The one week a year where I get to just be a fan
A lot of you probably read my post from last weeks absolute shitshow of a weekend. I remember telling my wife on the phone on the way to the Lambda Chi house at UF when she asked if I was still going to Dallas with my oldest Gunnar the next weekend. I told her honestly “I don’t fucking know”, I was so defeated and mentally exhausted from everything that had just transpired. The season felt over to me, Oklahoma did not seem like they sucked this season and if they beat Texas that next Saturday the season was actually over in trainwreck fashion before the second half of the year.
Then I got drunk about it with a bunch of kids from a “basketball school”.
Within hours of being a complete pussy about even going to the game that I circle on the calendar and look forward to more than any other game every year I am back mentally where I needed to be. I fire off an it’s 11:35AM ET and ou STILL SUCKS text to the Burnt Ends, to which I promptly receive an appropriate two word response from the locker room.
FUCK OU!
I immediately change the site motto to these wise words, board my plane back to Austin and look forward to what is supposed to be the best week of shit talking in sports. There’s all kinds of hate week threads that pop up, namely the annual GIF thread, the Oklahoma head coach <insert something unhatable here> thread and inevitably the hate filled haiku thread. Everything about this week is fantastic and it always culminates with me getting to spend some time as a normal fan with some of my closest friends watching the game and drinking all the wax cup beer they will let me.
I barely miss flag football, but make it home in time to spend the majority of the day with the family. My wife goes to a movie and I get the kids for the evening, my ankle is jacked from all the walking I did trying to sell tickets so I can’t do much chasing, but get into our pool which is a refresher. Settling in for the week ahead and feeling pretty good about it by the time I crawl in bed.
“Sorry I’m not going to make it for ou”
I get word/confirmation from my best friend he’s bailing on TX ou weekend, not that I give a single fuck about any excuses, but he has a 7 month old at home. I do my best to convince him to come anyway to no avail. The hangover that never came from the party in the swamp is showing up in my life in the form of harsh realities that stem directly from what happened there. I’m getting nothing but bad news, bad vibes and when I come to Surly instead of a bunch of ou focused shit talk it’s a complete fucking meltdown. I join the meltdown for a day until…
ASSWATER
The absolute catharsis that came from watching this video in it’s entirety and the reminder it served on how much I really just fucking hate ou. I turn a corner and start to really ratchet up things. Texting my friends, getting ready for the weekend and planning what’s going to go on, generally getting my mind right. By Wednesday I’m on a full on tear – I’m tired of all the pussy shit I’m seeing all over the board and I start to lose it on everyone.
I have to go to Jonestown to pick up all the tailgate shit that got muled back from Florida and have breakfast with @DanTheHorn, he can tell you that my excitement for the weekend is becoming overwhelming and I can’t wait until Friday to leave, me and my oldest son Gunnar take off Thursday night after dinner ~5:30PM as he doesn’t have school Friday or Monday.
Buc-cee’s is fucking awesome #wishIwassponsored
We make it to Temple before we need to gas up, so I take Gunnar to Buc-cee’s for the first time ever. He’s losing it and gets a sliced brisket sandwich and a cherry lime soda. I’m building core memories for what it means to do TX/ou weekend for the rest of his life. It’s not just about the game, it’s about everything around it including the trip up. It’s why College Football hits different, and it’s what being a true degenerate Texas Longhorns fan is all about.
Traffic is ASSWATER
We hit delay after delay, it’s wild that the Thursday before the game we are in so much traffic and we don’t get to Fort Worth to stay with my parents until 9:45 at night. A 4:15 drive that should have taken 3:30 with our stop. Whatever I’m buzzin’ at this point I’m in the metroplex and I know I have a big weekend ahead so I zonk out ASAP.
