One year ago today, I learned that when you make an appointment with a rehab facility to check in on a given date, and they're coming to pick you up, it's much harder to bullshit them about why you would be better off waiting "a day" or "a few days" or "until I call you" than you might expect or hope. At that point, the only thought I had in my mind was "I don't care what I told them 48 hours ago, it's RIGHT NOW not some indistinct date in the future and RIGHT NOW I want to drink". They wouldn't take no for an answer, though.
They checked me in at about 4 o'clock in the afternoon and my BAC was 0.118 even though I hadn't had a drink since somewhere around 930 that morning. I thought that BAC was interesting because not only did I not feel drunk, I felt painfully sober and was really surprised to learn that I'd probably been legally drunk every time I'd made one of those "I'm only driving because I am out of liquor" trip to the liquor store, or the "well, it's been a few days, I guess I better eat something" trips to the grocery store or a fast food place. I had honestly thought, like literally believed to be true, "sure I'm drinking an insane amount around the clock but I still sober up when I have to drive or get something done at work".
Nope! I had reached the "round-the-clock drinking" stage, which when I watched "Leaving Las Vegas" way back in 1996 seemed so gross and alien that I figured the writer had invented the entire concept to shock his audience. Nope again! People really do drink like that. Alcoholics, you know. Even when they don't want to, even when they barely know they're doing it. Just wake up, roll over, find the bottle, take in as much as you can without vomiting, pass back out for a while. 5 AM? 5 PM? Who can tell? Who cares?
It sounds sexier than it really is, if you haven't been there.
By the inexplicable grace of God, tomorrow I will pick up a one-year chip and then another one at my home group on Monday. When I get a chip, I usually say "life is weird, man", and I mean that when I say it, but man, life is fuckin' weird.