Jump to content

Shit My Kid Says


ROFL BOX

Recommended Posts

14 hours ago, 686 said:


Don’t try to apply logic to this. She read it on the internet, it must be true. In prior years, she ran this all the way up the chain to a pediatric gastroenterologist (who knew that even existed), who told her to chill out and this isn’t a thing, but here we are.

How you, and the other Surly's in the conversation, have not gotten to the obvious idea that you need to convince her anal is the answer to stretch, loosen and lubricate the region of concern is truly disappointing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 5/29/2023 at 10:20 AM, CooterBrown said:


A friend did that at UT around ‘91. He thought it was a good idea to drive his dad’s 1 ton Dodge farm truck while his car was in the shop. He’d parallel parked near campus. He looked out the rear view mirror and didn’t see anything and threw it in reverse. He ended up on top of one of those little Honda two door cars from the 80s. Put it in drive and took off. I always wondered what that person thought when they went to their car and the roof was crushed in.

I did the same thing in my 20's but I was driving one of these img.axd?id=7268146313&wid=0&rwl=False&p=

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
4 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Somehow the topic of organ donation came up. And while I'm sure you can anticipate more or less where this discussion led, I may as well confirm the specifics for everyone. 

"Do people ever donate their balls?" 

No, not usually. 

"Why not? What if someone needs a bigger nutsack?" 

Now there's a very humble brag from a kid...he just wants to help people for chrissakes.

  • Hook 'Em 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I need to vent about my 12 year old. His nickname right now is Magoo because he seems to be coasting through life oblivious to the destruction and mayhem he leaves in his wake. I worry if his head will ever exit his ass and he'll be able to be a productive member of society.

A few gems from the last couple months:

1. We exit my truck to go into the store. As we're walking in, he says "oh, I forgot my wallet in the truck" and goes back to the truck while we continue into the store. Fast forward 30-45 minutes, we're walking out of the store and his door is wide ass open. Luckily I don't keep anything of value in the cab. All other doors were locked so I know it wasn't someone pulling on handles. He just left the fucking door open. BTW, he's done this before at home when I've sent him outside to retrieve something from the truck. We get up the next day to leave and the door is open.

2. I have an LG french door fridge. It's showing its age but it still works so I've yet to replace it. It has a quirk where if you just let gravity try to shut the door, it doesn't shut all the way. It stays open about 2 inches and you have to give it a push to close all the way. He is aware of this because I've told him at least 10 times to come shut the fridge when I've walked behind him and see it still "open". Fast forward to a month ago, he goes to get a drink out of the fridge as we're walking out the door to leave for the day and I remind him to close the fridge. He says ok, We get home that evening to find the door propped open and a brisket, 2 racks of spares and a pork butt all sitting at room fucking temperature. 

3. Today (and the reason for this thread), we're leaving out this morning and like usual, he has forgotten something in the house (he fucking forgets everything constantly). He goes back in as I get his little brother loaded up., As he gets in the truck, I ask "did you close the door and relock the deadbolt" and he comes back with a frustrated 'yes' like how dare I question his ability to do simple tasks. I get home tonight at 8 and you guessed it, front door is wide ass open and the inside of the house is in the mid 80's with the AC unit s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g.

 

He also drops/spills EVERYTHING. CONSTANTLY. 

 

rant over. for now.

  • Like 2
  • Rage+1 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a very smart 12 year old… that is a fucking moron at times right now. I feel your pain. My new constant is being on him about wearing his rubber bands on his braces. He killed it the last couple of months. June - he’s a forgetful SOB.

  • Rage+1 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

Given his miserable history of carelessness, why haven’t you been taking him back in to see his misdeeds?
It could be a profound teaching moment, depending on your method of instruction.

