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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

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37 minutes ago, TKthunder2 said:

Wife wife sets an alarm every weekday morning for 530 but snoozes it until 630 every morning.  I ask her why not just set it for 630.  

“Because sometimes I need to get up at 530 if I’m going to an important meeting an need to fix my hair and makeup nice.”

So why not just set an individual alarm for those days?

“Because I don’t always remember the night before”

So you wake us up daily, because you can’t remember to set an alarm once or twice a month…nevermind (I’ve gotten used to it and can sleep through it most days, so it’s not worth an argument).

Fast forward to this morning she’s running late freaking out asking me if I packs lunches and take the kids, (which I do without complaint) but I ask one little question about what happened to her fool proof alarm system…tone.

Yes, Mrs. NNM has multiple alarms set through the day to remember to take various vitamins or supplements.  Which she never has with her.  But iphone alarms are continually ringing through the day, and she simply cancels it.  All day, every day.  

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3 hours ago, nnm said:

Yes, Mrs. NNM has multiple alarms set through the day to remember to take various vitamins or supplements.  Which she never has with her.  But iphone alarms are continually ringing through the day, and she simply cancels it.  All day, every day.  

Same at my house, but they are reminders, not alarms. Reminders for all kinds of shit, that she mostly clears off the screen and never does.

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We are leaving for Vancouver tomor… today to go skiing. My wife planned the entire trip since flying anywhere to ski is a giant pain in the ass, and is one of the levels of hell should I end up there…

Anyway: 11PM, she was checking us in for the flight, and realized my daughter’s passport expired 2 years ago.

Can’t fly, but I guess if you drive to Canada, you need an ID but not a passport.

Now she’s furiously looking for flights to Seattle and a rental car to go to Whistler. It’s really late. Frankly I DGAF. Cancel the entire thing and lose money along the way. I don’t care as long as I don’t have to check and carry a shit ton of stuff onto the airport. 

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Real ID is basically a passport in your drivers license isn’t it? I quit keeping track what it takes to get into Canada even despite being 2 hrs from it.

Last i heard, probably before Covid, was a regular DL and birth certificate was good enough to get in and back. Now Covid you need negative tests, full vaccination, a Canadian NHL affiliate etc


Traveling internationally, with ski equipment, sounds like hell. Can’t you trek it out to Utah or colorado?

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On 11/15/2021 at 7:32 PM, Sandman said:

We went out to do some birthday/christmas shopping for the kids, my wife wanted to look for some new shoes for herself while we're out, no big deal. First, she has really big feet, women's 11-12, so she always has problems finding shoes that fit. She sees this pair and while trying to cram her foot into it, she hurts her toe. 

Her: "OW! These just don't fit, that really hurt!"

Me: "Cool, let's move on then"

Her: "I want to try this other one first"

Me: ....

Her: "These don't work either. Let me try the first ones again"

Me: "The ones that hurt? Why would you try those again?"

Her: "They might work this time. OW! No, they don't fit."

Me: WTF

Is this your wife?

Dd5EL0JVQAAHWqO.jpg

 

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5 hours ago, Superhero said:

We are leaving for Vancouver tomor… today to go skiing. My wife planned the entire trip since flying anywhere to ski is a giant pain in the ass, and is one of the levels of hell should I end up there…

Anyway: 11PM, she was checking us in for the flight, and realized my daughter’s passport expired 2 years ago.

Can’t fly, but I guess if you drive to Canada, you need an ID but not a passport.

Now she’s furiously looking for flights to Seattle and a rental car to go to Whistler. It’s really late. Frankly I DGAF. Cancel the entire thing and lose money along the way. I don’t care as long as I don’t have to check and carry a shit ton of stuff onto the airport. 

Vancouver is nice to visit, but just came here to say fuck the Canucks. Thanks.

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^

csb/ My grad school roommate and good friend met this girl who was a little ditzy but very sweet.  Years later they marry and they were big music festival goers before their childbearing years.  There was some jam band deal out in the desert of SoCal via Ontario Airport.  She plans the whole thing and they'll be staying in a friend's RV out at the festival. 

I don't how she did it, but she when she went to book for ONT airport on the airline website, she somehow selected Lake Ontario via Buffalo Airport.  By the time he saw the reservation email on her phone, they were already on their way to the airport.  So they ate hundreds in festival passes/fees, they couldn't change their reservation, and he was also holding a lot of drugs on him.  To make her feel less shitty, they boarded plane to Buffalo, found a hotel, saw Niagara Falls, and came back with one of the all-time wife travel fuckups of all time.  The word "Buffalo" never being a red flag to her in all the emails from the airline.  

