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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

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2 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Glitter is no longer allowed in my house in any form or fashion.  If you send me a card of any kind that has glitter on it you are crossed off of my list for ever more.

What’s your mailing address? I’d like to send you a happy new year card. 

https://pranksanonymous.com/product/glitter-bomb/

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Our trash day is Wednesday, so Thursday this week with the holiday.  I got up this morning and started taking all the trash out.  We had quite a bit with all the empty boxes.  While I'm taking them out, Mrs. asks "Do you think they'll take it all?". 

Me:  Not sure

Mrs:  What if they don't?

Me:  Then I'll be bringing some back in.

Mrs: Or we could leave what's out there now and wait until next week for the rest.

Me: I'll just take it all out now.

Mrs: But what if they don't take it all?

Me: What if they do?

Around 9:00 this morning I get a text telling me that the took it all.

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Mrs ABSR texts:  "Where are the kids?  Can you let them know there is a car going around offering pizzas to kids to go into a truck. Ford F-250."

ABSR:  "Kids playing  with their friends X and Y.  kids can't have pizza because not gluten free, but I will keep my eye out in case I get hungry!"

....I wasn't going to have sex tonight anyway.

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6 hours ago, Ten Bears said:
On 12/30/2019 at 2:54 PM, Pato del Muerto said:
Surprisingly, it’s just her not understanding how the system works. In auto, it only runs the floor vents. 
also, her commute is 3 minutes so she’s rarely in it long enough for the engine to get to temp. 
when I forced it to run the dash vents and let it warm up, hot air blows. 

I had that short of a commute and ended up with tons of parrifin sludge built up in my engine because it didn't get hot enough to burn it off or some shit.

it was a Saab, wasn't it?

 

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That actually happened multiple times to my mom. She left our old manual transmission truck parked on a hill, without the parking brake on, more than once. It proceeded to either pop out of gear (or she also left it in neutral), and it ran down the hill until it stopped by hitting whatever was at the bottom. Fortunately no one was killed. 

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As the originator of this thread, I humbly offer the following. I promise, I'm not making this up.

Wife calls me at work from the home land line. We still have a land line to run the closed captioning phone for her.

Wife:. I'm calling you from the home number because I can't find my cell phone. I think I left out at Costco.
Me:. You know you can find it. Just go get your laptop or iPad and I'll walk you thru it
Wife:. Okay. Let me get my phone.
(At this point, Hulla thinks, 'Surely she isn't going to go pick up her cell phone.....)
Her:. Okay. Got my phone...... What do I......,.. Shit. Nevermind.



Gold.
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We are at a two day volleyball tournament in San Antonio where you can buy a one day bracelet for $10 or a two day bracelet for $15.

Wife: why do we need the two day bracelet?
Me: because it's $30 as opposed to $40.
Wife: where are you getting those numbers? It's only $10 a day.
Me:
Wife: what?

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23 minutes ago, chikin23 said:

We are at a two day volleyball tournament in San Antonio where you can buy a one day bracelet for $10 or a two day bracelet for $15.

Wife: why do we need the two day bracelet?
Me: because it's $30 as opposed to $40.
Wife: where are you getting those numbers? It's only $10 a day.
Me:
Wife: what?

what if you buy her a single day bracelet, then cut it in half and use the other half tomorrow.

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1 hour ago, chikin23 said:

We are at a two day volleyball tournament in San Antonio where you can buy a one day bracelet for $10 or a two day bracelet for $15.

Wife: why do we need the two day bracelet?
Me: because it's $30 as opposed to $40.
Wife: where are you getting those numbers? It's only $10 a day.
Me:
Wife: what?

What makes this so egregious is that if the item in question were shoes or something she would want to purchase she would have bragged about the "savings" by buying multiple items or in bulk.

Edited by Grade of D as in David
Typo
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7 hours ago, hullabelew said:

As the originator of this thread, I humbly offer the following. I promise, I'm not making this up.

Wife calls me at work from the home land line. We still have a land line to run the closed captioning phone for her.

Wife:. I'm calling you from the home number because I can't find my cell phone. I think I left out at Costco.
Me:. You know you can find it. Just go get your laptop or iPad and I'll walk you thru it
Wife:. Okay. Let me get my phone.
(At this point, Hulla thinks, 'Surely she isn't going to go pick up her cell phone.....)
Her:. Okay. Got my phone...... What do I......,.. Shit. Nevermind.
 

QONVIyz.gif

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11 hours ago, hullabelew said:

As the originator of this thread, I humbly offer the following. I promise, I'm not making this up.

Wife calls me at work from the home land line. We still have a land line to run the closed captioning phone for her.

Wife:. I'm calling you from the home number because I can't find my cell phone. I think I left out at Costco.
Me:. You know you can find it. Just go get your laptop or iPad and I'll walk you thru it
Wife:. Okay. Let me get my phone.
(At this point, Hulla thinks, 'Surely she isn't going to go pick up her cell phone.....)
Her:. Okay. Got my phone...... What do I......,.. Shit. Nevermind.
 