I usually do but today was an anomaly because he's with his mom for the next few days so I was relegated to calling to bitch at him. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I need to vent about my 12 year old. His nickname right now is Magoo because he seems to be coasting through life oblivious to the destruction and mayhem he leaves in his wake. I worry if his head will ever exit his ass and he'll be able to be a productive member of society.
A few gems from the last couple months:
1. We exit my truck to go into the store. As we're walking in, he says "oh, I forgot my wallet in the truck" and goes back to the truck while we continue into the store. Fast forward 30-45 minutes, we're walking out of the store and his door is wide ass open. Luckily I don't keep anything of value in the cab. All other doors were locked so I know it wasn't someone pulling on handles. He just left the fucking door open. BTW, he's done this before at home when I've sent him outside to retrieve something from the truck. We get up the next day to leave and the door is open.
2. I have an LG french door fridge. It's showing its age but it still works so I've yet to replace it. It has a quirk where if you just let gravity try to shut the door, it doesn't shut all the way. It stays open about 2 inches and you have to give it a push to close all the way. He is aware of this because I've told him at least 10 times to come shut the fridge when I've walked behind him and see it still "open". Fast forward to a month ago, he goes to get a drink out of the fridge as we're walking out the door to leave for the day and I remind him to close the fridge. He says ok, We get home that evening to find the door propped open and a brisket, 2 racks of spares and a pork butt all sitting at room fucking temperature. 
3. Today (and the reason for this thread), we're leaving out this morning and like usual, he has forgotten something in the house (he fucking forgets everything constantly). He goes back in as I get his little brother loaded up., As he gets in the truck, I ask "did you close the door and relock the deadbolt" and he comes back with a frustrated 'yes' like how dare I question his ability to do simple tasks. I get home tonight at 8 and you guessed it, front door is wide ass open and the inside of the house is in the mid 80's with the AC unit s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g.
 
He also drops/spills EVERYTHING. CONSTANTLY. 
 
rant over. for now.
Given his miserable history of carelessness, why haven’t you been taking him back in to see his misdeeds?
It could be a profound teaching moment, depending on your method of instruction.
No, the proper response to "I forgot my..." after you've left the house, truck, whatever is to say "Oh well. Guess you'll remember next time." And then you leave without it. And he can suffer not having his phone, wallet, whatever.

My kids have learned that if they want to have their tablets, Switch, or whatever then it's their responsibility to bring them, bring charging cords, and bring headphones so I don't have to listen to it in the car. If they forget headphones then they can't use their electronics (because even when they "turn the sound down" it invariably gets turned up again and I can hear it). If the battery dies because they forgot charging cords then they can look out the window. They always bug my wife to use her phone when their battery dies and I told her to quit giving it to them because it's for her, not them. They know better than to ask for mine.
  • Hook 'Em 5
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, Goofyboy said:

I have a very smart 12 year old… that is a fucking moron at times right now. I feel your pain. My new constant is being on him about wearing his rubber bands on his braces. He killed it the last couple of months. June - he’s a forgetful SOB.

Oral hygiene and related habits are an ongoing challenge for the Doomlet as well. 

This is the regular state of his toothpaste (I've quit wiping off the tumor for him because it'll just grow back, and he simply can't be made to care about this...), and the mangled head on his toothbrush is less than a month old. 

 

20230706_091541.jpg

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, the proper response to "I forgot my..." after you've left the house, truck, whatever is to say "Oh well. Guess you'll remember next time." And then you leave without it. And he can suffer not having his phone, wallet, whatever.

My kids have learned that if they want to have their tablets, Switch, or whatever then it's their responsibility to bring them, bring charging cords, and bring headphones so I don't have to listen to it in the car. If they forget headphones then they can't use their electronics (because even when they "turn the sound down" it invariably gets turned up again and I can hear it). If the battery dies because they forgot charging cords then they can look out the window. They always bug my wife to use her phone when their battery dies and I told her to quit giving it to them because it's for her, not them. They know better than to ask for mine.

1000% this.

Chad Jr. is a fairly responsible kid. But on occasion he forgets stuff and this is the same response. He’s lost chargers before. He doesn’t anymore because after the first one, I told him that’s his one freebee. My responsibility is to keep a roof over his head, food on his plate and clothes on his back. Anything beyond that is purely voluntary on the part of his parents. So the second charger he lost was paid for by taking extra shifts picking up dog poop in the back yard.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, Hmbre97 said:

I need to vent about my 12 year old. His nickname right now is Magoo because he seems to be coasting through life oblivious to the destruction and mayhem he leaves in his wake. I worry if his head will ever exit his ass and he'll be able to be a productive member of society.

