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Common vernacular with objectionable origin


TexasHooch

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4 minutes ago, shadow_operative said:

i was not descriptive enough with my post. it was about friends, family, colleagues, coworkers, neighbors, *anyone* commenting that they looked good after having it iced their weight loss.

“Thanks.  I have cancer…”

 JK; NK

 Actually, you make a valid point - in that the comments you make should reflect the degree of familiarity with a person and what’s going on in their lives. If you know your good friend at work is trying to lose weight and going to the gym because they told you that, saying “you’re looking good” is pretty innocuous even though a comment on physical appearance.   Now, if say it to some new temp paralegal down the hall that I barely know, that just sounds creepy and is likely HR invoking. 

And I agree that it was your “looking particularly good” comment that seemed to interject attraction/ sexuality into the mix. 

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My country ass grew up thinking people were ‘chewing them down’ when negotiating price on something.  Had not a clue that it was straight up antisemitism.  Noted during high school years, saying that is way fucked up. 

Man, I didn’t think it was Jew. I thought it was joo or ju. Never gave it a thought about Abraham’s kids.
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3 hours ago, Willfully Horn said:

I think a change of hairstyles is safe to compliment.

I like what you’ve done with your hair. 

I disagree. I've had multiple black female coworkers over the years who have different hair 3-4 days a week. No need to draw attention to wigs IMO. 

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4 hours ago, Willfully Horn said:

I think a change of hairstyles is safe to compliment.

I like what you’ve done with your hair. 

I've usually tried to find something nice to say to folks and especially if they DID get a new haircut or made a change, I tell them their hair looks pretty or that they look nice.  At this point IDGAF because they know I'm not hitting on them and I'm a very respectful, team oriented guy.  Context has a lot to do with it.  I also say the same thing to male employees.  Hell,  when people change shit up about their appearance, it's OK to acknowledge it, IMHO.

 One of our administrative assistants years back would talk about shoes and purses and jewelry like Brighton with me because she knew my wife enjoyed that stuff.  I'd walk in on a Monday morning and see a new bracelet or whatever and comment on it.  It's fucking life.  IDK why we have to dance around it.

Every convo isn't a come-on and neither is it a put down.  It's stupid that we can't legitimately take notice of each other.  We have freaking souls...except for the redheads.

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On 12/8/2023 at 10:17 AM, orange dream said:

Here's one.  The mention of mixed-race, etc. upthread reminded me of a word that was common in my central Texas upbringing in the 70-80s but I hadn't heard in a while (Mulatto).

Imagine my surprise when I'm listening to the radio one day a few years back and the new creation from Dairy Queen is advertised...

dq_moolattes.thumb.webp.5b0081bdd3ceedbb7aa6698d1d0eaec1.webp

 

Fuck me runnin' does anyone review these product names?

My Grandmother (born in the 30s in East Texas) told my wife that she should run down to Dairy Queen and try one of the new "mulattos."  Both my wife and I went wide-eyed.  I told my grandmother that she couldn't possibly be using the right name, but it turns out that she wasn't too far off.    

Edited by Guadaloopy
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25 minutes ago, Guadaloopy said:

Late summer 2020, I was working with an overzealous IT manager (who happened to be a 30-something white dude) who made it his personal mission to change the "IP whitelist" to the "Approved IP" list.  It did not take hold. 

Whitelist vs blacklist is a great example of common vernacular terms that could be perceived as being associated with race that had never occurred to me. I just looked it up, and that doesn't appear to be the case.

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On 12/10/2023 at 2:04 PM, Brisketexan said:


I’m dangerous, it’s true - it’s why Iceman was reluctant to fly with me.

And man, the shoes thing is MONEY. Seriously, women generally love their shoes more than any other accessory, so when they get a compliment about them, it’s a huge boost. “Those shoes are awesome,” or “those shoes are super cool” (again, use very innocuous/innocent compliment words like “super cool”) gets a thank you and a smile 100% of the time.

As for blouse color, again, keep it super simple - “that’s a great color.” Avoid “wow…cantaloupe is a great color on you…really highlights your juicy melons,” which is a coupla bridges too far.

Complimenting women at work is inherently risky and you never go wrong by not doing it. If you are going to, I have two basic rules:

1. Compliment something they can choose/style.

2. Keep the compliments about said style below the knees, below the wrists, and above the neck. 
 

Shoes are mostly safe, assuming they aren’t wearing some crazy strapping sexy heels or thigh high boots. New hairstyle is fine. Earring are fine. Watches are OK, nails are maybe OK but you’re treading on thin ice. 

