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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


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From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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3 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

So is that how you get them to stop leaving the tv on for the dog when it's at home, inside, on a rainy day?  

No, you do that by telling her that the reason she couldn't get that la-dee-da Coach purse she wanted is because of the money that has to be spent on electricity...

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On 11/4/2019 at 2:45 PM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

The "it's not done" concept is one that I struggled with for many years. Because it's NEVER done. A normal person furnishes a room, throws some paintings (or a giant ceramic crab, as the case may be) up on the wall and that's that. But not until it was explained to me that decor is a fluid, constantly changing ideal rather than something that has an absolute beginning and an end, did I truly give up. Good luck Celery. It only gets worse.

And for a more apropos contribution to this thread... my wife has an acquaintance who is a wedding planner. Apparently it is a thing now for there to be a special table at wedding receptions for the bride and groom. And it is apparently now a thing that the bride/groom table be something especially "unique". And it is apparently now competitive among brides in having an especially unique bride/groom table. And guess who has the most unique one-of-a-kind plates, table settings, furnishings, table cloths, nick knacks, etc?

And guess who was offered something like $1500-2000 per weekend to rent this shit out but thinks it's kinda trashy to rent out your personal stuff and doesn't want the hassle of people coming in and removing our stuff and is afraid for something to get damaged because, "That stuff is irreplaceable and they don't make those plates anymore and I don't want my stuff broken. And can you imagine them coming in and removing that loveseat right out of our living room for the weekend?" The most uncomfortable love seat known to man? Not only can I imagine them removing it and hopefully never bringing it back, but I'm pretty sure I would have an orgasm if somebody paid good American dollars for the pain of actually sitting on it. Are you fucking kidding me?

So in the most unbelievable upset in the history of mankind,  I was on the verge of monetizing all some of the ridiculous crap that my wife has procured over the years only to be kicked in the nuts. 

For some reason this post reminded me of this

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Been a while since I posted so thought of this thread today.

Unloaded the dishwasher (the appliance) today and noticed out of the 30-40 prongs on the bottom tray, at least ten are noticeably bent.

It’s not the kids, don’t think they know we even have a dishwasher.

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I had a medical emergency about a month ago and the doctor has told me I can't drive until Christmas. Gentlemen, please get the wreath fund filled up because I may not make it until the end of the year with my wife's driving. I tried to tell the doctor that me having a seizure behind the wheel is still much safer than my wife's normal driving. He didn't agree, but then again he hasn't driven with her yet.

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5 hours ago, Flg8rfan said:

Been a while since I posted so thought of this thread today.

Unloaded the dishwasher (the appliance) today and noticed out of the 30-40 prongs on the bottom tray, at least ten are noticeably bent.

It’s not the kids, don’t think they know we even have a dishwasher.

Anyone else notice when they pull the cleaned top drawer out all the heavy ass mugs are in the front and all the light plastic cups are in the back?  Logic man, logic.

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Anyone else notice when they pull the cleaned top drawer out all the heavy ass mugs are in the front and all the light plastic cups are in the back?  Logic man, logic.

Or in the few times I’ve watched her unload it, she pulls the bottom drawer out, doesn’t unload anything, then pulls the top drawer out so the plastic crap drips water on the bottom rack?
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6 minutes ago, troph said:

I’m working at my desk at home, she says “come out side and smell, it stinks.” I ask is it the trash because we “forgot” to take it to the curb last week, she said “no it smells different, it smells like nuclear war.”
 

She's seen smelled some shit.

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I’m working at my desk at home, she says “come out side and smell, it stinks.” I ask is it the trash because we “forgot” to take it to the curb last week, she said “no it smells different, it smells like nuclear war.”



That is odd af.

Can I ask an honest question?
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"What does nuclear war smell like?"

If you stop to think about that question in an even halfway serious frame of mind, you come to realize it's a lot like a Zen koan. If you're close enough to nuclear war to smell it, you won't smell a thing. If you're far enough away from it to still have olfactory nerves that process smells, you will more than likely smell a lot of dirty, smelly refugees fleeing the blast zone in hopes that their limbs don't fall off before they find an open hospital.

