Jump to content
ROFL BOX

Shit My Kid Says

Recommended Posts

Got this from my kids main teacher this evening:

Today in class:
Son - *throws ball across class out of nowhere *
Female Teacher - "see this is why I don't have balls!" *immediate internal groan *
Son - "well that's not true. You don't have balls because..."
Teacher - “STOP! I get it. Anyway..."

He’s 8.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Today we drove to Dallas for the weekend. We were almost to Rockwall and both kids had been asleep. The sever year old wakes up and says:
“Can we go to the App Store while we’re in Dallas?”
Holy shit I almost wrecked from laughing. She had no idea why we were laughing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Reminds me of the time I asked my parents if we could go to General Foods for dinner after seeing their brief "this program is sponsored by General Foods" blurbs a million times during Saturday morning cartoons. 

 

GeneralFoodsOldLogo.png

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My 6-yr-old thinks commercials are real life. He was recently telling my wife about Smart Dogs and how they knock your phone out of your hand while you're driving.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So.... 11-yr old and I are riding home from tennis practice. We stop at a light at a major intersection. There is a beggar with a sign begging...

 

"Dad, you know what, there is a job doing exactly what the guy is doing. Actually, that place RIGHT THERE (tax place across the street) pays people to stand where he's standing and do what he's doing?! Why doesn't he just go work for them?"

 

Me: "Remember when you asked me why I don't give money to people on the street corner? You're 11 years old and you found him a job. He makes more money begging."

 

Son: "Yeah! Like the guy with no legs at Wal-mart! He's been there longer than I can remember... But he drives a Jeep."

 

Me: Exactly.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yesterday, the 13yo, Mrs Snacks, and I are at lunch... We start discussing reading...

13yo: "I want a book on quantum mechanics."

Puzzled looks...

"Ok. Check please."

Straight to Half-Price Books, grabs a book on Quantum Mechanics... "Yeah, I'll be done with this in 3 days."

Me: "how about this one?" (it's all equations)

Son: "I don't want to solve it, I just went to understand it.v

Me: "Oh. My bad..."

So we grab some other thick ass QM book and head out with the two books.

Nerdz.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like my son when he was that age.  Asked his mathematician grandfather for a book on advanced calculus, and his psychology prof grandfather for a book on psychology for Christmas.  By the middle of January he was calling them up and discussing new (to him) concepts with them.  Tickled them both to pieces.

Edited by Scheiss Meister

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Talking about a neighbor...

Mrs Brown: “think she’s a good lay?”

Me: “Nah. Not a chance.”

13 YO from the other end of the fucking house: “is it because she’s short?”


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Talking about a neighbor...

Mrs Brown: “think she’s a good lay?”

Me: “Nah. Not a chance.”

13 YO from the other end of the fucking house: “is it because she’s short?”



You and your wife talk about fucking the neighbors?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Modessit said:
14 minutes ago, CooterBrown said:
Talking about a neighbor...

Mrs Brown: “think she’s a good lay?”

Me: “Nah. Not a chance.”

13 YO from the other end of the fucking house: “is it because she’s short?”


 

Read more  

You and your wife talk about fucking the neighbors?

Of course.  Gotta have the neighbor women rankings public just in case Mrs Brown ever gets a wild hair and wants to invite one of them to join us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Of course.  Gotta have the neighbor women rankings public just in case Mrs Brown ever gets a wild hair and wants to invite one of them to join us.
Or if she gets invited to join them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/18/2020 at 11:07 AM, Snacks said:

Yesterday, the 13yo, Mrs Snacks, and I are at lunch... We start discussing reading...

13yo: "I want a book on quantum mechanics."

Puzzled looks...

"Ok. Check please."

Straight to Half-Price Books, grabs a book on Quantum Mechanics... "Yeah, I'll be done with this in 3 days."

Me: "how about this one?" (it's all equations)

Son: "I don't want to solve it, I just went to understand it.v

Me: "Oh. My bad..."

So we grab some other thick ass QM book and head out with the two books.

Nerdz.

 

How to Teach Quantum Mechanics to Your Dog by Chad Orzel.

 

Newish book without all the math. He might like it. Just skip all the annoying dog stuff.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎2‎/‎18‎/‎2020 at 12:51 PM, Scheiss Meister said:

Sounds like my son when he was that age.  Asked his mathematician grandfather for a book on advanced calculus, and his psychology prof grandfather for a book on psychology for Christmas.  By the middle of January he was calling them up and discussing new (to him) concepts with them.  Tickled them both to pieces.

A book on psychology for Christmas? We have an annual thread devoted to that subject. Kid's got future Surlist written all over him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, El Diablo said:

A book on psychology for Christmas? We have an annual thread devoted to that subject. Kid's got future Surlist written all over him.

You have no idea.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Shit my kid writes:

The Hungry Poem

I was doing school and I was hungry and

everybody was petting a bunny and everybody was being

funny and nobody wanted to play with me

because I was hungry.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/21/2020 at 7:58 PM, Armybrat said:

Gottdamn, you let your kid read Surly?

So Thujone is the real father?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Over the weekend, wife was watching Love is Blind on Netflix.  Son who just turned 8 sits down and she explains what is going on and to never find a girl this way.  He responds with "I want a thick girl".  Are we gonna have a little Vic on our hands?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

boys go over to neighbors who have 10yo girl (Z) and 9yo boy (J).

my 9yo: "when we went to Z and J's today 10yo and Z hung out. J asked 10yo if he had "Quality Time" with Z and they got mad"

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
47 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Gotta brag on Little T'Boo for a second.  

