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Prepuce of Doom

Shart Thread 2019: Year of the Squirt

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So I just sat on the couch. It's wet. I ask the wife why and she tells me the 3 year old sharted while sitting on it and it needed to be cleaned.

6 year old pipes up, "I remember my first shart!" and proceeds to tell us when and where it happened.

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I'm clean for 2019, but not so for the previous 7. It's coming. Just a matter of when and where.
Just keep eating the way you do and it'll happen for sure.

The last time I made leftover Manwich naoch is the last time I experienced a Shart Attack.

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3 hours ago, Whatever said:

Just keep eating the way you do and it'll happen for sure.

The last time I made leftover Manwich naoch is the last time I experienced a Shart Attack.

Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but I for one am not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth leftover Manwich naoch. Gentlemen!

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Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but I for one am not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth leftover Manwich naoch. Gentlemen!
No badmouthing at all. I'll make them again and if I encounter another shart attack it will be well worth it.

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Barrel aged stouts are my colon's kryptonite. The day after is constant pressure down below and a complete lack of trust that my o-ring will hold so I spend significant time on the toilet. But I love them and will continue drinking them and as long as I"m smart will be able to never contribute substantively to this thread.

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Got "The scope" coming up next week, and need a ruling- Do sharts during the "cleansing" process count, since they're medically enhanced?

Same way we don't recognize Bonds/McGwire's homers for HoF consideration, due to the PEDs, right?

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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, 'stache said:

Barrel aged stouts are my colon's kryptonite.

If I were to marry a shit it would be a stout shit. There's an unwavering realness there. What comes out looks just like what came in.
I don't want any surprises after I say "I do". 

Edited by Marfa Low Crown

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6 hours ago, NWBuck said:

Got "The scope" coming up next week, and need a ruling- Do sharts during the "cleansing" process count, since they're medically enhanced?

Same way we don't recognize Bonds/McGwire's homers for HoF consideration, due to the PEDs, right?

Shart away.  There is no judgement here.  You are in the trust tree.

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6 minutes ago, Mudcat35 said:

My wife joined the club this week.  No adverse reaction to food, just waited too long to go.  SMDH.

Username checks out.

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I'm not gonna lie. When i opened this forum and noticed the shart thread on top, showing the most recent contributor as Mudcat35.......I had high hopes. 

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I've scoffed at this thread, since I haven't sharted since binge drinking in college and eating Taco Bell.  But fuck me if it didn't happen last week.

Standing outside our hotel in Cabo waiting for our ride to take us ATV riding.  My kids are there with some of their friends, just joking around, having fun, feeling comfortable, when I think, you know, I should probably let this pent up pressure go before getting into the van ...  bad idea.

I'm in shorts and grab the edges before anything oozes out in front of a bunch of teenagers that would mock me until I died.  I duck walked back into the lobby past people checking in looking at me like I was retarded, found the bathrooms and - thank god - they had a unisex type solo bathroom.  Whipped off the shorts, washed them off in the sink, and did a full on baby ass wiping with approximately a shitload of towels.

So now my gray shorts are clean but obviously soaking wet, but fuck it, I walk out head held high, as if I always wear wet shorts.  Go back outside, van is there, and I get in the front seat and roll down the window.  My kids and their friends never suspected a thing.

I shall never scoff again.

 

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On 8/8/2019 at 7:51 PM, Whatever said:

So I just sat on the couch. It's wet. I ask the wife why and she tells me the 3 year old sharted while sitting on it and it needed to be cleaned.

6 year old pipes up, "I remember my first shart!" and proceeds to tell us when and where it happened.

Jesus fucking Christ. Parent of the year award. I didn't learn shart until I was in my 20's. Keep being you sir and teaching the good word. 

 

1 hour ago, Mach 1 said:

I shall never scoff again.

Welcome, Mach. Welcome. 

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Nachos and a corn dog for lunch, and there will be much booze consumed this evening. I may as well not even pretend and pick up a box depends along with my beer. 

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On 8/9/2019 at 3:01 PM, NWBuck said:

Got "The scope" coming up next week, and need a ruling- Do sharts during the "cleansing" process count, since they're medically enhanced?

Same way we don't recognize Bonds/McGwire's homers for HoF consideration, due to the PEDs, right?

