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Showing content with the highest reputation on 12/25/19 in all areas

  1. Dad asked my wife if she wanted a glass of wine (didn’t ask me because I’m pretty sure he thinks only women drink wine). She took a sip and almost spit it out because it was so bad. A few minutes go by and he says it’s from the same bottle he opened last year.
    20 points
  2. A chronology of events for Saturday, December 4, 1999, and the early morning hours of Sunday, December 5, 1999: 6:00 Arise, play the Eyes of Texas and Texas Fight at full-freaking blast 6:20 Get in car, drive to New Braunfels 7:30 Tee off (me and a buddy were the FIRST tee-time of the morning) 8:50 Turn 9 (crack open first beer) 8:53 Crack open second beer 8:58 Crack open...(you get the idea) 10:30 Finish 18 (holes, as well as beers), sign scorecard for smoooooth 95 10:35 Headed for San Antonio (Alamodome - Nebraska vs Texas) 10:50 Buy three 18-packs for pre- and post-game festivities 11:10 We decide we don't have enough booze, so we double-back to a liquor store and buy the good ol' 750 ml plastic bottle "Traveler" Jim Beam 11:50 Arrive at the tailgate spot. Awesome day. Not a single cloud in the sky. About 70 degrees. 11:55 I decide that we're going to kick the ********** out of Nebraska. 11:56 I tell my first Nebraska fan to go f!!k himself. 12:15 The UT band walks by on the way to the Alamodome. We're on the second floor of a two-story parking garage on the corner (a couple hundred of us). We're hooting and hollering like wildmen. The band doubles back to the street right below us and serenades us with Texas Fight and The Eyes of Texas. AWESOME MOMENT. 12:25 In the post-serenade serendipity, 50-100 grown men are bumping chests with one another, each and every one of them now secure and certain of the fact that we are going to kick the ********** out of Nebraska. 11:00 The Nebraska band walks by on the way to the Alamodome. Again, we hoot and holler like wildmen. Again, the band doubles back and stops right below us to serenade us, this time, however, with the Nebraska fight songs. Although somewhat impressed by their spirit and verve, we remain convinced that we are going to kick the ********** out of Nebraska. 1:30 I begin the walk to the Alamodome, somehow managing to stuff the "Traveler" and 11 cans of beer into my pants. 1:47 I am in line surrounded by Nebraska fans. They are taunting me. I am taunting back, still certain that we are going to kick the ********** out of Nebraska. I decide to challenge a particularly vocal Nebraska fan to play what I now call and will forever be remembered as "Cell-Phone Flop Out." Remember flop out for a dollar? The rules are similar. I tell this Nebraska jackass that if he's so confident in his team, he should "flop out" his cell phone RIGHT NOW and make plane reservations to Phoenix for the Fiesta Bowl. And then I spoke these memorable words: "And not those damn refundable tickets, either! You request those non-refundable, non-transferrable sons-of-b!tches!" He backs down. He is unworthy. I call Southwest Airlines and buy two tickets to Phoenix, non-refundable and non-transferrable. Price: $712. He is humbled. He lowers his head in shame. I raise my cell phone in triumph to the cheers of hundreds of Texas fans. I am KING and these are my subjects. I distribute the 11 beers in my pants to the cheering masses. I RULE the pre-game kingdom. 2:34 Kickoff. Brimming with confidence, I open the Traveler and pour my first stiffy. 2:45 I notice something troubling: Nebraska is big. Nebraska is fast. Nebraska is very pissed off at Texas. 3:01 The first quarter mercifully ends. 9 yards total offense for Texas. Zero first downs for Texas. I'm still talking **********. I pour another stiffy from the Traveler. 3:36 Four minutes to go in the first half: the Traveler is a dead soldier. I buy my first $5 beer from the Alamodome merchants. While I am standing in line, a center snap nearly decapitates Major Applewhite and rolls out of the end zone. Safety. 3:56 Halftime score: Nebraska 15, Texas 0. I wish I had another Traveler. 4:11 While urinating next to a Nebraska fan in the bathroom at halftime, I attempt to revive the classic Brice- ism from the South Bend bathroom: "Hey, buddy, niiiiiiiiice c**k." He is unamused. 4:21 I buy my 2nd and 3rd $5 beer from the Alamodome merchants. I share my beer with two high school girls sitting behind me. Surprisingly, they are equipped with a flask full of vodka. I send them off to purchase Sprites, so that we may consume their vodka. I have not lost faith. Nebraska is a bunch of pu$$ies. 4:51 No more vodka. The girls sitting behind me have fled for their lives. I purchase two more $5 beers from the Alamodome merchants. 