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Official 2021 Bitch about family/Holiday Insanity


GhostOfTomJoad

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9 hours ago, Lobo said:

Mmmmmm, a pot of hot, melted pimento.  That is beyond fucked up.  Not to pick on your family, there are so many other vulgar foods mentioned on this thread. 

Why does it seem like the hardest core "America is the Best" folks seem to royally fuck up the 2nd most American Holiday---Thanksgiving (after Independence Day)?

I'm actually looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner, my MIL is cooking and she does a wonderful, traditional spread.  But i know one of my sisters-in-law is gonna try and get cute and do something original on her own.  And we'll have to eat it and pretend it's awesome.  She can't help herself.  And she can't cook for shit. 

I could take the edge off a shitty side-dish if there was alcohol to drink, but alas...  They're not dry, they just don't like to spend the money on booze.  If somebody else is paying, they're all oenophiles.  But if I show up in Fort Worth with some wine, my wife will give me shit.  I don't understand where they think alcohol comes from when they see it outside of a store.  There's no booze fairies that just drop bottles off at random locations, I checked.  Somebody, somewhere, at some point---has to give money to the store in exchange for the hooch.  When they see it, and nobody asks for money, they drink it.  But if they find out someone they know paid for it, they get all weird about it and don't want it.  It's a strange system.  

drizzly.com  Make it anonymous if you have to.

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4 minutes ago, Spoosner said:

drizzly.com  Make it anonymous if you have to.

Oh I'm gonna get a pint of something or other on the way up there and just keep it in the truck.  And make a couple trips outside to "check the tire pressure" or whatever.  Super nice people, but couple of high drama SILs in the bunch and way too much political and religious talk for my taste from most everyone.  I don't talk about that shit in real life and I frequently work in politics.  

I am going to organize my own drinking game.  Each time my FIL or MIL says something to the effect of, "Well, if those people would just comply with police and not resist, there wouldn't be so dang many of 'em dead".....I go out to the truck and drink...I'll be fucked up the whole weekend.  

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Aren't pints the ones that are 375ml?  That's over 12 oz., no?  That's certainly enough to carry me through Thanksgiving Day proper.  I'd have to head out for reinforcements later in the weekend to be sure.  I need something discrete in the truck.  I don't think I can hide a massive box of wine or anything like that out there.  

Shit, I can probably fill up the windshield wiper fluid deal with booze and save room, right? 

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34 minutes ago, Lobo said:

Aren't pints the ones that are 375ml?  That's over 12 oz., no?  That's certainly enough to carry me through Thanksgiving Day proper.  I'd have to head out for reinforcements later in the weekend to be sure.  I need something discrete in the truck.  I don't think I can hide a massive box of wine or anything like that out there.  

Shit, I can probably fill up the windshield wiper fluid deal with booze and save room, right? 

Nah that's a tenth and it's a little over 12 oz. So 9 drinks proper basically. 

Pint is 16oz. If there's a common bottle sold between a 5th and 10th I missed it. 

More to your point - 10ths are easily concealable. I've snuck them into many different venues without issue. 

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1 hour ago, Lobo said:

 I need something discrete in the truck.  I don't think I can hide a massive box of wine or anything like that out there. 

McGuyver method:

Buy box of wine of whatever brand you prefer:

Reductress » 7 Gorgeous Wine Chillers You Can't Fit a Box ...

Go to NAPA or Sams and grab a box of these or something similar that you will eventually use:

 

Scott Rags In A Box NPP 75260 | Buy Online - NAPA Auto Parts

Carefully remove wine pouch and valve from wine box and place in empty rag box. Place in back of truck. Um, make sure it's in the bed of the pickup if you're driving later(?)

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2 hours ago, Lobo said:

Aren't pints the ones that are 375ml?  That's over 12 oz., no?  That's certainly enough to carry me through Thanksgiving Day proper.  I'd have to head out for reinforcements later in the weekend to be sure.  I need something discrete in the truck.  I don't think I can hide a massive box of wine or anything like that out there.  

Shit, I can probably fill up the windshield wiper fluid deal with booze and save room, right? 

Go high proof if you are going with a smaller bottle.

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1 hour ago, Mrs Whiggins said:

McGuyver method:

Buy box of wine of whatever brand you prefer:

Reductress » 7 Gorgeous Wine Chillers You Can't Fit a Box ...

