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Prepuce of Doom

Shart Thread 2019: Year of the Squirt

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I would not recommend having a big glass of Metamucil the morning after having a large salad for dinner. Speaking from personal experience.

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My insides have been torn ass-under from this morning's biscuits & gravy at Waterloo.  I may not live through the night.

 

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My fears have come to fruition, I just shit my pants at work.

 I took my routine late morning dump at about 10:00 thus the ROE was "weapons free".

I took advantage of the brisk cold front that blew in last night to step out of the office and fire off a few salvos into that stiff northern wind.

It was at the tail end of a triumphant 14 second rattling apreggio when I heard and felt the pitch shift from Sahara to Louisiana.

I waddled my way to the men's room and sure enough, the back of my drawers had been peppered with chocolate bird shot.

Now I'm stuck on the toilet with no skivvies and an itchy asshole, how's your Friday going? 

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Totally forgot this thread and I joined the club 10-24-18

Was a heavy driving day at work and decided I’d eat Taco Bell for lunch. As I’m driving about an hour later I get the urge to puke but don’t.

Get to a site and check things out and need to pee. So I hop out and start to pee and feel the urge to fart. Next thing I know I’m standing there with hot mustard in my pants. Luckily I keep an extra tshirt or two in the truck and I used it for clean up. Made the call of shame to the boss and went home.

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On 10/25/2019 at 2:36 PM, Kavinsky said:

My fears have come to fruition, I just shit my pants at work.

 I took my routine late morning dump at about 10:00 thus the ROE was "weapons free".

I took advantage of the brisk cold front that blew in last night to step out of the office and fire off a few salvos into that stiff northern wind.

It was at the tail end of a triumphant 14 second rattling apreggio when I heard and felt the pitch shift from Sahara to Louisiana.

I waddled my way to the men's room and sure enough, the back of my drawers had been peppered with chocolate bird shot.

Now I'm stuck on the toilet with no skivvies and an itchy asshole, how's your Friday going? 

Have you authored a novel?

That is the most amazing depiction of shart horror I have ever read.

Edited by MissingInAction

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On 10/25/2019 at 3:31 PM, Fudbelty said:

Totally forgot this thread and I joined the club 10-24-18

Was a heavy driving day at work and decided I’d eat Taco Bell for lunch. As I’m driving about an hour later I get the urge to puke but don’t.

Get to a site and check things out and need to pee. So I hop out and start to pee and feel the urge to fart. Next thing I know I’m standing there with hot mustard in my pants. Luckily I keep an extra tshirt or two in the truck and I used it for clean up. Made the call of shame to the boss and went home.

It's no water-into-wine but turning Taco Bell into hot pants mustard is indeed considered a lower-tier miracle. 

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A buddy of mine got a surprise pegging the other night and has been in fear of sharting ever since. Says his balloon knot feels like it isn't shut all the way. 

 

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I picked up some kind of sinus virus which made for a strange craving for a McRib (no judging)...Will check back shortly.  

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3 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I'm almost afraid to ask, but how does one get a "surprise pegging"

Never been passed out drunk in a women's prison, I take it.

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9 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

A buddy of mine got a surprise pegging the other night and has been in fear of sharting ever since. Says his balloon knot feels like it isn't shut all the way. 

can you flesh this story out a bit?

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10 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

A buddy of mine got a surprise pegging the other night and has been in fear of sharting ever since. Says his balloon knot feels like it isn't shut all the way. 

 

So many questions.

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17 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

A buddy of mine got a surprise pegging the other night and has been in fear of sharting ever since. Says his balloon knot feels like it isn't shut all the way. 

 

The epitome of doing it wrong.

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A buddy of mine got a surprise pegging the other night and has been in fear of sharting ever since. Says his balloon knot feels like it isn't shut all the way. 
 


dcda4aa0b09509e8b0a36c1785a1b2d0.jpg

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8 hours ago, futureman said:

can you flesh this story out a bit?

