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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

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I read this thread as a constant reminder to not get married and I say this as a single guy so take it with a grain of salt but all you motherfukers should go out and buy your wives a hyundai with the phone key app.

No way they lose their phones nearly as often as they lose their keys.

 

Get a keypad for the house.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15298

Posted
Posted
12 minutes ago, Grade of D as in David said:

I read this thread as a constant reminder to not get married and I say this as a single guy so take it with a grain of salt but all you motherfukers should go out and buy your wives a hyundai with the phone key app.

No way they lose their phones nearly as often as they lose their keys.

 

Get a keypad for the house.

apparently you haven’t read the thread as thoroughly as you think.  Most of the wives on here lose their phone every day, several times per day 

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deadshank

deadshank 24644

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Posted (edited)

One year ago

her:  When you take the dogs to the office do you keep their harnesses on, you know, for safety?

me:  Uh, huh.  You asked me to, so I do. 

her: Oh, good.  Thanks!

Today

(I send cute pic of snoozing dogs piled on sofa in my office....with harnesses on)

her:  OMG, they have their harnesses on at the office!!!  That’s so mean!  Why do you think that’s a good idea?  Why would you do that?

me:  Uh......

Edited by deadshank
Punctuation, and; stuff:
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Not a cat

Not a cat 5596

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

I read this thread as a constant reminder to not get married and I say this as a single guy so take it with a grain of salt but all you motherfukers should go out and buy your wives a hyundai with the phone key app.

No way they lose their phones nearly as often as they lose their keys.

 

Get a keypad for the house.

If this thread saves one life, it'll all be worth it.  And it looks like it has.

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Francisco 2.0

Francisco 2.0 31566

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

I read this thread as a constant reminder to not get married and I say this as a single guy so take it with a grain of salt but all you motherfukers should go out and buy your wives a hyundai with the phone key app.

No way they lose their phones nearly as often as they lose their keys.

 

Get a keypad for the house.

Dude.

Just a few weeks back, I posted about my ex having the keys in her hand and still not able to unlock a door, because she was trying to put the key in upside down.  

Not getting married is fine, but odds are, if you ever choose to, she's gonna do some shit that is worthy of this thread.

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nnm

nnm 35473

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Posted

Woke up at 0530 this morning to the smoke/fire alarm blaring this morning—piercing beeping, electronic voice saying “fire!,” all over the house. I did not panic. I walked bleary-eyed into the kitchen, where my wife was standing by the back door, letting in the ~30 degree air, to air out the smoke from the beef she was browning on the range before she put it in the slow cooker for tonight’s dinner. 
Just another day in the NNM household. 

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18326

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, miguelito said:

Also, each one of us husbands has a secret key to the house that she doesn't know about, hidden somewhere outside.

This is spot on. If you don't have a hidden backup key to the regular backup key, then it's on you when they invariably use the regular backup key and don't return it or outright lose it. This isn't limited to wives either as kids are often just as guilty. 

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28574

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, nnm said:

Woke up at 0530 this morning to the smoke/fire alarm blaring this morning—piercing beeping, electronic voice saying “fire!,” all over the house. I did not panic. I walked bleary-eyed into the kitchen, where my wife was standing by the back door, letting in the ~30 degree air, to air out the smoke from the beef she was browning on the range before she put it in the slow cooker for tonight’s dinner. 
Just another day in the NNM household. 

Gonna need to see pics of the finished product in order to rule on this. 

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hullabelew

hullabelew 3697

Posted
Posted (edited)
21 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

I read this thread as a constant reminder to not get married and I say this as a single guy so take it with a grain of salt but all you motherfukers should go out and buy your wives a hyundai with the phone key app.

No way they lose their phones nearly as often as they lose their keys.

 

Get a keypad for the house.

Oh...bless your heart.  