5:18 Score is Nebraska 22, Texas 0. I am beginning to lose faith. This normally would trouble me, but I am too drunk to see the football field. 5:27 I call Southwest Airlines: "I'm sorry, sir. Those tickets have been confirmed and are non-refundable and non-transferrable." 5:37 I try to start a fight with every person behind the concession counter. As it turns out, the Alamodome has a policy that no beer can be sold when there is less than 10 minutes on the game clock. I am enraged by this policy. I ask loudly: "Why the ************ didn't you announce last call over the f**king PA system??!!" 5:49 Back in my seats, I am slumped in my chair in defeat. All of a sudden, the Texas crowd goes absolutely nuts. "Whazzis?," I mutter, awaking from my coma, "Iz we winnig? Did wez scort?" Alas, the answer is > > >>no, we were not winning and we did not score. The largest (by far) cheer of the day from the Texas faithful occurred when the handlers were walking back to the tunnel and Bevo (the Texas mascot) stopped to take a gargantuan ********** all over the letters "S", "K",and "A" in the "Nebraska" spelled out in their end zone. I cheer wildly. I pick up the empty Traveler bottle and stick my tongue in it. I am thirsty. 6:16 Nebraska fans are going berserk as I walk back to the truck. I would taunt them with some off-color remarks about their parentage, but I am too drunk to form complete sentences. With my last cognitive thought of the evening, I take solace in the fact that if we had not beaten them in October, they would be playing Florida State for the national championship. 6:30 Back in the car. On the way back to Austin for the basketball game. 8:00 Texas-Arizona tip off. We can still salvage the day! I crack open a beer. It is warm. I don't care. 7:12 We have stopped for gas. I am hungry. I go inside the store. I walk past the beer frig. I notice a Zima. I've never had a Zima. I wonder if it's any good. I pull a Zima from the frig. I twist the top off and drink the Zima in three swallows. Zima sucks. I replace the empty bottle in the frig. 7:17 There is a Blimpie Subs in the store. I walk to where the ingredients are, where the person usually makes the sub. There is no one there. I lean over the counter and scoop out half a bucket of black olives. I eat them. I am still hungry. I lean further over the counter and grab approximately two pounds of Pastrami. I walk out of the store grunting and eating Pastrami. The patrons in the store fear me. I don't care. 8:01 We are in South Austin. I have been drinking warm beer and singing Brooks and Dunn tunes for over an hour. My truck-mate is tired of my singing. He suggests that perhaps Brooks and Dunn have written other good songs besides "You're Going to Miss Me When I'm Gone" and "Neon Moon" and that maybe listening to only those two songs, ten times each was a bit excessive. Perhaps, he suggests, Icould just let the CD play on its own. I tell him to ************ off and restart "Neon Moon." 8:30 We arrive at the Erwin Center. My truckmate, against my loud and profane protestations, parks on the top floor of a nearby parking garage. I tell him he's an idiot. I tell him we will never get out. I tell him we may as well pitch a f**king tent here. He ignores me. I think he's still pissed about the Brooks and Dunn tunes. I whistle "Neon Moon" loudly. 8:47 I am rallying. I have 4 warm beers stuffed in my pants. We're going to kick the ********** out of Arizona. 9:11 Halftime score: Texas 31, Arizona 29. I am pleased. I go to the bathroom to pee for the 67th time today. I giggle to myself because of the new opportunity to do "the bathroom Brice." There are no Arizona fans in the bathroom. I am disappointed. I tell myself (out loud) that I have a "Niiiiiice c*ck." No one is amused but me. 9:41 I walk to the bathroom while drinking Bud Light out of a can. Needless to say, they do not sell beer at the Erwin Center,much less Bud Light out of a can. I am stopped by an usher: "Where did you get that, sir?" I tell him (no **********): "Oh, the cheerleaders were throwing them up with those little plastic footballs. Would you mind throwing this away for me?" I take the last swig and hand it to him. He is confused. I pretend I'm going to the bathroom, but I run away giggling instead. I duck into some entrance to avoid the usher, who is now pursuing me. I sneak into a large group of people and sit down. The usher walks by harmlessly. I am giggling like a little girl. I crack open another can of Bud Light. 9:52 I am lost. In my haste to avoid the usher, I have lost my bearings. I have no ticket stub. I cannot find my seats. Texas is losing. 