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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

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On 1/13/2020 at 10:22 AM, EvilCaseMcCoy said:

Apparently I drink water too loud and am an asshole because I should swallow quieter. 

I read on reddit that I should tilt my head back to reduce noise.  This has now been suggested as the default method for my water consumption. 

Well you're an asshole anyway, so....

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Flew back to Phoenix last night from a quick ski trip.  As we normally do, she waits for the bags/skis in baggage claim, and I go get the car from the economy parking lot and park it in the short term parking above the terminal to load the gear.  
There are two banks of elevators that serve the garage/terminal (east and west).  To make things easier, I call her to see which carousel the bags came out so I can park closest to the elevator that is closest to the carousel (especially since the game just kicked off).
Directionally Challenged: "Got the skis.  They came out on carousel 6."
Me: "Is that closer to the east or west elevators?"
DC: "I don't know. You know I am bad with directions."
M:  "Is that closer to the D or C gates?"
DC:  "I have no idea."
M:  "The signage over the exit doors out to the pickup tells you if it's the north or south curb.  Use that."
DC:  "The south curb is on my left."
M:  "Sigh."

There isn’t a female in Phoenix that could answer those questions.

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You people just don't know how to talk female.  You should have asked her if it was closer to the elevators that are on the same side of her favorite shoe store as the coffee place she goes every morning or the nail salon that she goes to every Thursday

 

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On January 13, 2020 at 4:44 PM, txhorns said:

My wife bought a non working clock a couple of years ago because it was the last one the store had.  It's hanging in my living room.

Keep this in your back pocket: "Honey, at least that clock is right twice a day. Is that too much to ask from you?"

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4 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

You people just don't know how to talk female.  You should have asked her if it was closer to the elevators that are on the same side of her favorite shoe store as the coffee place she goes every morning or the nail salon that she goes to every Thursday

 

You married a stripper, your insight on womaning is irrelevant. 

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My wife has been “really into” this new show (You) recently despite spending 90% of the episode staring at her phone.  I call her out (since i hate the show and want to watch something else) and she insists she’s paying attention.  So tonight I ran a little experiment.  We watched an episode and she, predictably, was looking at her phone the whole time.  When the episode ended I asked if she wanted to watch another.  She agreed.  So i restarted the same episode to see if she would notice.  15 minutes in I had to break it to her.  She had no clue.  
 

Now I’m watching Duke/Clemson and she has retreated into the bedroom in a huff to “watch the damn show without me”.  Win?

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33 minutes ago, BearCountry11 said:

My wife has been “really into” this new show (You) recently despite spending 90% of the episode staring at her phone.  I call her out (since i hate the show and want to watch something else) and she insists she’s paying attention.  So tonight I ran a little experiment.  We watched an episode and she, predictably, was looking at her phone the whole time.  When the episode ended I asked if she wanted to watch another.  She agreed.  So i restarted the same episode to see if she would notice.  15 minutes in I had to break it to her.  She had no clue.  
 

Now I’m watching Duke/Clemson and she has retreated into the bedroom in a huff to “watch the damn show without me”.  Win?

Stay strong.  There will be blood.  

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8 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

Me: "Is that closer to the east or west elevators?"

This is on you. That’s where you fucked up right there, hitting her with a trick question right off the bat. 

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18 minutes ago, Horns1 said:

This is on you. That’s where you fucked up right there, hitting her with a trick question right off the bat. 

Well, yeah, he may as well have been speaking Mandarin. However, if you aren't a poor and park in the valet, none of it happens at all.

He just got back from skiing.. so.. 

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12 hours ago, BearCountry11 said:

My wife has been “really into” this new show (You) recently despite spending 90% of the episode staring at her phone.  I call her out (since i hate the show and want to watch something else) and she insists she’s paying attention.  So tonight I ran a little experiment.  We watched an episode and she, predictably, was looking at her phone the whole time.  When the episode ended I asked if she wanted to watch another.  She agreed.  So i restarted the same episode to see if she would notice.  15 minutes in I had to break it to her.  She had no clue.  
 

Now I’m watching Duke/Clemson and she has retreated into the bedroom in a huff to “watch the damn show without me”.  Win?

Hmm that's interesting.  We were watching that show the other night and in the middle of it my wife got naked and begged me to fuck her.  I prefer how we watch the show to how you watch the show.

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14 minutes ago, txhorns said:

Hmm that's interesting.  We were watching that show the other night and in the middle of it my wife got naked and begged me to fuck her.  I prefer how we watch the show to how you watch the show.

lies no GIF

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45 minutes ago, txhorns said:

Hmm that's interesting.  We were watching that show the other night and in the middle of it my wife got naked and begged me to fuck her.  I prefer how we watch the show to how you watch the show.

you oversold it.  Girlfriend, Fiance... maybe.

 

Wife...

giphy.gif

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2 hours ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

^^^

Could be newlyweds.

Or maybe she's cheating on him and someone in the show reminded her of her side piece.

