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Prepuce of Doom

Shart 2020: Hindsight's a bitch

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31 minutes ago, demos said:

Several close calls today, but still clean. Also, pad thai is just as spicy coming out as it is going in.

We call that the HiHo’s (hot in hot out).

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Had a close call in bed last night.  All good this morning.  Half cup of coffee and my bowel movement smells like expired cleaning supplies.  Is that anything?

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On 2/23/2020 at 8:06 AM, Lobo said:

Had a close call in bed last night.  All good this morning.  Half cup of coffee and my bowel movement smells like expired cleaning supplies.  Is that anything?

Australian Coronavirus.

It's hitting you, "down under".

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It had to happen... 

After dodging many bullets in 2020, one with my name on it finally hit home. Ex girlfriend and I went out for sushi & talked about our recent break up and
what we're each going to do in life. At least it's amicable but it doesn't make it any less stressful. That's probably why I slammed ice cold Chang all through
dinner or managed to eat 4 orders of mackerel sashimi without really noticing. I don't know why I do these things to myself.

Not wanting to go back to the empty house we still share, I decided to walk down to the bar to meet up with some friends. Why I thought this was a good idea
with a stomach full of beer and mercury I don't know but I did. Four houses down it hit me. I was absolutely, positively,
certain it was just going to be a little fart. 

spacer.png 

You. Mother. Fucker. 

It's all I could think.

I just stood there, shoulders slumped, completely defeated. Nothing left to do but the bow legged shuffle back to the house for a full wipe and change of boxer shorts.
I feel like I have failed y'all.

I'm Marfa Low Crown and it has been 001 days since my last shart. 

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3 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Perhaps you had escolar? 

Years ago, back when I worked in fine dining, I had the pleasure of working around a great chef named Jamie. His sense of humor had been etched in stone
decades before political correctness came along and he was also damn good at what he did. We liked each other immediately. We used to have a regular diner whom
I will call "Martha" and she was the worst sort of patron. Rude, demanding, awful tipper, bullied servers ; I was the only waiter on the staff she couldn't push around and it became my job to
wait on her every time. The management appreciated it as did the other servers so I would take one for the team. 

One night Jamie ran escolar as a special and with his aforementioned sense of humor, our pre-shift meeting was one of the funniest I ever attended. He explained the re-"percussions" of over indulging in it and kept the portion around 4-5 oz. or so. In what can only be described as cosmic alignment Martha came in that night and ordered the escolar. She absolutely loved it but complained about the portion and asked if she could get another filet. I could not believe my luck. I didn't even walk to the kitchen, I floated. Beaming, I approached Jamie and explained the situation.

His pain was palpable. His face flushed, he grimaced, he held his head in his hands, he paced, he laughed, he took huge deep breaths, he went through it all. Finally he laid his hands flat on the expo, dropped his head, and his body seemed to go kind of limp. "I will go out there and explain it to her, but don't think for a moment that's what I want to do.", he said. On one hand I was crushed. We had Bin Laden in the crosshairs and let him go. On the other hand, I will always say that Jamie was a true professional. 

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I fucking lost it in the kitchen this morning while eating a taco, It was like I was ambushed before I could even contemplate making a break for the shitter, I don’t know what happened.

But here I am.

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Posted (edited)

I'm pretty proud that I made it 2 1/2 months into the new year before entering this thread.  Standing at the urinal today I let one rip.  I then had to make a detour to the stall to clean out the undies.

Edited by NeverMarryAStripper

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I've been doing one of those vinegar detox things this week. Playing basketball with my kid this evening I had to take a break.

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Lol, never heard of escolar. But here's an article that's directly on point here. As though it was written by a surly poster.

https://www.thekitchn.com/use-caution-when-eating-escola-66602

"To be frankly and bluntly specific — and I’m sorry for this — consumption of escolar causes explosive, oily, orange diarrhea. People have reported that the discharges are often difficult to control and accidents can happen while passing gas.

I personally know someone who ate an escolar steak one night, unaware of its side effects. The next day he was riding the elevator to his office when out of nowhere his bowels unleashed a surprise attack on his pants. As he said later, “Thank God I had my gym bag with me, which had a clean pair of underwear in it.” This explains why escolar is also called the “olestra fish” and the “ex-lax fish.”"

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Isolation drinking has got me three close calls this week, one I stopped with a tiny spec of wetness in the boxers.  I need to switch to weed. 

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33 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

A "tiny speck" you say? 

a small wet spot no specks, you could say I avoided the presapus of doom...

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Cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast.  I let out a fart expecting it to be the gas runoff of the bacon & eggs I had just consumed, but was met with remnants of last night's microwavable philly cheesesteak colliding with the back of my drawers at mach 2. 

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Got up to make coffee and judging by the looks of things in the kitchen, dinner last night was Shiner Cerveza Verano and a half gallon of Blue Bell 
Cookie Dough. Fuggit, that's some state pride boy. After a night like that, none of what happens next should be any surprise. 

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Today's shart is brought to you by the letter "G". 

Standing at the coffee pot coming back to life and feel a honker working down the pipeline. Felt like I could smooth double tap a dyad on the horn until the surprise payload made it a triad with a true brown note. Unfortunately the closest bathroom to the crime scene was also the one lowest on toilet paper.  There was just enough paper left for a normal shit... and by that I mean one that all ends up in the toilet. Decisions were made and this is how I came to start my day by wiping my ass with my own underwear and taking a shower with my pants. Two dashes and a splat. I'm Marfa Low Crown and my call sign is Sierra Hotel Alpha Romeo Tango. 


