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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

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Wife yesterday at a restaurant

Wife to waiter "I want everything that comes on the cheese pizza, but add pepperoni"

Me "So, you want a pepperoni pizza?  You probably could have just said that"

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Daughters were asking questions about dinosaurs...  Wife starts explaining.  And says to me "Were people around when the dinosaurs were?"

This woman is a CPA and has a masters in accounting.  I'll cut her some slack cause she's preggers again... But damn.
 

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I have a new entry from this morning:

My wife is not a huge meat eater, mostly vegetarian but will eat good quality stuff. Yesterday I made the best brisket I have ever made in my life for a get together with friends. Everyone was loving it including the wife, so I was feeling pretty good about it. There were about 2 pounds of leftovers since it was only us and another couple so I kept it.

Today during lunch my wife goes after the brisket again, but as I walk by her cutting the meat, I yell out “What the hell are you doing?!” Her response:

“I like the brisket, but I didnt want a fatty piece so I decided to slice off the bottom”

me: “You just sliced off the bark from an entire side of the brisket!”

her: “Oh..Well.. it tastes good! Lol”

Edited by Vertigo

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Did you happen to look at any of the 10 or so threads already started?

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Wife's cousin recently had a baby and was having the baptism today.  Cousin actually lives in Deleware but was having the baptism at the church she grew up in but hasn't been to in 15 years except for very special occasions.  The church does not have a current pastor.  Wife also rarely talks to said cousin.  Cousin doesn't even know the names of our kids.

 

So we get to the church at 9:45 this morning since thats when we were told to be there.  Turns out service doesn't even start until 10:15.  Cousin keeps calling my 2 year old son by the wrong name.  Wife's aunt walks up and asks us where our present was then gets upset we didn't bring one.  Baptism lasts 45 minutes and then they start the actual service.  My 2 year old can't sit still, which is normal, and my wife is getting pissed at him.  Obviously I'm already pissed at wife because we never should have gone in the first place.

 

I finally get sick of it and walk out with both of our kids at 11:45.  We go to eat and text wife to have someone drop her off at the restaurant.  Wife finally shows up at restaurant about 1 pretty unhappy with me.

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My wife had to meet up with me after work the other night so we could go to a function on the side of town I work in.  We left her car in the parking lot of my and went to the thing.  Afterwards, we went back and got her car to go home.  I told her to stay on my ass because she's not too familiar with that part of town. Drive a couple of miles and look in my rearview mirror and she's 100 yards back.  Call her on the phone and tell her to speed up and get right behind me because she'll stuck in red light. She speeds up and gets behind me.  We drive 2 blocks and I look in mirror and she's 100 yards back again.  I'm doing the speed limit.  

Edited by yoshi

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I have a new entry from this morning:

My wife is not a huge meat eater, mostly vegetarian but will eat good quality stuff. Yesterday I made the best brisket I have ever made in my life for a get together with friends. Everyone was loving it including the wife, so I was feeling pretty good about it. There were about 2 pounds of leftovers since it was only us and another couple so I kept it.

Today during lunch my wife goes after the brisket again, but as I walk by her cutting the meat, I yell out “What the hell are you doing?!” Her response:

“I like the brisket, but I didnt want a fatty piece so I decided to slice off the bottom”

me: “You just sliced off the bark from an entire side of the brisket!”

her: “Oh..Well.. it tastes good! Lol”

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4 hours ago, Vertigo said:

I have a new entry from this morning:

My wife is not a huge meat eater, mostly vegetarian but will eat good quality stuff. Yesterday I made the best brisket I have ever made in my life for a get together with friends. Everyone was loving it including the wife, so I was feeling pretty good about it. There were about 2 pounds of leftovers since it was only us and another couple so I kept it.

Today during lunch my wife goes after the brisket again, but as I walk by her cutting the meat, I yell out “What the hell are you doing?!” Her response:

“I like the brisket, but I didnt want a fatty piece so I decided to slice off the bottom”

me: “You just sliced off the bark from an entire side of the brisket!”

her: “Oh..Well.. it tastes good! Lol”

Sorry to hear about your divorce. 

