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51 minutes ago, Nice Guy Eddie said:

I understand this opinion and it's my first inclination in having a family member in prison but I've come to learn that prisons give very little to prisoners. You get soap, clothes and a toothbrush. You want toothpaste or deodorant you have to buy it at the commissary. At least in Texas.

He had to buy a pillow and bowls, plates, etc.  Also, they hit you for 10% when you add anything to his account. Crazy.

22 minutes ago, thunderlounge said:

So add more debt, on top of the 90k?

 

week wife GIF

Same debt, just restructured.

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Not to pile on, but once you have a plan for the immediate financial problems you need to be prepared for when he gets out.  My brother basically bankrupted my dad multiple times because of his drug issues.  It took a couple decades for my father to cut him off and he paid the price greatly with his retirement (and me and my sibling's college funds).

 

HELOC seems like the easiest play here.  Whatever you do, get out from under that high interest debt.

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First off, you seem like a good person and I'm sorry for everything that happened.

There is some useful directional advice above, but I think you may be missing an element of number-crunching before determining your final COAs.

Now that things are back to "normal" (based on the at short-term closure of your son's situations), what is your actual current monthly cash-flow surplus after accounting for all overhead bills, gas/insurance, food, discretionary purchases, and of course, existing debt service costs

You mentioned familiarity with Dave Ramsey, which would indicate you're pretty well-versed in the mechanics of actual/no-shit/budgeting and hopefully keep pretty close track of inflows/outflows on a monthly basis.  If not, the FIRST THING I would do is start fresh on February 1 and track, log, audit every single penny that you and your wife spend (no matter how small) and organize those expenses into spreadsheet format in relation to your take-home-pay (based on current taxes + 401k contributions).  Assuming you both have pretty steady income, you can then amortize (based on February's results) exactly how much "progress" is feasibly possible on an annual basis based on status quo expenditures.

Based on your apparent frugality, there may not be much low-hanging fruit for cutting back spending, but if you're already running something like a $3K surplus per month then it's really not that much of a crisis and you can confidently roll into restructuring/reservicing based on variety of calculations cost/benefit comparisons.

Conversely, if you're only able to "save" like a grand per month (or less) then I think you need to take a more holistic look at your financial situation (and yes, housing situation) if your wife is truly incapable/unwilling to contribute additional income.  I don't know how old your other kids are, but I kind of struggle with your wife's expectation of having a fully paid-off "family size" house if the long-term use case is only for her to live there on her own-ish once you are dead.  But we can drill down on that further once we obtain some more data regarding your go-forward cash flow situation.

If you are truly cash-deficient, then I would also consider/explore some strategic defaults on several of those credit cards (depending on how the balances are spread out currently) before knocking out huge balances with a 401k loan.  I'm not an expert in this area, but I would presume you could do a 2-3 month default and then negotiate a chargeoff payment (or way lower interest rate?) to clear the balance and move-on.  This will obviously impact your short-term credit rating, but may be well worth the cumulative benefit especially if you don't foresee a need for new financing any time soon (note: obviously you would do this after your HELOC/REFI or whatever is decided for/against). 

Nuclear option would also be to roll the dice on a balls-deep, across the board default, and then just change your cell phone numbers and let the chips fall where they may with the collections + civil judgments.  While I consider this to be a generally unethical action, but a case could be made that it's not as scummy since you used the money for terrible legal nightmare (as opposed to opulent bullshit), but that's between you and God.  Also fair to mention that nobody forced these card companies to issue unsecured debt in the first place, and perhaps our whole country would be in way better shape with respect to inflation + financial well-being if they did not extend such enormous credit lines at usurious rates that don't really lead anywhere else than moral hazard in most cases.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Muny_Tex
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Also: I alluded to HELOCs but to do not endorse/recommend whatsoever.  The 401k loan is the ONLY form of "new debt" that I would remotely support, and that's probably only if you decide to go down the road of using that $$$ in concert with some strategic defaults + chargeoffs (since you can always pull that 401k lever regardless of your credit score situation.)

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18 hours ago, Muny_Tex said:

First off, you seem like a good person and I'm sorry for everything that happened.

There is some useful directional advice above, but I think you may be missing an element of number-crunching before determining your final COAs.