A few gems from the last couple months:

1. We exit my truck to go into the store. As we're walking in, he says "oh, I forgot my wallet in the truck" and goes back to the truck while we continue into the store. Fast forward 30-45 minutes, we're walking out of the store and his door is wide ass open. Luckily I don't keep anything of value in the cab. All other doors were locked so I know it wasn't someone pulling on handles. He just left the fucking door open. BTW, he's done this before at home when I've sent him outside to retrieve something from the truck. We get up the next day to leave and the door is open.

2. I have an LG french door fridge. It's showing its age but it still works so I've yet to replace it. It has a quirk where if you just let gravity try to shut the door, it doesn't shut all the way. It stays open about 2 inches and you have to give it a push to close all the way. He is aware of this because I've told him at least 10 times to come shut the fridge when I've walked behind him and see it still "open". Fast forward to a month ago, he goes to get a drink out of the fridge as we're walking out the door to leave for the day and I remind him to close the fridge. He says ok, We get home that evening to find the door propped open and a brisket, 2 racks of spares and a pork butt all sitting at room fucking temperature. 

3. Today (and the reason for this thread), we're leaving out this morning and like usual, he has forgotten something in the house (he fucking forgets everything constantly). He goes back in as I get his little brother loaded up., As he gets in the truck, I ask "did you close the door and relock the deadbolt" and he comes back with a frustrated 'yes' like how dare I question his ability to do simple tasks. I get home tonight at 8 and you guessed it, front door is wide ass open and the inside of the house is in the mid 80's with the AC unit s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g.

 

He also drops/spills EVERYTHING. CONSTANTLY. 

 

rant over. for now.

It's not misdeeds, he just has no idea he is doing this.  One of my sons is the same way and he has fairly severe ADHD.  It's not that he is doing things that are "mischievous" and trying to get away with them, my son could try to do something and will still leave a trail of evidence because his brain just does not let him track those things...without meds.

My son gets it from his Mom.  Cabinet doors opened and never shut.  Takes plastic wrap off the top of a jar and drop it on counter or floor.  Get something out and just leave it wherever it was last used.  Eggs on counter after being used and never put away, cooking utensils just left  on counter after being used.  Frustrating as heck, but it is not intentional.  They are just wired so they don't notice. 

I recommend seeing a psychiatrist and try and get him  evaluated for ADHD.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 hours ago, Hmbre97 said:

I need to vent about my 12 year old. His nickname right now is Magoo because he seems to be coasting through life oblivious to the destruction and mayhem he leaves in his wake. I worry if his head will ever exit his ass and he'll be able to be a productive member of society.

A few gems from the last couple months:

1. We exit my truck to go into the store. As we're walking in, he says "oh, I forgot my wallet in the truck" and goes back to the truck while we continue into the store. Fast forward 30-45 minutes, we're walking out of the store and his door is wide ass open. Luckily I don't keep anything of value in the cab. All other doors were locked so I know it wasn't someone pulling on handles. He just left the fucking door open. BTW, he's done this before at home when I've sent him outside to retrieve something from the truck. We get up the next day to leave and the door is open.

2. I have an LG french door fridge. It's showing its age but it still works so I've yet to replace it. It has a quirk where if you just let gravity try to shut the door, it doesn't shut all the way. It stays open about 2 inches and you have to give it a push to close all the way. He is aware of this because I've told him at least 10 times to come shut the fridge when I've walked behind him and see it still "open". Fast forward to a month ago, he goes to get a drink out of the fridge as we're walking out the door to leave for the day and I remind him to close the fridge. He says ok, We get home that evening to find the door propped open and a brisket, 2 racks of spares and a pork butt all sitting at room fucking temperature. 

3. Today (and the reason for this thread), we're leaving out this morning and like usual, he has forgotten something in the house (he fucking forgets everything constantly). He goes back in as I get his little brother loaded up., As he gets in the truck, I ask "did you close the door and relock the deadbolt" and he comes back with a frustrated 'yes' like how dare I question his ability to do simple tasks. I get home tonight at 8 and you guessed it, front door is wide ass open and the inside of the house is in the mid 80's with the AC unit s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g.

 

He also drops/spills EVERYTHING. CONSTANTLY. 