On 8/9/2019 at 9:43 PM, Hate said:

Shart away.  There is no judgement here.  You are in the trust tree.

Happy to report that I'm still "clean" for this year... in spite of spending a sleepless night peeing out of my butt.

Thanks for the well wishes.

 

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On 7/15/2019 at 12:08 PM, Marfa Low Crown said:

A Sunday lunch at Kim Phung in Austin once cost me my boxer shorts, my undershirt, and both socks. I made it as far as Pronto mart in Hyde Park and emerged from their bathroom barefooted and humbled 30 minutes later. A few years later I surrendered a pair of underwear to the restroom trash can in Pho Da Loi in Atlanta. Unsure where to turn, this thread is an inspiration to people like myself. 

Good fucking Lord, have you no shame?

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On 8/18/2019 at 4:53 PM, SimonBolivar said:

My first of the year. Long hike and then fajitas...didnt see it coming.

You never do. 

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Welp.... had the worst eggs benedict of my life at a San Antonio area Jim's this morning and spent the drive home squirming in the seat
with butt cheeks in full clench mode. No regrets though, to me it's worth the risk of shitting in my own car than doing so in a Jim's bathroom. 


I made it home. It was real close... keys fumbling at the front door in sheer panic... but I made it and it's at this point I'd like to say that if you haven't sharted with the assistance of a squatty potty you're missing out. We hit some fine notes - a cacophonous shart paired with the bowel opening power of the squatty potty isn't too far off from the raw glory of, say, an SG plugged into a Marshall stack.  It's a classic you're not likely to improve upon. Still looking for the squatty potty to gift me the legendary unbroken two footer, but in the meantime I'll take musical moments like today. 

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On 8/29/2019 at 11:56 AM, Marfa Low Crown said:

the legendary unbroken two footer

few things in life make you more proud.  I hope you experience it, someday. 

metamucil helps, though it is a considered a PED

Edited by futureman

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OK, so I have been having an issue lately, which, while not sharting per se, is causing me distress.  When I go to blow mud, for some god forsaken reason, I seem to get a big blob on the inside of my right butt cheek.  Not the left, and not every time, but it creates a real wiping ordeal.  Why it is not projecting straight down into the bowl has me perplexed.  This injustice needs to end.

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5 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

You probably have a hairy butt crack on the right side and it's catching the mud.  You just need to shave your butt crack.

yeah Bruin.  wax your browneye and get wet wipes

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I have previously restricted my manscaping to the franks and beans area.  I fear catastrophic results trying to do anything back there.

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8 minutes ago, Sbbruin said:

I have previously restricted my manscaping to the franks and beans area.  I fear catastrophic results trying to do anything back there.

 

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44 minutes ago, Sbbruin said:

OK, so I have been having an issue lately, which, while not sharting per se, is causing me distress.  When I go to blow mud, for some god forsaken reason, I seem to get a big blob on the inside of my right butt cheek.  Not the left, and not every time, but it creates a real wiping ordeal.  Why it is not projecting straight down into the bowl has me perplexed.  This injustice needs to end.

We've discussed this before. When you had the colonoscopy done they did not completely tighten things up on the way out and it sounds like they cross-threaded your O-ring as well leading to an uneven spray/distribution of coal. You should dispute the bill. 

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3 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

We've discussed this before. When you had the colonoscopy done they did not completely tighten things up on the way out and it sounds like they cross-threaded your O-ring as well leading to an uneven spray/distribution of coal. You should dispute the bill. 

Maybe I'll just use some CLR on my sphincter.  Could just be some lime and scale buildup.  Will report back.

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You probably have a hairy butt crack on the right side and it's catching the mud.  You just need to shave your butt crack.

And make sure you bleach your asshole.

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On 8/8/2019 at 7:51 PM, Whatever said:

So I just sat on the couch. It's wet. I ask the wife why and she tells me the 3 year old sharted while sitting on it and it needed to be cleaned.

6 year old pipes up, "I remember my first shart!" and proceeds to tell us when and where it happened.

Kinda dusty in here.

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3 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Kinda dusty in here.

Bravo!  Whatever is raising them right.

Edited by Mudcat35

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On 9/4/2019 at 6:28 PM, demos said:


And make sure you bleach your asshole.

He's in L.A.   There's a 99% chance that he already does.

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