Now that things are back to "normal" (based on the at short-term closure of your son's situations), what is your actual current monthly cash-flow surplus after accounting for all overhead bills, gas/insurance, food, discretionary purchases, and of course, existing debt service costs

You mentioned familiarity with Dave Ramsey, which would indicate you're pretty well-versed in the mechanics of actual/no-shit/budgeting and hopefully keep pretty close track of inflows/outflows on a monthly basis.  If not, the FIRST THING I would do is start fresh on February 1 and track, log, audit every single penny that you and your wife spend (no matter how small) and organize those expenses into spreadsheet format in relation to your take-home-pay (based on current taxes + 401k contributions).  Assuming you both have pretty steady income, you can then amortize (based on February's results) exactly how much "progress" is feasibly possible on an annual basis based on status quo expenditures.

Based on your apparent frugality, there may not be much low-hanging fruit for cutting back spending, but if you're already running something like a $3K surplus per month then it's really not that much of a crisis and you can confidently roll into restructuring/reservicing based on variety of calculations cost/benefit comparisons.

Conversely, if you're only able to "save" like a grand per month (or less) then I think you need to take a more holistic look at your financial situation (and yes, housing situation) if your wife is truly incapable/unwilling to contribute additional income.  I don't know how old your other kids are, but I kind of struggle with your wife's expectation of having a fully paid-off "family size" house if the long-term use case is only for her to live there on her own-ish once you are dead.  But we can drill down on that further once we obtain some more data regarding your go-forward cash flow situation.

If you are truly cash-deficient, then I would also consider/explore some strategic defaults on several of those credit cards (depending on how the balances are spread out currently) before knocking out huge balances with a 401k loan.  I'm not an expert in this area, but I would presume you could do a 2-3 month default and then negotiate a chargeoff payment (or way lower interest rate?) to clear the balance and move-on.  This will obviously impact your short-term credit rating, but may be well worth the cumulative benefit especially if you don't foresee a need for new financing any time soon (note: obviously you would do this after your HELOC/REFI or whatever is decided for/against). 

Nuclear option would also be to roll the dice on a balls-deep, across the board default, and then just change your cell phone numbers and let the chips fall where they may with the collections + civil judgments.  While I consider this to be a generally unethical action, but a case could be made that it's not as scummy since you used the money for terrible legal nightmare (as opposed to opulent bullshit), but that's between you and God.  Also fair to mention that nobody forced these card companies to issue unsecured debt in the first place, and perhaps our whole country would be in way better shape with respect to inflation + financial well-being if they did not extend such enormous credit lines at usurious rates that don't really lead anywhere else than moral hazard in most cases.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We're running at a $1300/month deficit right now after everything.  Our monthly CC payments have ballooned to $2916.50/mo, mortgage is $1521.86/mo.

We have 3 kids,  22 year old is the youngest and in school.

 

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I was curious about my own 401k loan options. As others have said, 50K max but only up to 50% of vested contributions. Someone would have to have personally contributed 100K to get the 50K.  And I surprised that my interest rate would be 9.5% for up to 60 months.

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2 hours ago, Pokoloco said:

We're running at a $1300/month deficit right now after everything.  Our monthly CC payments have ballooned to $2916.50/mo, mortgage is $1521.86/mo.

We have 3 kids,  22 year old is the youngest and in school.

 

Not normally an advocate of ducking obligations but cutting up the credit cards and stop making payments toward that debt might not be the worst decision you've ever made.

When they eventually call you to collect you can explain that you do not have the money to pay them but you would consider trying to pay some "settled" amount in exchange for forgiveness of the rest of the obligation.  Let them twist for a bit (months most likely and when they reach out again make the same offer).  I'm not sure exactly what that process would look like but I know they can't throw you in jail, take your house or dock your pay over unsecured consumer debt.  Are these cards issued through your bank or just the Citibank, Capital One's of the world?  It would certainly kill your credit but if you already have your house financing secure and reliable transportation, or the ability to pay cash for cars in the near future, I would think you'd survive and have a monthly surplus of 1,600 instead of a deficit of 1,300.

ALL OF THIS PRESUPPOSES THAT YOU ARE NOT CONTINUING TO SPEND MORE THAN YOU BRING IN!!!

I don't have any idea what effect this strategy might have on the FAFSA / Financial aid for your college student. 

Is the son, spawn of both you and your wife, or just you and an ex?

Sorry you're in that spot and good luck!!

Edited by orange dream
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We're running at a $1300/month deficit right now after everything.  Our monthly CC payments have ballooned to $2916.50/mo, mortgage is $1521.86/mo.
We have 3 kids,  22 year old is the youngest and in school.
 

Your wife needs to earn more money. She’s supposed to be your partner. Unless she has tattoos on her face, she should be able to find an office job that pays $30-50K/yr.
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1 hour ago, Nice Guy Eddie said:

I was curious about my own 401k loan options. As others have said, 50K max but only up to 50% of vested contributions. Someone would have to have personally contributed 100K to get the 50K.  And I surprised that my interest rate would be 9.5% for up to 60 months.