IT’S FRIDAY BEFORE TX/ou MOTHER FUCKERS
I have a pretty easy weekend Itinerary:
1. Get to Dallas and eat a late lunch/early dinner at Campisis with @BurntEyes, as is tradition.
2. Get to Lee Harvey’s around 5PM to kick the weekend off with some of my favorite people
3. Dinner plans 8PM at Loro in Dallas with 2 of my best friends who live in the city.
4. Party until there’s no more party
5. Scoop my Mom and Son up at ~8:40 from the TRE station in Dallas
6. Park and head into the Fair by 9:30
7. Beat the absolute hell out of ou at 2:30
8. Send Mom and Son home in my car
9. Go out and party some more
10. Get home by 12:30 for Flag Football Sunday
I get up and I’m completely healed of whatever ailment I had from the swamp, there is no malaise here there’s nothing but love for the longhorns and hate in my heart for the sooners. I’ve got a bunch of work shit I need to get done, but it doesn’t phase me and I’m blowing through it. I don’t have that much from a commitment perspective going on, but I still had stuff that I wanted to get done before ultimately going out and partying until somehow I made it to the fair on Saturday. I take off for Dallas.
I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter
I meant to go get a beard trim to look like I haven’t been in the woods for a month before heading up to Dallas and just didn’t end up doing it before I was there. I start calling barber shops on I-30 corridor all the way to Dallas to see if anyone has some walk in availability to get it done. No one really does, until Dallas – I find this place and walk in, sit down in the barber chair and tell them beard trim and shampoo me I’m kicking off a weekend bender.
I bullshit with the barber while he’s trimming and edging me up – I don’t have my glasses on and I usually just trust these folks they were legitimate and he was on top of it. I know it’s not going to be like any other beard trim I’ve gotten when he pulls out the stencil thing and starts marking up the lines. Nice – I’m gonna be fresh AF. Now I have mostly experience with places like SHED in Austin, hipster barber shops for mainly white people. This place serviced a bit of a different demographic (Read: Black and Hispanic). He washes my hair and makes it look pretty awesome. I put my glasses back on and I have to laugh a little bit – I’m edged up like Bad Bunny. lol thin ass mustache and low cheek beard.
Much better, but not the “Mel Gibson” he told me he gave me. lol. Head to Campisis and tell @BurntEyes to order ahead as I’m running about 15-20 minutes behind.
Get to Campisis and it’s nowhere near the same buzz in there as usual before a game. It’s got it’s fair share of fans, but it feels flat. Our server is obviously having some kind of episode and is struggling with the basics. Have a great pizza, some ravioli and cheesy bread.
We are talking about how we feel about the game and how much ou still fucking sucks. I know I need to eat well so that I can have a long night. I say fuck it and crush 2 beers while I’m there and we take off to get to Lee Harvey’s and since I’m not opening the tab this year I can be “fashionably late” as they say. Roll in at around 5:30 and ou STILL SUCKS, @luke duke had just gotten the first bucket of beers and @TxEx84 was there as well. Smiles, Longhorns and cold beer. I go inside and open a $200 bartab (thanks @RPM).
MULEDICK.
I open the tab with the bartender who is there every year, but it’s been a while since we’ve done it not at the pool. I ask him to tell me when the tab hits $160 so we can close it for $200 and he sorta looks at me like I’m regarded and says why don’t you just ask me when you come in here. I was like well anyone who tells you surlyhorns or MULEDICK is on the tab, then *click* he remembers our group and changes his demeanor. I give him my card and he looks at it and announces to the bar that he’s never seen a card with MULEDICK as the name before. I order a double tall ranchwater. What a fucking time. It takes a good 30 minutes for more people to trickle in, and we get a good group going. I’m recanting my Florida story to a guy who hasn’t been in lulz and has been avoiding the board – it’s a vibe. One of my best friends, an aggy, shows up and brings out a shot for me. I’m rolling and feeling fantastic about the direction of the weekend. I’m talking shit to every sooner I see and throwing up the horns to any burnt orange I don’t know. @Born Burnt shows up and we shoot some gonzo stuff – the bartender had been trained on an order a double tall ranchwater is now known as an ASSWATER on MULEDICK.
Alright – I’m feeling great. Fuck the sooners we are going to eat a fantastic dinner at Loro with my aggy friend his wife and my Longhorn friend and his soon to be fiancée. We roll up and park, get inside and it’s just…not the vibe. We get in line we are ready to order and it’s just kind packed full of Dallas-ites. It just doesn’t feel right. I say fuck it lets go to Bob’s which has been a thing we’ve been doing the last 2 years or so. We roll up into Bob’s, my friend lives close by so the car is stashed there and we have a purpose.
