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strawberry jelly is for the ass, try to keep up.


I prefer syrup.
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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

  • BearCountry11
    BearCountry11

    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Our house is now 5 years old. Mrs Stanco has small complaints about our builder but nothing serious.

Just now: "mark! The dishwasher is making odd noises!!!1! Typical! Another 5 year issue from xxxxx the builder!"

Me: He built our dishwasher too?

Still no response, and it's been about 10 minutes.

4 minutes ago, markstanco said:



Still no response, and it's been about 10 minutes.

...And THAT, gentlemen, is how you humblebrag.

10 hours ago, markstanco said:

Still no response, and it's been about 10 minutes.

She's crushing candy.

In a short department meeting w/your wives and Teacher Suzie's b'day lunch comes up."What shall we do? Let's have a nacho bar!"  Yeah let's spend the $ to cook, transport it to school, keep it warm through the morning, have no alcohol, transport home and clean. "   

 " You know Chuy's has a free nacho bar during happy hour. "

 Silence. 

So anyway I'm bringing chips.

1 hour ago, Nolacycling said:

In a short department meeting w/your wives and Teacher Suzie's b'day lunch comes up."What shall we do? Let's have a nacho bar!"  Yeah let's spend the $ to cook, transport it to school, keep it warm through the morning, have no alcohol, transport home and clean. "   

 " You know Chuy's has a free nacho bar during happy hour. "

 Silence. 

So anyway I'm bringing chips.

how many wives you got?

So I suggested something to help our son out, which she implemented and it seemed to work out very well for him. She then told me that I was right about it this morning and thanked me for it.

Just wanted to get that down on the record.

Mitch, I think I speak for the group when I tell you that your helium balloons for the trash men are much better than a sensible comment from your wife.

15 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

So I suggested something to help our son out, which she implemented and it seemed to work out very well for him. She then told me that I was right about it this morning and thanked me for it.

Just wanted to get that down on the record.

I feel the storm you’re gonna have to navigate this afternoon brewing rt now.  Hang in there bud 

52 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

So I suggested something to help our son out, which she implemented and it seemed to work out very well for him. She then told me that I was right about it this morning and thanked me for it.

Just wanted to get that down on the record.

What kind of chotchke did she buy to commemorate the occasion?

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So apparently we are running all recyclable containers through the dishwasher so they can be clean before we place them in the trash.

13 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

So apparently we are running all recyclable containers through the dishwasher so they can be clean before we place them in the trash.
 

Conservation at its finest 

So I suggested something to help our son out, which she implemented and it seemed to work out very well for him. She then told me that I was right about it this morning and thanked me for it.
Just wanted to get that down on the record.
So now she doesn't interrupt him during those superlong showers and has noticed how much more relaxed he seems to be afterwards?
On 2/15/2019 at 3:03 PM, Victorious1 said:

Last night I get home, eat dinner, go upstairs and turn on the TV and there is a Directv error code 775 bad connection between satellite dish and receiver. I check the coax cable connections, the HDMI connections and pulling the power cable to reset and nothing works.  I have several movies recorded so I turn them on and head to bed after 9pm.

At 5:30am this morning I walk in the family room and the wife is checking the connections at the TV (in other words, fucking shit up).

Me:  "What's up with Directv?"

Wife:  "You need to go outside and check the satellite dish and connections, that's what the error code says".

Me:  "I'm not checking in the dark, I'll have a look at lunch time."

At lunch time I grab a ladder and the satellite is bolted down super tight and all the connections are secure but it dawned on me the wife was painting walls in the kitchen earlier in the week and had unscrewed some outlets.  So I go inside and check the combo outlet with a coax cable and phone cable and sure enough, the coax cable is loose at the connection.

Me:  "Nothing wrong outside".

Wife:  "Directv is coming out at 8am in the morning.  They had promo's so I signed up for free this and free that, all for $8.95 a month".

Me:  "The coax cable is loose on the kitchen outlet."

Wife:  "THAT CABLE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TV.  IT'S FOR THE INTERNET AND PHONE CONNECTIONS".  (Like she's some kind of expert electrician).

I walk into our bedroom and the TV fires up normal...

Me:  "TV in the bedroom works fine now".

Wife turns on the family room TV and it fires up...

I remember when I was a young newlywed, things like that would happen and I'd get a little extra loving for being so helpful and handy...fast forward a few years and all I would get was "tone" and "the look" no handy unless I did it myself.