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1 hour ago, TrashMaster G said:

Or maybe she's cheating on him and someone in the show reminded her of her side piece.

You mean the side piece who just knocked her up so she has to nail down a sex alibi to avoid a paternity test?

 

Good luck raising some other dude's baby, sucker.

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Good luck on getting into the bedroom after the game.
The only real benefit to getting into the bedroom is the potential for a more comfortable place to sleep vs. the couch.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

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Off topic CSB: I happened to be in Midland when the Hurricane Rita evacuation panic started in Houston.  I stopped at Home Depot on the way to the airport and picked up a chainsaw and some other stuff. Now the airlines won’t let you bring fingernail clippers on the plane but a chainsaw - no problem. /CSB
They would stop you from bringing fuel or even bar oil onboard, so...

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

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20 hours ago, BearCountry11 said:

My wife has been “really into” this new show (You) recently despite spending 90% of the episode staring at her phone.  I call her out (since i hate the show and want to watch something else) and she insists she’s paying attention.  So tonight I ran a little experiment.  We watched an episode and she, predictably, was looking at her phone the whole time.  When the episode ended I asked if she wanted to watch another.  She agreed.  So i restarted the same episode to see if she would notice.  15 minutes in I had to break it to her.  She had no clue.  
 

Now I’m watching Duke/Clemson and she has retreated into the bedroom in a huff to “watch the damn show without me”.  Win?

Oh man I'm gonna try this.

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3 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

The only real benefit to getting into the bedroom is the potential for a more comfortable place to sleep vs. the couch.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

Truth.

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Don’t know if should go here or the high thread. So wife is a big square, but past year been hearing stories by multiple gf’s of hers how ammmazing Colorado gummies are. So I bought her a bag awhile back and she really liked them. Problem is that bag I bought her was a bag of micro dose 2.5mg shit. She has no idea/care about that kind of detail. Fast forward a few months and she runs out of those. So I get some more recently and they didn’t have the micro dose bag. I figured she could just portion each one out and be the same, so I told her I’d bring some more home. I get home and settle in, hang with kids and jump in the shower. She gets the shit out and f my carry on before I have a chance to explain and pops one. I’m the asshole an hour later.

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15 minutes ago, Texaus said:

Don’t know if should go here or the high thread. So wife is a big square, but past year been hearing stories by multiple gf’s of hers how ammmazing Colorado gummies are. So I bought her a bag awhile back and she really liked them. Problem is that bag I bought her was a bag of micro dose 2.5mg shit. She has no idea/care about that kind of detail. Fast forward a few months and she runs out of those. So I get some more recently and they didn’t have the micro dose bag. I figured she could just portion each one out and be the same, so I told her I’d bring some more home. I get home and settle in, hang with kids and jump in the shower. She gets the shit out and f my carry on before I have a chance to explain and pops one. I’m the asshole an hour later.

This has thread content potential.  I'd like to see more details about the last two sentences - we're all assholes, no need to hold back.  

The opportunity to accidentally slip her another one down the road and report back could also be gold.  Could also be divorce, but there's another thread for that.

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On 1/14/2020 at 2:31 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

You people just don't know how to talk female.  You should have asked her if it was closer to the elevators that are on the same side of her favorite shoe store as the coffee place she goes every morning or the nail salon that she goes to every Thursday

 

giphy.gif

On 1/14/2020 at 7:59 PM, BearCountry11 said:

My wife has been “really into” this new show (You) recently despite spending 90% of the episode staring at her phone.  I call her out (since i hate the show and want to watch something else) and she insists she’s paying attention.  So tonight I ran a little experiment.  We watched an episode and she, predictably, was looking at her phone the whole time.  When the episode ended I asked if she wanted to watch another.  She agreed.  So i restarted the same episode to see if she would notice.  15 minutes in I had to break it to her.  She had no clue.  
 

Now I’m watching Duke/Clemson and she has retreated into the bedroom in a huff to “watch the damn show without me”.  Win?

How bout getting a 2nd job and buying another TV ya moerahn

Edited by mulletpelini

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My wife is absolutely terrible with song lyrics. Case in point. I made the comment that Eminem is one of the greatest rappers of all time. Not THE greatest but one of the greatest. Just the way he flows and how complex his lyrics can get, it's something that you just don't hear today. She said "Eminem is also the first openly gay rapper so that's pretty cool". Uhhh what? She said that his song Cleanin Out My Closet was revolutionary. Uhhh yeah because he talked shit about his mom who was a pill popper and how he wanted to kill his ex wife. She sends me a link to the edited song (makes sense because she only heard this song on the radio) and shows me where he does it. I still can't believe this shit. This is what the lyrics said

Quote

What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb
But the smartest shit I did was take them bullets outta that gun
'Cause I'da killed him; shit I would've shot Kim and him both

But because the radio censors songs for kids she heard

Quote

What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb
But the smartest shit I did was take them bullets outta that gun
'Cause I'da ****d him; **** I would've **** Kim and him both

She thought Eminem was going to fuck his dad and Kim at the same time. But it doesn't end there. She also points out this

Quote

Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well guess what, I am dead, dead to you as can be!

