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Shit My Kid Says


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On 9/23/2022 at 8:25 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

This isn't just the doing of the Doomlet, but also his classmates. The other day when Mrs. Doom came home after picking up the boy at school, she immediately told me that every single second grader coming out of the school doors was talking about the same thing: one of the toilets in the school bathroom is haunted. 

These two illustrations were in his backpack that day. 

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It has been speculated that it is the ghost of George Washington (note the tri-corn hat on the left). In case it needs to be said, there is no logical reason (in my estimation, at least) to assume any connection to George Washington. 

I asked him to tell me why he thought the toilet was haunted, and Exhibit #1 is that "a girl saw an invisible hand" (yes, you read that correctly) while using the bathroom. Exhibit #2 is that there was a coat found on the floor of the bathroom with nobody wearing it, and nobody knows whose it is. He asked me if I thought the toilet was haunted, so naturally I agreed that it certainly seemed that way. He was glad to hear that, because apparently all of the other adults don't believe them. 

He and his buddies have taken it upon themselves to investigate this matter and "collect evidence."  This has been an ongoing saga with regular updates. I hope that I've included them all. 

Additional corroborating evidence includes the fact that the lights went off in the bathroom, that a stall door opened while a kid was taking a dump without anyone opening it, a cockroach spotted under the sink (this is suspicious because according to the detectives, cockroaches are only found in Africa [???]), and a tarantula has allegedly been spotted in the girl's bathroom. 

For a few days, he wasn't using the bathroom at all during the day, but we eventually convinced him that this is an unnecessary precaution. 

Nevertheless, the motto for the boys working the case is "don't wash hands, and don't look back."  Not great, obviously, but at least he's using the bathroom at school again. 

Today we caught him Googling "haunted bathrooms in Illinois" and much to our surprise, there is a haunted women's bathroom at the Lincoln Park Zoo, so he's already decreed that Mrs. Doom is not allowed to use that bathroom the next time we go to that zoo. 

This has been going on for more than a week now. I'm doing everything I can to keep stoking the fear and curiosity in order to drag it out for as long as possible, and just to indirectly fuck with the other kids. 

I'll continue to update you all if it continues into a third week... 

 

Wait until you find "ghost poop" on your kitchen counter that he brought home after collecting evidence at school.

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  • 2 weeks later...
2 hours ago, BigDHornfan said:

Sat the boy down this week to talk about his grades.  He's in 4th grade and he's always been an A & B student, until this year when he's going to end up with a D in reading.

I was telling him that he's smart enough to make a's and b's that a D is totally unacceptable.  His response,

"What about Deez nuts?"

I had to leave the room.  lil asshat has the smart ass gene and unleashes it at the most perfect times to diffuse situations.  I am turbo fucked.

 

Sounds like presidential candidate Doomlet has a solid choice for a runningmate, that's what it sounds like to me.

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Yesterday I was trying to get them showered up and ready for bed. I explained to them years ago the importance of pooping before your shower. So poop, shower, get dressed, brush your teeth then we watch an episode of Parks and Rec before bed.

Anyway, I can't find him and he's in the bathroom wiping.  I yell come on buddy, let's hurry.  He says I'm going as fast as I can but it's like wiping a marker. 

I've got awesome kids.

 

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3 hours ago, Post Oak said:

Yesterday I was trying to get them showered up and ready for bed. I explained to them years ago the importance of pooping before your shower. So poop, shower, get dressed, brush your teeth then we watch an episode of Parks and Rec before bed.

Anyway, I can't find him and he's in the bathroom wiping.  I yell come on buddy, let's hurry.  He says I'm going as fast as I can but it's like wiping a marker. 

I've got awesome kids.

 

Senior year of college I went to Cancun for spring break with a few buddies. There were four of us crammed in a hotel room and at one point we're all getting dressed to go out for the night. One of our friends shit after he showered and when he came out we asked him why he did that. He said I don't like showering with the stench of shit in the air.

We all busted his balls telling him the main reason to shower is to get your ass clean. And by shitting right after you clean your ass you defeat the entire purpose of the shower.

I'm pretty sure he still does that to this day.