Also, if you’re going to play that game you better not be mentioning how nice the new haircut is to ONLY the 25 year old.  That shit will get noticed, fast. 

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On 12/10/2023 at 12:28 PM, aggie08 said:

As you general rule, you shouldn't be commenting on anyone's physical appearance in the workplace, especially if you think a female colleague is looking "particularly good." It's weird. Leave it to their actual friends to tell them how great they look.

Yeah, this is why even things like colors can be a problem.  Most of the time when men especially notice a woman it’s because she “looks particularly good.” And we aren’t thinking of colors in that assessment. 

If you say “great color for you” and the reason you noticed the blouse’s color is because it’s lower cut than the ordinary—- she’s not dumb about what you’ve noticed.  Which is why again, if you wanna play the handing out compliments game you better make sure you’re pretty gotdam generous and notice hairstyles and shoes on EVERYONE, not just people who look “particularly good.”  

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38 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Complimenting women at work is inherently risky and you never go wrong by not doing it. If you are going to, I have two basic rules:

1. Compliment something they can choose/style.

2. Keep the compliments about said style below the knees, below the wrists, and above the neck. 
 

Shoes are mostly safe, assuming they aren’t wearing some crazy strapping sexy heels or thigh high boots. New hairstyle is fine. Earring are fine. Watches are OK, nails are maybe OK but you’re treading on thin ice. 

Also, if you’re going to play that game you better not be mentioning how nice the new haircut is to ONLY the 25 year old.  That shit will get noticed, fast. 

Or just be Don Draper:

 

 

Our company used to give sales territories three letter "territory codes."  Ours was a team of "JA-."  JAA, JAB, JAC, etc.  I noticed once there was a gap between JAO and JAQ.  Someone had the wherewithal to skip...

Spoiler

JAP

...and good on them.

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On 12/10/2023 at 2:04 PM, Brisketexan said:


I’m dangerous, it’s true - it’s why Iceman was reluctant to fly with me.

And man, the shoes thing is MONEY. Seriously, women generally love their shoes more than any other accessory, so when they get a compliment about them, it’s a huge boost. “Those shoes are awesome,” or “those shoes are super cool” (again, use very innocuous/innocent compliment words like “super cool”) gets a thank you and a smile 100% of the time.

As for blouse color, again, keep it super simple - “that’s a great color.” Avoid “wow…cantaloupe is a great color on you…really highlights your juicy melons,” which is a coupla bridges too 

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6 hours ago, bolverk said:

Whitelist vs blacklist is a great example of common vernacular terms that could be perceived as being associated with race that had never occurred to me. I just looked it up, and that doesn't appear to be the case.

A few months ago, there was some light controversy at UT (and many, many other places as well) about using the term "whitepaper."  I've penned a few and used the term, but I just assumed (perhaps wrongfully) that it was somebody not in academia typing something out to share with scholars/students that happened to be printed on white paper.  Kinda like 'Black Market.'  Has nothing to do with race, it's derived from a time you'd trade at night when it was black out so nobody saw you, in a time before streetlamps or 24 hour superstores.  Now South Austin's Mom?  That's a round-the-clock Wet Market like you wouldn't believe.

Y'all have some valid points on proper compliments and terminology with coworkers and so forth.  I guess where I'm at a loss is why the fuck you'd voluntarily speak with people in an office to begin with?  You're like Rob Schneider chatting up somebody making copies.  There are appropriate compliments.  There are inappropriate compliments.  There are grey areas.  Why not just not talk?  We have Surly precisely so we don't have to audibly engage with real people during the workday.  I have never, ever in 25 years of professional work...come home and thought, "I wished I would spoken out loud more at work today."  Just don't talk.  It's the biggest rush in life next to doing a double rail off a chick's ass.  

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On 12/10/2023 at 9:47 AM, YGIFS said:

I tell every male that's ever worked for me..."You never, ever say anything to a woman about being pregnant even if you think it's a benign congratulations.  If she's fishing for a compliment on her bun in the oven, she'll let you know.  Only time you ever open your fucking mouth about a pregnancy is if you see her baby's head crowning and she screams out for help.  And even then, it's very likely an elaborate social media prank."  

 

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8 hours ago, YGIFS said:

A few months ago, there was some light controversy at UT (and many, many other places as well) about using the term "whitepaper."  I've penned a few and used the term, but I just assumed (perhaps wrongfully) that it was somebody not in academia typing something out to share with scholars/students that happened to be printed on white paper.  Kinda like 'Black Market.'  Has nothing to do with race, it's derived from a time you'd trade at night when it was black out so nobody saw you, in a time before streetlamps or 24 hour superstores.  Now South Austin's Mom?  That's a round-the-clock Wet Market like you wouldn't believe.

