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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

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Wife has been on a run lately:

Last night leaving the restaurant she was pulling on both doors.

Wife: The doors won't open.

Me: That's because they say "Push".

Wife says "Oh" and starts laughing.

Wife: That's what happens when I drink beer.

She had half a Lone Star.

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My last post on the old board regarding wives was my wife's inability to remember the difference between Kansas and Kansas State.  Guess what we just discussed after she realized that Kansas was in the final 4?

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1 hour ago, Modessit said:

Wife has been on a run lately:

Last night leaving the restaurant she was pulling on both doors.

Wife: The doors won't open.

Me: That's because they say "Push".

Wife says "Oh" and starts laughing.

Wife: That's what happens when I drink beer.

She had half a Lone Star.

midvale+school+for+the+gifted.jpg

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8 minutes ago, Modessit said:

I showed her this picture when we got into the car.

"LOL.  I told you I was gifted. Now give me money to go buy shoes."

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28 minutes ago, PhillyD said:

My last post on the old board regarding wives was my wife's inability to remember the difference between Kansas and Kansas State.  Guess what we just discussed after she realized that Kansas was in the final 4?

how a football school made it to the frozen 4 is an incredible achievement on the ball diamond?

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54 minutes ago, Buzzrock said:

So apparently Dr Evil was based on the Bond villain, Blowfish.

Also, my wife now has a new nickname.

This pleases me.

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Good luck with April Fools today, guys.  I just heard from her about how the SA zoo will be opening a new cloned dinosaur exhibit.  It's on facebook and everything.  I asked her what the date was today, but she countered that the post was from yesterday.

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Driving Topeka to Wichita for Easter lunch, pass a highway sign that says something to the effect of "drivers in other lanes prefer you playing a zone as opposed to a man-to-man defense when driving in their lane"

to which I replied, "is that really a good reference? Would women understand that?"

her "Oh stop, everyone knows man to man defense is about football!"

I rest my case.

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My wife is having a girls' weekend at the lake house, and has finally realized she doesn't know how to do anything out there besides drink craft beer and boss me around.  While we were out there last weekend she wanted me to show her how shit works out there.   I was showing her how to drive the Mule we have to take the trash to the dumpster.  

There is a parking brake handle to the left of the steering wheel and a gear shift on right with...

L
H
N
R

She asked where the "D" for Drive was, which was stupid but I don't fault her too much for that.  I tell her to put it in "H" and we drive to dumpster.  She then puts it in "R" and starts to open the door to get out.  I ask what the hell she's doing and she said "What??  I put it in "R" for Park."

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4 minutes ago, Angry Gorilla said:

My wife is having a girls' weekend at the lake house, and has finally realized she doesn't know how to do anything out there besides drink craft beer and boss me around.  While we were out there last weekend she wanted me to show her how shit works out there.   I was showing her how to drive the Mule we have to take the trash to the dumpster.  

There is a parking brake handle to the left of the steering wheel and a gear shift on right with...

L
H
N
R

She asked where the "D" for Drive was, which was stupid but I don't fault her too much for that.  I tell her to put it in "H" and we drive to dumpster.  She then puts it in "R" and starts to open the door to get out.  I ask what the hell she's doing and she said "What??  I put it in "R" for Park."

Damn.

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On 3/31/2018 at 7:42 AM, Vic said:

At Costco getting gas and wife sees a Prius getting gas.

she asks, “why is that hybrid getting gas?”

just give her the “wtf” look, and said cause hybrids run on gas AND electricity.

”ohhhhhh ya, forgot about that first part”

On the bright side, she coulda forgot AFTER you bought her one.

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Was outside doing yard work over the weekend, so I was hot and pissed about some things. Hadn't said much to her earlier in the day.  She comes out to do some work in the flowerbed and says "What's wrong"?

Me: Nothing

Her: I know you are mad about something. What's wrong?

Me: Nothing

Her: Well, why aren't you talking to me? What's wrong?

Me: Nothing

Her: Then why aren't you talking.

Me: I don't want to talk about it.

Her: Okay. See that is all you had to say.