Also a couple of other things that should be mentioned about 401(k) loans in general:  1). Whatever amount you withdraw for the loan is not participating in investment earnings.  2). The interest rate is somewhat irrelevant, as that is credited to your account as payments are made.  Obviously you wouldn't want to pay some exorbitant interest rate to yourself, but it is all going back in your account. 3). If your 401(k) account is a  pre-tax account (not a Roth), your loan payments will be deducted from your paycheck after taxes.  Unlike your normal employee contributions, which are pre-tax deductions.  And last, if something happens with your job and you terminate employment with the company, you will be required to pay back the entire amount due for the loan within a relatively short time (90 days maybe?).  If you do not pay it back, you would owe a 10% tax penalty in addition to regular federal taxes.

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20 minutes ago, luke duke said:


Your wife needs to earn more money. She’s supposed to be your partner. Unless she has tattoos on her face, she should be able to find an office job that pays $30-50K/yr.

Correct.  She wants the house paid off free and clear in 24 months, this is only way that is going to happen and frankly will be the best overall plan in connection with the immediate 401k/heloc loan to lower some of the interest

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$2,900 for cc payments is brutal and I bet the principal barely moves each month. I assume you can effectively move the debt to a heloc or 401k loan but you still might be at a monthly deficit. That’s not sustainable.

As you and others have said, you need more cash flow. I would cut expenses as deep as possible. Give yourself a Netflix account and that will be your entertainment for the next 3 years. Prime Amazon, other subscriptions, etc. all gone. Cut retirement savings down to the match level. The other kids get nothing for a while.

if you can increase the household income and cut expenses, you can knock this out in a few years.

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5 hours ago, Pokoloco said:

We're running at a $1300/month deficit right now after everything.  Our monthly CC payments have ballooned to $2916.50/mo, mortgage is $1521.86/mo.

We have 3 kids,  22 year old is the youngest and in school.

 

That's really tough man, and I'm not sure the math/feasibility is on your side even with a max 401k loan.  I thought for a minute that a home sale + downgrade may be best in the long-run, but gonna be damn difficult (if not impossible) to replicate a viable long-term living situation at fixed cost of ~$1500/mo without a brutal quality of life disruption, even in Oklahoma.

I hate to say it, but all signs point to default unless your wife is willing to ante up immensely on the income side of the equation.  That said, a wife-centered ultimatum (and forced employment arrangement) could lead to even more acute issues that may completely destroy you financially if an acrimonious divorce materializes as a result.  Although it is generally bullshit (and very selfish) that she's not willing to work more to dig out of this disaster, she's also the wife you chose (and ultimately have kept)...so please tread lightly (and understand the risks) if you suddenly decide to lay down the law with her.

The "good" news is in a default scenario you will not be lying to any of your creditors, the fact of the matter is a family crisis put you far beyond the point of traditional repayment, and they will now face some of the consequences for lending to you beyond your means (assuming you did not misrepresent your household income).  You're not trying to have cake and eat it too...you already drive old/cheaper cars and it's not as if you are trying to keep a vacation home or boating hobby in motion while this inferno burns. 

It's been mentioned a couple of times now, but unsecured debt is really not that catastrophic (at least based on how I understand the rules/laws).  It will certainly suck in several ways, but even if you were in a forced bankruptcy situation (which you're absolutely not) your main assets (house + 401k) are gonna be protected anyway.  

Best wishes out there and don't allow this to wreck your personal esteem.  Everyone makes mistakes, and at the root, all you seemingly were trying to do was be a loving parent; even if it went beyond your own rational good sense.

Edited by Muny_Tex
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3 hours ago, orange dream said:

 

Is the son, spawn of both you and your wife, or just you and an ex?

We've been married 33 years, he's ours. He is a perfect mix of her brother and my dad. It's crazy. We think kids come out as blank slates we can make into what we want. They have dna programmed and sometimes it's tough to overcome that.

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1 hour ago, luke duke said:


Your wife needs to earn more money. She’s supposed to be your partner. Unless she has tattoos on her face, she should be able to find an office job that pays $30-50K/yr.

No, she's still hot.. too hot to be dealing with this nonsense. She needs to find someone who can take care of her while she's still got it. 😆

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15 hours ago, Muny_Tex said:

I hate to say it, but all signs point to default unless your wife is willing to ante up immensely on the income side of the equation.  That said, a wife-centered ultimatum (and forced employment arrangement) could lead to even more acute issues that may completely destroy you financially if an acrimonious divorce materializes as a result.  Although it is generally bullshit (and very selfish) that she's not willing to work more to dig out of this disaster, she's also the wife you chose (and ultimately have kept)...so please tread lightly (and understand the risks) if you suddenly decide to lay down the law with her.