 

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Posted (edited)

This didn't take place in 2020 & it wasn't I who sharted, however I was a first hand witness.

Fall 2005, varsity football practice. My best friend was our starting strong side LB, I was strong safety. Our DC was an old crusty mean bastard. Said DC musters the defensive and has us line up for an Oklahoma drill. My buddy has to shit, he asks DC if he may be excused so that he can shit. To no surprise, DC responds "I'm not gonna let you jack off in the field house while the rest of us are out here sweating"

A moment later its my buddys turn in the drill, he lines up as the pursuer, the whistle blows, the ball carrier takes off and just as he planted to make the hit, a foul yet whimsical blast erupted from his pants. As he rolled up off the turf, a brown splotch was present on the back of his white football pants. 

"Coach, I think I shit myself" 

"God damnit, go clean yourself up and get out here"

As my buddy cowboy walked to the field house, the rest of us were in stitches. Hell, our d-line coach was howling along with us. Our DC might have cracked a smirk. 

I told that story during my buddy's rehearsal dinner.

Edited by Kavinsky

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On 3/24/2020 at 12:25 PM, 'stache said:

Lol, never heard of escolar. But here's an article that's directly on point here. As though it was written by a surly poster.

https://www.thekitchn.com/use-caution-when-eating-escola-66602

"To be frankly and bluntly specific — and I’m sorry for this — consumption of escolar causes explosive, oily, orange diarrhea. People have reported that the discharges are often difficult to control and accidents can happen while passing gas.

I personally know someone who ate an escolar steak one night, unaware of its side effects. The next day he was riding the elevator to his office when out of nowhere his bowels unleashed a surprise attack on his pants. As he said later, “Thank God I had my gym bag with me, which had a clean pair of underwear in it.” This explains why escolar is also called the “olestra fish” and the “ex-lax fish.”"

I'm beginning to think Long John Silvers serves the stuff.  Ate there three weeks ago and had uncontrollable diarrhea for days.

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1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Sounds like a Surly contest, LJS for lunch and Taco Bell for dinner and we see who can last the longest without shitting their pants.

I'd lose in a heartbeat.  My stomach still isn't totally back to normal.

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6 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

I'd lose in a heartbeat.  My stomach still isn't totally back to normal.

My memory is that both LJS and Taco Bell bypass the stomach and go directly to the asshole. Three days
of clamping down the diarrhea hose probably has your sphincter in competition shape. I'd give the contest
a shot man

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Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, Marfa Low Crown said:

My memory is that both LJS and Taco Bell bypass the stomach and go directly to the asshole. Three days
of clamping down the diarrhea hose probably has your sphincter in competition shape. I'd give the contest
a shot man

Why do you think he goes by Shooter??

 

 

Edit:  Also, I need some clarification on what constitutes an official shart.  Do you have to leave skid marks in your drawers or is just drawing a little mud on your cheeks on your way to the bathroom good?

Edited by Hate

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4 minutes ago, Hate said:

Also, I need some clarification on what constitutes an official shart.  Do you have to leave skid marks in your drawers or is just drawing a little mud on your cheeks on your way to the bathroom good?


    I tend to think that if you have to wipe you've made the winner's circle but @Prepuce of Doom is the resident expert for all shart-related clarifications.

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Did you have to clean anything (underwear, ass, couch, etc.) up? In any way involve TP, water, or a sock? If so, it's not a fart. 

Did you change underwear? Or wish that you could have? Not a just fart. 

Wish it didn't happen? Not just a fart. 

Still thinking about it five minutes later? Probably not just a fart. 

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4 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Did you have to clean anything (underwear, ass, couch, etc.) up? In any way involve TP, water, or a sock? If so, it's not a fart. 

Did you change underwear? Or wish that you could have? Not a just fart. 

Wish it didn't happen? Not just a fart. 

Still thinking about it five minutes later? Probably not just a fart. 

Man, I'm still thinking about it a couple of weeks later sooo...

source.gif

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1 hour ago, Gil Bang said:

 

do yourself a favor and listen to this.  I can't stop laughing, the man is a elite shart orator.

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I played touring drums for 'Shart Orator'  back in the 90's.  

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Placeholder post. Have had a stomach ache for 3 days and very small shits. Think I either have an appendix about to blow or a massive bbq turd stuck in the pipes. Have taken twice the recommended amount of colon blow. 

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This post is more of a DIY saline laxative tutorial if anyone looking to up their shart game. 

Last night's dinner was two German beef sausages, an entire bag of pickled daikon radish, a half a jar of sauerkraut, and a half a jar of pickles.
Sober? Of course not. Craving pickled stuff? Apparently. Regardless, I reckon I consumed enough salt to bring down an elephant. No fart can be
trusted. The amount of mud blown already this morning is stupefying... I don't even know where it's coming from at this point or when it
will stop. I wonder if this is where the expression 'getting yourself into a pickle' comes from? 

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Your dinner sounds awesome.  The aftermath, however, sounds awful.  When your very feces themselves appear to have been pickled in a jar inside your colon, that can't be comfortable.  But I applaud your adventurous palate.  

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I’m still clean. 4yo who recently just started pooping in the toilet, fail. He kept saying his stomach hurt but couldn’t poop. He was playing LEGO’s and let out a juicy toot. He looked up and I could tell something was amiss. Yup, sharted.

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