Y'all have some valid points on proper compliments and terminology with coworkers and so forth.  I guess where I'm at a loss is why the fuck you'd voluntarily speak with people in an office to begin with?  You're like Rob Schneider chatting up somebody making copies.  There are appropriate compliments.  There are inappropriate compliments.  There are grey areas.  Why not just not talk?  We have Surly precisely so we don't have to audibly engage with real people during the workday.  I have never, ever in 25 years of professional work...come home and thought, "I wished I would spoken out loud more at work today."  Just don't talk.  It's the biggest rush in life next to doing a double rail off a chick's ass.  

White paper comes from the color of the booklet that the UK government used to print them.  Same thing with “blue book.” 
 

Now let’s talk about how come it’s gotta be WHITE smoke at the Vatican. 

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31 minutes ago, slorch said:

Little white lies are the harmless ones.

then, Black Lies Matter?  

There's a running joke in our family for the last 40+ years (on mom's side).  When I was at home with mom as a little one, we'd speak Spanish.  Wasn't until i was in pre-K/Kinder that I started on proficient English.  I started out kinda pale like most babies then started getting darker by early schooling.  So we're driving to this dive Mexican restaurant in South Chicago as one of my earliest childhood memories (maybe 3 or 4).  And it's Sunday midday so all the Hispanic Catholics are pouring out of church and we're driving by a few cathedrals and I said, "Hey, they're beige like me!"  And I remember mom and dad just cracking up.  So to this day, we don't say Brown or People of Color, we say "Beige People" when referring our gente/familia.  I tried out that terminology a couple times in Austin and got some dirty looks from some 'progressive' white people.  I get that just because your older relatives said it doesn't make it okay to repeat in polite society, but I can still see my mother and father doubled over in the front seat with burning cigarettes laughing at "Hey look, Beige people!" so in that case, I can say whatever the fuck I want.  

But don't get us started on the goddamn Puerto Ricans.

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On 12/9/2023 at 10:17 AM, 956 Worldwide said:

My understanding is that “Oriental” is out of favor because there is an opposite, “Occidental” that no one uses when referring to people. You would use the nationality or “European” or “North American;” no one says “he is an Occidental.” So “Oriental” has the connotation of an undifferentiated mass of people from the East who are different from us and for whom that difference is a defining factor. 

 “Asian” or “South Asian” or “East Asian” is just a geographic descriptor and is more like what we say about ourselves and people like us.

But let's be real fair--"Asian" is a lousy geographic description because it is so non-specific.  To give any idea what you actually mean, you need to say "East Asian" or "South Asian" or whatever. 

The implication that "Asian" means "East Asian" brings its own problems.  It indicates that you're ignoring (among other places) the most-populous country on Earth.  And yeah--some people find that kind of offensive.

All of which should serve as your periodic reminder that today's progressivism is tomorrow's cringe.

On 12/9/2023 at 9:30 PM, shadow_operative said:

i recently saw a long thread online full of women who were all in an uproar about how wildly insensitive it is to tell a woman who’s recently lost weight that she looks great, because she may have IBS and your pointing to her weight loss as a positive thing can be traumatizing to her.

so, one day you walk into the office, and your coworker who’s lost 15-20 lbs looks particularly good, you notice and give her a friendly compliment, and you’re an asshole if she has IBS and you don’t know it? i’m sorry, i don’t agree with that.

In this anecdote, we're talking about a woman complimenting other women.  So I think the discussion about what we as men can or can't do in the workplace is a bit misplaced.

But somewhat relatedly, our former partner who was the head of our employment-law section was in the office yesterday to handle some EOY benefits stuff.  She retired a year ago and hadn't seen me in at least six months.  And during that time, I've lost a bunch of weight.  So when she stopped by my office, she said "damn, GOLL--you look hot."

Fuck yeah, I do.  I'm not eating fucking salads and spending my evenings in the gym to look not hot, after all.  But even so, that (very accurate) observation had me strutting around like a peacock all afternoon.

And it occurs to me that we shouldn't forego compliments that are going to validate someone's efforts for fear that the person may have a condition that only a tiny percentage of the population has.  

Besides--in my experience, people with IBS make sure everyone around them knows about their IBS.  They're a little like vegans in that way.

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On 12/8/2023 at 11:17 AM, orange dream said:

Here's one.  The mention of mixed-race, etc. upthread reminded me of a word that was common in my central Texas upbringing in the 70-80s but I hadn't heard in a while (Mulatto).