Go to NAPA or Sams and grab a box of these or something similar that you will eventually use:

 

Scott Rags In A Box NPP 75260 | Buy Online - NAPA Auto Parts

Carefully remove wine pouch and valve from wine box and place in empty rag box. Place in back of truck. Um, make sure it's in the bed of the pickup if you're driving later(?)

Step 4: find an AA meeting. 

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Indeed.  As long as I don’t stink too badly.  
 

The crazy thing is I know they’ll  open up a token bottle of red for holiday feast.  And there’s nine adults.  I am of the opinion that you either open up enough bottles to give every adult at least one glass or you don’t open up anything.  The “oh jeez, we spent fourteen hours talking about yam recipes but this newfangled wine with Holiday dinners just caught us off guard” speech is coming.  
 

again, lovely people.  But they’ve just never understood proper meals deserve a proper drink 

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8 minutes ago, Lobo said:

Indeed.  As long as I don’t stink too badly.  
 

The crazy thing is I know they’ll  open up a token bottle of red for holiday feast.  And there’s nine adults.  I am of the opinion that you either open up enough bottles to give every adult at least one glass or you don’t open up anything.  The “oh jeez, we spent fourteen hours talking about yam recipes but this newfangled wine with Holiday dinners just caught us off guard” speech is coming.  
 

again, lovely people.  But they’ve just never understood proper meals deserve a proper drink 

The caught inbetween bit seems weird. It's one thing to be against it or not drink at all - it's another to tip toe around the issue and make it awkward for everyone involved. Like everyone's a 19 year old at a family gathering from a fairly prudent household wondering if they're allowed to have a glass of wine. 

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Dude, Lobo. Buy box of this wine. You can't go wrong with Pinot Noir or Red Blend, it is drinkable and goes okay with turkey, especially if it is smoked.

House Wine Red - 3L Box

 

Take it in the house. They will drink it and you will be a hero. You can say that you found it in a cart in the parking lot of the grocery store. Someone forgot to unload it from the bottom of the cart and pushed it to the cart corral where you found it. They'll drink the shit out of it.  This actually happened to me. I got two free bottles of shitty red and you can bet I drank that free shit up.

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34 minutes ago, burntorangebongos said:

Dude, Lobo. Buy box of this wine. You can't go wrong with Pinot Noir or Red Blend, it is drinkable and goes okay with turkey, especially if it is smoked.

House Wine Red - 3L Box

 

Take it in the house. They will drink it and you will be a hero. You can say that you found it in a cart in the parking lot of the grocery store. Someone forgot to unload it from the bottom of the cart and pushed it to the cart corral where you found it. They'll drink the shit out of it.  This actually happened to me. I got two free bottles of shitty red and you can bet I drank that free shit up.

Aka “headache in a box.”  Often mistaken for its first cousin, “headache in a bottle,” aka “MD 20/20,” or “Boone’s Farm.”

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17 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Two full days at the family ranch outside of Gonzales for T-giving. 17 people under one roof, including 7 kids between the ages of 3-16, one of whom is a 14 year old girl recently released from a mental hospital for being suicidal. Just found out that my BIL is bring his morbidly obese girlfriend -- the one who once drove around the ranch chasing him with a gun (allegedly) after she found out he was cheating on her. Normally, I would expect drunken fighting between my wife, her sister and their mother in some triangulation, but having the girlfriend out there introduces a new dynamic into the mix. It's going to be a shitshow either way. Not looking forward to this, at all. 

Don’t forget to grease the door so the morbidly obese bitch can fit through the door

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7 hours ago, KaiserSoze said:

I have to assume I'm actually the asshole/outlier in the holiday gathering equation, even though my limited family gathering is always fun during the holidays.

With the exception of our absentee mom faking some kind of outrage over a random benign comment having nothing to do with her, there's no drama... just my brothers and I (and their families) having fun. Oh well. Luckily we're all successful, and I'm by far the least responsible of us all (divorced with no kids), and even with an Emmy & a Peabody to my name I'm still considered the Black Sheep of the family (no room for creatives in this bunch).

Good times. I'll keep my appearance brief, but it'll be fun. After the Thanksgiving gathering I'm heading to West Texas for a week to enjoy some quiet time at the McDonald Observatory- Star Party during the Super New Moon- and some drunken debauchery in Alpine, Marathon, and Marfa. 

