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Shit My Kid Says


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Just now, Grade of D as in David said:

Was he all jacked up on Mountain Dew?

Nope. Just garden-variety insolence.

Carbonation short-circuits him - avoids it at all costs, but if he takes a drink of something that he doesn't realize is carbonated, he'll immediately just open his mouth and let it fall out all over himself and whatever else.

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Went to my brother in-laws for dinner yesterday. All the kids were in the playroom watching Disney plus. One of my older sisters and I walk in on them watching Pocahontas. I believe they’re at the part where the guys are singing about finding the gold in the New World something like that. My three-year-old nephew then chimes in with, “when they find the gold Ratcliffe is going to dance around happy and naked wearing only his boots and hat singing the Loopy loo song. Then he’s going to go potty and wipe his bottom really good!” 

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convo with 10yo daughter 

"Dad, i feel like i am missing out on experiencing all the different Earths, you know if there are other multiverses.  I mean, I'll never get to experience those if i am just in this one"

Me: ooookay.  well, we can't travel to other multiverses yet, but maybe some day

FOMO of multiverses is real, apparently. 

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6 minutes ago, gyroprotagonist said:

"Dad, i feel like i am missing out on experiencing all the different Earths, you know if there are other multiverses.  I mean, I'll never get to experience those if i am just in this one"

Me: ooookay.  well, we can't travel to other multiverses yet, but maybe some day

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1 hour ago, Anastasis said:

On way to some 3v3 soccer right now. Listening to hype music for the kids. 
 

“Dad. Did you know that the fastest rapper in the world is a YouTuber named Eminem “

 

I feel like I am failing as a father. 

Yeah you've clearly never forced him to listen to dizzee rascal.

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I am guessing we have reached that age...

So the 5 year old is playing Lego the Hobbit. And so he has (with lots of adult help) beat most of the game and so now he has all sorts of characters.

So he has this big green troll and it sniffs the air looking for things...

Lil-Lax "I smell Bimbos"

Me: "Bilbo?"

Lil-Lax: "Yeah, I smell Bimbos... They smell tasty..."

Me:"Oh, is that so?"

Lil-Lax: "Yeah. Bimbos smell good. Im going to eat them up!, Im hungry"

 

I had to leave the room to not bust out laughing and his mother is just sitting there shaking her head..

Edited by Laxtonto
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25 minutes ago, Laxtonto said:

I am guessing we have reached that age...

So the 5 year old is playing Lego the Hobbit. And so he has (with lots of adult help) beat most of the game and so now he has all sorts of characters.

So he has this big green troll and it sniffs the air looking for things...

Lil-Lax "I smell Bimbos"

Me: "Bilbo?"

Lil-Lax: "Yeah, I smell Bimbos... They smell tasty..."

Me:"Oh, is that so?"

Lil-Lax: "Yeah. Bimbos smell good. Im going to eat them up!, Im hungry"

 

I had to leave the room to not bust out laughing and his mother is just sitting there shaking her head..

Has he been in a Mexican market lately - they have Bimbos on the shelves.

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9 year old just asked me the score of the cardinals/rockies game. Said nothing nothing. Without missing a beat he says so the bears are winning? 

Then,  to double down,  he walks into the room with the game on the TV and just says Colorado rockies in anumpumas voice. 

I'm either the worst parent in the world or the best. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

My 7yo son is talking to me about a video game. His 5yo sister (who still has problems with her Rs) is chiming in:

Son: Dad! I finished the game. I'm an expert at it.

Me: You did it all?

Son: Well, I got a 66% completion but I beat the last boss.

Me: Good job, but you're not really an expert if you only got 66%.

Daughter: I'm a pwo at it.

Son: You're not a pro. You're a noob.

Daughter: I'm not a noob.

Son. Yes you are.

Daughter: Actually, I'm a hacker.

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Also on the trip, my wife and I were talking about the Beatles when my wife mentioned that my son's music teacher played one of their songs in his class last year. I made a joke about singing beetles.

Son: Dad, it's a band.

Me: Well, they WERE a band. Two of them have died already.

Son: So now they're just The Beatle?

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7 hours ago, Modessit said:

Also on the trip, my wife and I were talking about the Beatles when my wife mentioned that my son's music teacher played one of their songs in his class last year. I made a joke about singing beetles.

Son: Dad, it's a band.

Me: Well, they WERE a band. Two of them have died already.

Son: So now they're just The Beatle?
 

Pretty good dig on Ringo for a 7 year old

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I don't know the context, if any - may have just been a spontaneous utterance, though we are still working on several aspects of his bathroom self-sufficiency such that the current battle is over his insistence at shitting only while nude. That obviously won't fly in first grade, so the rest of this summer is going to be contentious. 

Anyway, this morning before I got out of bed, I heard the Doomlet shout at his mother in an accusatory tone that, "the only thing you care about is butt hygiene!" 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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On 4/29/2021 at 5:15 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

In case anyone needs ideas for Mother's Day gifts, the Doomlet suggested "a disobedient clown with diarrhea" for his mother this year, and I figured I'd pass that along for anyone else who is similarly stumped... 

Mrs. Doom's birthday is coming up, so I asked the boy to think about what presents she might like. 

Suggestion #1 was "pet dog," #2 was "more TP," and, you guessed it, #3 was our old standby, "disobedient diarrhea clown." 

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