I know if I had started off with "I don't want to talk about it", I would have still received the "What's wrong" question. 

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23 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Wife got 2.5 y/o daughter about small 600 stickers in her easter basket/egg hunt. *sigh*

Rage.  You'll be picking those off of all of the furniture and walls in your daughter's room for the next three years.  Hate that shit.

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36 minutes ago, Both Tacos said:

Was outside doing yard work over the weekend, so I was hot and pissed about some things. Hadn't said much to her earlier in the day.  She comes out to do some work in the flowerbed and says "What's wrong"?

Me: Nothing

Her: I know you are mad about something. What's wrong?

Me: Nothing

Her: Well, why aren't you talking to me? What's wrong?

Me: Nothing

Her: Then why aren't you talking.

Me: I don't want to talk about it.

Her: Okay. See that is all you had to say.

I know if I had started off with "I don't want to talk about it", I would have still received the "What's wrong" question. 

Now she knows how husbands/boyfriends feel. 

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20 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

Driving Topeka to Wichita for Easter lunch, pass a highway sign that says something to the effect of "drivers in other lanes prefer you playing a zone as opposed to a man-to-man defense when driving in their lane"

to which I replied, "is that really a good reference? Would women understand that?"

her "Oh stop, everyone knows man to man defense is about football!"

I rest my case.

Women drive on family vacation trips?

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Women drive on family vacation trips?

An associate at my firm drives on vacation bc her husband wants to play on his iPad.

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If I'm in the car, I'm driving.

The only time I don't drive is if I'm sick, drunk, or can't stay awake. When we went to a family reunion up north this past summer, I started running a fever in Oklahoma and could barely kept my eyes open. My wife drove almost all the way through Kansas while I got some sleep.

 

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On 3/31/2018 at 4:36 PM, Teddyballgame said:

I was driving to dinner last night, my wife asked what Smith and Main meant on the navigation map.   

once had a girlfriend thank me for explaining what the red/yellow/green shading meant on the roads on her navigation system.... past tense

Edited by bluto

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Wife just got a new car, and she drives it all the time.  Also, she's pregnant, and suffers from motion sickness lately.  Trick I learned when hungover as shit on a boat one day:  If you're in control / driving, your far less likely to get motion sickness.  If we're going somewhere, it's more likely than not in her car, and she's driving.

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11 hours ago, Modessit said:

The only time I don't drive is if I'm sick, drunk, or can't stay awake. When we went to a family reunion up north this past summer, I started running a fever in Oklahoma and could barely kept my eyes open. My wife drove almost all the way through Kansas while I got some sleep.

 

That might be a world distance record.

I asked the girlfriend to drive in Kansas and I woke up to a cop pulling us over.

me "Why were you speeding ?"

her "I thought it would make the time go by quicker"

 

 

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15 hours ago, Both Tacos said:
16 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:
Now she knows how husbands/boyfriends feel. 

Shit, if I ask what's wrong and she says Nothing, I just keep walking.

You insensitive bastard.

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15 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

If I'm in the car, I'm driving.

We drive to Colorado every summer for vacation.  I let her drive maybe 1 hour each way just to take a break.

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Last year at Christmas, we were driving from Austin to my parents' house in Houston. She and I have done the Austin to Houston drive a million times. Around Giddings, I start feeling sick and I ask her to drive. I got in the passenger seat and try to go to sleep. I fell asleep for a little bit and when I opened my eyes, we were in a neighborhood. My first thought was, "Wow, I slept the whole way to the house." Then I realized that this was not my parents' neighborhood.

"Hey, where are we?"
"I missed the 290 turn in Brenham."
"OK, but that doesn't really answer the question. How long ago did that happen?"
"About 20 minutes"
"Why didn't you just turn around when you realized the mistake or wake me up?"
"Well, blah blah blah blah blah blah..."

And that's when I remembered why I never let her drive.

