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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

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2 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

This post demands a follow-up.

Even odds that she burns $42 worth of gas just driving from store to store to see what they have in the way of gallon sized portable liquid storage?

just buy the giant mug at tigermart. Then you get cheap refills later on. 

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On 6/3/2020 at 8:49 AM, VolenteHawk said:

Dave harmonizing with the water glass makes me laugh my ass off every time.

 

Breaaaaaast Miiiiiilk... You make my DAAAAAAAaaaaaaay...

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7 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

so the son's school is starting summer workouts on Monday and as you might guess the district has a laundry list of policies and procedures that must be followed.One of the rules is the school cannot provide water and kids must bring their own, at least a gallon every day. One of her friends who has a kid going to the same stuff texts her a picture of some Rtic or some shit and asks her if she wants her to grab her one... wife says "No way I'm spending $42 on one of those things"

She is now off to the store to come up with her own solution...there is not a chance in hell this ends well, or with a cost of <$42... 

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15 hours ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

This morning the wife complained about how well she's been sleeping lately. 

/Tommy Lee Jones newspaper meme.

Next time she says this mumble under your breath hmmm I guess I need to increase the dosage and just trail off.

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18 hours ago, hullabelew said:

We have been rolling as of late here at Casa de Hulla.  Wife is painting the bedroom.  I BEGGED her to just pay someone to it.  FUCK HGTV.

She asked me for help calculating much paint will be needed.   Her numbers weren't coming out in the online calculator.  

Her:  I have these measurements.   This stupid thing isn't working.  I input the numbers. The room is 12'5" by 18'31".
Me:  18 feet, 31 inches?  
Her:  Yes.
Me:  Why 31 inches?  Was the tape measure only 18 ft long?  
Her:  Yep.  How did you know? 

michael buble chef kiss GIF by bubly

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19 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

This post demands a follow-up.

she took the boy with her and he said all her ideas were stupid, so nothing was done...for the time being. of course I get the collateral tone because "He acts just like you!"

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4 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

she took the boy with her and he said all her ideas were stupid, so nothing was done...for the time being. of course I get the collateral tone because "He acts just like you!"

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Posted (edited)

Her:   men are nasty. Always getting tiny pee drops on the floor around the toilet when you piss. Yall should sit to pee like women

 

Me:  no thanks I’d rather it get on the floor than all over my ass and junk

 

Her: *silent thoughts*
 

Me: yes, all women have pee all over their butts unless they just hopped out of the shower

 

tone

Edited by GotThatFire

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38 minutes ago, GotThatFire said:

Her:   men are nasty. Always getting tiny pee drops on the floor around the toilet when you piss. Yall should sit to pee like women

 

Me:  no thanks I’d rather it get on the floor than all over my ass and junk

 

Her: *silent thoughts*
 

Me: yes, all women have pee all over their butts unless they just hopped out of the shower

 

tone

go on......

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2 hours ago, GotThatFire said:

Her:   men are nasty. Always getting tiny pee drops on the floor around the toilet when you piss. Yall should sit to pee like women

 

Me:  no thanks I’d rather it get on the floor than all over my ass and junk

 

Her: *silent thoughts*
 

Me: yes, all women have pee all over their butts unless they just hopped out of the shower

 

tone

I've seen films that start this way.  Thanks for translating the German dialogue for me.  

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On 6/1/2020 at 5:58 PM, deadshank said:

There's a place I will stop into on the way to deer lease and pick up some inexpensive jewelry bedazzlements, baubles and beads for my bride if I feel like I need to brighten her day when I get back to Houston.  Call it a bribe or paying my penance. It works. Sometimes.

So, back during deer season, I stop and pick up a necklace I think she might like to add to her bountiful collection.  When I get home, I stride in and proudly present it to her.  She doesn't like it and says "oh, I'd rather have a bracelet."  No good deed goes unpunished.

The next weekend I'm passing through again on way back to the deer lease and stop in to trade the necklace for a bracelet she saw on their web-site.  I get the bracelet, go shoot Bambi, get home and present the bracelet.  It doesn't fit; too big.

