: But I thought we never cheer for aggy.
Me: It’s just a joke bud. They’re not actually aggy.
Aggy 1 at the adjacent table: No. They’re nothing even close to us. Aggies are winners.
Aggy 2 (Referencing little homesick’s Longhorn cap): Your dad shouldn’t let you where that, they lost to Arkansas.
Little Homesick to aggy 2: When do the aggies play?
(7 or 8 people within earshot start laughing, with one Tech fan making an SEC quip)
Aggy 2: Just wait, Arky’s got this.
(More laughter)
Little Homesick: Dad, you played in the SEC right?
Me: Yeah bud.
Little Homesick (for the walk off): But you were OG SEC huh?






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two summers ago when my son was 3 we went to Sea World.  As we were walking up to the gate a family wearing burkas were walking in front of us. Son asks me...

"Daddy, why are there Jawas here?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Two summers ago when my son was 3 we went to Sea World.  As we were walking up to the gate a family wearing burkas were walking in front of us. Son asks me...
"Daddy, why are there Jawas here?"


At Disneyland today a lady in a burka fell out in front of teacups. My 5 YO asked what happened. My 11 YO said “she got too hot wearing a tent around.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Homesickhorn said:

Aggy is talking to another aggy at the table next to myself and little homesick during the Tech/Florida baseball game.

Little Homesick: Dad, who are we cheering for?
Me: The sand aggies buddy.
Little Homesick: But I thought we never cheer for aggy.
Me: It’s just a joke bud. They’re not actually aggy.
Aggy 1 at the adjacent table: No. They’re nothing even close to us. Aggies are winners.
Aggy 2 (Referencing little homesick’s Longhorn cap): Your dad shouldn’t let you where that, they lost to Arkansas.
Little Homesick to aggy 2: When do the aggies play?
(7 or 8 people within earshot start laughing, with one Tech fan making an SEC quip)
Aggy 2: Just wait, Arky’s got this.
(More laughter)
Little Homesick: Dad, you played in the SEC right?
Me: Yeah bud.
Little Homesick (for the walk off): But you were OG SEC huh?






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That is fucking fantastic!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Aggy is talking to another aggy at the table next to myself and little homesick during the Tech/Florida baseball game.

Little Homesick: Dad, who are we cheering for?
Me: The sand aggies buddy.
Little Homesick: But I thought we never cheer for aggy.
Me: It’s just a joke bud. They’re not actually aggy.
Aggy 1 at the adjacent table: No. They’re nothing even close to us. Aggies are winners.
Aggy 2 (Referencing little homesick’s Longhorn cap): Your dad shouldn’t let you where that, they lost to Arkansas.
Little Homesick to aggy 2: When do the aggies play?
(7 or 8 people within earshot start laughing, with one Tech fan making an SEC quip)
Aggy 2: Just wait, Arky’s got this.
(More laughter)
Little Homesick: Dad, you played in the SEC right?
Me: Yeah bud.
Little Homesick (for the walk off): But you were OG SEC huh?






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Wins the thread man.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not only is little Homesick surly material, but those two goober aggy are exactly what all aggy are like - shit talking to a kid.  jfc.  fucking pathetic shitdicks that are an embarrassment to the state.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Son's friend comes down to talk to my youngest son:
"Hey, if you want to come upstairs, we're playing hide and seek."

Me: "Wait. You're playing hide and seek... upstairs?"

"Yeah, we're playing on our ipads."


I have failed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Aggy is talking to another aggy at the table next to myself and little homesick during the Tech/Florida baseball game.

Little Homesick: Dad, who are we cheering for?
Me: The sand aggies buddy.
Little Homesick: But I thought we never cheer for aggy.
Me: It’s just a joke bud. They’re not actually aggy.
Aggy 1 at the adjacent table: No. They’re nothing even close to us. Aggies are winners.
Aggy 2 (Referencing little homesick’s Longhorn cap): Your dad shouldn’t let you where that, they lost to Arkansas.
Little Homesick to aggy 2: When do the aggies play?
(7 or 8 people within earshot start laughing, with one Tech fan making an SEC quip)
Aggy 2: Just wait, Arky’s got this.
(More laughter)
Little Homesick: Dad, you played in the SEC right?
Me: Yeah bud.
Little Homesick (for the walk off): But you were OG SEC huh?






