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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

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9 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

In the last three days, my wife has successfully broken down a cardboard box before putting it in the outside recycling bin and she remembered to turn off the living room fan when she went to bed. What the hell is happening? The only explanation is that aliens kidnapped my actual wife and replaced her with some sort of replica. The replica was good enough to fool me until I saw her flip the fan switch off. That's when I had my Kaiser Soze moment.

Shocked The Usual Suspects GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Go for the clincher: Ask her/it for a blowjob.

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I have a 51 year old cousin who remarried after his first wife passed away. They had one kid who just graduated high school this year. His now wife has an 11 year old daughter and is now expecting twins. He will be 70 when they graduate HS.

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1 hour ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

I’ve seen that movie before I believe. Even though she’s younger than you she wants to spank you for being a very bad boy- bc she’s your mommy now.

You should definitely let her give you a bath. 

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2 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

It's some kind of bizzaro world where your older kids can buy beer for their uncle before he turns 21.  Talk about being the cool nephew/niece.

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On 6/6/2020 at 3:24 AM, ROFL BOX said:

My wife reposted some inane bullshit on FB & 2× she deleted my comment with 3 reasonable answers as to why it was fake.

The item was about how "the MSM won't show this to you - the Lincoln Memorial was totally defaced with vandalism & spray paint... this got deleted 3× today! Share it everywhere!".

So I reported her post to FB as fake news.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

My wife has been on a rampage reporting her dad's FB posts.

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35 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My wife was looking for something the other day and came across a cuckoo clock that her sister had bought for her as a gift 20 something years ago. She immediately goes into, "Where am I going to put this cuckoo clock?" mode. She furiously searches the house for 6 square inches of unused wall space, which is no easy task. She eventually decides to stick it in the guest bathroom. Then she decides that it would look too busy in there with the wallpaper. Then she starts really looking at the cuckoo clock more closely, and comes to the realization that it kinda sucks, is too small and rather cheap looking. Then of course she decides she needs to shop for a new cuckoo clock and eventually buys one. Then the new cuckoo clock shows up in the mail and now she can't figure out where she wants to hang it up. Again.

This is what it's all about, gentlemen.

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47 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My wife was looking for something the other day and came across a cuckoo clock that her sister had bought for her as a gift 20 something years ago. She immediately goes into, "Where am I going to put this cuckoo clock?" mode. She furiously searches the house for 6 square inches of unused wall space, which is no easy task. She eventually decides to stick it in the guest bathroom. Then she decides that it would look too busy in there with the wallpaper. Then she starts really looking at the cuckoo clock more closely, and comes to the realization that it kinda sucks, is too small and rather cheap looking. Then of course she decides she needs to shop for a new cuckoo clock and eventually buys one. Then the new cuckoo clock shows up in the mail and now she can't figure out where she wants to hang it up. Again.

I'm keeping a list of items right now going on at my house during my wife's 5 month spring break/COVID pregnancy experience.  I shall list them out when the daughter is born.  

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37 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

we are all just guests in Mitch's world 

Sometimes I think I'm just a guest here, too.

And of course my wife can't figure out why I'm pissed off moving the ladder all over the house trying out different spots for the new motherfucking cuckoo clock. "Move it over to the right just a little. No, I mean left. Try it up a little higher. Oh great, that's perfect. Well I don't know now. I'm just not sure. Let's try it i the kitchen instead. What do you think if we hang it over the doorway into the dining room?" FML.

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2 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Sometimes I think I'm just a guest here, too.

And of course my wife can't figure out why I'm pissed off moving the ladder all over the house trying out different spots for the new motherfucking cuckoo clock. "Move it over to the right just a little. No, I mean left. Try it up a little higher. Oh great, that's perfect. Well I don't know now. I'm just not sure. Let's try it i the kitchen instead. What do you think if we hang it over the doorway into the dining room?" FML.

it would be a got-damn shame if it fell to the floor and broke into 10,000 pieces ala the leg lamp in A Christmas Story 

 

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1 hour ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My wife was looking for something the other day and came across a cuckoo clock that her sister had bought for her as a gift 20 something years ago. She immediately goes into, "Where am I going to put this cuckoo clock?" mode. She furiously searches the house for 6 square inches of unused wall space, which is no easy task. She eventually decides to stick it in the guest bathroom. Then she decides that it would look too busy in there with the wallpaper. Then she starts really looking at the cuckoo clock more closely, and comes to the realization that it kinda sucks, is too small and rather cheap looking. Then of course she decides she needs to shop for a new cuckoo clock and eventually buys one. Then the new cuckoo clock shows up in the mail and now she can't figure out where she wants to hang it up. Again.

Because God forbid she get disowned from the family when her sister, having not said anything about it for 30 years, suddenly asks why the shitty cuckoo clock she bought her all those years ago isn't still hanging somewhere in the house.