I take the bracelet that is too big back to trade it in the very next weekend on the way to shoot more Bambis and they don't have a smaller-sized bracelet because it is a one-size-fits-all proposition.  Store credit only.  No bracelet for baby doll.

End of story you think?  

Oh, no, my friend.

The next weekend I go back to kill even more Bambis and I get a text.  "Can you get the bracelet again? My mom wants one."  So I get the same danged bracelet again but I ship it to MIL in NC per instructions.

Two weeks later the bracelet comes in mail from MIL in NC to Houston....it doesn't fit, too big.

Now CV-19 hits and the little shop where I buy this junk is closed up tight as a tick.  I'm still going back to deer lease just to hang around and kill Jim Beam because deer season is over.  So, I'm stuck with the bracelet until the joint opens back up after Gov. Hotwheels gives the all clear.

Finally, Gov. Hotwheels signs off on the all skate order and the place opens back up so I can take the cotton picking bracelet back.

Just this past Friday I'm on the way to the deer lease to do some shredding, mowing and kill Evan Williams and I stop to return the dang MIL version of the bracelet for store credit.

Done?  

Nope.

I'm sitting in my office this morning and she calls and asks if I'm going back to deer lease again this weekend.  Of course, I am; I've got to kill George Dickel.   Now it seems her younger sister wants that bracelet and can I stop and pick it up for her.

Holy moley. Wow.

Of you’re keeping score at home, I stopped in today on way back to deer camp to get the blasted bracelet from hell for my youngest SIL.  I walked into the joint and the 2 women behind the counter and one woman in front of the counter looked at me then looked at each other then started giggling and nodding their heads.

One of the two broads behind the counter reaches onto the shelf behind her and pulls the confounded  bracelet of the shelf, already in a bag and hands it to me, saying “we knew you’d be back.”

FML

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My wife normally does the grocery curbside pickup, but as I had somewhere to go today I told her I'd do it. After I left the house I realized I didn't know if I needed some order confirmation number or something when I got there - so I called her.

 

Me: Hey, what's the procedure for doing the curbside pickup?

 

Her: When you get there, park where the signs are. It'll have a number on it. Text that to them and they'll bring it out.

 

Me: Okay. Text or email me whatever I need for when I get there. (She placed the order on her laptop.)

 

Her: The phone number is on the sign. Just text that number with the spot number.

 

Me: And they're going to say, "Great. Who are you?"

 

Her: No, they'll bring it to the car.

 

Me: How are they going to know who I am?

 

Her: Because of the number on the sign.

 

Me: So I'm going to say, "Hey, I'm in spot #12 and..."

 

Her: No, just say "#12".

 

Me: And that's going to tell them which order to bring out?

 

Her: Oh. (Silence) Okay. Now I get it. (Laughs)

 

Me: Yes?

 

Her: I was wondering, "Why can't he figure this out?"

 

Me: I was thinking something similar.

 

Her: Yes dear. I'll send it as soon as I get off the phone.

 

And she did.

 

 

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I’m currently getting a ration of shit for an event that’s in the future and for behavior I have yet to exhibit.

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56 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

I’m currently getting a ration of shit for an event that’s in the future and for behavior I have yet to exhibit.

She's right, though, isn't she?

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My wife broke one of those old glass thermometers. 

Her: they don't put mercury in thermometers anymore do they? there was this weird silver stuff that came out and rolled around and I couldn't get a grip on it to pick it up.

Me: uhhh

Her: so I just vacuumed it up

 

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You’re married to Futurewoman?

Aren’t we all?
While also being married to CantLetItGoLady.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

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My wife reposted some inane bullshit on FB & 2× she deleted my comment with 3 reasonable answers as to why it was fake.

The item was about how "the MSM won't show this to you - the Lincoln Memorial was totally defaced with vandalism & spray paint... this got deleted 3× today! Share it everywhere!".

So I reported her post to FB as fake news.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

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4 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

My wife reposted some inane bullshit on FB & 2× she deleted my comment with 3 reasonable answers as to why it was fake.

The item was about how "the MSM won't show this to you - the Lincoln Memorial was totally defaced with vandalism & spray paint... this got deleted 3× today! Share it everywhere!".

