Jump to content
ROFL BOX

Shit My Kid Says

Recommended Posts

1 hour ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

Not so much shit my kid says story, but rather shit my kid destroys story:

 

Sunday, wife has a baby shower to go to. Somebody rented out a room at the country club. She takes our daughter because some other attendees' kids with whom my daughter is friends will be there. Apparently kids get bored, so they go outside, end up on the practice putting green, take the little flags out of the putting green holes, and go to town on the putting green grass with the heavy end of the flags. They used the end of the flag to punch holes all over the green, and used the heavy round thing on the bottom of the flag to gouge furrows into the green.

I get a call from wife. I go to country club. Grounds keeper shows me the damage. Pretty fucking bad. Green is really fucked up.

I have no idea how much this will cost me. Five kids total involved, only one was mine. So 1/5 of a shitload is how much?

Mother fucker. Mother. Fucker.

Might be slightly less of a problem given that it's December and not peak season? 

If it makes you feel any better, my idiot friends and I set the rough behind the third green at our country club on fire by playing with matches during a drought back in the '80s. Burned about a football field's worth of rough, right next to the driveway into the club.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

Not so much shit my kid says story, but rather shit my kid destroys story:

 

Sunday, wife has a baby shower to go to. Somebody rented out a room at the country club. She takes our daughter because some other attendees' kids with whom my daughter is friends will be there. Apparently kids get bored, so they go outside, end up on the practice putting green, take the little flags out of the putting green holes, and go to town on the putting green grass with the heavy end of the flags. They used the end of the flag to punch holes all over the green, and used the heavy round thing on the bottom of the flag to gouge furrows into the green.

I get a call from wife. I go to country club. Grounds keeper shows me the damage. Pretty fucking bad. Green is really fucked up.

I have no idea how much this will cost me. Five kids total involved, only one was mine. So 1/5 of a shitload is how much?

Mother fucker. Mother. Fucker.

Should've said "fuck golf" and walked away. What's he gonna do? Jump you?

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Watching Star wars with my 7 y/o for the first time. Early on the Storm troopers are marching rebels out with their hands on their heads. He deadpans "surrender cobra". I laughed. One of the best moments ever. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/16/2019 at 8:00 PM, High Plains Drifter said:

 

Not so much shit my kid says story, but rather shit my kid destroys story:

 

Sunday, wife has a baby shower to go to. Somebody rented out a room at the country club. She takes our daughter because some other attendees' kids with whom my daughter is friends will be there. Apparently kids get bored, so they go outside, end up on the practice putting green, take the little flags out of the putting green holes, and go to town on the putting green grass with the heavy end of the flags. They used the end of the flag to punch holes all over the green, and used the heavy round thing on the bottom of the flag to gouge furrows into the green.

I get a call from wife. I go to country club. Grounds keeper shows me the damage. Pretty fucking bad. Green is really fucked up.

I have no idea how much this will cost me. Five kids total involved, only one was mine. So 1/5 of a shitload is how much?

Mother fucker. Mother. Fucker.

Get your divot tool and start fixing. Unless they were removing turf it's all fixable. Grass is strong. It heals. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/22/2019 at 6:54 PM, High Plains Drifter said:

Update: Country club asked for 250$ in damages. I have no idea how they came to that number. So, 50$ for my kid's 1/5. I paid it. Other parent agreed to pay 200$. Its coming out of her allowance/christmas money. 

What kind of broke ass country club asks a grown adult for $250? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/27/2019 at 10:47 AM, StruggleBus said:

What kind of broke ass country club asks a grown adult for $250? 

Lol. I assumed he was talking about $250,000.  I was impressed that @High Plains Drifter casually forked over $50k like it was nothing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The youngest.  7.

Visiting great grandma in TN.  She's in very poor health.  As we're leaving, wife whispers to Fin, "Go tell her bye.  It'll probably be the last time."

He runs over and says, "Bye.  Probably for the last time."

 

Next day we're eating at the Dog Haus in Murfreesboro.  ToGo containers have the motto, "We love our weiners".  He didn't get it, so I had to explain to him that that's what some people call their "P's".  He giggled a bit.  He asked what else people call their weiners.  I said, "Some call it a snake."  Without even a hesitation, he states, "Yep.  I call mine a big, fat snake sometimes."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet just saw the Western Kentucky Hilltopper mascot and asked if it was supposed to be a happy poop. 

Please tell me you said yes.  Lie to me if you have to.

 

5 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

The youngest.  7.

Visiting great grandma in TN.  She's in very poor health.  As we're leaving, wife whispers to Fin, "Go tell her bye.  It'll probably be the last time."

He runs over and says, "Bye.  Probably for the last time."

 

Next day we're eating at the Dog Haus in Murfreesboro.  ToGo containers have the motto, "We love our weiners".  He didn't get it, so I had to explain to him that that's what some people call their "P's".  He giggled a bit.  He asked what else people call their weiners.  I said, "Some call it a snake."  Without even a hesitation, he states, "Yep.  I call mine a big, fat snake sometimes."

maxresdefault.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We had a bunch of friends and family over today for an early lunch, a few folks, SIL/BIL etc. stuck around a while longer.

Watching the game on the couch my youngest (5) was snuggling with his aunt who had this soft blouse throwover whatever thing on.