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59 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Sometimes I think I'm just a guest here, too.

And of course my wife can't figure out why I'm pissed off moving the ladder all over the house trying out different spots for the new motherfucking cuckoo clock. "Move it over to the right just a little. No, I mean left. Try it up a little higher. Oh great, that's perfect. Well I don't know now. I'm just not sure. Let's try it i the kitchen instead. What do you think if we hang it over the doorway into the dining room?" FML.

Spoiler alert:  There is no good place to hang a cuckoo clock.  

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26 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

I think it should be hanging from one of the crab claws.  Off-center and all 

One cuckoo clock on each claw!  But with the ties different so they go off at different intervals.

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2 hours ago, HoffaJimmy said:

Mrs. Hoffa- I am going to Costco do you need anything? 

Me- Yes, furnace filters 

Mrs.- What size? (bonus points for knowing they come in sizes) 

Me- 25x25x1

Mrs.- OK

Back from Costco-

Mrs. Hoffa- They didn't have 25x25x1 filters so I got 20x25x1

Me- Thanks, I will take those back the next time I go to get the size we actually need.

Mrs.- Obligatory Tone. 

You missed out returning a cheaper filter. They were on sale last month. Have to time your returns to the months that the filters are $10 cheaper.

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4 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My wife was looking for something the other day and came across a cuckoo clock that her sister had bought for her as a gift 20 something years ago. She immediately goes into, "Where am I going to put this cuckoo clock?" mode. She furiously searches the house for 6 square inches of unused wall space, which is no easy task. She eventually decides to stick it in the guest bathroom. Then she decides that it would look too busy in there with the wallpaper. Then she starts really looking at the cuckoo clock more closely, and comes to the realization that it kinda sucks, is too small and rather cheap looking. Then of course she decides she needs to shop for a new cuckoo clock and eventually buys one. Then the new cuckoo clock shows up in the mail and now she can't figure out where she wants to hang it up. Again.

Was really expecting to read about the new wallpaper going up. Still 10/10

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We are both working from home and our jobs are transitioning into a WFH one mostly even when our county eventually reopens. Our office was rocking the $129 Target hutch style desk I bought immediately after graduating college in 2003 and we had talked about replacing it for a while so now was the opportunity. 

We bought a new desk (a standing one from Imovr, which we love) and need a new bookshelf or whatever to store everything in since the new desk has no cabinets or drawers. 

She’s been looking on Wayfair and I keep telling her, “Hey let’s just go to our Amish dude who we buy everything from. You know, the guy who designed our entire dining room set and every other bookshelf we own?)” 

We went Saturday and she asks him where the particular piece we were buying would be made.

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I'm keeping a list of items right now going on at my house during my wife's 5 month spring break/COVID pregnancy experience.  I shall list them out when the daughter is born.  
Neg bomb-a-comin' if you don't. 74eaf840daa54646c3cf9045caa438fe.jpg

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

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9 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

We are both working from home and our jobs are transitioning into a WFH one mostly even when our county eventually reopens. Our office was rocking the $129 Target hutch style desk I bought immediately after graduating college in 2003 and we had talked about replacing it for a while so now was the opportunity. 

We bought a new desk (a standing one from Imovr, which we love) and need a new bookshelf or whatever to store everything in since the new desk has no cabinets or drawers. 

She’s been looking on Wayfair and I keep telling her, “Hey let’s just go to our Amish dude who we buy everything from. You know, the guy who designed our entire dining room set and every other bookshelf we own?)” 

We went Saturday and she asks him where the particular piece we were buying would be made.

This one happens at our house.   We had a dude remodel a kitchen and build a portico on the front (I call it a shed roof) and another one on the basement door.  He had done work on 3-4 other houses in our hood, and has done a ton of work since, on our recommendations.  He was under budget, ahead of schedule, not ONE problem.  

Few years roll around.  Time to remodel master bath.  "Let's use Matt", Hulla says.  "I want to try someone new" replies the spouse.  Her inane justifications go on and on, so I fold. 

In comes a crazy ass 'designer' and her Bosnian handyman.  I was keeping a list of all of the fucking trouble we had but I got disgusted and burned the book in a ceremonial pyre in the backyard once the nightmare was over.   I casually bring this up when we start looking at adding a screened in porch on the back of the house...as she wants to 'try someone new' for that project.  Hulla's foot came down, my shit-fit worked and the kitchen dude (Matt) was hired.  Again, under-budget, ahead of schedule, and even added about half a dozen things, at no charge, that he thought of during the process.  

Now, she is wanting some more work done upstairs and I see her perusing a local contractor book and that cesspool, Nextdoor.  "What da fuck ya doin', I axe her?  Just looking at contractors.  Fuckity, fuck, fuck.    Another tick on the wall of "Women just aren't meant to be happy or content unless they are stressing the fuck out about something.   

Carry on.  

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