On 2/17/2019 at 8:36 PM, Brisketexan said:


Dude. Add the fat. Put some bacon grease in the pan, add beans, winning.

Oh Lard, you fuckers crack me up.

 

CHIEF


 
Me to Mrs. Hoffa- Why are you yelling?
Mrs. Hoffa-
268.gif

Holy crap ... this drives me insane. I speak sternly and I’m accused of being an overbearing disciplinarian or managing her and the kids. She yells at the kids, and she is justified and somehow it’s my fault - sometimes for not disciplining the kids enough!
FTS and FML



If you wife looks like that, I would let her yell as much as she wants if I were you.


Nope it ain’t worth it. If you don’t keep that yelling in check, you’ll end up feeding her crazy which can only end badly.

To make matters worse, you’re already starting at a 7 on the cray-meter since the hotter they are the crazier they are (exceptions for late bloomers). Then that shit goes to cray-con 8 - she’s wearing the pants and has this confidence to make you eat shit with a smile, you have no voice, you’re a second class citizen who’s only purpose is to make bank to pay for her extravagant lifestyle, to fix shit around the house, run her errands, and put up with her shit.... plus insert whatever undefeated joke you want.

If it escalates to cray-con 9, you’re getting shit thrown at you, you’re moving out of the bedroom,
still remains undefeated except now you don’t even get a chance to subject yourself to whatever slavery you endured at cray-con 8 in order to get defeated. You begin to sleep with one eye open out of fear.

Remember at 7 you’re starting 3 clicks below cray-con 10 , also known as GAME OVER because you’re either 50% poorer, in jail for domestic abuse, or you’re fucking dead and she’s in jail for first degree.

Yup, not a fan letting the yelling slide...Have mercy, I just realized that a lot of y’all are already at cray-con 8. Be safe and don’t let it escalate.

14 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

So apparently we are running all recyclable containers through the dishwasher so they can be clean before we place them in the trash.
 

This is the opposite of Ms CL. She insists on recycling, but just throws dirty shit straight into the bin.

The instructions are to "rinse out" containers, which I think is the midpoint between Ms CL and the dishwasher.

Totally minor but totally indicative:

Sitting in my study just now working before the kids get up. Ms CL comes charging in to say goodbye before heading to the gym. 

Back door slams and every fucking light is on downstairs. I get up and make a circle through the living room and kitchen and dining room turning off lights then head back to my study.

Literally as soon as my ass hits the chair, I hear the back door open and a flurry of footsteps.

Kitchen light on, living room light on, dining room light on. She digs through her purse, finds whatever she's looking for (pretty sure it was her keys) then WHOOOOSH out the back door again with the lights all on a second time. 

Goddamit. 

One of you guys is a cheap bastard...

2 hours ago, gecko said:

One of you guys is a cheap bastard...

Better caption: Married man finally gets head.

19 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

I remember when I was a young newlywed, things like that would happen and I'd get a little extra loving for being so helpful and handy...fast forward a few years and all I would get was "tone" and "the look" no handy unless I did it myself.

Long hours at work for the last 5 weeks, and Got home last night around 8:30, which was relatively early during this stretch.  Wife informs me sink is leaking, which could mean any of a dozen things, but realized quickly into the cabinet underneath.  By this time, after staying out of her way so she could finish washing dishes (first time in a month or two), mind you, into a sink she knows is leaking, it's too late to hit Home Depot/Lowe's/Ace for parts and supplies, so I decide to wake up early to hit Home Depot when it opens.

6:00 am, I'm at Home Depot, grab what I need, get it mostly installed, and POS Bangladeshi fitting breaks.  It's now closer to 6:45 and kids will be up soon getting ready for school.  I ask her if she wants me to do my normal and make breakfast and lunch or if she's ok if I go to Lowe's to buy a less Bangladeshi part to finish the job.

Wife - "Whatever you think."

Charles - "Depends if you want me to fix the sink this morning or not."

Wife - "Up to you."

Charles - "I'm going to Lowe's, and can help get kids to school after."

 

Return from Lowe's, get sink fixed, and ask where I can jump in to help with getting kids out the door.

Charles - "Do you want me to take #2 to school, then #1?"

Wife - "Looking like that?" (I'm basically in workout gear as I normally drop kids, hit gym, go to work).

Charles - "Well, I'll put on a jacket, then go to the gym."

Wife - "You're so Fucking SELFISH.  Why don't you tell me what you want to do?!!"

Charles - "Um, I just spent nearly 2 hours running around and fixing a sink.  How am I selfish, again?"