Imagine my surprise when I'm listening to the radio one day a few years back and the new creation from Dairy Queen is advertised...

dq_moolattes.thumb.webp.5b0081bdd3ceedbb7aa6698d1d0eaec1.webp

 

Fuck me runnin' does anyone review these product names?

overreach 

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On 12/10/2023 at 10:48 AM, 'stache said:

Man, I thought it was universal that you shouldn’t comment on peoples’ weigh unless they’re on a public weight loss journey or something. There are lots of reasons, the weight loss might be inadvertent and telling them they look good specifically because of weight loss means you noticed them being heavier before, something they might have never even entered their mind. Hell it’s happened to me, I was feeling self conscious having looked in the mirror a while back and feeling I had put on some pounds. Managed to drop a few and someone commented if I had lost some weight, basically confirmed my prior insecurities that people perceived me as heavier. Wouldn’t say I was “offended” but it was a shitty feeling in the moment. It’s different for women too who too often are valued by their looks over anything else. We’re better at that as a society but can always do better.

Wow, @'stache, you must have a very hungry tapeworm!  It's very generous of you to let it take so much of your typical nutrient intake.

Am I doing workplace compliments right?

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There are a lot of sayings being dropped in here that I had absolutely no idea had any connection to racism.  I would guess most people don't.

My general rule of thumb (I guess that's a bad one too) is that it's usually pretty obvious when someone is saying something from a place of derisive intent vs a mindless application of an old saying whose origins are long forgotten.

And all of this changes over time.  When I was a kid, people called knocking on a door and running away "N-word knocking".  Obviously most of us played Smear the Queer.  Even in those contexts I never thought of hating African Americans or the LGBTQ community while engaging in the activity, but the offensiveness of those terms is so evident and easy to understand that I ditched them long ago.

My general rule is to listen to people and try not to be an asshole.  If someone says they found something I said offensive, I apologize and listen to what they have to say, and then evaluate my further usage of the term.  Seems to work pretty well.

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28 minutes ago, Parliament said:

And I thought "white washing" was just painting over something that was dirty instead of actually cleaning it (presumably white paint).  Allegory for covering over a problem instead of actually fixing it.

It is, and it’s a really old English term indeed. To when “whitewash” was a really cheap thin lime based slosh used to do an inexpensive job. Also “whited.”

It goes back farther than that when Jesus called the “teachers of the law” “whitewashed tombs/whited sepulchers,” attractive on the outside but full of bones and unpleasant things.

Again, not linked to the color white or white people being better than black. It’s 

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9 hours ago, Parliament said:

And I thought "white washing" was just painting over something that was dirty instead of actually cleaning it (presumably white paint).  Allegory for covering over a problem instead of actually fixing it.

Yes, yes, exactly, like in *Tom Sawyer*

Its figurative use (though not an allegory) dates back to C16 England but it feels like a firmly American idiom. 

Its connotation in conversations about structural racism, however, is a recent phenomenon, perhaps only emerging in the last five years (e.g. casting white actors for parts written for poc or adapted from material where that was the case)

 

 

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On 12/8/2023 at 4:33 AM, Prepuce of Doom said:

One that I still occasionally struggle with is "gypsy" - gypsy curse, threaten to sell the boy to gypsies, etc., (but never "gypped"). 

This one is interesting. "Gypsy" is usually a slur used to describe roma/romani people (or, like, Irish travelers) and stereotypes about them. But originally it was an exonym, a name given to an indigenous people by outsiders. (The most common one of these for most of us will be "Indians" for Native Americans.) Early British historiographers thought the roma people they encountered or heard about were African, hence their name in Middle English, Egypcian.

 

So I don't recommend using "Gypsy" or any related pejorative forms, but it's not wildly offensive, just confusing.

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23 hours ago, Ghost of LL said:

But let's be real fair--"Asian" is a lousy geographic description because it is so non-specific.  To give any idea what you actually mean, you need to say "East Asian" or "South Asian" or whatever. 

The implication that "Asian" means "East Asian" brings its own problems.  It indicates that you're ignoring (among other places) the most-populous country on Earth.  And yeah--some people find that kind of offensive.

All of which should serve as your periodic reminder that today's progressivism is tomorrow's cringe.

In this anecdote, we're talking about a woman complimenting other women.  So I think the discussion about what we as men can or can't do in the workplace is a bit misplaced.

But somewhat relatedly, our former partner who was the head of our employment-law section was in the office yesterday to handle some EOY benefits stuff.  She retired a year ago and hadn't seen me in at least six months.  And during that time, I've lost a bunch of weight.  So when she stopped by my office, she said "damn, GOLL--you look hot."