10:09 Texas is being screwed by the refs. I am enraged. I have cleared out the seats around me because I keep removing my hat and beating the surrounding chairs with it. A concerned fan asks if I'm OK and perhaps I shouldn't take it so seriously. I tell him to ************ off. 10:15 After the fourth consecutive "worst f**king call I have EVER seen, " I attempt to remove my hat again to begin beating inanimate objects. However, on this occasion I miscalculate and I thumbnail myself in my left eyelid, leaving a one-quarter inch gash over my eye. I am now bleeding into my left eye and all over my shirt. "Perhaps," I think to myself, I'm taking this a bit seriously." 10:22 I am standing in the bathroom peeing. I'm so drunk I am swaying and grunting. I have a bloody napkin pressed on my left eye. My pants are bloody. I have my (formerly) white shirt wrapped around my waist. I look like I should be in an episode of Cops. 10:43 Texas has lost. I put my bloody white shirt back on my body and make my way for the exits. I am stopped every 20 seconds by a good samaritan/cop/security guard to ask me why I am covered in blood, but I merely grunt incoherently and keep moving. 10:59 With my one good eye, I have located the parking garage. I walk up six flights of stairs, promise that when I see my friend I will punch him in the face for making me walk up six flights of stairs, find the truck, and collapse in a heap in the bed of the truck. I look around and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I take a nap. 11:17 I awake from my nap. I see my friend in the driver's seat. I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I am too tired to punch my friend. I call my friend a "Stupid c**ksucker." 11:31 I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I call my friend a "Stupid c**ksucker." 11:38 I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I call my friend a "Stupid c**ksucker." 11:47 I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I call my friend a "Stupid c**ksucker." 11:58 I am jostled. The truck is moving. I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is beginning to move on the second floor. I jump out of the truck, walk to the edge of the parking facility, and pee off the sixth floor onto the street below. My friend looks at me like I just anally violated his minor sister. I turn around pee on the front of his truck while singing the lyrics to "Neon Moon." 12:11 We are moving. We are out of beer. I jump from the truck and go from vehicle to vehicle until someone gives me two beers. I am happy. I return to my vehicle 12:26 We have emerged from the parking facility. We make our way to my apartment and find Ed sitting on the couch with a freshly opened bottle of Glenlivet on the coffee table in front of him. We are all going to die tonight. 12:59 We have finished three-quarters of the bottle of Glenlivet. We decide it would be a wonderful idea to go dancing at PollyEsther's. Ed has to pee. He walks down the hall to our apartment and directly into the full length mirror at the end of the hall, smashing it into hundreds of pieces. We giggle uncontrollably and leave for PollyEsther's. 1:17 The PollyEsther's doorman laughs uncontrollably at our efforts to enter his club. "Fellas," he says in between his fits of spastic laughter, "I've been working this door for almost a year. I've been working doors in this town for almost 5 years. And I can honestly say that I ain't never seen three drunker mother f**kers than you three. Sorry, can't let you in." We attempt to reason with him. He laughs harder. 1:44 We find a bar that lets us in. We take two steps in the door and hear "Last call for alcohol!" I turn to the group and mutter: "See, dat wasn't that f**kin' hard. Day don't f**kin' do that at the Awamo...the awaom...the alab...************ it, that stadium we was at today..." We order 6shots of tequila and three beers. 2:15 Back on the street. We need food. We hail cab to take us the two and one half blocks to Denny's. The cab fare is $1.60. We give him $10 and tell him to keep it. 2:17 There is a 20 minute wait. We give the hostess $50. We are seated immediately. 2:25 We order two orders of fried pickles, a Cobb salad, a bowl of soup, two orders of Blueberry blintzes, two Reuben sandwiches, a hamburger, two cheese stuffed potatoes, an order of fries, and an order of onion rings. 2:39 The food arrives. We are all asleep with our heads on the table. The waiter wakes us up. We eat every f**king bit of our food. Most of the restaurant patrons around us are disgusted. We don't give a ************. The tab is $112 with tip. 2:46 I'm sleepy. 9:12 I wake up next to a strange woman. She is a waitress at Denny's. She is not pretty.