 

rant over. for now.

I'll start by saying I'm not a fan of the overprescription of behavioral/psychological meds in this country - especially when it comes to children - but there are definitely people with ADHD to a degree that almost necessitates some form of medication or lifestyle for them to function well.

Now, I obviously know nothing about your kid, maybe he gets straight As and is just sort of airheaded sometimes (or maybe he's already on medication) but your 3rd example seems fairly alarming in that he didn't just forget to close the door he forgot to close it and then seconds later thought he had closed it.

Sure, you could discipline him or set expectations or whatever, but some behaviors may not be remediable if his brain just happens to be wired a certain way. 

Maybe I'm out of line here - just thinking out loud - but I'd hate for him to really struggle with more adult stuff later in life like driving, having a job, going to college etc. I know there's a ton of different options for addressing ADHD now beyond just giving the kid speed. I have a little brother getting ready to attend college that was never a great student until he started taking meds, and now he's fucking crushing it including scoring a 35 on the ACT. As far as I can tell his personality hasn't been affected in any meaningful way, he's a bright kid and pleasant to be around. (Oh - also - he still does stupid shit and got his laptop stolen out of his car recently despite being reminded ad nausem by his parents about leaving it in there with the door unlocked)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I need to vent about my 12 year old. His nickname right now is Magoo because he seems to be coasting through life oblivious to the destruction and mayhem he leaves in his wake. I worry if his head will ever exit his ass and he'll be able to be a productive member of society.
A few gems from the last couple months:
1. We exit my truck to go into the store. As we're walking in, he says "oh, I forgot my wallet in the truck" and goes back to the truck while we continue into the store. Fast forward 30-45 minutes, we're walking out of the store and his door is wide ass open. Luckily I don't keep anything of value in the cab. All other doors were locked so I know it wasn't someone pulling on handles. He just left the fucking door open. BTW, he's done this before at home when I've sent him outside to retrieve something from the truck. We get up the next day to leave and the door is open.
2. I have an LG french door fridge. It's showing its age but it still works so I've yet to replace it. It has a quirk where if you just let gravity try to shut the door, it doesn't shut all the way. It stays open about 2 inches and you have to give it a push to close all the way. He is aware of this because I've told him at least 10 times to come shut the fridge when I've walked behind him and see it still "open". Fast forward to a month ago, he goes to get a drink out of the fridge as we're walking out the door to leave for the day and I remind him to close the fridge. He says ok, We get home that evening to find the door propped open and a brisket, 2 racks of spares and a pork butt all sitting at room fucking temperature. 
3. Today (and the reason for this thread), we're leaving out this morning and like usual, he has forgotten something in the house (he fucking forgets everything constantly). He goes back in as I get his little brother loaded up., As he gets in the truck, I ask "did you close the door and relock the deadbolt" and he comes back with a frustrated 'yes' like how dare I question his ability to do simple tasks. I get home tonight at 8 and you guessed it, front door is wide ass open and the inside of the house is in the mid 80's with the AC unit s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g.
 
He also drops/spills EVERYTHING. CONSTANTLY. 
 
rant over. for now.

Kudos on introducing Mr. Magoo into your kid’s life.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Neighbor, “Your dad’s got that nice bike in the shed and I’ve never once seen him ride it. What’s wrong with him?” Baby Pokes; “So? He’s got a wife and you’ve never seen him ride her either!”

This kid has potential.
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, ABSR said:

It's not misdeeds, he just has no idea he is doing this.  One of my sons is the same way and he has fairly severe ADHD.  It's not that he is doing things that are "mischievous" and trying to get away with them, my son could try to do something and will still leave a trail of evidence because his brain just does not let him track those things...without meds.

My son gets it from his Mom.  Cabinet doors opened and never shut.  Takes plastic wrap off the top of a jar and drop it on counter or floor.  Get something out and just leave it wherever it was last used.  Eggs on counter after being used and never put away, cooking utensils just left  on counter after being used.  Frustrating as heck, but it is not intentional.  They are just wired so they don't notice. 

I recommend seeing a psychiatrist and try and get him  evaluated for ADHD.