She didn't hear "dead". She heard "gay".

Quote

Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well guess what, I am gay, gay to you as can be!

It doesn't even make sense in context! Oh son I wish you were dead instead of your other brother. Oh yeah mom? Well I'm gay.

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My wife is absolutely terrible with song lyrics. Case in point. I made the comment that Eminem is one of the greatest rappers of all time. Not THE greatest but one of the greatest. Just the way he flows and how complex his lyrics can get, it's something that you just don't hear today. She said "Eminem is also the first openly gay rapper so that's pretty cool". Uhhh what? She said that his song Cleanin Out My Closet was revolutionary. Uhhh yeah because he talked shit about his mom who was a pill popper and how he wanted to kill his ex wife. She sends me a link to the edited song (makes sense because she only heard this song on the radio) and shows me where he does it. I still can't believe this shit. This is what the lyrics said
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb
But the smartest shit I did was take them bullets outta that gun
'Cause I'da killed him; shit I would've shot Kim and him both
But because the radio censors songs for kids she heard
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb
But the smartest shit I did was take them bullets outta that gun
'Cause I'da ****d him; **** I would've **** Kim and him both
She thought Eminem was going to fuck his dad and Kim at the same time. But it doesn't end there. She also points out this
Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well guess what, I am dead, dead to you as can be!
She didn't hear "dead". She heard "gay".
Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well guess what, I am gay, gay to you as can be!
It doesn't even make sense in context! Oh son I wish you were dead instead of your other brother. Oh yeah mom? Well I'm gay.


3fd9928651771d4cf935656d64e9d80e.jpg

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There probably could be a whole new thread on Wives and lyricosis.

Wife: "Vincent Karma gonna get you..."

Me: "What?? Its Instant Karma."

Wife: "No, that doesn't even make sense"

Face Palm

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5 minutes ago, PilotsError said:

Sounds like a story you tell children to scare them.  "Tonight it's the story of Vincent Karma and the bad children..."

And then he looked them RIGHT IN THE FACE!!!

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1 hour ago, Classic Rock said:

There probably could be a whole new thread on Wives and lyricosis.

Wife: "Vincent Karma gonna get you..."

Me: "What?? Its Instant Karma."

Wife: "No, that doesn't even make sense"

Face Palm

Based upon your username I would defer to your knowledge in this area.

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43 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

I wonder what she thinks about Bohemian Rhapsody?

She assumes she accidentally tuned into an Opera station and immediately changes the channel.

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There probably could be a whole new thread on Wives and lyricosis.
Wife: "Vincent Karma gonna get you..."
Me: "What?? Its Instant Karma."
Wife: "No, that doesn't even make sense"
Face Palm
You're both wrong.

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I guess I am never going to learn. Don't ever try logic with a women when it comes to discussing her friendships with other women after she has had a few glasses of wine.  I went from shoe in for sexy time to likely cold shoulder in <5 seconds.

Edited by Anastasis

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Standard driving to dinner conversation tonight:

I'm thinking about going to Peru this summer. I'm watching for prices on flights to drop and I did x,y,z at work today.

What does going to Peru have to do with doing x,y,z at work?

Oh, nothing. 

 

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Today I took down a perfectly good bronze curtain rod and replaced it with a nickel one because it was “better”.  When pressed for more details on what made it better....tone.

At least I got to use one of the existing anchor holes and didn’t have to worry about leveling it.

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3 hours ago, TKthunder2 said:

Today I took down a perfectly good bronze curtain rod and replaced it with a nickel one because it was “better”.  When pressed for more details on what made it better....tone.

At least I got to use one of the existing anchor holes and didn’t have to worry about leveling it.

So bless.

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Wife woke me up in the middle of the night because she thought I was dead. Said I was cold and wasn’t snoring. I guess she prefers me snoring.

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26 minutes ago, Flg8rfan said:

Wife woke me up in the middle of the night because she thought I was dead. Said I was cold and wasn’t snoring. I guess she prefers me snoring.

She was just excited about cashing in that life insurance check.  She already had it all spent.  Right now she is bitching to her friends that you weren't dead.

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doors and windows, shut.

suitcases and purses, shut.

middle console and gloveboxes, shut.

pussy and butthole, shut.

 

 

 

 

But a gotdamn kitchen cabinet(s) door is open 24/7/365

Edited by mulletpelini
anyone else find this strange?

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Me:. Want to eat at the ramen place?
Her:. No. You know I'm trying to stay away from gluten. (Ignoring that she knows they have a gluten free me.
Her:. How about Farm Burger.
(Where she had a fucking burger on a bun)

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6 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Me:. Want to eat at the ramen place?
Her:. No. You know I'm trying to stay away from gluten. (Ignoring that she knows they have a gluten free me.
Her:. How about Farm Burger.
(Where she had a fucking burger on a bun)

Oh I'm sure it was a "gluten free" bun so she wins.

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