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4 minutes ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Senior year of college I went to Cancun for spring break with a few buddies. There were four of us crammed in a hotel room and at one point we're all getting dressed to go out for the night. One of our friends shit after he showered and when he came out we asked him why he did that. He said I don't like showering with the stench of shit in the air.

We all busted his balls telling him the main reason to shower is to get your ass clean. And by shitting right after you clean your ass you defeat the entire purpose of the shower.

I'm pretty sure he still does that to this day.

NS02NTE4LmpwZWc.jpeg

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5 minutes ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Senior year of college I went to Cancun for spring break with a few buddies. There were four of us crammed in a hotel room and at one point we're all getting dressed to go out for the night. One of our friends shit after he showered and when he came out we asked him why he did that. He said I don't like showering with the stench of shit in the air.

We all busted his balls telling him the main reason to shower is to get your ass clean. And by shitting right after you clean your ass you defeat the entire purpose of the shower.

I'm pretty sure he still does that to this day.

Senior of HS we go on our Senior Trip. It's a 4-day cruise somewhere.  Shared a room with 4 buddies. First one takes a dump and stinks up the place. My buddy told us about the courtesy flush. As soon as splash down, flush. Handles most stench issues. Life changing.

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So sorry Pops. My daughter just got done with professional school and I’m expecting a call any day from her and her husband with baby news. Having lost one of our own when we were young, I know how hard it is for the mom. The joy of expecting and sharing that joy is just crushed with the loss. So, so sorry. Will pray for peace for them. 

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51 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:
On 10/14/2022 at 8:56 AM, TKthunder2 said:
This is the kind of shit I’ll never understand about women.

It used to drive me nuts when the wife bought Christmas gifts for teachers, doctor's office staff, etc. Over the years, I've come to appreciate the relationships she's developed with these folks.

I fine with the gifts, it’s the whole making a mountain out a molehill shit that drives me crazy.

Did she ask if they are vegan, gluten/dairy intolerant?  Just put nuts on the fucking brownies and send them to the teacher or don’t, but asking the kids to ask the teacher if they like nuts and then making them that way adds such an unnecessary level of complexity.

if they don’t like nuts they can pick them off, if they are allergic they can send them back or just accept them and throw them in the teachers lounge and not eat them.

That’s the part I don’t get.

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I fine with the gifts, it’s the whole making a mountain out a molehill shit that drives me crazy.
Did she ask if they are vegan, gluten/dairy intolerant?  Just put nuts on the fucking brownies and send them to the teacher or don’t, but asking the kids to ask the teacher if they like nuts and then making them that way adds such an unnecessary level of complexity.
if they don’t like nuts they can pick them off, if they are allergic they can send them back or just accept them and throw them in the teachers lounge and not eat them.
That’s the part I don’t get.
Or.... now hear me out...

Make them without nuts. If they don't like nuts, they'll be happy. If they do, they won't miss them.
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5 hours ago, Modessit said:

Or.... now hear me out...

Make them without nuts. If they don't like nuts, they'll be happy. If they do, they won't miss them.

That is way too logical for any straight woman to comprehend.  If it were that easy, the divorce rate would be much lower.  Beer, golf, fishing, hunting, etc would be less popular.  We would pretty much be living in rainbow land.  

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Took my oldest on a college tour this past weekend. Normally we VRBO when traveling with kids, but since it was just the two of us, we stayed in a hotel. Separate beds, assholes. Around 2AM, she screams out “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” I’m instantly awake and ask what the hell is wrong. She wakes up and is like what are talking about.

Startled the shit out of me.

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On 10/18/2022 at 7:17 AM, CooterBrown said:

Took my oldest on a college tour this past weekend. Normally we VRBO when traveling with kids, but since it was just the two of us, we stayed in a hotel. Separate beds, assholes. Around 2AM, she screams out “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” I’m instantly awake and ask what the hell is wrong. She wakes up and is like what are talking about.

Startled the shit out of me.

Were you in College Station?

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On 10/21/2022 at 10:59 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

 

And the blurb on the right side of this page is what he loudly read to last year's teacher when he encountered her in the hallway:

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I'm sure she really misses hearing this shit from him all day long. 

I have been to Kaohsiung, and am not surprised a dish like that is offered.

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