    11 points
  3. Ahhhh here we go. Batteries this year. Double A, triple A, a battery for my drill...batteries. I also did get a new scope for my deer rifle. SILs got a literal small box of hundreds. My wife? Nope. My in-laws either hate me or feel sorry for my SILs because every fucking year since we’ve been married, they’ve given them cash and my wife nothing. Maybe it’s due to the fact they know I make a lot of money from my job and my wife has everything she needs and wants. Still irritates the fuck out of me. My wife finally asked where her cash was this year. They didn’t say anything.
    10 points
  4. Was at HEB buying a standing rib roast and walked by the meat case and saw wagyu tomahawks. Immediately took a number because it was a zoo and waited my turn to ask if they had another whole section unbroken down. I was in luck and they did. 49.99/lb * 8.65lb - fuck it, it's Christmas and it would cost a hell of a lot more to take the 10 people it would feed anywhere with the quality of this ingredient being served. 5 sprigs worth of minced rosemary, 2 large cloves of garlic smashed, 1/3 cup of coarse ground pepper, 1/4 cup of sea salt, 1/3 cup of EVOO in the food processor for the wet rub. 3 1/2 hours over oak and pecan @ 250 pulled it off at IT around 112. It rose to around 118-120 as I cranked it up to hellfire and seared for 20-30s each side just for the crust. Let it rest for 25 min until sliced and served. The plated pic has the most well done piece from the loin side and a beautiful piece from the center of the roast. Yes it cut with a butter knife. Absolutely worth the premium over prime if you can swing it and have people who can appreciate the difference. It was extra beefy flavor wise and the most tender ribeye I've ever cooked. It's totally subjective, but I think this particular piece would have graded out around a 7 on the marble score.
    9 points
  5. We made it to church on time as did SIL and her fam. MIL there 1 hour and 15 minutes early. Sisters kids were hooligans and they had to leave 25 mins into the service. Probably over a hundred kids there and they were the only two with issues but that wasn’t a surprise. Showed up at the house and BIL was hammered and sweating bullets. Under control for now though. SIL is doing a great job of keeping MIL in check. It will turn into fighting by tomorrow for sure. This thing always starts off slow. A couple of things to look for tomorrow. Does BIL bring a trashy girl over? What do I get from MIL for Christmas. I got a dustpan two years ago along with a lecture that mine was too flimsy. For those of you offering advice: take it to the Dr. fucking Phil thread. This is for bitching. Also, I’m winning the long game. The crazier they act, the less I have to come here. Down from about 15 days a year to 5.
    9 points
  6. 8 points
  7. Her pet project is online bullying. That would be like Michelle's deal being anti tan suits and spicy mustard.
    7 points
  8. 7 points
  9. MIL and FIL already at each other’s throats. Merry Friggin Crimmus. Can’t get out of here fast enough.
    7 points
  10. Today is a day that will live in infamy. 5 brave people stood up to a reign of terror than has lasted well over 30 years. The 3 children of MIL decided that no more shit will be taken and the the outlandish rudeness will stop and two were supported by spouses. It did not come without many battles throughout the day but she was thwarted at every turn. The final battle came around the great fire pit when SIL told her she should return to her dwelling (go to bed) if she is going to be negative and rude. MIL desperately looked for support, which she did not find, before heading to her nest. For over an hour now the victorious children have celebrated the win and regaled each other with battle stories from the day, something that has never happened before. The battle of breakfast, the battle of prime rib, the aggression of cleaning before guests, the counter insurgence of child rearing criticism, and finally the battle of fire pit. We may be lean, but for the first time we are unified and organized. The MIL has been put on notice, with a clear directive, that she shall ruin no more holidays. The long game has won. Let freedom ring. On a more serious note, she was really told repeatedly that she is ruining everyone’s Christmas with her negativity and lashing out. Sounds like everybody has felt the same way for a long time and we finally got organized in supporting each other in putting a stop to it. Hallelujah.