Fuck yeah, I do.  I'm not eating fucking salads and spending my evenings in the gym to look not hot, after all.  But even so, that (very accurate) observation had me strutting around like a peacock all afternoon.

And it occurs to me that we shouldn't forego compliments that are going to validate someone's efforts for fear that the person may have a condition that only a tiny percentage of the population has.  

Besides--in my experience, people with IBS make sure everyone around them knows about their IBS.  They're a little like vegans in that way.

First, congrats on the weight loss. I agree that compliments that validate hardwork and an appealing appearance can be a very positive emotional and mental experience.

I think the problem is less about offending the 1% with a condition and more about drawing attention to the 99% who used to be fat and sloppy. Especially when our experience tells us more of these people are going to lose the diet war and end up as fat or fatter than they were originally— though I guess with the diabetes weight loss drugs maybe that’s changed now.

Whereas you felt great and validated and your ego was tickled by being complimented for the weight loss and didn’t consider that the comparison being made was that you used to not be hot to this person and probably most people who aren’t your wife, others like someone from the last page, feel bad about themselves because they hear insults to how they used to be ugly and fat and unacceptable in attractiveness. 

I would hypothesize that it is a man/woman thing and gender privilege is at play but we had a guy on this very thread express this very sentiment on the last page, so I think sensitivity to whether commenting on weight is a compliment or a “backhanded” compliment is unique to each individual.

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54 minutes ago, Vegas64 said:

First, congrats on the weight loss. I agree that compliments that validate hardwork and an appealing appearance can be a very positive emotional and mental experience.

I think the problem is less about offending the 1% with a condition and more about drawing attention to the 99% who used to be fat and sloppy. Especially when our experience tells us more of these people are going to lose the diet war and end up as fat or fatter than they were originally— though I guess with the diabetes weight loss drugs maybe that’s changed now.

Whereas you felt great and validated and your ego was tickled by being complimented for the weight loss and didn’t consider that the comparison being made was that you used to not be hot to this person and probably most people who aren’t your wife, others like someone from the last page, feel bad about themselves because they hear insults to how they used to be ugly and fat and unacceptable in attractiveness. 

I would hypothesize that it is a man/woman thing and gender privilege is at play but we had a guy on this very thread express this very sentiment on the last page, so I think sensitivity to whether commenting on weight is a compliment or a “backhanded” compliment is unique to each individual.

I think that's all right.  And you hit on something I referenced--there is a gender issue at play, both as to the complimenter and the receiver of the compliment.

I think the lesson, more than anything, is "use good judgment."  And if you have any question about whether you have good judgment, then perhaps consider foregoing a compliment.

As an aside, and as I referenced, my former partner was the head of the firm's employment section.  And later that afternoon, a bunch of us attorneys were laughing because the employment section is always the one that is the closest to the guardrail when it comes to workplace behavior.  It's pretty much a cliche across law firms at this point--every firm I've ever been associated with has had the same opinion of its employment lawyers.

But here's the thing--they have good judgment based on years of professional experience.  They know when something is going to be unwelcome and offensive.  They don't make those comments.  So they may make comments that seem out of place among others who are cognizant about watching our step.  But they never actually make comments or do anything that would be truly unwelcome.

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We have a bunch of purple ground cover plants here outside the office.  These plants fall into a variety of the Tradescantia species which are collectively known as wandering Jew.  I saw that some have started referring to them as wandering dude.  Does anyone really care if they continue to be referred to as wandering Jew?

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On 12/7/2023 at 11:21 PM, texasdago said:

I was in a meeting probably 3-4 years ago when I talked about someone getting "whipped into shape" in the context of being disciplined.  Never really thought about the term until I noticed one of my clients who happened to be black noticeably react.  I felt terrible and realized in one fell swoop how bad it sounded.  Never used the term again.  

I had the same experience a little over 3 years ago.  I was talking to one of my Freshman athletes about his tardiness.  I said I didn't want to have to "crack the whip".  I don't think I ever really used the pharse very much, and hadn't thought anything of it...until THAT MOMENT, as it was coming out of my mouth.  I immediatley looked to see his response, but thankfully I don't think it phased him. We have had a tight coach athlete relationship over 3 plus years, but damn at that moment I felt awful. 

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On 12/12/2023 at 5:02 PM, Brisketexan said:

And for the record, the term is "spic and span" -- if you just say "spic span," people might think you're referring to a bridge to be used solely by mexicans.  And I'm here telling you that you shouldn't do that.

Mexicans don't build bridges, they just swim across. 

 

heyooooooooooo!  

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