Do you member that one time we almost got kicked out of Bob’s? I member
Bob’s is an epic feast and we aren’t going from 0-100, we are going 0-130.
We are proper fucked at this point and the night is young. My aggy friend is mouthing off entirely too much about how they are gonna run through Florida and I stupidly make a $200 dollar bet on the game and his wife holds each of our $200 in “escrow” (her purse). It’s nearly 11PM ou STILL SUCKS and we’ve still got 3 hours worth of bars to fuck up and talk shit to sooners in preparation for the next day. We get the ladies home, my responsible longhorn friend stays back and it’s down to just me and my aggy bff. We tear up uptown the best we can, but inevitably end up at a nice whiskey/cocktail bar where we are having night caps and chatting more than we are raging at the packed bars that we went to before. We close out the night at the bars.
FUCK, WHERE ARE MY CAR KEYS
I’m so hammered and worried about the next day where in less than 5 hours I’m going to be picking up my mom and son from the train station. I panic and can’t find my keys in my pockets. Damnit. I’m ubering back to my friends place where I am staying and where the car is parked – I have a habit or just leaving my keys in my car and figured that’s what I did and needed to check. I walk up on my car and it’s locked. FUCK I don’t ever lock my car – this is the time where I get a call from @tex48. He’s been assaulted in the lobby of his hotel and is covered in blood telling me he’s talking to the cops and needs to go to the hospital.
Damnit. This sucks. He’s going to the game and sitting with my 66 year old mother tomorrow while Gunnar sits with me in some seats I had already secured. Well after all this mischief being managed and me walking back to bars trying to retrace steps and find keys…I go into my friends place to sit down and figure out what to do next and…lo and behold
I had wisely given my keys up at Bob’s before we went out to avoid any temptation of being an idiot. They were on the night stand for me. It’s nearly 6AM ou STILL SUCKS and I’ve gotta get whatever sleep I can.
I wake up from my phone ringing – It’s 7:51AM ou STILL SUCKS and I’ve slept maybe a good hour and a half. They made it on the 7:48 train departing Fort Worth and are headed to Dallas. I try to go back to sleep for at least 30 more minutes and just can’t. I buy 2 seats the row behind where mine are for my mom and Gunnar for face. I get up go expel any and all evil that’s left inside of me and get in the shower, then that evolves into laying down for a warm bath. All I can think about is how much I fucking hate the entire state of oklahoma and how the Longhorns are going to beat the ever living fuck out of the sooners today for my son’s first game inside the Legendary Cotton Bowl for the greatest and most unique college football game in existence.
I get my shit together and am out the door on track to pick them up from Victory station at 8:41AM. I’m about a block away and she calls me saying they are headed towards LBJ/UNION STATION and I was like oh alright I guess y’all must have missed getting off – confusion happens when traveling with a 5 year old totally understandable…I plug it into maps and I’m headed there, it’s a bit further north and I’m 10 minutes away. Mom calls me about 7 minutes later and says we just got off the train, and I’m like man there’s no way the train got all the way to LBJ from victory that fast and I ask her if she’s in north dallas or if she’s downtown. She’s doesn’t know – she tells me she sees the dallas morning news. I’m like wtf is going on then it occurs to me. She’s at EBJ/CENTRAL STATION and just was frazzled. I turn around and pick them up – it’s 8:56AM – I know this because as soon as Gunnar got in the car he asked me and then yelled AND ou STILL SUCKS.
I swell with pride.
We are all in burnt orange headed to the fair and I’m running on pure fucking adrenaline. We get some sick parking right outside the main gate for $100, want to make it as easy as possible for my mom to get out of the game with Gunnar after the Longhorns send the sooners home crying. There’s a group of sooners as we get to the gates and Gunnar asks them what time it is and yells ou STILL SUCKS. They laugh and tell him good luck, I retort I hope you lose today and get more laughs. We walk into the gates and buy coupons with no lines and head in. We get Gunnar the kids wristband in case he gets lost. Test the airtag he’s got in his jersey and do a dry run of what to do in case we get separated with the nice ladies from the fair. Gunnar is good to go.