I've taught the kids that when they get allowance for chores or gifts, money goes in 3 piles.  Save, Give, Spend.  They don't get the % yet so I help them with that.  Mostly they give each week at church and have ridiculous amounts in savings and cash for kids their age.  Last week our 7yo son says to me he wants to give $100 each to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society as well as the American Heart Association.  My Mom died from Leukemia before he arrived and one of his classmates has it as well.  Man, talk about getting a lump in my throat.  I would have never even thought about that at his age.  Proud Dad right here.  

 

Sounds like you and Mrs T'boo are doing it right.

Edited by SHOOTER12

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I pick the kids up from school on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Everytime i pick them up they want to go to McDonald’s. Figured i had an easy out today since it’s Ash Wednesday.

Son (7): can we go to McDonald’s?

Me: no, we can’t have meat today.

Son: are french fries meat?

Me: yes smartass, they are.

I can’t even argue they’re fried in lard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My mother in law has Alzheimers.  She will probably be dead within a week but is still alive.  I took my 7 and 4 year old to church last night but just dropped them off and picked them up real quick because I needed to run a couple of errands.  Apparently my 4 year old told everyone there that the MIL died yesterday morning.  Seven people from church have either sent flowers to the house or stopped by this morning offering their condolences.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I pick the kids up from school on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Everytime i pick them up they want to go to McDonald’s. Figured i had an easy out today since it’s Ash Wednesday.

Son (7): can we go to McDonald’s?

Me: no, we can’t have meat today.

Son: are french fries meat?

Me: yes smartass, they are.

I can’t even argue they’re fried in lard.
Wait until he finds out the no meat thing only applies to people 14 years olds and older.

Hell, I was in my 40s before I found out that what you give up for Lent can be had on Sundays.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites



Shit my kid writes:
The Hungry Poem
I was doing school and I was hungry and
everybody was petting a bunny and everybody was being
funny and nobody wanted to play with me
because I was hungry.


Red Hot Chili Patos

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/26/2020 at 10:38 AM, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Gotta brag on Little T'Boo for a second.  

I've taught the kids that when they get allowance for chores or gifts, money goes in 3 piles.  Save, Give, Spend.  They don't get the % yet so I help them with that.  Mostly they give each week at church and have ridiculous amounts in savings and cash for kids their age.  Last week our 7yo son says to me he wants to give $100 each to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society as well as the American Heart Association.  My Mom died from Leukemia before he arrived and one of his classmates has it as well.  Man, talk about getting a lump in my throat.  I would have never even thought about that at his age.  Proud Dad right here.  

 

 

We do the same. Eventually savings goes to a bank account, she gets to pick the charity. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thursday is open house and the parents can walk through and look at the projects. I’m hoping to catch at least one dad smirking at the photos.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

*At grocery store*
4 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER: I want two mommies. 
ME: Well, you’ve got a mommy and a daddy, so that’s pretty awesome. 
DAUGHTER: No no no no. I want a daddy and two mommies. 
ME: Me too, kiddo (elbowing wife) Tell mommy what you just told me...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/2/2020 at 12:30 PM, Pig Bellmont said:

*At grocery store*
4 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER: I want two mommies. 
ME: Well, you’ve got a mommy and a daddy, so that’s pretty awesome. 
DAUGHTER: No no no no. I want a daddy and two mommies. 
ME: Me too, kiddo (elbowing wife) Tell mommy what you just told me...

dead.PNG.398c0ad3fd12f3607133199db79b6205.PNG

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Doomlet (4,m): What's "the family goldfish?" 

Me: What? 

Doomlet: What's a family goldfish? 

Me: It's a goldfish that a family keeps as a pet, like some people have dogs or cats. 

Doomlet: And you flush them down the toilet? 

Me: Well, sometimes, if they're dead.

Doomlet: That's for whom the bell tolls. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My daughter called one of our cats 'a douche' the other day, and this morning she knocked over the hand soap and said 'fuck it.'

She's three.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, HenryJames said:

My daughter called one of our cats 'a douche' the other day, and this morning she knocked over the hand soap and said 'fuck it.'

She's three.

TBH, cats usually are 'a douche'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
23 hours ago, HenryJames said:

My daughter called one of our cats 'a douche' the other day, and this morning she knocked over the hand soap and said 'fuck it.'

She's three.

Sounds accurate on both accounts

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

OK Phil,

 

I've been off work, but wife has to work from home, so that means I get the home school duties. Convo earlier this week went something like this:

 

Me: I hope you do better work than this at school.

Her: I hope you explain stuff better than this to your clients. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/2/2020 at 12:30 PM, Pig Bellmont said:

*At grocery store*
4 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER: I want two mommies. 
ME: Well, you’ve got a mommy and a daddy, so that’s pretty awesome. 
DAUGHTER: No no no no. I want a daddy and two mommies. 
ME: Me too, kiddo (elbowing wife) Tell mommy what you just told me...

 

I'm pretty sure I posted this one years ago on the old scat site:

 

As relayed to me via wife:

Daughter (about 3 years old IIRC): What's my other mommy's name?

Wife: What are you talking about? I'm your only mommy.

Daughter: No, I have another mommy. I can't remember her name.

Wife: What?

Daughter: She wears long black dresses and has long black hair. I only see her at night when you and daddy are asleep.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TBH, cats usually are 'a douche'

I’ve never seen a cat I like either.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


mpu


Football ... Basketball ... Baseball ... Other Sports ... Recruiting ... Gambling ... Movies & TV ... Music ... Hobbies ... Lulz ... Food & Travel ... Daily Texan ... Help ... For Sale ... Politics ... Board Discussion
×
×
  • Create New...