Years later at a dinner party, she would ask where our daughter was in preschool.  We replied at our church.  She asked what their theory was on education (she's a big Montessori subscriber)?  I was like, "I dunno, it's a Catholic preschool founded by the Jesuit Order.  They do preschool shit."  She then goes on and on about how it's important for experiential learning and helping our children navigate the world that surrounds them.  And I'm just listening politely while my buddy glares at me from down the table with that, "Don't you dare fucking say 'Buffalo' asshole!" look on his face.  /csb

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24 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Ha Ha, this reminds me of my first ex when we lived in Denver.  We lived on an acre and had a pretty big shed with a cement floor.  We kept the riding lawnmower in the shed.  One Saturday morning she comes upstairs and wakes me up saying that she got up early and decided to mow the yard, but there was a small problem.  Apparently, she had filled the riding lawnmower up with gas, spilled a little on the shed floor, set the gas can down beside the mower, and tried to start it.  The mower backfired igniting the gas on the shed floor which then spread to the gas can.  By the time I got outside the entire shed was a massive fireball.  We didn't even have to call the fire department because they could see the blaze from the firehouse.  We ended up with two pumpers at the house, but they just ended up letting the shed burn itself out while making sure it didn't spread to any houses.  In the end, we were left with only the slab with a large mound of solidified molten metal that used to be the riding lawnmower.

Something something ride something else something something.  

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10 hours ago, Superhero said:

We are leaving for Vancouver tomor… today to go skiing. My wife planned the entire trip since flying anywhere to ski is a giant pain in the ass, and is one of the levels of hell should I end up there…

Anyway: 11PM, she was checking us in for the flight, and realized my daughter’s passport expired 2 years ago.

Can’t fly, but I guess if you drive to Canada, you need an ID but not a passport.

Now she’s furiously looking for flights to Seattle and a rental car to go to Whistler. It’s really late. Frankly I DGAF. Cancel the entire thing and lose money along the way. I don’t care as long as I don’t have to check and carry a shit ton of stuff onto the airport. 

If I was going to fly to ski I'd go somewhere like Jackson Hole or Park City (from Texas). 

If I went to Vancouver to ski I'd be like... yeah this is neat but I kind of would rather be... in Vancouver. 

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3 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

We're painting the office this weekend. Took down all the pictures and moved everything to the middle of the room so my wife could prep some during the week (she works from home). There were a bunch of anchors from the pictures stuck in the wall. Told her the easiest to do was screw a screw into them  part of the way then use the claw of the hammer to pry them out.

Get home and she said she could only get a couple out of the wall. I noticed that neither my hammer nor drill were in the room. She was trying to pry them out with a flat head screw driver. She goes to cook dinner, I spend about 3 minutes and get the other 15 or so out of the wall

Her "How did you do that so fast?"

Me "I did it the way I told you to do it."

 

tone

 

My aunt did something similar trying to remove baseboards with a crowbar and couldn't figure out why she kept denting the sheetrock.

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5 hours ago, ztejas said:

If I was going to fly to ski I'd go somewhere like Jackson Hole or Park City (from Texas). 

If I went to Vancouver to ski I'd be like... yeah this is neat but I kind of would rather be... in Vancouver. 

Gonna take a wild guess that you have never been to Whistler, a.k.a th biggest and best ski resort in North America.

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13 hours ago, rage-a-holic said:

Gonna take a wild guess that you have never been to Whistler, a.k.a th biggest and best ski resort in North America.

Yep. I’ve skied many places in the US, Canada, and Europe. Whistler/Blackcomb is by far the best. Best hills, best ski villages, best snow. Something for everyone. Really outstanding. 

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It’s been snowing since last night non-stop. The powder is going to be lit AF.

I hurt my back majorly 2 weeks ago when I took the kids roller skating. (Dad! We don’t know how to skate, can you come with us?). I’m still popping Motrin 3-4 times a day.

Hurt back or not. I’m going fucking skiing. When it Rome right?

 

And I admit to being a whiny bitch up ‘til now. Gonna make the most of the next 4 days. 

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9 hours ago, Superhero said:

Well, it’s been 22 hours and we’ve finally settled into our hotel. But let’s rewind and go through all the “fun”’ we had throughout the day…

I woke up at 7 to my sound of my wife telling me about the flight and rental car options. She was probably up until 4am trying to salvage the trip. So I hop on the computer and buy the SNA-SEA tickets for $2400 - 3 hours before the flight. Reserve a car for another $400.

Once we’re on the plane and after the door closes (of course) she tells me to download the ArriveCAN app so we can upload our covid test results and immunization records. Of course I can’t do shit about it because there’s no service so I sit for 2.5 hours wondering if I have the documents they needed.

Finally get to SEA and successfully get our rental car from “Payless” Car Rental. Yeah… never heard of them either. Somehow I get a car from Avis - and it’s an AWD! This was seriously the highlight of the day. Until we load up all the luggage and realize my wife’s snowboard bag doesn’t fit unless we angle it up between the kids’ seats and I can’t see shit out the back window.

So we leave SEA and drive towards the border. Lemme tell you what… Seattle drivers are the worst. I mean 5 o’clock traffic in LA on a Friday means crawling on the freeway to get home. But traffic is moving fine, but there are 10 accidents leaving Seattle. Not joking. 10 accidents;

Snow started falling right before we get to the border. The wife and kids are excited. After we get across the border (passports for 3 of us, an expired passport and birth certificate for the girl) and we are back on the road. By then the snow is coming down hard. I’ve never really driven in snow before, and it is the complete opposite of awesome. Despite being AWD, the car still slid and drifted a bit. There was a traffic light at the bottom of a hill and hitting the brakes did nothing. I slid right through the intersection. Thankfully the car at the intersection was paying attention and didn’t let me T-bone him or her.