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5 hours ago, Vertigo said:

I have a new entry from this morning:

My wife is not a huge meat eater, mostly vegetarian but will eat good quality stuff. Yesterday I made the best brisket I have ever made in my life for a get together with friends. Everyone was loving it including the wife, so I was feeling pretty good about it. There were about 2 pounds of leftovers since it was only us and another couple so I kept it.

Today during lunch my wife goes after the brisket again, but as I walk by her cutting the meat, I yell out “What the hell are you doing?!” Her response:

“I like the brisket, but I didnt want a fatty piece so I decided to slice off the bottom”

me: “You just sliced off the bark from an entire side of the brisket!”

her: “Oh..Well.. it tastes good! Lol”

You going to use lye or pigs to dispose of the body?

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5 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

when he gets home from the bar

I be here but the new site is blocked by my work.  Going to have to post more from the bar.   

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5 hours ago, txhorns said:

Wife's cousin recently had a baby and was having the baptism today.  Cousin actually lives in Deleware but was having the baptism at the church she grew up in but hasn't been to in 15 years except for very special occasions.  The church does not have a current pastor.  Wife also rarely talks to said cousin.  Cousin doesn't even know the names of our kids.

 

So we get to the church at 9:45 this morning since thats when we were told to be there.  Turns out service doesn't even start until 10:15.  Cousin keeps calling my 2 year old son by the wrong name.  Wife's aunt walks up and asks us where our present was then gets upset we didn't bring one.  Baptism lasts 45 minutes and then they start the actual service.  My 2 year old can't sit still, which is normal, and my wife is getting pissed at him.  Obviously I'm already pissed at wife because we never should have gone in the first place.

 

I finally get sick of it and walk out with both of our kids at 11:45.  We go to eat and text wife to have someone drop her off at the restaurant.  Wife finally shows up at restaurant about 1 pretty unhappy with me.

Csb, I once washed my face and slicked back my hair in the holy water receptacle in Nada, Tx.  That didn’t top the old fella next to me who put his dentures and his glass eye in the collection plate.  

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Those things you kneeled on, that folded up when you weren’t using them, we also stuck chewing gum all over those.  I’m destined to hell but god got a laugh or two out of my shenanigans.  

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Watching a cartoon with the wife and kids. All the kids in the cartoon were dressed in costumes from various countries and we were naming the ones we recognized. 

"There's Mexico, Japan, Australia, England, Germany, Holland. What's the one on the right? Can't see all of it."

Wife: "I think it's Africa."

Me: "Africa isn't a country."

Wife starts to argue then gets a look on her face like she knew I was going to post this. 

Edited by Modessit

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LOL,  getting bad that mine realizes that I might post some of her actions/comments and she catches herself in time.  I have to work on my poker face. 

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14 hours ago, Vertigo said:

 

My wife is not a huge meat eater,

that's just what you think....

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21 hours ago, Dean Gullberry said:

Daughters were asking questions about dinosaurs...  Wife starts explaining.  And says to me "Were people around when the dinosaurs were?"

This woman is a CPA and has a masters in accounting.  I'll cut her some slack cause she's preggers again... But damn.
 

My wife used to not believe in dinosaurs, I'm still not sure she really does.  And when I used to, I mean up to around age 30.

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 My wife had a crew working at the Dell Match Play this weekend. She had to go out Saturday morning to deliver breakfast and snacks for the day. They park in a lot by the 14th green. 

She does all her shit and gets back to the van. No keys. She has no idea if she left them in the van or dropped them somewhere on the course. Can't risk AAA breaking in because the alarm will go off and she's not sure the keys are in there to turn it off. 

No spare. Lost it a long time ago. So she has to wait for the golfers to finish 14...4 hours later. Keys in purse. In van. 

This is at least the 5th time she's had to get rescued by AAA in the last 2 years. 

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They are building an apartment complex near our area. They are also building a single duplex unit on a lot down the road. The wife was reading about the apartment development in the community impact paper.

Referring to the 3000 sqft duplex building down the road, "Whoa they are going to have 193 units in that building."  "That is amazing"

230114_908223010.jpg

 

 

Edited by HOOKEM4

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Yup. I do this shit for a living and laugh my ass off at all the wives on the lakeway facetrons chirping about this.

Edited by HOOKEM4

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The activist lady who live posts every time someone takes a breath on the podium to Lakeway Broadcast... That shit needs to die in a fire, quickly.  "Don't mess with my Lakeway!" says a fucking twat that moved here from California...