Looking forward to reading about more shitshows, and if there's a way I can contribute to the fucked up stories I promise to carry my weight and post something here. 

They're probably convinced you don't even exist...

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1 hour ago, OneOfTheOutOfFocusGuys said:

I’m on a family vacation in Colorado with my family, wife’s sisters family and mother in law. 
 

A pine marten (sort of like a ferret) comes up on the porch.  We are all oohing and watching it run around. Kids are all jostling to see it. Stays around for 5 minutes. Everyone thinks it is cool.  


I crack open the door for about 1 second to toss out some apple slices for him.  Immediate reaction from wife, MIL and SIL of “what!? Don’t do that! He might get in! He’s dangerous! Stop! What are you doing! He could attack us! Why did you do that!?” It goes on and on about how terrible feeding him was. Safety conscious water torture unending for an imagined set of ridiculous potential outcomes.

I crack. “Jesus Christ. It’s fine. Nothing happened. I was right there with my hand on the door. Nothing is getting in.” I was louder than I usually let myself be. Now everyone is mad at me for raising my voice. Wife is pissed. I’m supposed to apologize. No one feels any responsibility for the 5 minutes of berating for a non-event as the instigating factor.

 

Tone. It was your tone. 

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2 hours ago, OneOfTheOutOfFocusGuys said:

I’m on a family vacation in Colorado with my family, wife’s sisters family and mother in law. 
 

A pine marten (sort of like a ferret) comes up on the porch.  We are all oohing and watching it run around. Kids are all jostling to see it. Stays around for 5 minutes. Everyone thinks it is cool.  


I crack open the door for about 1 second to toss out some apple slices for him.  Immediate reaction from wife, MIL and SIL of “what!? Don’t do that! He might get in! He’s dangerous! Stop! What are you doing! He could attack us! Why did you do that!?” It goes on and on about how terrible feeding him was. Safety conscious water torture unending for an imagined set of ridiculous potential outcomes.

I crack. “Jesus Christ. It’s fine. Nothing happened. I was right there with my hand on the door. Nothing is getting in.” I was louder than I usually let myself be. Now everyone is mad at me for raising my voice. Wife is pissed. I’m supposed to apologize. No one feels any responsibility for the 5 minutes of berating for a non-event as the instigating factor.

 

Correct response for next time:  “You’re right, I’m sorry. Would you like a glass of wine?”

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21 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Two full days at the family ranch outside of Gonzales for T-giving. 17 people under one roof, including 7 kids between the ages of 3-16, one of whom is a 14 year old girl recently released from a mental hospital for being suicidal. Just found out that my BIL is bring his morbidly obese girlfriend -- the one who once drove around the ranch chasing him with a gun (allegedly) after she found out he was cheating on her. Normally, I would expect drunken fighting between my wife, her sister and their mother in some triangulation, but having the girlfriend out there introduces a new dynamic into the mix. It's going to be a shitshow either way. Not looking forward to this, at all. 

image.gif.dbf17d04d95e91dce6e8fe5dd6b77d3c.gif

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5 hours ago, Telegraph_it said:

Tone. It was your tone. 

[Guitar amp reference]  If he's anything like I am, he's like a 1950s Fender Champ.  No tone knob.  Just volume.  The more you raise the volume, the louder and nastier it gets.  But there's only one tone and it's set at the factory, even if it has drifted over time. [/Guitar amp reference]

Edited by dcbc
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54 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

My gay neice (1st cousin's daughter) who is a 3L law student is staying with us tonight ostensibly so she can avoid her mother for a bonus night, but also to hang with my daughter and because we're going to hear a band tonight

She came out last year to uber conservative parents and the worst comment was "you've ruined your career before it started, no law firm would hire a lesbian."

Ha. Yeah.
 

I've hired two lesbian attorneys over the years, one of whom is making more than everybody in our stories combined.  Tell her parents not to be ashamed that she's a lesbian, they should be ashamed she's gonna be a lawyer.  

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9 hours ago, OneOfTheOutOfFocusGuys said:

I’m on a family vacation in Colorado with my family, wife’s sisters family and mother in law. 
 

A pine marten (sort of like a ferret) comes up on the porch.  We are all oohing and watching it run around. Kids are all jostling to see it. Stays around for 5 minutes. Everyone thinks it is cool.  


