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Shit My Kid Says


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On 11/10/2021 at 7:44 PM, CooterBrown said:

My 9 YO requested the Brazilian steakhouse for her birthday dinner today. Halfway through dinner she proclaimed “I’m a monster. I love lamb.”

 

When my daughter was younger, she called meat "super hero food". My vegetarian wife was not amused.

 

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This one may be super tame compared to most of yall’s spawn but my almost 5yo boy was playing with his toy doctor kit and I was telling him the names of things

Me-Stethoscope, Scalpel, Tweezers, Blood Pressure Cuff…

Boy-”No!”

Me-Yes, that’s a Blood Pressure Cuff

Boy-”No, it’s a cheese pocket” 

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On 11/16/2021 at 8:46 AM, TKthunder2 said:

This one may be super tame compared to most of yall’s spawn but my almost 5yo boy was playing with his toy doctor kit and I was telling him the names of things

Me-Stethoscope, Scalpel, Tweezers, Blood Pressure Cuff…

Boy-”No!”

Me-Yes, that’s a Blood Pressure Cuff

Boy-”No, it’s a cheese pocket” 

I'm trying really hard... but I got nothing on a cheese pocket.

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We are playing 911/police officer.

 

4yr old daughter:  “Officer dadda, someone stole my backpack with my stuffies in it!”

Me: “ Oh no, don’t worry Ill help. What did the bad guy look like?”

daughter:  “He was brown with a hat”

Me: “………..uhhhh……brown…how?”

daughter: “He had a brown hat!!”

Me: “(oh, thank God) No worries! Officer Dadda is on the case!”

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On 11/21/2021 at 9:52 AM, Doc Reeves said:

We are playing 911/police officer.

 

4yr old daughter:  “Officer dadda, someone stole my backpack with my stuffies in it!”

Me: “ Oh no, don’t worry Ill help. What did the bad guy look like?”

daughter:  “He was brown with a hat”

Me: “………..uhhhh……brown…how?”

daughter: “He had a brown hat!!”

Me: “(oh, thank God) No worries! Officer Dadda is on the case!”

Too late... She's gonna frame the browns.

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9 YO at dinner: “Mom is acting like a lil fucker.”

Me: “we don’t talk like that regardless of how your mom talks.”

9 YO looking confused and then slowly: “I said Lord Farquaad.”

I don’t know if I believe her.

That would have gotten me punched in the face at 9.
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On 11/29/2021 at 7:00 PM, Doc Reeves said:

Also, for some reason my 4yo daughter is under the impression that one day her mom and I will grow smaller and become babies like she was and she will care for us. I have no idea who told her that but it’s been pretty hard to convince her the world works otherwise 

Well, aside from the getting younger and smaller...if she's a good girl she more than likely will be taking care of you.

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Visiting family in Arizona and hiking through the mountains with them the other day when my youngest sister stumbles and scrapes her knee. It’s not bad just needs to be washed and have a little rubbing alcohol put on it. As we’re bandaging her she says “well at least this is better than psoriasis.”

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8 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Today I learned that the Titanic sank because someone woke up a mummy. 

Also, Doomlet told me the other day that he's going to carry a dinner fork with him on Halloween next year to defend himself from zombies. 

He should also take a pumpkin knife. You know, just in case the demon gourd comes to life.

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17 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Mrs. Doom's parents brought their Boston Terrier over to our house for Christmas dinner. 

At one point later on in the evening when all of the adults were just kind of sitting around in a stupor, Doomlet casually sauntered up to me and whispered in my ear, "I was just looking at the dog's butthole. Don't tell Mom." 

Fascinating, the boy has already chosen a career path. Say hello to Dr. Doomlet, future proctologist! 

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17 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Mrs. Doom's parents brought their Boston Terrier over to our house for Christmas dinner. 

At one point later on in the evening when all of the adults were just kind of sitting around in a stupor, Doomlet casually sauntered up to me and whispered in my ear, "I was just looking at the dog's butthole. Don't tell Mom." 

Interesting boy you're raising there, Doom.  Interesting indeed.

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17 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Mrs. Doom's parents brought their Boston Terrier over to our house for Christmas dinner. 

At one point later on in the evening when all of the adults were just kind of sitting around in a stupor, Doomlet casually sauntered up to me and whispered in my ear, "I was just looking at the dog's butthole. Don't tell Mom." 

Not going to have to tell mom anything, the pink eye will give him away.

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My daughter breaks containment and runs to our bedroom to jump on our bed. It’s brand new so it’s been a bit of a battle between us. 
 

twin 4 yo sister while sitting on the couch with me:  “Go Abby! Go! Go!!”

*looks at me, pauses, smiles*

”dammit”

 

suddenly, I’m the one in trouble. 

Edited by Doc Reeves
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Didn't want to start a new thread but. 

My oldest has a one year old. In mid 20's - The three of them are going through the normal mid 20's with a kid problems. Not enough money. Not enough time.

Been going back and forth about paying off her truck for her. Part of me is like - yeah that would really help them. Other part of me is like "let them grow up. They're doing a hell of alot better than I was at that age. don't interfere with it"

I took the afternoon off with just me and the 2.5 yo girl. She smashed her finger and was crying and asked me to kiss it better. Afterwards she was all smiles and laughs. I wish it always stayed this easy....

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16 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet is allowed to play games on Mrs. Doom's old phone for two 15 minute periods per day. We're fairly involved in making sure that he only plays games that have a bunch of downloads (i.e., let others be the early adopters in case of malware, etc.), that don't have in-app purchases, aren't violent in nature, and don't have in-game communication between players. 

He just showed her some level achievement or whatever that he was proud of, and then the game cycled to the high score board, at which point she was alarmed to see that one player in the game was called "Fat Cat Poop In A Jar" and worried that maybe this game wasn't appropriate for him. 

... 

As I'm sure that regular readers of this thread have already anticipated, Doomlet's screen name in that game is none other than Fat Cat Poop In A Jar. 

Will that also be his Surly handle?

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