The next 3 hours was white knuckling through the hills in ice. But we made it. I’m fucking tired. Good night. 

Sounds like our last Seattle to Whistler trip. "Hey, let's all save 30% flying SW into Seattle instead of Vancouver!".....never again.

3 hour drive to the border in a crowded minivan (rental co. only had one available) through heavy traffic and pouring rain, long border line, then finally getting within 3 miles of Whistler only to sit for 4 hours on an icy hill during a snowstorm while a jackknifed trailer accident got cleaned up.

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17 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Does yours consistently complain about her feet or back?

"Can't walk all over ________ because feet."

"Can't sit in a car for ______ hours because back."

The next time your pickup squeaks, trade it in on a newer model. Make sure your wife goes with you when you do it. Tell her she’s next. 

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On 12/17/2021 at 11:16 AM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Ha Ha, this reminds me of my first ex when we lived in Denver.  We lived on an acre and had a pretty big shed with a cement floor.  We kept the riding lawnmower in the shed.  One Saturday morning she comes upstairs and wakes me up saying that she got up early and decided to mow the yard, but there was a small problem.  Apparently, she had filled the riding lawnmower up with gas, spilled a little on the shed floor, set the gas can down beside the mower, and tried to start it.  The mower backfired igniting the gas on the shed floor which then spread to the gas can.  By the time I got outside the entire shed was a massive fireball.  We didn't even have to call the fire department because they could see the blaze from the firehouse.  We ended up with two pumpers at the house, but they just ended up letting the shed burn itself out while making sure it didn't spread to any houses.  In the end, we were left with only the slab with a large mound of solidified molten metal that used to be the riding lawnmower.

She sounds like one hella hot woman!  Right? Right!?!?  See what I did there?

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Yesterday, I got to hear the wife's reenactment of her harrowing trip to Mcdonald's to get our breakfast. It even included her rendition of the (I'm assuming) handicapped man who's speech was unintelligible to everyone in the restaurant. After a few minutes of hearing her mumble like the elephant man, I said "I get it" to try and speed things up but TONE.

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43 minutes ago, Sandman said:

Yesterday, I got to hear the wife's reenactment of her harrowing trip to Mcdonald's to get our breakfast. It even included her rendition of the (I'm assuming) handicapped man who's speech was unintelligible to everyone in the restaurant. After a few minutes of hearing her mumble like the elephant man, I said "I get it" to try and speed things up but TONE.

The horror.

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50 minutes ago, Sandman said:

Yesterday, I got to hear the wife's reenactment of her harrowing trip to Mcdonald's to get our breakfast. It even included her rendition of the (I'm assuming) handicapped man who's speech was unintelligible to everyone in the restaurant. After a few minutes of hearing her mumble like the elephant man, I said "I get it" to try and speed things up but TONE.

McDonald's has simplified and streamlined their ordering process so meticulously that a trained monkey could pull it off. It even defeats their most incompetent employees attempt's at throwing a wrench into the system. 

I mean it isn't like she went to Popeye's.

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1 hour ago, Sandman said:

Yesterday, I got to hear the wife's reenactment of her harrowing trip to Mcdonald's to get our breakfast. It even included her rendition of the (I'm assuming) handicapped man who's speech was unintelligible to everyone in the restaurant. After a few minutes of hearing her mumble like the elephant man, I said "I get it" to try and speed things up but TONE.

 

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3 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

We had to go to a ceremony at our kids school last week and had to get there by 3 for the check-in process etc. She says she has something for work to do but should be done by 2:45 . She works from home and we live about 12 minutes from school so I'm already skeptical.  

Me: it's 230, you going to be ready on time?

Her: Yes one more quick call to whoever the fuck

Me: it's 245, are you ready?

Her: Blah blah blah (still on phone)

Me: its 2:52, we gotta go NOW. 

Her: (Motioning to me:1 second! ) blah blah blah on phone ( nothing important or relevant to work at this point)

2:57 we get in the car.  I'm fuming but don't say anything because I don't want to be arguing when we get there) I get on the toll road and am going about 85, 90 when I can. I see a cop lurking by an on-ramp on our side or the road 

Me: " Fuck!", slowing rapidly.  She sees cop

Her: You better not get pulled over! 

Me: 

unnamed.png.11e8aff0932bbc5924d63ab113a8f419.png

All that to say you have a corded house phone?

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I tell my wife and kids I’m not going to drive faster just because they took forever to get out of the house. If they’re late, they’re late.

Driving extra fast to get somewhere gets you there maybe 1-2 minutes faster at best. Not worth it.

Just to make this relevant to the thread… “woman, why do you always take a shit right before we go to church?”

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