The youngest is very tactile. Really digging the soft fabric and what not. Commented to the aunt.

"This would be even better with my pants off."

 

Dude knows whats up. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Neighbors were having a party tonight. 10yo and wife were ready to go home.

Wife to 9yo: Get your shoes on we're leaving.

9yo: You go, I'm staying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/30/2019 at 11:49 AM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Doomlet just saw the Western Kentucky Hilltopper mascot and asked if it was supposed to be a happy poop. 

A bloody, happy poop?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yesterday, I hop out of the shower and my 11yo has a buddy and his parents over to take him to the Rockets game... So I threw on a Superman tshirt, that ive had for 15+ years, and some suspicious shorts to go say hello and see them off...

11yo: "Dad, you only wear like four shirts."

Me: "Yep, this is one of them... but it has a little hole, so I gotta get rid of it."

11yo: "Nah. Keep it and just wear it around the house."

I feel like Black Superman.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Around Halloween my 6 year old comes up with what she's swears is her own joke. 

"What did the poop say to the toilet?"  "Can I jump in your pool?" 

Not sure I believe her, but she always trying to make poop jokes so maybe she did.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My kid is 7. At some point I've shown him the land shark shit from SNL on YouTube.  

So he gets this blanket thing for Christmas that has a hood on it and the hood is a shark head. This morning I hear him in this little voice saying "telegram"....."candy gram"..... "Plumber".... Then he comes running in yelling land shark.  No idea how he pulled that one up in the memory bank. 

I have no clue how I ended up with this little stud but I was in tears. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

15d: “I didn’t want you to come back home, mom let’s us do whatever we want.... you’re more fun than mom.”

Same general conversation

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My kids are too old for the cute unintentionally funny stuff anymore but today over breakfast my 12 year old says, "Hey Dad you like Imagine Dragons?"

I don't but I can see there's a joke involved so I go along with it.  "Yeah."

"Imagine Dragon deez nutz across your face!  Ohhhhh!!!"

That's Sunday mornings in my house.  So if you're wondering which kid at school teaches your kid shit like this, it's mine.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We were discussing dates of a trip this summer. 9yo realizes dates we'd be gone include his birthday.

9yo: we can't go then

wife: those are the only days that will work.

9yo: fine, we can go, but I am going to ruin your birthday.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Kids (10) discussing the apocalypse, as they do:  dad, why don’t cannibals eat each other?
Dad: Because they wear clown costumes.

Kid: Why would clown costumes stop them from eating each other?

Dad: It makes them taste funny.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dad: Because they wear clown costumes.

Kid: Why would clown costumes stop them from eating each other?

Dad: It makes them taste funny.
#DadJoke

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
My kids are too old for the cute unintentionally funny stuff anymore but today over breakfast my 12 year old says, "Hey Dad you like Imagine Dragons?"
I don't but I can see there's a joke involved so I go along with it.  "Yeah."
"Imagine Dragon deez nutz across your face!  Ohhhhh!!!"
That's Sunday mornings in my house.  So if you're wondering which kid at school teaches your kid shit like this, it's mine.  



Yep, my son had the same joke for me about a year ago, might have even posted it here. I laughed and said good one. Then he promptly turned to his mom when she came into the room and told it again. She was not amused.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When my oldest daughter was 4 or 5 she was sitting next to her mom.  My wife smelled a fart and asked if it was her.  
She replied, “That was just a gentle hello.”

Gentle hello has replaced SBD in our house ever since.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Driving home this afternoon and my 8 year old boy asks for my phone from the back seat.

I ask "what do you need it for?" to which he replies, "something". Mmhmm.

I hand him the phone and he asks how to get the Bluetooth to work. I change the settings on the stereo and let him know he can play whatever song he wants.

This is what came out of the speakers:
"dada how was your morning poop and how was your night time poop and was it a whopper and more poop oh and dada do you like poop and more poop ? and does mama like poop well mama better like poop right? butt I like poop and pee and farts and butts"

Apparently he was fooling with Google translate. Got to hear this gem repeatedly for the next 15 minutes of our drive.

I really only have myself to blame.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Driving home this afternoon and my 8 year old boy asks for my phone from the back seat.

I ask "what do you need it for?" to which he replies, "something". Mmhmm.

I hand him the phone and he asks how to get the Bluetooth to work. I change the settings on the stereo and let him know he can play whatever song he wants.

This is what came out of the speakers:
"dada how was your morning poop and how was your night time poop and was it a whopper and more poop oh and dada do you like poop and more poop ? and does mama like poop well mama better like poop right? butt I like poop and pee and farts and butts"

Apparently he was fooling with Google translate. Got to hear this gem repeatedly for the next 15 minutes of our drive.

I really only have myself to blame.

If he’s into poo, he will definitely like TOS.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

At the kids school tonight for bingo. Nothing like getting kids into gambling at an early age.

9yo: "this is so fucking rigged"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


mpu


Football ... Basketball ... Baseball ... Other Sports ... Recruiting ... Gambling ... Movies & TV ... Music ... Hobbies ... Lulz ... Food & Travel ... Daily Texan ... Help ... For Sale ... Politics ... Board Discussion
×
×
  • Create New...