 

13 hours ago, ztejas said:

I'll start by saying I'm not a fan of the overprescription of behavioral/psychological meds in this country - especially when it comes to children - but there are definitely people with ADHD to a degree that almost necessitates some form of medication or lifestyle for them to function well.

Now, I obviously know nothing about your kid, maybe he gets straight As and is just sort of airheaded sometimes (or maybe he's already on medication) but your 3rd example seems fairly alarming in that he didn't just forget to close the door he forgot to close it and then seconds later thought he had closed it.

Sure, you could discipline him or set expectations or whatever, but some behaviors may not be remediable if his brain just happens to be wired a certain way. 

Maybe I'm out of line here - just thinking out loud - but I'd hate for him to really struggle with more adult stuff later in life like driving, having a job, going to college etc. I know there's a ton of different options for addressing ADHD now beyond just giving the kid speed. I have a little brother getting ready to attend college that was never a great student until he started taking meds, and now he's fucking crushing it including scoring a 35 on the ACT. As far as I can tell his personality hasn't been affected in any meaningful way, he's a bright kid and pleasant to be around. (Oh - also - he still does stupid shit and got his laptop stolen out of his car recently despite being reminded ad nausem by his parents about leaving it in there with the door unlocked)

Also highly recommended is a chinaberry switch and a strong right arm.

  • Hook 'Em 1
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

I know you're probably joking, but I don't think corporal punishment for having ADD/ADHD is recommended by any reputable medical journals. 

At least not during this century. 

Ain't read my official journal yet have you?

 

 

JK of course...

  • Hook 'Em 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

My 12 year-old son to his 18 year-old female cousin returning from the bathroom:  "Why did you bring your purse to the bathroom."

The conversation in which I told him why he shouldn't ask that question was brief, but the abject horror in his face as he realized his gaffe was priceless.

 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
9 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

Nephew's at it again. Yesterday while watching Willy Wonka and Chocolate Factory: "Oompa Loompa doopity doo. When you go pee pee we go poo poo! Oompa Loompa doopity dee. When you go poo poo we go pee pee!"

You should record him singing that and add a beat to it. I bet he would get a kick out of his songs.

  • Hook 'Em 2
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...
11 hours ago, Superhero said:

For whatever reason, we have a mini-bucket by our shower. The boy will sometimes shower in my bathroom and make “potions” - usually water and shampoo. Today he said:

“Daddy I made you a potion that you can dump on yourself. It’s TOTALLY not infused with pee. Trust me.”

Did you trust him?

 

And did the potion help with Jelly Fish stings?

Edited by ABSR
  • Like 1
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
On 8/5/2023 at 10:19 AM, Longboard Horn said:

One of my older nephew's has been hell bent on remaking songs with toilet humor. A few examples:

Tide is High by Blondie: "The tide is high but I'm holding on..." *crosses his legs "I gotta pee, that's number one!"

Under Pressure by Queen: Pressure pushing out of me, poop is coming out of my drawers! Under pressure! That turd is coming out, shits some nasty poo...

And my personal favorite(it made me laugh and my sister was mortified) Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics: Nephew grabs his crotch and sings, "sweet dreams are made of DEEZ!"

*nephews

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There's an Art Club forming at Doomlet's grade school, and the kids had to apply for consideration. His interest is art is inversely correlated with the outdoor temperature, so it's been on the back burner for a while, but in the winter, at least, he enjoys giving his drawings as gifts. 

Here's Doomlet's application - note how he had to insert a barrier between "of art" so it didn't appear to admissions committee that he had written the word "fart." And yes, it's beginning to look like he inherited my shitty handwriting. 

20231029_111458.thumb.jpg.3642844f9bf20e6a14db2422df3581bc.jpg

I was out of town at the time of his application, but apparently he had intended to create and submit "a beautiful sunrise over Walgreen's" (?!) but Mrs. Doom explained to him how that didn't really fit with the theme of his application, and how most people wouldn't necessarily be too enamored with (and more likely confused by) the depiction of a sunrise over a drugstore. In case it needs to be clarified, our family has no particular connection to or affinity for Walgreen's. 

So he submitted something more representative of his catalog and was accepted. 

20231029_111532.thumb.jpg.9b8dac48d9a77309881a55e7b971532e.jpg

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.



×
×
  • Create New...