Really good advice from Muny all around, but this part can be reframed I think. It doesn't have to be forced employment or laying down the law. You can just present to her the situation and the options once you get a clear picture. Either we're going to default and have to go through a pretty grueling process over the next few years, or you'll need to get a job that pays (X amount). I assume you want her to be happy and you don't want to force her into anything. It needs to be a larger decision you both make as a couple and this part of the decision is more on her. If she asks your advice, you can give it, but I would avoid language that pressures her into the decision so that there isn't space for resentment to build and whatever choice she makes is hers to own. You're just presenting the facts and wanting her to be an active part of the process. 

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What is the point of her working and earning very little?  I get if she was a caretaker of minor children, but if your youngest is 22 it does seem like there could be a bit more of a contribution to the resolution of this situation.

Are there extenuating circumstances that make the work she is currently doing, all she can do?  I get that she may have gotten used to not "having" to contribute to cover "needs" but the circumstances seem to have changed significantly.

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Just me, but I would do anything to avoid bankruptcy and definitely attempt to not default on credit card debt. It's taking a problem and creating new ones further down the road. My mom defaulted on unsecured debt, fair amount of which went to an addicted grandchild, and it harmed her credit score. Now for her, she's in her 80s and will never apply for credit again. However everything has to be in my name (apartment lease, cable tv, electricity.)

I also believe that there a bit of moral aspect of paying off your debts. I know these banks are unethical but it doesn't change the fact that you agreed to pay them back. Just because the banks sometimes actively harm people, that doesn't relieve you of your obligation. If someone steals from me, should I steal from my neighbor?

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I think others have alluded to this but not mentioned it outright best as I can tell.  There are several low-interest cc's out there now, like 3% to 5%, you pay that % up front and then monthly payments are 1% or in some cases 2% of the balance.  12-18 month terms.  You gotta have a decent credit score like low 700's at least, which sounds like you do at this point.  3%/18 months is the best out there now, but seems like even 5%/12 mo would be better than your current situation.  You transfer the balance from the current cc's over to the new ones....and follow all the other advice in this thread about not running up more debt.  At the end of term...rinse/repeat.

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4 minutes ago, Parliament said:

How bad of a hit was it?  Like she can't get a loan of anykind?

Don't know. We're talking about a score that was in the mid 500s at one point but I think it's rebounded to the mid 600s now. She's at a point in her life that credit isn't that important especially that my credit can cover any subscriptions. Luckily her retirement income covers the necessities.

She doesn't have the ability to buy a car or apply for a credit card now. but I do have to keep certain family members from attempting to open a credit card on her behalf. Crazy when family members commit identity theft.

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I’m skipping a good deal of posts, but upon reflection I’d think that you need to solve your immediate and acute problem first. And if borrowing against your home equity does that, it should be looked at. Then things get stabilized and you can look at how to work on that additional debt secured by your home. 
 

stop the bleeding, then worry about the healing. 

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3 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

I’m skipping a good deal of posts, but upon reflection I’d think that you need to solve your immediate and acute problem first. And if borrowing against your home equity does that, it should be looked at. Then things get stabilized and you can look at how to work on that additional debt secured by your home. 
 

stop the bleeding, then worry about the healing. 

Great advice from everyone. I appreciate all our your input.  This is how we're leaning right now.

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I called to get a quote on a HELOC for a client today and it was 8%. Just to give you a frame of reference to compare what you’re paying on your CC. Never fun to replace debt with a different kind of debt but it might help with your cash flow issues. 

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HELOC is going to be the way to go. Get all the cards paid off from that, and cut them up.

That payment will be a lot less than the multiple current payments combined, which should help the in/out flow.

Worst case is you end up selling the house for some unforeseen circumstance, and the remaining balance gets cut off the top. Plus it keeps you from having to hit the 401k for only half (at most), and having multiple consolidations. 

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The problem is at this point the interest expense on the cards is bleeding you out.  Seems like the access to the $49K is the relief pressure valve you are looking for.  As has been said pay off highest and work diligently on the remaining balance.  I might even do a little research seeing if there are transfer offers on some of your cards and not others.  So maybe pay off a card in full that has a slightly lower rate to shift a balance to some promotional rate? Usually the fee to move the balance is a couple percent, so unless the rate is super low probably not worth it, but I would look for anything that could buy me some breathing room.

Sorry to hear about the issues with your son, I can only imagine the emotional toll it has taken on you past the financial toll.  