I crack open the door for about 1 second to toss out some apple slices for him.  Immediate reaction from wife, MIL and SIL of “what!? Don’t do that! He might get in! He’s dangerous! Stop! What are you doing! He could attack us! Why did you do that!?” It goes on and on about how terrible feeding him was. Safety conscious water torture unending for an imagined set of ridiculous potential outcomes.

I crack. “Jesus Christ. It’s fine. Nothing happened. I was right there with my hand on the door. Nothing is getting in.” I was louder than I usually let myself be. Now everyone is mad at me for raising my voice. Wife is pissed. I’m supposed to apologize. No one feels any responsibility for the 5 minutes of berating for a non-event as the instigating factor.

 

 

Christmas Vacation.jpg

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To be fair, her side of the family got to a place of unconditional love and acceptance quickly, they are not assholes. Very good people. Just made some uninformed, antiquated comments, and she's the first lesbian in our large extended family, half of whom are lawyers.

Thoughts and prayers for OOTOOFG's family. Harrowing, those animals. I had a fistfight with a river otter a few hours ago in Louisiana. He had a wallet that said Bad Motherfucker.



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4 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

My gay neice (1st cousin's daughter) who is a 3L law student is staying with us tonight ostensibly so she can avoid her mother for a bonus night, but also to hang with my daughter and because we're going to hear a band tonight

She came out last year to uber conservative parents and the worst comment was "you've ruined your career before it started, no law firm would hire a lesbian."

Ha. Yeah.
 

Gotdam...i wouldn't even expect that one on  my side of the family, and we just started walking upright last week.

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Gotdam...i wouldn't even expect that one on  my side of the family, and we just started walking upright last week.
It was the initial reaction from 80 yr old "blueblood" grandma who was initially shocked that such a scandalous thing could occur in her DAR lineage.

She is the kinda lady who visits the "daily life" exhibits at Colonial Williamsburg, looks around and says "I can breathe, finally a sane society."

She is actually my favorite Aunt when not acting myopic, provincial, and parochial.
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5 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

My gay neice (1st cousin's daughter) who is a 3L law student is staying with us tonight ostensibly so she can avoid her mother for a bonus night, but also to hang with my daughter and because we're going to hear a band tonight

She came out last year to uber conservative parents and the worst comment was "you've ruined your career before it started, no law firm would hire a lesbian."

Ha. Yeah.
 

Full on lesbian or a switch hitter?  Asking for myself.

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13 hours ago, OneOfTheOutOfFocusGuys said:

I’m on a family vacation in Colorado with my family, wife’s sisters family and mother in law. 
 

A pine marten (sort of like a ferret) comes up on the porch.  We are all oohing and watching it run around. Kids are all jostling to see it. Stays around for 5 minutes. Everyone thinks it is cool.  


I crack open the door for about 1 second to toss out some apple slices for him.  Immediate reaction from wife, MIL and SIL of “what!? Don’t do that! He might get in! He’s dangerous! Stop! What are you doing! He could attack us! Why did you do that!?” It goes on and on about how terrible feeding him was. Safety conscious water torture unending for an imagined set of ridiculous potential outcomes.

I crack. “Jesus Christ. It’s fine. Nothing happened. I was right there with my hand on the door. Nothing is getting in.” I was louder than I usually let myself be. Now everyone is mad at me for raising my voice. Wife is pissed. I’m supposed to apologize. No one feels any responsibility for the 5 minutes of berating for a non-event as the instigating factor.

 

SQUIRRRREEEELLLLLLL!!!!

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1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

It was the initial reaction from 80 yr old "blueblood" grandma who was initially shocked that such a scandalous thing could occur in her DAR lineage.

She is the kinda lady who visits the "daily life" exhibits at Colonial Williamsburg, looks around and says "I can breathe, finally a sane society."

She is actually my favorite Aunt when not acting myopic, provincial, and parochial.

To be fair I think it would be good for people coming out, or saying whatever large life decisions or changes, to expect and allow a little questioning and period for contemplation and processing.

While I get that when someone comes out to family or friends it is a big step and moment, but I think realizing that it likely took that person years to get to that point in understanding themselves, so they shouldn’t expect instant acceptance and understanding from others.  Just as they took time to get there, if they expect questions, confusion and/or time to process, I think that will make all parties happier in the end.

Now if some people can’t get there then that is another issue, but as with your story it appears that most or all of them did…which is good.

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