Image result for we're not worthy gif

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  • My wife refuses to acknowledge that turning the AC control to this symbol with the air blowing on full blast won't make the heat come on faster.

defrost-symbol-260nw-43561639.jpg

I have even showed her repeatedly that when the glass is fogged & I flip it to this setting, the fog goes away... & when I turn it back to the dash vents, the fog will reappear.

But repeatedly, without fail, I can get into her Tahoe & find the diverter pushed to this setting.

& Every time I explain it to her again, she calls me an asshole that "always has to be right.".  So I push the envelope & respond with "Well, for someone to be right then apparently the other person is wrong.".
That doesn't go over well, but I sure as fuck do enjoy having her recognize that she just admitted she was wrong.

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On January 2, 2020 at 11:33 AM, Not that Bob said:

Christmas decorations with glitter. Before impeachment, yay or nay. Before gun control, yay or nay. Before drug law reform, yay or nay. Before any of that mundane shit, glitter should be outlawed. In fairness she did throw away the worst offenders, but that shit should never be in a house in the first place. There will be this year's glitter somewhere in the house when it's time to put up 2020 decorations. "It looks pretty", she says. "Yeah? Well not in August!", says I. Response...tone. 

You've got cover. Go get yourself a lap dance. 

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On 12/13/2019 at 12:35 PM, blacklab said:

10yo is going to 6th grade/junior high next year.

Wife makes comment that it's going to be a pain in the ass to go to lunch with the kids because 9yo will still be in elementary school.

I let her know she shouldn't be going to junior high with the kid in junior as people will make fun of him.

She argues and argues about kids aren't mean, they wouldn't do that, other mothers go there, etc. etc.

Fast forward to this week and she's talking to a neighbor who has a kid at the junior high. Asks about going to lunch to see her kid. Neighbor laughs at wife and says "I wouldn't ever go to eat with them, they'd be made fun of by all of the other kids forever if I did that"

Why the fuck do women believe a stranger over their husband? What really drives me nuts is when it's something I have more knowledge than the average person like setting up a website or fixing a computer.

Her: The homeless guy said my computer is probably running slow because I have a virus!

Me: No, it's because you have 100 tabs open in chrome and it's using all the memory on your laptop. get laptop, show task manager, show her she's using all the memory.

Her: That can't be it. Can you scan for viruses?

me: ok

I go reboot computer and hand it back

her: OMG it's so much faster, did you find a virus?

me: uh, yeah

Wash rinse repeat.

I've been telling my wife for the last year to stop playing with the dog so rough because it will cause the dog to be more aggressive.

She takes the dog to red bud yesterday and the dog gets in a few fights. Owner of one of the dogs asks if she plays rough with the dog.

It is now very important that no one play rough with the dog.

 

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I am currently frustrated with my wife’s lack of understanding of the robot vacuum.  I don’t want to type a dissertation here, but I could. 
synopsis is that she thinks it should just clean around everything without issues. I tell her how it senses things and works and how I use virtual walls to keep it out of trouble, but she can’t be moving shit around and expect it to function. 
“well I just wanted something to help with the floors!”  

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15 minutes ago, blacklab said:

Wash rinse repeat.

I've been telling my wife for the last year to stop playing with the dog so rough because it will cause the dog to be more aggressive.

She takes the dog to red bud yesterday and the dog gets in a few fights. Owner of one of the dogs asks if she plays rough with the dog.

It is now very important that no one play rough with the dog.

 

I assume you called her out on it and spent the night on the couch?

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Got the wife a gle 350 6 months ago. We have one of those buffet all you can wash car washes that does remarkably well and doesnt damage the paint.

However, I guess the way her license plate on the front is laid out, the carpet strips grab it on both sides and almost square it off. So she orders a new plate, one of those black plates with the texas star to the left.

I tell her this morning "when it comes in I will take off the license plate holder, add some small black carriage bolts on each side to keep it from peeling back".

Answer: No I dont want a bunch of holes drilled in my new car"

After explaining it was just in to the license plate holder, that I would literally remove and then install the bolts, she said she would take her chances.

Disclaimer: I am very mechanically inclined and fix just about everything around this house.

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2 minutes ago, markstanco said:
6 minutes ago, Francisco 2.0 said:
This is Exhibit A of when you just fix something without explaining step by step what you are doing to the spouse, and she would never notice the difference.
 
 

I was looking for points. But yes, I will do it anyway.

Oh, I understand.

I've had both extremes in my life.  My ex; she would literally stand over me while I did the most simple crap and constantly ask/critique/make commentary.  Wife #2 couldn't care less; if something needs done, she just wants it taken care of.  I can give her the play by play, but she just wants results.

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