 

Tone

 

So, no BJ or even thank you here, either.

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5 minutes ago, AM Wood said:

she's cheating on you.

at least not with the plumber...

How many times are you people going to continue to ask your wives a hundred times what they want?  What they want is for you to just fucking do it.  Jesus, you people bring this shit on yourselves.

18 minutes ago, Charles DeMar said:

at least not with the plumber...

Really?   The plumber was there the day before and screwed it and your wife.

1 hour ago, PilotsError said:

How many times are you people going to continue to ask your wives a hundred times what they want?  What they want is for you to just fucking do it.  Jesus, you people bring this shit on yourselves.

Tone

1 hour ago, PilotsError said:

How many times are you people going to continue to ask your wives a hundred times what they want?  What they want is for you to just fucking do it.  Jesus, you people bring this shit on yourselves.

...so she can tell you it's wrong.  And how you don't ask her what her opinion is any more.  And how her online friend in Bangor Maine told her how to do it.

Jesus Christ, it's like I'm playing cards with my brothers kids...

Wife just called telling me she locked her keys in the car.

Told her to call a locksmith, not driving an hour there and back during rush hour.

‘But the kids have practice at 6’

Yep. And they miss it entirely if I went to take her a key. I can drive the kids to practice.

Tone

2 minutes ago, Flg8rfan said:

Wife just called telling me she locked her keys in the car.

Told her to call a locksmith, not driving an hour there and back during rush hour.

‘But the kids have practice at 6’

Yep. And they miss it entirely if I went to take her a key. I can drive the kids to practice.

Tone

Her stupidity is your fault. Marriage 101

7 minutes ago, Flg8rfan said:

Wife just called telling me she locked her keys in the car.

Told her to call a locksmith, not driving an hour there and back during rush hour.

‘But the kids have practice at 6’

Yep. And they miss it entirely if I went to take her a key. I can drive the kids to practice.

Tone

Just tell her to drive to you and pick up the spare key herself. 

Oh wait...

Update: $40 and 15 minute wait. She will be home to take the girls to practice.

I won this battle but lost the war when we got married. It’s all good. 20 years and we haven’t killed each other yet.

3 hours ago, Flg8rfan said:

20 years and we haven’t killed each other yet.

city-slickers-kill-anyone.gif?w=301&h=22

29 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Ugh. I don’t understand why stuff is getting freezer burn.
216e2a8952954ff56c45bd59a3959711.jpg

Fyi.  You have a wolverine in your freezer.

That’s standard for Mrs T’Boo. You should see the cereal bags. They look like a raptor got after them.

Birds of prey don’t eat cereal/pods

"Hey, I was looking at our credit card statement and there's a $2 charge for 'Enterprise toll charge'. Do you know what that's for?" 

"Do you remember the rental car I had two weeks ago? While I was driving it, I used the toll road." 

"Oh." 

Edited by HornOnTheBayou

Ugh. I don’t understand why stuff is getting freezer burn.
216e2a8952954ff56c45bd59a3959711.jpg


I deal with the same problem...regularly. Posted about it a couple weeks ago.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
19 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

"Hey, I was looking at our credit card statement and there's a $2 charge for 'Enterprise toll charge'. Do you know what that's for?" 

"Do you remember the rental car I had two weeks ago? While I was driving it, I used the toll road." 

"Oh." 

You passed up a chance for some Star Trek humor. 

2 hours ago, El Diablo said:

You passed up a chance for some Star Trek humor. 

Yeah because that’s always a panty dropper.



I deal with the same problem...regularly. Posted about it a couple weeks ago.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Appropriate avatar is appropriate
On 11/21/2018 at 7:19 PM, Nuge said:

So close. 1051eb73805245f95cbc58c142ba82ae.jpg

 

On 11/24/2018 at 11:23 AM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Mine just puts it by the front door for the next time I walk by so I can take it the rest of the way. 

Came home to this last week:

40244259013_e6327f8cf2_z.jpg

1 hour ago, solamente73 said:

 

Came home to this last week:

40244259013_e6327f8cf2_z.jpg

Imagine the mental midget eruption that would occur if the dog tore that bag to shreds before you saw it.   

On 2/23/2019 at 9:43 AM, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Ugh. I don’t understand why stuff is getting freezer burn.
216e2a8952954ff56c45bd59a3959711.jpg

Cheese sticks?

1afbbc4ea9d133292d14947f24b47775.jpg

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