Edited by HornOnTheBayou

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Last year at Christmas, we were driving from Austin to my parents' house in Houston. She and I have done the Austin to Houston drive a million times. Around Giddings, I start feeling sick and I ask her to drive. I got in the passenger seat and try to go to sleep. I fell asleep for a little bit and when I opened my eyes, we were in a neighborhood. My first thought was, "Wow, I slept the whole way to the house." Then I realized that this was not my parents' neighborhood.
"Hey, where are we?"
"I missed the 290 turn in Brenham."
"OK, but that doesn't really answer the question. How long ago did that happen?"
"About 20 minutes"
"Why didn't you just turn around when you realized the mistake or wake me up?"
"Well, blah blah blah blah blah blah..."
And that's when I remembered why I never let her drive.


It’s all your fault because you didn’t wake up when she missed the turn. Asshole.

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I just put the GPS Navigation up and she followed directions. She just had to drive up the 35 toll in Kansas, but if she got off for some reason it would take her right back to the proper route.

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On 3/31/2018 at 12:25 PM, Modessit said:

Wife has been on a run lately:

Last night leaving the restaurant she was pulling on both doors.

Wife: The doors won't open.

Me: That's because they say "Push".

Wife says "Oh" and starts laughing.

Wife: That's what happens when I drink beer.

She had half a Lone Star.

It only takes a half a beer?  

On 4/2/2018 at 4:38 PM, Angry Gorilla said:

My wife is having a girls' weekend at the lake house, and has finally realized she doesn't know how to do anything out there besides drink craft beer and boss me around.  While we were out there last weekend she wanted me to show her how shit works out there.   I was showing her how to drive the Mule we have to take the trash to the dumpster.  

There is a parking brake handle to the left of the steering wheel and a gear shift on right with...

L
H
N
R

She asked where the "D" for Drive was, which was stupid but I don't fault her too much for that.  I tell her to put it in "H" and we drive to dumpster.  She then puts it in "R" and starts to open the door to get out.  I ask what the hell she's doing and she said "What??  I put it in "R" for Park."

My daughter thought R was for run.  I just sighed and reminded her to put it in D for dipshit.  She will make some poor Schmo a great wife in th future.

Edited by ShowmeyourTDs

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My daughter thought R was for run.  I just sighed and reminded her to put it in D for dipshit.  She will make some poor Schmo a great wife in th future.

Really similar to sending out non boating people in rent boats.... always got asked where was the break. Be careful out on the lakes where rent boats are.m available.

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On 4/2/2018 at 5:38 PM, Angry Gorilla said:

My wife is having a girls' weekend at the lake house, and has finally realized she doesn't know how to do anything out there besides drink craft beer and boss me around.  While we were out there last weekend she wanted me to show her how shit works out there.   I was showing her how to drive the Mule we have to take the trash to the dumpster.  

There is a parking brake handle to the left of the steering wheel and a gear shift on right with...

L
H
N
R

She asked where the "D" for Drive was, which was stupid but I don't fault her too much for that.  I tell her to put it in "H" and we drive to dumpster.  She then puts it in "R" and starts to open the door to get out.  I ask what the hell she's doing and she said "What??  I put it in "R" for Park."

well yeah, "R" means "Rest" which is what the Mule does in Park, amiright?

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9 hours ago, Modessit said:

I just put the GPS Navigation up and she followed directions. She just had to drive up the 35 toll in Kansas, but if she got off for some reason it would take her right back to the proper route.

My wife looks at the GPS like it's some sort of alien cuneiform.  

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My wife brought up the Toy's-R-Us Go Fund Me campaign last night that's now over 200MM. I made the offhanded comment about not understanding why people would want to donate to save a store that they obviously don't shop at. I learned a short time later that we are apparently people that would contribute to a Go Fund me campaign to save a store we don't shop at.

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13 minutes ago, EE2B said:

My wife brought up the Toy's-R-Us Go Fund Me campaign last night that's now over 200MM. I made the offhanded comment about not understanding why people would want to donate to save a store that they obviously don't shop at. I learned a short time later that we are apparently people that would contribute to a Go Fund me campaign to save a store we don't shop at.

Wait a minute....  this is a real thing?  People have sent in 200m American dollars to save a store that is failing? Jesus. What has social media done to this country. 

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