    6 points
  11. "I'm telling ya, put every penny you've got into a guaranteed winner: emu ranching! The meat is incredible! "
    6 points
  12. You could double or triple the cash and wrap it up and give it to your wife to see the look on the inlaws faces.
    6 points
  13. My parents have stocking hangers that spell out NOEL. I always changed it to LEON.
    6 points
  14. No, you need to tell him you like Nascar and drag racing, mainly because the technology is better than F1.
    6 points
  15. My BiL is beginning his second hour of F1 racing talk. He has a photographic memory and isn’t missing a single detail. Teams, manufacturers, drivers, etc. I’m not into F1 racing.
    6 points
  16. Merry Christmas to all you enabling degenerates! Best group of folks on this forum.
    6 points
  17. SIL came over to open presents. Started bitching about A Christmas Story, "This is the most horrible movie evah..." Left. As soon as my wife and I fell asleep on the couch, my wife received a string (beeping) of 6 straight messages. Guess who? SIL bitching about receiving a check with her married name still on it. Their grandmother - who gets easily confused and was recently put into an assisted living center - had the audacity to put the wrong name on a Christmas check. Fuck's sake.
    6 points
  18. Life's too short to own a flimsy dustpan. Team MIL.
    6 points
  19. My dishwasher's cycle is about 28 days.
    6 points
  20. I thought for sure I wouldn't have anything to add this year with my parents passed away, the in-laws 6000 miles away and us not going anywhere near the crazy part of my family. Just found out a relative who lives in Chicago decided to come down to Texas despite his sister and parents telling him not to due to his Mom's medical issues. In addition to coming uninvited, at some point in the last day or two his wife left him and ran off with the kids. Merry Christmas everybody.
    6 points
  21. I ceased being a Cowboys fan when that carpetbagging Arkansas yayhoo Jerrah treated the venerated Tom Landry like shit.
    6 points
  22. My wife and I were broke as hell our first Christmas, so I went out and cut a small tree on our farm, the we decorated it with bows that we made from ribbon, some small glass balls, and some miscellaneous ornaments that my Grandma had left. We still use those same ornaments every year. We also have two glass ornaments that were on my mom's first Christmas tree in the 30s. We still use them, too. If you are looking for an elegant, finely designed and coordinated Christmas tree, don't look in my house. We have three trees this year, each with a wild assortment of different ornaments collected over the years. They look like Christmas erupted all over them, and they are beautiful. And each tree has at least one Nativity on it. One has four. Christmas morning we always have breakfast sausage and either hotcakes or biscuits and sausage gravy. Lunch and supper aren't usually huge meals, because we eat so much at breakfast. We aren't well off, nor are we fancy, but we have fun and love. That's enough for us.
    5 points
  23. He said BIL went out to see trashy GF this year instead of bringing her over, but there's still hope he'll come home drunk and late for dinner. I for one hope he changes his mind and they both show up shit faced later. The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
    5 points
  24. It isn’t hard to understand. A political difference that includes xenophobia and the suppression of others crosses the line for some of us.
    5 points
  25. Yuletide Blessings Gents....ready for 2020
    5 points
  26. You should have acted excited and told her you couldn’t wait to get home and soil them with her daughter.
    5 points
  27. Yeah. I got a call from South Austin’s mom this morning too.
    5 points
  28. Merry Christmas you guitar slinging degenerates!
    5 points
  29. *sigh* no massive coronary. Fuck you, Santa.