- Where is my phone?  Have you seen my phone? Why isn't my phone working?  I can't get in...my phone isn't charged.  
- I can't remember the code for the phone. 
- Is the code for the keypad 1234 Enter, or Enter 1234?
- I entered the code for the phone onto the keypad for the door.  I did it like 10 times and now neither work. (This happened....and somehow my wife hit the right combination of buttons and completely entered a new code into the keypad for the house)  Thankfully, I had never told her about the existence of the master code.  

 

Edited by hullabelew
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hullabelew

hullabelew 3697

Posted
Posted

Damn...this keypad thing just brought back a nightmare.   Staying at Air-BnB in Nashville.  House had a keypad on entryway into stairwell, then keypad into the house.  Same keypad...same code.   

To open:  3378 Turn the Knob. 
To lock:  3378 Turn the fucking knob.

4 days, three nights.  She NEVER got it right.  "This thing is so complicated."  Yep honey...it's a tough one. 

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 51913

Posted
Posted (edited)
44 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

Damn...this keypad thing just brought back a nightmare.   Staying at Air-BnB in Nashville.  House had a keypad on entryway into stairwell, then keypad into the house.  Same keypad...same code.   

To open:  3378 Turn the Knob. 
To lock:  3378 Turn the fucking knob.

4 days, three nights.  She NEVER got it right.  "This thing is so complicated."  Yep honey...it's a tough one. 

How does the door know to lock if you do the code and turn the knob to both open it and lock it?

i put a smart lock on our front door that has codes, fingerprint, and Bluetooth proximity. I don’t have the Bluetooth activated because that’s a bad habit with all the phone misplacement that goes on, but the fingerprint reader helps with the code fuckups. 

Edited by Pato del Muerto
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Eugene11

Eugene11 375

Posted
Posted
24 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

How does the door know to lock if you do the code and turn the knob to both open it and lock it?

i put a smart lock on our front door that has codes, fingerprint, and Bluetooth proximity. I don’t have the Bluetooth activated because that’s a bad habit with all the phone misplacement that goes on, but the fingerprint reader helps with the code fuckups. 

She'd either forget which finger she used or god forbid misplace a finger

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Buzzrock

Buzzrock 14775

Posted
Posted
Woke up at 0530 this morning to the smoke/fire alarm blaring this morning—piercing beeping, electronic voice saying “fire!,” all over the house. I did not panic. I walked bleary-eyed into the kitchen, where my wife was standing by the back door, letting in the ~30 degree air, to air out the smoke from the beef she was browning on the range before she put it in the slow cooker for tonight’s dinner. 
Just another day in the NNM household. 


Reminds me of the time my wife started a fire with the flue closed, got on the phone with her mom and stopped paying attention, and smoked up the house. Then she opened the windows, turned on the attic fan, cranked up the TV and conked out.

It was 40° outside.

I came home hours later to a 50° house, a blaring TV, a noisy attic fan and a sleeping wife. Took all night to warm the house back up.
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blacklab

blacklab 11806

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We're at Lake Tahoe to ski. I used to live here and have been here dozens of times. The water out of the tap is awesome. Tastes great as it's water that's melted snow filtered through rocks. Kids are going to bed and want some water.

Wife: Can you go to the store and get some bottled water?

Me: the tapwater is great here, drink from the tap.

Wife: Isn't it dirty? We're close to the lake.

Me: WTF does being near the lake have to do with tapwater?

Boys drank tapwater and somehow survived and are still alive today.

 

Wife doesn't ski so she dropped us off at Gondola on California side. We are staying on the Nevada side and are about 500 yards from the Stagecoach lift. I called her to come pick me up at the stagecoach lift. You would have thought I was asking her to pick me up on the moon. 

me: "It's 500 yards from the condo. go out the parking lot, the street is one way, it will take you around a corner and there is a ski lift and a lodge I am at the lodge

her: So the same place I dropped you off?

me: no, It's 500 yards from the condo. go out the parking lot, the street is one way, it will take you around a corner and there is a ski lift and a lodge I am at the lodge. We passed it on the way out of the neighborhood this morning.

her: what?

me: I'll text you my location and the address of it.

So now she has the address, she has my location on find my friend, and I texted her my exact lat and long.

