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Prepuce of Doom

Shart 2020: Hindsight's a bitch

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16 minutes ago, Doc Reeves said:

im out. I'm already having new years squirts

Damn...barely lowered the gates to 2020 and we've already got a man down.  

Based on last year I'm expecting to shit sneeze my boxers at least twice. Actually I'm not getting any younger, let's make that 3.  

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After a New Years party at my buddy's place I decided to walk the few miles home rather than sleep off my intoxication.  About halfway there the shits hit me.  I held it for about a mile, but a half mile from home there was no more holding back.  I dropped trow in the woods and left a mess everywhere.  Tried to clean my backside with leaves, but in my drunkenness I did a shitty job.  Walked the rest of the way home with poopy underpants.  Could have been worse.

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Ate chipotle last night and got some shitty sleep. Woke up around 4 and thought to myself I should just shit the bed rather than walk to the bathroom. I got my ass up though. Trying to be less lazy this year. 

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Posted (edited)

What about skidmarks? I get those occasionally but without an actual shart. I'm starting my training diet again of mostly veggies, fruits, and nuts, and I will be shitting a lot (in the toilet, not my pants), and wiping a lot, but history tells me skid marks will magically appear no matter how many and what type of wipes I use. And yes, I'm considering the bidet route, I'm aware of the thread. 

Edited by 'stache

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Either you are an ineffective wiper, or else you aren't even aware of your sharts.

I don't know which option is worse, but we'll all find out what your problem is once you get with the program and install your bidet. 

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3 hours ago, 'stache said:

What about skidmarks? I get those occasionally but without an actual shart. I'm starting my training diet again of mostly veggies, fruits, and nuts, and I will be shitting a lot (in the toilet, not my pants), and wiping a lot, but history tells me skid marks will magically appear no matter how many and what type of wipes I use. And yes, I'm considering the bidet route, I'm aware of the thread. 

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I think we need to start this thread off right for the new year and post what actually constitutes a shart. Like its name implies it consists of a fart combined with a shit. It’s not skid marks, shitting in the woods, and most definitely not just crapping your pants. If no fart is involved then it’s not a shart. Get your shit together people.

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5 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Get your shit together people.

I thought the point of this thread is you don't have your shit together?

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4 hours ago, 'stache said:

What about skidmarks? I get those occasionally but without an actual shart. I'm starting my training diet again of mostly veggies, fruits, and nuts, and I will be shitting a lot (in the toilet, not my pants), and wiping a lot, but history tells me skid marks will magically appear no matter how many and what type of wipes I use. And yes, I'm considering the bidet route, I'm aware of the thread. 

I stopped having railroad tracks when I switched to exclusively black boxer briefs. Just bought 20 of the exact same pair. I also learned to wipe my ass. Here’s the ass wiping index for your needs:

1. Bidet

2. Wet wipes

3. Not the softest paper but one that is ribbed. This will give you extra surface area. 

3A. Use the fold method. Typically 5-6 sheets folded in half. Then wipe. Then fold in half and wipe again. If efficient you can get 3 folds per 6 squares. Use your index finger to really get in there. 

3B. The super wad. Not advised.

4. Single ply

5. Underwear goes in the trash. 

I’m guessing you’re somewhere between 3B and 5 on a regular basis.  

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I had a Jan 1st shart, my first ever. Was so hungover all day with the runs, and had a bad cough. Was sitting up in my bed on my laptop passing out and coughed and farted. I was so out of it I didn't realize it was a shart. This is fucking gross, but I started to feel a little wetness. I walk to the bathroom and realize there was a spot that went through my  basketball shorts even. I go to the bed, and there is a shart stain that went through the sheet and bed liner. Wife is out of town thank God. That was honestly embarrassing as fuck lol. Luckily the mattress was safe. I'm a believer now. 

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Just now, hundredTT said:

I had a Jan 1st shart, my first ever. Was so hungover all day with the runs, and had a bad cough. Was sitting up in my bed on my laptop passing out and coughed and farted. I was so out of it I didn't realize it was a shart. This is fucking gross, but I started to feel a little wetness. I walk to the bathroom and realize there was a spot that went through my  basketball shorts even. I go to the bed, and there is a shart stain that went through the sheet and bed liner. Wife is out of town thank God. That was honestly embarrassing as fuck lol. Luckily the mattress was safe. I'm a believer now. 

Amateur.

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Just came perilously close to sharting myself. Looks like 2020 might be a squeaker of a year.

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4 hours ago, 'stache said:

What about skidmarks? I get those occasionally but without an actual shart. I'm starting my training diet again of mostly veggies, fruits, and nuts, and I will be shitting a lot (in the toilet, not my pants), and wiping a lot, but history tells me skid marks will magically appear no matter how many and what type of wipes I use. And yes, I'm considering the bidet route, I'm aware of the thread. 

You are just considering a bidet? 

You'll make up for the cost of the bidet in toilet paper savings within the first year (not even going to factor in the cost of new underwear Mr shitty pants).

Also you will finally be rid of your until now inexplicable itchy asshole and you might even get your balloon knot tongued by a lovely young lady.