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I am honored to say I have had this kid at my house.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I am honored to say I have had this kid at my house.

I’m honored to say that watching the look on his face when you launched him across the pool (per his own discretion), was fan-fucking-tastic.

 

*And I still owe you a TV.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My 3 yr old and I are chilling at the lake. He is sitting at the waters edge playing with the sand. He looks at me as says, "can you imagine if dirt was made of hotdogs, just imagine it"  

Yeah little man, that would be amazing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

At the pool and my kid says “lions are mammals.”

Me: Yep. They are.

“I’m a mammal”

Me: Yes you are. We all are.

“You’re not a mammal. You don’t have any hair. You’re bald. “



Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In the kitchen cooking dinner and the 5 yr old comes in and I ask him what he was doing:
“I’m getting my iPad fucker.”
Um, no you’re not. You’re getting a spanking.
2nd F bomb in the last 2 weeks.
Little asshole.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
In the kitchen cooking dinner and the 5 yr old comes in and I ask him what he was doing:
“I’m getting my iPad fucker.”
Um, no you’re not. You’re getting a spanking.
2nd F bomb in the last 2 weeks.
Little asshole.
My 5 yo has started calling his brothers asshole. Wife turns and tries to keep from laughing while I discipline. I do laugh about it later.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My 9 year old is verbally apraxic. Severe speech delay -- he is still learning to make intelligible words. On grade level for reading, writing, and 'rithmatic, though.

This evening, he was working on enunciation while doing his multiplication tables, and only those of us in the family could understand... Until he made a mistake. "God damnit" was clear as a bell. We were so proud.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My 2 yr old keeps yelling at his 4 yr old brother "GO TO YOUR ROOM!" It seriously sounds like an adult saying it.  The older one will get in trouble for something and be having a tantrum, but starts to giggle when the 2 yr old comes up and yells this and then tries to push him toward his room. 

4 yr old has so many gems I can't even list them. Best for this forum recently: "Charlie kicked me in my penis and it hurt really bad. Is there any bones in your penis?"

Highly recommend the app "QuoteMe Tots" - I keep track of all the really good ones in there, and it's hilarious to go back and look through them.

Edited by TenaciousTgarden

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just found out from friends that are still friends with my ex on Facebook (I’ve been blocked since the divorce began 4 years ago), that ex mshomesick is engaged.

I knew she was in Mexico, and thought this might be the case, but it would’ve been easier had there been a heads up. Apparently, she proposed.

Once I started fielding the millions of texts asking if I’d heard, I looked at little homesick, and brokered the news.

“Yay!” Was his response.

“As long as he makes your mom happy, and more importantly, as long as he makes you happy, then I’m happy buddy”.

“Dad, you’re the best dad ever. He’s always just gonna be an almost dad”.

 

Sorry, but I had a hard time keeping my allergies from kicking in when I actually thanked my 7yr old son for saying that unprovoked.

 

Here’s my hero.

 

113dd801774ca70c90ce29e7701a9cc6.jpg

 

 

This might’ve been better on the Dad thread.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/20/2018 at 11:02 PM, Homesickhorn said:

Aggy is talking to another aggy at the table next to myself and little homesick during the Tech/Florida baseball game.

Little Homesick: Dad, who are we cheering for?
Me: The sand aggies buddy.
Little Homesick: But I thought we never cheer for aggy.
Me: It’s just a joke bud. They’re not actually aggy.
Aggy 1 at the adjacent table: No. They’re nothing even close to us. Aggies are winners.
Aggy 2 (Referencing little homesick’s Longhorn cap): Your dad shouldn’t let you where that, they lost to Arkansas.
Little Homesick to aggy 2: When do the aggies play?
(7 or 8 people within earshot start laughing, with one Tech fan making an SEC quip)
Aggy 2: Just wait, Arky’s got this.
(More laughter)
Little Homesick: Dad, you played in the SEC right?
Me: Yeah bud.
Little Homesick (for the walk off): But you were OG SEC huh?






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Let Little Homesick know that not only did aggy not go anywhere for the baseball NCAA series, it's been quite awhile that aggy has bested Sand aggy in meat judging.

https://today.ttu.edu/posts/2017/11/meat-judging-national-championship

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
At the pool and my kid says “lions are mammals.”

Me: Yep. They are.

“I’m a mammal”

Me: Yes you are. We all are.