So the story goes he was downtown at one of the fancier/douchier establishments on Rainey Street. It's getting close to closing and people are starting to empty out when this total smoke show approaches him, and starts talking him up. Eventually she asks him back to her place, and of course he agrees. They get an uber she is all over him, and the uber driver had to yell at them not to fuck in his backseat.

They get to her place in westlake, huge house right by the lake. So they go inside and she leads him into the living room where there is plastic laid out on the floor. Dude is thinking he is about to get murdered when she pulls his pants down and starts blowing him. She tells him to let her know when he's close, so he does and BLAMMO! 

She shoves a butt plug up his ass  then pulls it out while he showers her face and simultaneously proceeds to shit uncontrollably. So the combination of climaxing, shitting, and realizing he was NOT about to be murdered was too much to handle and he collapsed on the couch away from the shit covered plastic. Meanwhile she starts rolling around in the shit smearing it all over her once pristine hot body. 

This is too much. Luckily he had kicked his clothes off the plastic before the event so he throws his pants on, grabs his shoes and GTFO. 

He hasn't been the same since. Always a blank look on his face, and an odd gait to his walk. 

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22 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

So the story goes he was downtown at one of the fancier/douchier establishments on Rainey Street. It's getting close to closing and people are starting to empty out when this total smoke show approaches him, and starts talking him up. Eventually she asks him back to her place, and of course he agrees. They get an uber she is all over him, and the uber driver had to yell at them not to fuck in his backseat.

They get to her place in westlake, huge house right by the lake. So they go inside and she leads him into the living room where there is plastic laid out on the floor. Dude is thinking he is about to get murdered when she pulls his pants down and starts blowing him. She tells him to let her know when he's close, so he does and BLAMMO! 

She shoves a butt plug up his ass  then pulls it out while he showers her face and simultaneously proceeds to shit uncontrollably. So the combination of climaxing, shitting, and realizing he was NOT about to be murdered was too much to handle and he collapsed on the couch away from the shit covered plastic. Meanwhile she starts rolling around in the shit smearing it all over her once pristine hot body. 

This is too much. Luckily he had kicked his clothes off the plastic before the event so he throws his pants on, grabs his shoes and GTFO. 

He hasn't been the same since. Always a blank look on his face, and an odd gait to his walk. 

The Aristocrats!

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3 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

So the story goes he was downtown at one of the fancier/douchier establishments on Rainey Street. It's getting close to closing and people are starting to empty out when this total smoke show approaches him, and starts talking him up. Eventually she asks him back to her place, and of course he agrees. They get an uber she is all over him, and the uber driver had to yell at them not to fuck in his backseat.

They get to her place in westlake, huge house right by the lake. So they go inside and she leads him into the living room where there is plastic laid out on the floor. Dude is thinking he is about to get murdered when she pulls his pants down and starts blowing him. She tells him to let her know when he's close, so he does and BLAMMO! 

She shoves a butt plug up his ass  then pulls it out while he showers her face and simultaneously proceeds to shit uncontrollably. So the combination of climaxing, shitting, and realizing he was NOT about to be murdered was too much to handle and he collapsed on the couch away from the shit covered plastic. Meanwhile she starts rolling around in the shit smearing it all over her once pristine hot body. 

This is too much. Luckily he had kicked his clothes off the plastic before the event so he throws his pants on, grabs his shoes and GTFO. 

He hasn't been the same since. Always a blank look on his face, and an odd gait to his walk. 

"A friend", huh?

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Well I've never been to Rainey
But I kinda like the music
They say the ladies are insane there
And they sure know how to use it
They don't abuse it
Never gonna lose it
I can't refuse it

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Gotdammit. 

The place :  Mom & Pop Mexican joint on Nogalitos in SA 
The situation : Halfway through a fine plate of huevos rancheros and decide to crank out that 'fart' I've been sitting on as soon as the waitress leaves.
The result : I put some oomf into it and immediately regretted my decision. I became instantly 'finished' with my breakfast since sitting back down and expanding the
wet spot was not an option. A short but juicy drive got me back to the safety of the shop space bathroom where I could assess the damage in peace.  

Pretty darn good huevos rancheros, though. 

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