 

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43 minutes ago, Thetexashammer said:

Amateur.

Haha. Never thought I'd smell my own shit in bed. Guess it's all downhill from here. Expect more posts in the future. 

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Posted (edited)

I tried one with warm water the other day and I must say I prefer the ice cold jet of 30 psi straight up main street instead. Especially if I have had to wipe at work like a savage and my delicate flower needs the tinder yet firm caress of the bidet.

Edited by MissingInAction

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44 minutes ago, Grade of D as in David said:

You are just considering a bidet? 

You'll make up for the cost of the bidet in toilet paper savings within the first year (not even going to factor in the cost of new underwear Mr shitty pants).

Also you will finally be rid of your until now inexplicable itchy asshole and you might even get your balloon knot tongued by a lovely young lady.

 

It’s been a long time since I’ve had my ass licked. I miss it. 

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I’m turning 50 this year and will not trust any potential fart. That being said, I’ll probably shart multiple times. I’ll blame it on being drunk. 

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On 1/2/2020 at 1:19 AM, ulukinatme said:

After a New Years party at my buddy's place I decided to walk the few miles home rather than sleep off my intoxication.  About halfway there the shits hit me.  I held it for about a mile, but a half mile from home there was no more holding back.  I dropped trow in the woods and left a mess everywhere.  Tried to clean my backside with leaves, but in my drunkenness I did a shitty job.  Walked the rest of the way home with poopy underpants.  Could have been worse.

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Hadn’t sharted since about ‘12 and came very close today. Had some fettuccine Alfredo for lunch after church at a local Italian joint. The type where you can get a slice of pie for about tree fiddy, four bucks. Fast forward a few hours and I’m walking out the door to go run some errands and felt what I thought was a fart. Lo and behold it was not. Luckily I clenched up fast enough and made it to the toilet. But it was by the narrowest of margins.

http://media1.tenor.com/images/8559ad2fe73b0bb65fbebe1f9f0978ce/tenor.gif?itemid=4867990

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What brand do y'all recommend for those toilet-safe wipes?  I've been putting off placing them in the wash closet but I'm getting older and my ass is getting harrier.  No reason not to embrace the technology.  Nothing too industrial, I have a pretty mild digestive tract than most on this thread.  But something for my delicate skin.  What brand would Mohammed recommend?  

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A couple of years ago I started eating strawberries, blueberries and pecans for breakfast every day. I also drink a big glass of Benefiber/water and a cup of coffee. About an hour later I shit a hugeass moose log. I have never been more regular in my life. No more sharts or mid-day ibs attacks since then.

 

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5 hours ago, Lobo said:

What brand do y'all recommend for those toilet-safe wipes?  I've been putting off placing them in the wash closet but I'm getting older and my ass is getting harrier.  No reason not to embrace the technology.  Nothing too industrial, I have a pretty mild digestive tract than most on this thread.  But something for my delicate skin.  What brand would Mohammed recommend?  

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Seems kind of awesome, but I can certainly understand how all that new found power would take the shart risk to an 11.

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17 hours ago, Blotto said:

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Seems kind of awesome, but I can certainly understand how all that new found power would take the shart risk to an 11.

 But your ass would never have to touch the bowl and all those germs.

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On 1/6/2020 at 12:59 AM, Blotto said:

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Seems kind of awesome, but I can certainly understand how all that new found power would take the shart risk to an 11.

really dude?  Spelling smack talk on a thread about grown men dropping liquid heat in their own undergarments?  

But yeah, that's funny.  

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You of all people are not immune to spelling criticisms. No one is. Especially considering you shart all over this board. 

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1 hour ago, Lobo said:

really dude?  Spelling smack talk on a thread about grown men dropping liquid heat in their own undergarments?  

But yeah, that's funny.  

At least he went with a jet joke instead of a hound joke. 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Js1 said:

You of all people are not immune to spelling criticisms. No one is. Especially considering you shart all over this board. 

That’s strange, I never think of you at all.

but this morning I could see you in my mind’s eye.  You were waking up, greeting the day, and just waiting to suck.  

Edited by Lobo

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Posted (edited)

Doomlet (4,m) has been farting on purpose, as a way of communicating, and on people every chance he gets for the past 6 weeks or so. 

I warned him not to press his luck, but today he finally learned the reason why. 

Sounds like Mrs. Doom might have dodged a bullet. 

 

Screenshot_20200107-191537_Message+.jpg

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

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thought I was ringing in the new year yesterday. Had that greasy feeling between the cheeks, but undies were clean. Onward and upward!

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Caught a bug last week along with a cough. I made the mistake of taking a nighttime cough medicine that knocked me out. I ended up waking up to sharting myself 5 or 6 times that night each requiring a boxer change. Perhaps not technically sharting. Longest night of my life.  

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The night of the long Shards?

i saw that on the history channel 

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Last night was a close one.  Got up in the middle of the night, took a piss and was about to fart when something didn’t feel quite right. Sat down and liquid death blew from me.  No idea where it came from, but had I not heeded the warning, I’d most certainly have shit myself.

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