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Goo Punch

Funniest single lines from comedians

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Just for clarity: I'm looking for one line that makes you just lose it when you hear it. It doesn't have to be a one-liner, and it can be part of a routine; there can be some preamble. I'm just looking for that one line that just kills you when you hear it. 

Edited by Goo Punch

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1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

 

Classic Norm.  As soon as he started that joke, I knew what the punchline was going to be.  
 

re: Albert Fisch. It shows just how brilliant he is even off the cuff.   When (whoever that was) said gimmick, Norm latched onto that for his great joke about “maybe the worst gimmick a comic had ever had.”

 

dude is just a genius.  

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Norm:  “You don’t actually have to have cheese sandwiches in the van, by the way, unless you want to be known for your detailed work.”

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4 hours ago, Red Five said:

I bet “Board” is spelled B-O-R-E-D.

“Just like a snake.”

”You know, Big Acid doesn’t care about the little guy.”

”Now you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”

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10 minutes ago, BrickHorn said:

“Just like a snake.”

”You know, Big Acid doesn’t care about the little guy.”

”Now you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”

You could do a whole list off that one Conan / Courtney Thorne Smith show with the “B-O-R-E-D” line.

Was it called nine and a half seconds?  [long pause] Like he’s a premature ejaculator.

Box office poison.

Then Larry Flynt rolls in on his wheelchair going “Bwah Bwah!”

Edited by longhornmatt

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“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this...and totally redeem yourself!”

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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

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Does that sound like how white people talk? . . . It sounds like something that I would say!

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Hedberg always had weird but great ones. 

I gotta write these jokes so I sit at the hotel at night and think of something that's funny then I go get a pen and write it down. 

Or if the pen is too far away I convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny

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5 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

 

There's a great Artie Lang Norm story:

Artie: I did this movie in the late 90s with Norm McDonald called Dirty Work. When it came out I read a newspaper review and told Norm that the reviewer said "in Dirty Work Artie Lang has all of the charisma of a date rapist". 

Norm: Wow, that's great!

Artie: What do you mean? He said I have the charisma of a fucking date rapist. 

Norm: Yeah, that's great. A date rapist has to have way more charisma than a regular rapist. 

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5 minutes ago, Junior Miller said:

There's a great Artie Lang Norm story:

Artie: I did this movie in the late 90s with Norm McDonald called Dirty Work. When it came out I read a newspaper review and told Norm that the reviewer said "in Dirty Work Artie Lang has all of the charisma of a date rapist". 

Norm: Wow, that's great!

Artie: What do you mean? He said I have the charisma of a fucking date rapist. 

Norm: Yeah, that's great. A date rapist has to have way more charisma than a regular rapist. 

The better one is Artie opening for Norm in SFO.  Right before artie goes on, norm pulls him aside and says "listen motherfucker, this is a big gig, we are in SFO, there WILL be no gay jokes".  Artie is shitting bricks because that's 1/3 of his act.  He knows Norm is serious, so he struggles through his 20 minutes or so. 
Norm gets introduced, comes out, takes the mic, looks around and says "wow, there's a lot of fags here".

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when you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

i also enjoy (clip below) the whole "oh really, what happened next?  did you fly through the air?  incredibly?  like a bird?  did you participate in the miracle of flight, you non-contributing zero?"

 

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It's not a line, it's a look. Brian Regan's JFK amusement ride bit, when he turns his head....the first time I saw that was the absolute hardest I've laughed.

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"Here's a guy with an ingenious mind. He'd call a football play like this...."Now, listen to this, now. Uh, Arnie, go down, uh, ten steps and cut left behind the black Chevy. Filbert, you run down to my house and wait in the living room. Cosby, you go down to 3rd Street, catch the "J" bus. Have him open the doors at 19th Street. I'll fake it to you."

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4 hours ago, Hornius Emeritus said:

"Here's a guy with an ingenious mind. He'd call a football play like this...."Now, listen to this, now. Uh, Arnie, go down, uh, ten steps and cut left behind the black Chevy. Filbert, you run down to my house and wait in the living room. Cosby, you go down to 3rd Street, catch the "J" bus. Have him open the doors at 19th Street. I'll fake it to you."

I listened to a shit-ton of Cosby records growing up.  Loved his recounting of his childhood adventures such as the buck-buck tale and  the movie theater.

Still fucked up what a shithead he turned out to be...He was funny as hell, until suddenly he wasn't.

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Carol Leifer, with perhaps the greatest joke ever told by a female comic: 

“I don’t have any kids. Well, (takes on douchey guy look while polishing nails on shirt) none that I know of!”

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10 hours ago, pyrohornIII said:

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Stephen Wright?

"I bought some used paint.  It came in the shape of a house."

"I bought a life-size map of the United States.  It said "one mile equals one mile.""

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It’s amazing that Norm’s question to Jerry was “do you think this will hurt Cosby’s legacy?”. Yeah, yeah I think it just might.

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1 hour ago, Native Horn said:

Stephen Wright?

"I bought some used paint.  It came in the shape of a house."

"I bought a life-size map of the United States.  It said "one mile equals one mile.""

my two favorites were always:

"you can't have everything.  where would you put it?"

"why is the alphabet in that order?  is it cause of that song?  the guy who wrote that wrote everything."

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1 hour ago, Red Five said:

It’s amazing that Norm’s question to Jerry was “do you think this will hurt Cosby’s legacy?”. Yeah, yeah I think it just might.

When was it filmed? If it was right after the initial accusation(s) but he hadn't gone to jail yet and the me too stuff hadn't kicked off yet then it could have been a valid question. 

Of course since it's Norm it was probably filmed last November 

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20 minutes ago, SuingToGetAMessageBoard? said:

srsly, guys.  you'll recall norm is employed in the comedy business.

srsly, that wuz my point

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51 minutes ago, SuingToGetAMessageBoard? said:

(i was agreeing because I was equally flummoxed by the commentary above)

Ok.  I think I agree.  I was flummoxed by your response to my response to Junior Miller's commentary.

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"No Reason to hit Women?  NO Reason?!?  I could give you 17 right now off the top of my head.  You just don't do it!"

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20 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Ok.  I think I agree.  I was flummoxed by your response to my response to Junior Miller's commentary.

All good comedians ask questions to set up punch lines but only Norm is completely comfortable asking the absolute dumbest, worst questions to do it. It's part of what makes him great

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