And, of course, it also raises an interesting question, what is smell, anyway? Does it exist outside of the frame of reference of a creature who can sense it? Sure, the particles that we physically experience as "odor" are there, but if they don't reach a nose, do they still "smell"?

The grand irony, of course, is that I asked my wife just now "what do you think nuclear war smells like?" and she said, "That reminds me. <Daughter's name>! Take out the trash!"

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And, of course, it also raises an interesting question, what is smell, anyway? Does it exist outside of the frame of reference of a creature who can sense it? Sure, the particles that we physically experience as "odor" are there, but if they don't reach a nose, do they still "smell"?


If a tree falls in the forest and your wife isn’t there to hear it, are you still an asshole?
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"What does nuclear war smell like?"
If you stop to think about that question in an even halfway serious frame of mind, you come to realize it's a lot like a Zen koan. If you're close enough to nuclear war to smell it, you won't smell a thing. If you're far enough away from it to still have olfactory nerves that process smells, you will more than likely smell a lot of dirty, smelly refugees fleeing the blast zone in hopes that their limbs don't fall off before they find an open hospital.
And, of course, it also raises an interesting question, what is smell, anyway? Does it exist outside of the frame of reference of a creature who can sense it? Sure, the particles that we physically experience as "odor" are there, but if they don't reach a nose, do they still "smell"?
The grand irony, of course, is that I asked my wife just now "what do you think nuclear war smells like?" and she said, "That reminds me. ! Take out the trash!"

I was having a pretty dull day...appreciate the intricacies of this thought process.


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The other day, we were in her car and I noticed my flip flops were in there. Asked her why, she said she used them the other day. That's fine but why didn't you bring them back inside. (Aside form the fact that she had to walk to or from her car without shoes at one point....)

Saturday rolls around and we take her car into the shop the inspection/oil change. They said it was going to be a couple of hours. Told them that I would pay now. and they could just lock the keys in the car and I would pick it up Sunday afternoon.

Sunday morning:

Me (needing to go outside to feed the chickens) : Sure do wish I had my flip flops.

Her : Fine! Do you want me to walk outside and get them for you?

Me : Yes, yes I would.

She walks outside

6 year old: But Dad....

Me : Wait for it......

Her walking back in and slamming the door. Me and boy die laughing : You're such an ass!

Edited by Jameslaw121
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25 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

The other day, we were in her car and I noticed my flip flops were in there. Asked her why, she said she used them the other day. That's fine but why didn't you bring them back inside. (Aside form the fact that she had to walk to or from her car without shoes at one point....)

Saturday rolls around and we take her car into the shop the inspection/oil change. They said it was going to be a couple of hours. Told them that I would pay now. and they could just lock the keys in the car and I would pick it up Sunday afternoon.

Sunday morning:

Me (needing to go outside to feed the chickens) : Sure do wish I had my flip flops.

Her : Fine! Do you want me to walk outside and get them for you?

Me : Yes, yes I would.

She walks outside

6 year old: But Dad....

Me : Wait for it......

Her walking back in and slamming the door. Me and boy die laughing : You're such an ass!

Your marriage sounds like it's regressing nicely...

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If a woman posts nonstop about how great her guy is, and then damn near a countdown to the wedding day, and then how great her “Hubby” or “hubs” is along with all the god is great stuff...and then 18 months after the wedding is posting memes like I was married but I’m better now and girl power stuff and her status is single, is it wrong for me to find one of those old posts and ask her what happened?

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Just now, Pato del Muerto said:

If a woman posts nonstop about how great her guy is, and then damn near a countdown to the wedding day, and then how great her “Hubby” or “hubs” is along with all the god is great stuff...and then 18 months after the wedding is posting memes like I was married but I’m better now and girl power stuff and her status is single, is it wrong for me to find one of those old posts and ask her what happened?

Only if you don't report back to the group

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1 hour ago, Pato del Muerto said:

If a woman posts nonstop about how great her guy is, and then damn near a countdown to the wedding day, and then how great her “Hubby” or “hubs” is along with all the god is great stuff...and then 18 months after the wedding is posting memes like I was married but I’m better now and girl power stuff and her status is single, is it wrong for me to find one of those old posts and ask her what happened?

