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-So poor they couldn’t rub two nickels together

-drunker than Ted Kennedy 

-hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock

-higher than a giraffe’s ass 

-rode hard and put up wet 

-Don’t get your dobber in the dirt

 

 

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might can _______ ... (used wherever you'd say "might be able to ______)

He looked like all the cheese slid off his cracker.

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His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top

Few bricks shy of a load

As nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs

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Sweatin' like a guy from Indiana tryin' to read. 

I'm so angry I could back up to a doorknob and bite it off. 

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1 hour ago, Sam Lin said:

might can _______ ... (used wherever you'd say "might be able to ______)

He looked like all the cheese slid off his cracker.

I prefer might could 

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5 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

I prefer might could 

Used to could for past tense 

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Two from my grandmother:

well I’ll swanny (a general purpose exclamation denoting surprise, especially for kids stuff). “Hey grandma, I win the spelling bee!”  Well I’ll swanny!  No idea what that means. 
 

What the Sam Hill is going on here?  No idea the origin of this phrase. 
 

anything that we’re “fixin” to do. 

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17 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

 

anything that we’re “fixin” to do. 

Pronounced "fittin-duh". "I'm fittin-duh go to HEB...if they are open."

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7 minutes ago, Not that Bob said:

Pronounced "fittin-duh". "I'm fittin-duh go to HEB...if they are open."

actually, the really shorthand version is finna:  "I'm finna go get some beer, want a couple cases?"

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14 hours ago, RPM said:

Even a blind sow finds an acorn now and then.

The sun shines on a dog's asshole every now and then. 

Here's a geographic plot of the different regional terms to describe rain when it's sunny out. Lots of other neat stuff in here, too. 

https://www4.uwm.edu/FLL/linguistics/dialect/staticmaps/q_80.html

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Momma's biscuits taste so good if you put one on top of your head your tongue would beat your brains out trying to get to it.

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I was shaking like a dog shittin peach seeds.

We were so broke we couldn't pay attention.

We didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.

He was richer than 3 feet up a bull's ass.

That boy couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

You got zach-lees breath - your breath smell zachlees like your asshole.

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Came to post Devil Beating his Wife but see that's covered. I thought it sounded cool as a kid but now I'm thinking WTF?  Who comes up with something like that.  And what is it supposed to mean, the sunny raindrops are the wife's tears?

My mee maw would always say "You don't mean it!"  in hard Texas drawl whenever I told her some dumb kid story.  It was meant kind of like, "That's fantastic!"   She'd say it over and over and I'd just nod my head and smile.

Grandpa told me I was "grinning like a dog eating shit" when he bought me a Chunky one time.

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I'll put a knot on your head, so big, a calf could suck it.

If I could buy you for what you think you're worth and sell you for what you're really worth, I would be a rich man.

Having you help me, is like losing three good men.

She/he is so ugly they have to drink curdled milk.

It was cut out right, but sewed up wrong. (poor design)

His/her teeth are so crocked, they could eat corn on the cob through a tennis racket.

She should sue the city for building the sidewalk too close to her ass. (short)

The Good Lord split her a long way before he decided to punch a hole. (My granddad used to say this when he saw a long legged woman)

One of my own:

My town was so small, that the city limit signs entering and leaving town were on the same post.

 

CHIEF

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7 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

He's got dunlap disease - his belly dun laped his belt buckle.

I’ve heard: He suffer in’ from a hangover.  His belly hangover his belt 

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10 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

Two from my grandmother:

well I’ll swanny (a general purpose exclamation denoting surprise, especially for kids stuff). “Hey grandma, I win the spelling bee!”  Well I’ll swanny!  No idea what that means. 
 

What the Sam Hill is going on here?  No idea the origin of this phrase. 
 

anything that we’re “fixin” to do. 

Swanny or swan was discussed on a Way With Words on NPR.  It is a contraction of the phrase "I shall warrant," as in I do declare, or I swear.

Strangely enough, to "swear" (as in a solemn oath) was thought, like more conventional cuss or swear words, to be sacrilegious.  So there were a number of ways of saying basically "I swear" that danced around the swearing part.

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That's uglier than a bull's nuts tied up with a log chain.

If that kid's brains were gas, it wouldn't get a piss-ant's motorcycle around a BB.

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If it ain't broke don't need fixin

Not the sharpest tool in the shed

Lefty loosy righy tighty

Pigs ass and cabbage (this comes from a Irish country woman. My friends mom who grew up on a farm in Ireland. It means essentially, "what ever the fuck, doesn't make a shit" as it's the ingredients for a stew when you've got nothing else, specifically, potatoes.

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I'm so broke that if it cost a dollar to go around the world, I couldn't afford to get outta sight.

Screwed up like bubblegum

Dumber than a day-old aggie

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He's so small-brained that if you put it in a bug, it'd roll around like a BB in a boxcar.

He's only good for 2 things... fuckin and fryin meat.

If you're waiting on me, you're backing up.

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I'd rather have it and not need it, then need it and not have it.

Some good ones on this page, I'm going to try to remember this'un - "It was cut out right, but sewed up wrong." thanks @CHIEF

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If it were a snake, it woulda bit me.

He's too old to cut the mustard. (from a song or a song was written about the countryism)

Were you raised in a barn?  (If you didn't close a door behind you.)

A day late and a dollar short.

Little pitchers have big ears.

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On 1/13/2020 at 8:25 AM, CycleTex87 said:

Two from my grandmother:

well I’ll swanny (a general purpose exclamation denoting surprise, especially for kids stuff). “Hey grandma, I win the spelling bee!”  Well I’ll swanny!  No idea what that means. 
 

What the Sam Hill is going on here?  No idea the origin of this phrase. 
 

anything that we’re “fixin” to do. 

I think you grandmother knew my grandmother.

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On 1/12/2020 at 12:22 PM, Dennis Taylor said:

Had a roommate from Gilmer and when hung over it was "I feel like I got ate by a bear and shit off a cliff " 

RIP JLG, and fuck cancer

My grandmother (from Robstown) would say: "I feel like I been shot at and missed and shit at and hit."

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