So I reported her post to FB as fake news.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

You weren’t getting laid anyway so good move?

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My wife and I were married right at 25 yrs when she passed away. In all that time I managed to get over on her a few times because of one situation that happened not long after we were married.

Now, my wife was probably the most intelligent and smart person I ever knew. How she ended up with me is still a mystery. But, I digress. We were discussing a topic that I knew I was without a doubt, beyond all reason, right about. She, of course, was telling me I was wrong.

We used to have coffee on Saturday with her mother who lived across the street. She said, "Momma, I want to ask you a question." Mom's "ok." She laid out the topic and even presented my side accurately. Then, the payoff. "Who's right?" Mom, "he is." Oh shit, it hit the fan big time. She thought her mother should take her side automatically. Her mother said right is right, and he's right.

Everytime after that I knew I was on solid ground all I had to do was say "let's go ask your mother".

Tone.

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14 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

My wife reposted some inane bullshit on FB & 2× she deleted my comment with 3 reasonable answers as to why it was fake.

The item was about how "the MSM won't show this to you - the Lincoln Memorial was totally defaced with vandalism & spray paint... this got deleted 3× today! Share it everywhere!".

So I reported her post to FB as fake news.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

This is fantastic, on both parts. 

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So last week the baby had a stomach bug and was shitting twice as much as usual, meaning twice as many dirty diapers in our trash. Tues night I put the garbage out for the usual Wed pickup (now understand our trash pickup usually hits in the afternoon). Wednesday morning my wife goes and gets the 10yo daughter from her grandparents at about 11am.. trash hasn't picked up yet, but my wife just assumes it has for no reason and when they get back, she instructs the girl to get the trashcan and roll it back into the garage. Never in the 2 years we've lived at his house has either of them ever touched the outside garbage bin. It's never their chore, always mine. Fine..... but for some reason this week is the week. 

Doesn't faze the daughter ONE BIT that the can is clearly still full while she rolls it back into the garage. 15 min later the trash guys come by. 

Now I have a full ass trashcan in the garage with double the usual amount of dirty diapers, and we're looking at 100+ for the next several days. 

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17 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

So last week the baby had a stomach bug and was shitting twice as much as usual, meaning twice as many dirty diapers in our trash. Tues night I put the garbage out for the usual Wed pickup (now understand our trash pickup usually hits in the afternoon). Wednesday morning my wife goes and gets the 10yo daughter from her grandparents at about 11am.. trash hasn't picked up yet, but my wife just assumes it has for no reason and when they get back, she instructs the girl to get the trashcan and roll it back into the garage. Never in the 2 years we've lived at his house has either of them ever touched the outside garbage bin. It's never their chore, always mine. Fine..... but for some reason this week is the week. 

Doesn't faze the daughter ONE BIT that the can is clearly still full while she rolls it back into the garage. 15 min later the trash guys come by. 

Now I have a full ass trashcan in the garage with double the usual amount of dirty diapers, and we're looking at 100+ for the next several days. 

Avatar checks out.

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On 6/4/2020 at 12:34 PM, hullabelew said:

We have been rolling as of late here at Casa de Hulla.  Wife is painting the bedroom.  I BEGGED her to just pay someone to it.  FUCK HGTV.

She asked me for help calculating much paint will be needed.   Her numbers weren't coming out in the online calculator.  

Her:  I have these measurements.   This stupid thing isn't working.  I input the numbers. The room is 12'5" by 18'31".
Me:  18 feet, 31 inches?  
Her:  Yes.
Me:  Why 31 inches?  Was the tape measure only 18 ft long?  
Her:  Yep.  How did you know? 

gotdamn metric system

On 6/4/2020 at 1:29 PM, Cheeseweasel said:

You: they sell water by the gallon for 99cents at Walmart

Her: 48 individual 4oz gourmet waters for $2.00 each.

ex would buy the 8 oz. mini's for the same price as the 16.9's.  I  asked why, she said "It fits on the fridge shelf, the regular ones are too tall."