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The other day, we were in her car and I noticed my flip flops were in there. Asked her why, she said she used them the other day. That's fine but why didn't you bring them back inside. (Aside form the fact that she had to walk to or from her car without shoes at one point....)
Saturday rolls around and we take her car into the shop the inspection/oil change. They said it was going to be a couple of hours. Told them that I would pay now. and they could just lock the keys in the car and I would pick it up Sunday afternoon.
Sunday morning:
Me (needing to go outside to feed the chickens) : Sure do wish I had my flip flops.
Her : Fine! Do you want me to walk outside and get them for you?
Me : Yes, yes I would.
She walks outside
6 year old: But Dad....
Me : Wait for it......
Her walking back in and slamming the door. Me and boy die laughing : You're such an ass!
All I got out of this is either she has big feet or you have small feet. My wife wears a size 5. I wear a size 15. She's not wearing my flip flops anywhere.
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46 minutes ago, Modessit said:
6 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:
 

All I got out of this is either she has big feet or you have small feet. My wife wears a size 5. I wear a size 15. She's not wearing my flip flops anywhere.

Lauren-and-Ryan-on-field1.jpg

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7 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

The other day, we were in her car and I noticed my flip flops were in there. Asked her why, she said she used them the other day. That's fine but why didn't you bring them back inside. (Aside form the fact that she had to walk to or from her car without shoes at one point....)

Saturday rolls around and we take her car into the shop the inspection/oil change. They said it was going to be a couple of hours. Told them that I would pay now. and they could just lock the keys in the car and I would pick it up Sunday afternoon.

Sunday morning:

Me (needing to go outside to feed the chickens) : Sure do wish I had my flip flops.

Her : Fine! Do you want me to walk outside and get them for you?

Me : Yes, yes I would.

She walks outside

6 year old: But Dad....

Me : Wait for it......

Her walking back in and slamming the door. Me and boy die laughing : You're such an ass!

Was your bathrobe in the car too by any chance? 

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I'm taking the kids out for dinner.  Wife works late as a nurse and gets home as we're getting ready to leave.  We got hit by a bunch of snow yesterday evening, which prompts me to go get the ice scraper out of her van's trunk.  Before I can even get there she says "I don't think it's in there, I think I took it out when I cleaned the car."  For starters, we live in the Midwest, there's no reason an ice scraper shouldn't just stay in the car at all times.  Second, I've never seen her clean out the trunk of the van in her life, she lives to fill it up with crap her mother gifts her on a regular basis.  

Still, I'm pretty certain there's an ice scraper in her car because the last time I cleaned out her trunk I saw it in there, that was another story.  Rather than get the scraper out of my car like she suggested and leaving myself stranded later, I tell her I'm going to look for hers.  I start walking back to the trunk and she beats me there.  I insist she let me dig through the garbage and she get back in the van and stay warm.  She's nearly fallen on her ass once in the snow and ice already, clumsy doesn't begin to describe her.  She doesn't listen.  She opens the trunk and starts rooting around bags of toys she's been stashing back there for the kid's Christmas.  I ask once more to let me look for the scraper as I can already picture it in my mind at the very bottom of the very full trunk.  She's not listening, and she's making it clear she doesn't want my help or she doesn't want me to see what's back there.  About this time as she's been moving boxes and bags out of the trunk she clips her head into the edge of the trunk door.  Wailing ensues with tears, the whole shebang.  I'm trying hard not to laugh as I ask "Are you bleeding?"  She says she can't tell with the snow falling on her head and what not, because cold snow looks and feels the same as warm, red blood.  I eventually convince her to get back in the van and I go ahead and grab my ice scraper because now she's bitching that it's getting late and the kids need to eat.

All through dinner she's complaining about the pain and wonders if she has a concussion.  "Maybe I should stay up all night just in case?"  I had offered to pickup food and bring it back to her so she could take some pain killers and relax.  When we finally get home I help get the kids inside, then head back to the trunk so I can figure out if I need to run to the store for a second ice scraper or not.  Sure enough as expected, at the very bottom of the trunk under the enormous piles of boxes and bags, is the ice scraper.  

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