“You’re not a mammal. You don’t have any hair. You’re bald. “




Hahhahahaaahah....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Watching Mulan yesterday with my five year old:
Her: Dad he has bigger muscles than you.
Me: that’s ok, he’s a cartoon.
Her: And he’s not fat.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, EE2B said:

Watching Mulan yesterday with my five year old:
Her: Dad he has bigger muscles than you.
Me: that’s ok, he’s a cartoon.
Her: And he’s not fat.

Burn-Meme-2.png

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The wife was sick the other day and laid up in bed so me and 4yo daughter had the afternoon with just us.  Played board games, card games, made movie tickets, watched lion king while eating pizza and drinking sprite (her special just for movie drink) had an awesome night.  Get her ready for bed tuck her in we talk about how great the afternoon was and as I'm two steps out of her doorway I hear loudly whispered "Dad!"  I walk back in thinking she wants to tell me she loves me one more time. 

4yo: "I wish mom would have taken me to bed tonight.".....what an asshole

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, TexTexTex said:

The wife was sick the other day and laid up in bed so me and 4yo daughter had the afternoon with just us.  Played board games, card games, made movie tickets, watched lion king while eating pizza and drinking sprite (her special just for movie drink) had an awesome night.  Get her ready for bed tuck her in we talk about how great the afternoon was and as I'm two steps out of her doorway I hear loudly whispered "Dad!"  I walk back in thinking she wants to tell me she loves me one more time. 

4yo: "I wish mom would have taken me to bed tonight.".....what an asshole

LOL. Sounds familiar.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

you can say "please and thank you are the magic words a million times, but say ass face mother f...er just one time....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was told “I hate you” at least 7 times this evening by the hard headed / defiant 7 year old. I’m guessing he hates his new punishment.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The almost 2yo follows up her farts with "Oh, toots" which always gets a chuckle out of me.

Ours say Pooter McGee

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

At the restaurant last night. Wife and I ordered margaritas. 4.5-yr-old son wanted a taste but I told them they were grown-up drinks.

Waiter: Yeah, those are for Mom and Dad.

Son: How did you know their names?

Waiter: Lucky guess.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

At the in-laws a couple nights ago. A beer commercial comes on. 6 and 5 yr old girls start saying “Beer! Beer! Daddy loves beer!”
So I ask the 6 yr old to go ask mom when we’re leaving. Instead, she tells wife and MIL “Daddy needs to go home right now because he needs beer.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Phone call to me this AM while I'm @ a jobsite (I left the house before they woke up, Mom's @ work):

Monster, calling from landline @ house:  "Dad, where's the Xbox controller + my tablet & Roxette's tablet?"

Me:  "Once y'all rotate the dishes (put away from washer, reload), I'll tell you."

Monster:  "<click>"

 . . . . . . . . .

He never did call back; apparently some kind of YouTube notification went off on his tablet & they found the collection.  I'm gonna have to turn them off next time so even a call won't go through (using VOIP to the phone #'s on them).

Fuckers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Phone call to me this AM while I'm @ a jobsite (I left the house before they woke up, Mom's @ work):

Monster, calling from landline @ house:  "Dad, where's the Xbox controller + my tablet & Roxette's tablet?"

Me:  "Once y'all rotate the dishes (put away from washer, reload), I'll tell you."

Monster:  ""

 . . . . . . . . .

He never did call back; apparently some kind of YouTube notification went off on his tablet & they found the collection.  I'm gonna have to turn them off next time so even a call won't go through (using VOIP to the phone #'s on them).

Fuckers.
Change the Wifi password every morning before you leave. They get it when chores are done.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

With Google WiFi you can turn access off by device. It picks up every printer, thermostat, gaming device, watch, phone, tablet, laptop all of it and you can pause, set hours, etc. the parental controls are amazing but the over all WiFi management is just as good. All parents should have it.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

5 year old to my wife: “I’m not talking to you forever.”

Mrs Brown: “Forever is a long time. You may want to think about that.”

5YO: “Okay. I just won’t talk to you until you’re dead.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.




Football ... Basketball ... Baseball ... Other Sports ... Recruiting ... Gambling ... Movies & TV ... Music ... Hobbies ... Lulz ... Food & Travel ... Daily Texan ... Help ... For Sale ... Politics ... Board Discussion
×
×
  • Create New...