Past the $49K I guess I say go full austerity, as it's the only way to dig out.  Make a two year plan if you are dead set on not pulling from your home equity.  I am not a big proponent of bankruptcy, but if that's the path to your getting whole you have to consider it.  It sounds like you guys are just trying to hang onto the house, and be reasonably secure 10 years from now.  Bankruptcy could get you there conceivably?

As others have said a credit union might give you options beyond what you have now.  Having the wife go full time for two years, since she is the most adamant about no refi, it's not an unreasonable ask.  Good luck, hope the ball bounces yall's way!

 

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You and your wife might look into picking up shifts on door dash. Donate plasma etc…

Could your wife work as a nanny or babysitter? You can’t get one for less than $20 an hour these days. Pet sitters charge a fucking fortune. If she’s only making $7,000 currently she has time to pick up a second job. 
 

Side Hustle Ideas

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It's been mentioned already, but I will pile on.

Step 1a : austerity - I *hope* this is happening
Step 1b : find additional income; either your wife takes a job - any job - or you take a 2nd job
Step 2 : access your home equity or 401k ONLY if 1a is happening and really 1b should also happen.

with 90k of CC debt, I suspect the likelihood of getting a low-interest CC for transfer is low.

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Depends how aggressive you are willing to be. Most to least aggressive. It is unsecure debt and the banks have loss reserve for this reason

  • put all CC debt in wife's name; divorce then let her declare bankruptcy (you can declare bankruptcy without this but this protects your credit score)
  • stop paying CC debt, they will come to the table eventually. people are obsessed with credit scores but if you already own your home then who cares that it take a hit for a few years. negotiate like if CC companies won't reduce amounts/ payments then threaten to file for bankruptcy
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On 1/26/2024 at 2:53 PM, El Tri said:

nothing to add except it's complete bullshit that your wife is making you carry 100% of the load.

Welp..I'm short, ugly, balding, tiny dick. I'm extremely lucky to have her in the first place. I knew the deal going in. 

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Before you pay off any of the CC debt, call the companies and ask for relief, specifically lowering you interest rate.  Let them know your situation and that you plan on paying off X number of cards completely, whichever have the highest rates so if they lower their rate you will keep it open and keep paying on it (and they will keep making their interest).

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53 minutes ago, MonkeyDoughnut said:

Before you pay off any of the CC debt, call the companies and ask for relief, specifically lowering you interest rate.  Let them know your situation and that you plan on paying off X number of cards completely, whichever have the highest rates so if they lower their rate you will keep it open and keep paying on it (and they will keep making their interest).

Yep. asking for assistance while you're in good standing can't hurt. Maybe they will do nothing but laugh but it only cost you a phone call.

Others disagree but I think it's a mistake to default on the credit cards. Or at least all of them. I don't mean from a credit score standpoint but it never hurts to maintain a decent relationship with the banks. I'm repeating myself but I would just cut my expenses as far as possible and pay the credit cards. 

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HELOC or a full blown refi are the only things that make sense to me here.  Run the numbers on both.  It makes zero sense to worry about "getting house paid in full" when you are carrying that kind of high interest credit card debt.  You are just pissing money away monthly.  Get quotes for HELOC and full blown refi, run the numbers on what makes sense, then get out of credit card debt, cut up the cards and use debit card/ pay all bills from checking account, then use any excess each month to either pay off HELOC principal or mortgage principal to eventually get back where you are now with respect to home equity.

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2 hours ago, Skipper said:

HELOC or a full blown refi are the only things that make sense to me here.  Run the numbers on both.  It makes zero sense to worry about "getting house paid in full" when you are carrying that kind of high interest credit card debt.  You are just pissing money away monthly.  Get quotes for HELOC and full blown refi, run the numbers on what makes sense, then get out of credit card debt, cut up the cards and use debit card/ pay all bills from checking account, then use any excess each month to either pay off HELOC principal or mortgage principal to eventually get back where you are now with respect to home equity.

Not sure how far you are into your loan but if there’s a hang up about going back to 30 they have flex year loans that you can match up to your current year left (23, 26, etc)

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5 hours ago, Pokoloco said:

Welp..I'm short, ugly, balding, tiny dick. I'm extremely lucky to have her in the first place. I knew the deal going in. 

Was part of the deal birthing a child that would add 90k on top of the maintenance for the hot wife? Asking for a friend (she’s just as much responsible for that as you and should bear the financial burden as well) I get you are being cute but the answer is your wife gets a pass on everything and gets to just sit back and watch the family go into financial ruin because she’s too good to work. 

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