Vibin’ with the alebrijes before heading into the Mexican cultural exhibit at the fair.
We go do some art, check out the scenes and ride all the rides before the game. Gunnar is beaming, I’m talking shit to every sooner I see.
We cover a ton of ground. We hit every part of the fairgrounds and are having an outstanding morning.
Right after this picture we passed by a stand that had Electrolyt bottles on ice. SALVATION. I buy one for 4 coupons and chug it. I’m feeling fantastic.
Gunnar rides a bunch of rides, then we head to the food court to meet up with @MBHORNSFAN and talk more shit to sooners.
We take turns leading TEXAS FIGHT chants once we get there in rotating fashion for about 10 minutes and then we take off to go meet up with Bobby B at the Texas Exes tailgate. Pro tip – there are 1 coupon juices in the food court for kids and adults who need sugar water hydration. We got 3 and crushed them while walking to the exes tailgate.
The Exes tailgate was lame – no TV’s a bunch of limp dick Texas fans who didn’t wanna participate in TEXAS FIGHT chants and overall just not the vibe. We leave and go to the aquarium to get some good AC time and clean bathrooms in before going into the legendary Cotton Bowl.
I stay outside and watch the Alabama Mizzou game right outside at the beer garden. I’m talking shit to any and all sooners, end up sitting to a really nice sooner couple and we are jabbing back and forth but watching the game and talking about how special and unique it is to have this going on for generations.
They wish me luck, I tell them I hope they lose.
It’s time to go to the game with plenty of time to get to our seats and get situated.
Hordes of people, Gunnar has never experienced anything like it. Boomer sooner and TEXAS FIGHT breaking out left and right front and back and all around.
THERE IS NOTHING LIKE IT.
We get to our seats loaded up on water and get ready to bake in the afternoon sun while Texas fucks oklahoma up.
There’s some sooners in our section and I’m heckling. My favorite one of the day was a jacked dude coming down with a ton of food and French fries stacked on top that he was balancing on top of all the beverages. He was loaded up and focused. I yelled “I HOPE ALL YOUR FOOD TASTES LIKE SHIT AND YOU DROP YOUR FRENCH FRIES” – he broke and started laughing and everyone around in our section got a good laugh.
The game is incredible. The Texas fans snap the fuck out of it, the team feeds off the energy and the game goes our way, but that’s not what this post is about.
My favorite moments in the stands:
1. 3rd down on the Texas side of the field that got so loud the sooners had to call a timeout, the building was legitimately shaking.
2. Singing The Eyes of Texas before the game with Gunnar and the Longhorn Faithful. Chills.
3. The impromptu ou SUCKS, ou SUCKS, ou SUCKS chants that broke out throughout the game, sometimes for no reason at all, well except the fact that ou in fact SUCKS.
4. Boomer Sooner echoing while TEXAS FIGHT echoed back. Nothing like it in sports.
5. The 4th quarter starting with Django Walker – Texas Longhorn and no sooner song.
We wrap up the game, don’t stay for the eyes – I need to get my 5 year old and 66 year old mom out of the stadium before the stampede starts and get them back home safe. We have 30ish coupons left, get a burger, fries, some lucky duck dumplings and are 3 tickets short of a Modelo…Fair worker decides she’s gonna give me the Modelo anyway and I slam my first beer of the day and it tastes like sweet sweet victory. We heckle the crying sooners the entire way out of the fair and get to our car in less than 90 seconds after leaving the gate and are in uptown Dallas within 7 minutes. Success.
I get dropped off at my friends place and immediately beeline to the shower, get changed and get ready for round 2 going out and watching aggy lose to Florida and winning my bet. I get back to the couch after the shower and I never get back up. My friend and his wife put a weighted blanket on me that they call “the pacifier” and ordered some Canes. I ate, we had another friend come over and I drank 1 more beer and could hardly keep my eyes open to finish the aggy game. Set up the CPAP and I was out by 9:30PM under the pacifier and ou DEFINITELY STILL SUCKED ending a near perfect weekend.
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