Me:  You know that shelf is adjustable right

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9 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

So last week the baby had a stomach bug and was shitting twice as much as usual, meaning twice as many dirty diapers in our trash. Tues night I put the garbage out for the usual Wed pickup (now understand our trash pickup usually hits in the afternoon). Wednesday morning my wife goes and gets the 10yo daughter from her grandparents at about 11am.. trash hasn't picked up yet, but my wife just assumes it has for no reason and when they get back, she instructs the girl to get the trashcan and roll it back into the garage. Never in the 2 years we've lived at his house has either of them ever touched the outside garbage bin. It's never their chore, always mine. Fine..... but for some reason this week is the week. 

Doesn't faze the daughter ONE BIT that the can is clearly still full while she rolls it back into the garage. 15 min later the trash guys come by. 

Now I have a full ass trashcan in the garage with double the usual amount of dirty diapers, and we're looking at 100+ for the next several days. 

Ten year old and a baby? Condom break?

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11 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

So last week the baby had a stomach bug and was shitting twice as much as usual, meaning twice as many dirty diapers in our trash. Tues night I put the garbage out for the usual Wed pickup (now understand our trash pickup usually hits in the afternoon). Wednesday morning my wife goes and gets the 10yo daughter from her grandparents at about 11am.. trash hasn't picked up yet, but my wife just assumes it has for no reason and when they get back, she instructs the girl to get the trashcan and roll it back into the garage. Never in the 2 years we've lived at his house has either of them ever touched the outside garbage bin. It's never their chore, always mine. Fine..... but for some reason this week is the week. 

Doesn't faze the daughter ONE BIT that the can is clearly still full while she rolls it back into the garage. 15 min later the trash guys come by. 

Now I have a full ass trashcan in the garage with double the usual amount of dirty diapers, and we're looking at 100+ for the next several days. 

Just pretend you’re in New Orleans.

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12 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Now I have a full ass trashcan in the garage with double the usual amount of dirty diapers, and we're looking at 100+ for the next several days. 

 

Oh shit.

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1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

Just pretend you’re in New Orleans.

Good morning, North Loop how are ya?

Don't you know my trashcan's full,

It's full of diapers and smells just like New Orleans,

It'll be a hundred degrees with the risin sun

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In the last three days, my wife has successfully broken down a cardboard box before putting it in the outside recycling bin and she remembered to turn off the living room fan when she went to bed. What the hell is happening? The only explanation is that aliens kidnapped my actual wife and replaced her with some sort of replica. The replica was good enough to fool me until I saw her flip the fan switch off. That's when I had my Kaiser Soze moment.

Shocked The Usual Suspects GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

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5 hours ago, ztejas said:

Good morning, North Loop how are ya?

Don't you know my trashcan's full,

It's full of diapers and smells just like New Orleans,

It'll be a hundred degrees with the risin sun

 

 

 

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9 hours ago, HenryJames said:

Ten year old and a baby? Condom break?

 My nephew and his soon to be sibling will be 14 years apart 

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9 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

In the last three days, my wife has successfully broken down a cardboard box before putting it in the outside recycling bin and she remembered to turn off the living room fan when she went to bed. What the hell is happening? The only explanation is that aliens kidnapped my actual wife and replaced her with some sort of replica. The replica was good enough to fool me until I saw her flip the fan switch off. That's when I had my Kaiser Soze moment.

Shocked The Usual Suspects GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Go for the clincher: Ask her/it for a blowjob.

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 My nephew and his soon to be sibling will be 14 years apart 

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

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58 minutes ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

giphy.gif

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1 hour ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

Pics of step MIL?

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I have a 51 year old cousin who remarried after his first wife passed away. They had one kid who just graduated high school this year. His now wife has an 11 year old daughter and is now expecting twins. He will be 70 when they graduate HS.

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1 hour ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

I’ve seen that movie before I believe. Even though she’s younger than you she wants to spank you for being a very bad boy- bc she’s your mommy now.

You should definitely let her give you a bath. 

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2 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

Your FIL sounds wealthy 

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2 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

It's some kind of bizzaro world where your older kids can buy beer for their uncle before he turns 21.  Talk about being the cool nephew/niece.

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