    5 points
  30. 5 points
  31. Should have handed the dustpan to your wife and told her that her mother accidentally put your name on her gift.
    5 points
  32. This is from a few years ago but it still cracks me up. This is my parents' dog Lucy. She was not feeling festive, despite the outfit. Happy holidays, y'all! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    5 points
  33. Everything was going pretty good until the US decided to elect a completely immoral shitstain to be the president, athough I still think Manafort and his Russian friends played a large role in actually stealing the thing, so I’m not blaming us just yet. Trump is doing his best to make the next decade the worst in human history. Let’s hope he fails at that, just like he’s failed at everything else in his worthless life.
    5 points
  34. All life is precious*, and that single issue MUST dictate our political choice! * This rock-solid, no-compromise principle not valid with respect to brown lives, especially those fleeing deadly violence in Central America, or drowning as they cross the sea fleeing murderous civil war in Syria, or who are dying from lack of basic medical care in a cage in our custody in El Paso, etc. The fact that the “bedrock principle” that supposedly drives evangelicals is pure fucking hypocrisy makes the whole goddamned thing completely laughable...if it wasn’t also totally fucking depraved and evil. In short, anyone who claims to vote for Trump because they are pro-life is a lying fucking hypocrite who is just fine with leaving that child to die the second after it leaves the womb in Honduras, Syria, Guatemala, Afghanistan, etc. - shit, even right here in the USA if the parents happen to be poor and brown (serves em right). Fuck em. Fuck em all.
    5 points
  35. Heading to the in-laws for three days tomorrow morning. We used to go thanksgiving and Christmas but I have managed to reduce it down. It’s always a minor disaster with some really obnoxious people. Let’s meet the cast of characters so that the play by play will be easier later. Wife: seeing her family is very important to her. She will also start bitching about how we are surrounded by lunatics within the first 30 minutes. When it’s time for another visit she will have somehow forgotten. She tries to appease MIL, which is an impossible task. Only sibling worth a shit because she left and never went back. MIL: Very domineering personality. She’s really weird and also very controlling so we always get roped into bizarre things. She’s very judgmental towards everyone, but nobody else is allowed to be the same way toward a family member or she will snap at you. She is a very picky eater but controls the menu. We are having a rib roast but she will not touch anything unless it’s burned to shit. Instead of having all of our food ruined (again) I’m getting FIL to cut her off an end piece to turn into smoldering shoe leather. 100% chance of a story about her coming up. FIL: really nice guy and a good cook of traditional food but has a really narrow window of what he deems acceptable. Really just a narrow world view that’s getting worse by the year, thanks largely to Fox News. He does his best to keep the peace but will not get in the way of MIL at any cost. 5% chance of a story BIL: He is MIL’s perfect angel who can do no wrong. She talks shit about all her friends kids and adores him. BIL is in his 30s and lives at home. He’s not a bad guy, just makes poor life choices and is an overall waste of potential because he is so coddled. He has never had to face any real world consequences. I will find out about yet another thing they are doing for him in the next few days. They don’t trust him to do anything on his own because he will screw it up...but he never has the opportunity to learn. He drinks too much and has made a scene before. He also likes to invite trashy women who he meets at bars over for Christmas dinner. They also make a scene sometimes. He was immediately pulled aside and told “she’s not the one” by MIL last year. 70% chance of a story Wildcard: any chick BIL brings over. 100% of a story if one comes. Last years girl brought her daughter who was calling BIL “daddy”. Several near heart attacks in the room. SIL: was really batshit crazy in her earlier years and put the family through hell. Never did anything to better herself but latched on to an upper middle class guy. Hasn’t worked a day in at least 10 years, even before she had kids. The family pretends that nothing bad ever happened with her. She has the same personality as MIL and they butt heads a lot. She will have kids with her that she won’t parent. 50% chance of a story. 100% chance of yelling and bitching about stuff. Family friends that come over: all old, all trumpkins that have weird obsessions. 100% chance of bitching about gays, Muslims, scammers, Hollywood, liberals, etc. Prediction: first update will be MIL freaking out about something nonsensical and driving everybody crazy by 6:00 tomorrow evening.
    5 points
  36. WLW and Old Fitz with dinner leads into prepping for tomorrow... Cheers y’all!
    4 points
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