5 minutes later I'm frantically waving my arms at her as she drives by the lodge at 40 miles an hour.

 

 

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Mrs Whiggins

Mrs Whiggins 13049

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Posted
29 minutes ago, blacklab said:

We're at Lake Tahoe to ski. I used to live here and have been here dozens of times. The water out of the tap is awesome. Tastes great as it's water that's melted snow filtered through rocks. Kids are going to bed and want some water.

Wife: Can you go to the store and get some bottled water?

Me: the tapwater is great here, drink from the tap.

Wife: Isn't it dirty? We're close to the lake.

Me: WTF does being near the lake have to do with tapwater?

Boys drank tapwater and somehow survived and are still alive today.

 

Wife doesn't ski so she dropped us off at Gondola on California side. We are staying on the Nevada side and are about 500 yards from the Stagecoach lift. I called her to come pick me up at the stagecoach lift. You would have thought I was asking her to pick me up on the moon. 

me: "It's 500 yards from the condo. go out the parking lot, the street is one way, it will take you around a corner and there is a ski lift and a lodge I am at the lodge

her: So the same place I dropped you off?

me: no, It's 500 yards from the condo. go out the parking lot, the street is one way, it will take you around a corner and there is a ski lift and a lodge I am at the lodge. We passed it on the way out of the neighborhood this morning.

her: what?

me: I'll text you my location and the address of it.

So now she has the address, she has my location on find my friend, and I texted her my exact lat and long.

5 minutes later I'm frantically waving my arms at her as she drives by the lodge at 40 miles an hour.

 

 

She really would like you to get more exercise.

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 51913

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Posted
49 minutes ago, blacklab said:

We're at Lake Tahoe to ski. I used to live here and have been here dozens of times. The water out of the tap is awesome. Tastes great as it's water that's melted snow filtered through rocks. Kids are going to bed and want some water.

Wife: Can you go to the store and get some bottled water?

Me: the tapwater is great here, drink from the tap.

Wife: Isn't it dirty? We're close to the lake.

Me: WTF does being near the lake have to do with tapwater?

Boys drank tapwater and somehow survived and are still alive today.

 

Wife doesn't ski so she dropped us off at Gondola on California side. We are staying on the Nevada side and are about 500 yards from the Stagecoach lift. I called her to come pick me up at the stagecoach lift. You would have thought I was asking her to pick me up on the moon. 

me: "It's 500 yards from the condo. go out the parking lot, the street is one way, it will take you around a corner and there is a ski lift and a lodge I am at the lodge

her: So the same place I dropped you off?

me: no, It's 500 yards from the condo. go out the parking lot, the street is one way, it will take you around a corner and there is a ski lift and a lodge I am at the lodge. We passed it on the way out of the neighborhood this morning.

her: what?

me: I'll text you my location and the address of it.

So now she has the address, she has my location on find my friend, and I texted her my exact lat and long.

5 minutes later I'm frantically waving my arms at her as she drives by the lodge at 40 miles an hour.

 

 

Tell her to get her ass on some skis and learn, have some family time. 

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Upgrayedd

Upgrayedd 5743

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Three or four years ago, she had to go to the doc to get some skin removed for biopsy.  Local anesthetic.  I was completely slammed that day at work.  The night before, I asked if she wanted me to go with her.  “It’s no big deal.  I understand if you are busy.”  I passed, but told her to call me and I’d come get her if she felt she needed it.

Guess what just came up tonight in February of 20 fucking 20?

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Modessit

Modessit 5582

Posted
Posted
Three or four years ago, she had to go to the doc to get some skin removed for biopsy.  Local anesthetic.  I was completely slammed that day at work.  The night before, I asked if she wanted me to go with her.  “It’s no big deal.  I understand if you are busy.”  I passed, but told her to call me and I’d come get her if she felt she needed it.
Guess what just came up tonight in February of 20 fucking 20?
Give her that long list of every time she promised sex or blowjobs and didn't deliver.
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