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On our way to the shop today to get my truck AC recharged, and my wife rear ended me. Gonna need a new fender, bumper, and possible tailgate. She’s gonna need a new headlight assembly, bumper, and fender. 

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5 minutes ago, jofus said:

On our way to the shop today to get my truck AC recharged, and my wife rear ended me. Gonna need a new fender, bumper, and possible tailgate. She’s gonna need a new headlight assembly, bumper, and fender. 

She was on her phone, wasn't she?

 

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14 minutes ago, GhostRider said:

She was on her phone, wasn't she?

 

Baby was screaming. Light turned green, everyone accelerated, everyone slammed on brakes, wife was too slow. 

Told her it is only fair if I rear end her while she’s not looking. 

Edited by jofus

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Wife calls me at work, 3pm.  Something is definitely off.  We just got home from a week in Italy on Saturday and our bags just got to our house this morning before I left for work. 

She starts the small talk but I can tell she’s done something.  

Long story short, she washed my suit pants, no drier, and thinks she can save them. We shall see.

 

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17 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

I can definitely help you with this.

Is that offer the online equivalent of sliding your foot under the stall door?

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What the fuck is with the “Lets watch our recorded show” and then she proceeds to talk and/or do shit on her phone the whole time?  This ultimately ends up with her asking me a shit ton of questions about the show.

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22 minutes ago, Jimbaround said:

What the fuck is with the “Lets watch our recorded show” and then she proceeds to talk and/or do shit on her phone the whole time?  This ultimately ends up with her asking me a shit ton of questions about the show.

That shit drives me crazy. 

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16 hours ago, kmac30 said:

Wife calls me at work, 3pm.  Something is definitely off.  We just got home from a week in Italy on Saturday and our bags just got to our house this morning before I left for work. 

She starts the small talk but I can tell she’s done something.  

Long story short, she washed my suit pants, no drier, and thinks she can save them. We shall see.

 

Haaaaaaa.

 

Honestly, they can be saved if someone knows what they are doing.

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11 hours ago, Jimbaround said:

What the fuck is with the “Lets watch our recorded show” and then she proceeds to talk and/or do shit on her phone the whole time?  This ultimately ends up with her asking me a shit ton of questions about the show.

Now that shit is rage inducing. Yet, mine always does it, without fail. 

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3 minutes ago, lateshow said:

Now that shit is rage inducing. Yet, mine always does it, without fail. 

I also love the "who is that guy" question for a character who we've never seen before.  "I don't know, I'm learning watching this for the first time the same as you."

Edited by Jimbaround

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11 hours ago, Jimbaround said:

What the fuck is with the “Lets watch our recorded show” and then she proceeds to talk and/or do shit on her phone the whole time?  This ultimately ends up with her asking me a shit ton of questions about the show.

When my wife does that I just discreetly switch over to whatever Marvel series I haven't finished yet.  Sometimes I make it through half an episode before she catches on.

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My in-laws came by to drop something off for the wife as I was on my way home from work. MIL parked in the middle of our driveway and then sees me coming down the street, she reverses and then pulls in directly behind my wife’s car. The garage door is open and my wife is in the garage by the door. I pull in past MIL’s car and into the garage. As I get about halfway in, the top of my Tahoe is hit by the fucking garage door coming down. My wife had walked into the house for something and then back into the garage as MIL had turned her car off to come in. 

Garage door is fucked, as I was still moving when it came down and hit the rails on top of the Tahoe. 

Wife’s response is to blame her mom’s car turning off or “her Bluetooth somehow messed with the garage frequency”. MIL does not have an opener to our garage door. Wife was standing right next to the door opener on the wall but swears she didn’t hit it as she came back out of the house. 

 

 

I know she hit that fucking button. 

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4 minutes ago, Jimbaround said:

I also love the "who is that guy" question for a character who we've never seen before.  "I don't know, I'm learning watching this for the first time the same as you."

This is my wife's go to.

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1 hour ago, G650 said:

Haaaaaaa.

 

Honestly, they can be saved if someone knows what they are doing.

The suit pants are saved (seem to be).  She failed to mention my other slacks that I found in our guest room draped over a chair that look like dog shit.  Maybe they can be saved, maybe not. 

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