Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[CycleTex87 2,952]

19 hours ago, Incredulity said:

how hot and wet does she like it?

+1 for Renee Russo Priscilla Presley

Edited October 22, 2019 by CycleTex87
Hot older lady's rock

[Catpfish 618]

1 hour ago, CycleTex87 said:

+1 for Renee Russo

Probably missing the joke somewhere, but isn't that Priscilla Presley from the Naked Gun series

[crimsonlonghorn 2,306]

You're both wrong, that's Diane Lane boiling Hanibal Lector's brain from the Shining. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,780]

I'm pretty sure it's South Austin's mom

[Pato del Muerto 52,233]

It’s Owen Wilson 

[deadshank 24,648]

2 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I'm pretty sure it's South Austin's mom

Would need to see the top of her head. 

[52-80 19,047]

My wife has terrible writing skills, and it kills me everytime she asks for help.
 

1.  She'll ask for advice from me, and then immediately fight me on every response I give. 

2.  She'll insist on finding the perfect phrasing to express something that is itself already sufficient.  ("How do I write that 'I'm working on this project and will finish it tomorrow'?"  Uh....exactly as you just said)

3.  Her formal writing is full of passive, wishy-washy nonsense, and she takes it as a personal slight when I point it out.  "I wish....do you think maybe....perhaps it's possible that.... I hope...."

She blames it on English not being her native language, but it's just terrible organization of thoughts.

Of course, Women and Logic go together like bacon and vegans.

[miguelito 11,168]

^ My wife is a native English speaker, and one time she asked me to proofread something of hers for "grammical errors."

[lateshow 1,303]

22 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Good news. She's already home and has cooked it in the oven for 2 hrs on 350. Pick up some Ketchup!

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,780]

1 hour ago, 52-80 said:

Of course, Women and Logic go together like bacon and vegans.

I like bacon and don't mind doing vegans

1 hour ago, miguelito said:

^ My wife is a native English speaker, and one time she asked me to proofread something of hers for "grammical errors."

I think she was asking if there were any comical grammatical errors

[El Diablo 4,232]

1 hour ago, miguelito said:

^ My wife is a native English speaker, and one time she asked me to proofread something of hers for "grammical errors."

Those are the kinds of errors that grammaw makes. Abuela out front etc...

[mulletpelini 5,209]

that fucking rotating glass plate in the microwave.  

I've used a microwave for proabably 40 years.  I cannot remember one fucking time that I used it, having an issue with the plate moving off the tractor that rotates it. 

Somehow though, she figures out how to dislodge it around 50% of the time, which wouldn't be an issue if she took the 3.5 seconds required to reseat it.

 

[DaysOff 7,785]

^ My wife is a native English speaker, and one time she asked me to proofread something of hers for "grammical errors."

Asked me to proof an email today that had superfluous commas everywhere except where needed to prevent run on sentences.

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

1 hour ago, DaysOff said:

7 hours ago, miguelito said:

^ My wife is a native English speaker, and one time she asked me to proofread something of hers for "grammical errors."

Asked me to proof an email today that had superfluous commas everywhere, except where needed to prevent run on sentences.

Fify

[markstanco 12,464]

Wife at 9:40: oh my god I am so tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open
 
wife at 10:20: *laying in bed on phone*

Stop groping at 940.

[markstanco 12,464]

that fucking rotating glass plate in the microwave.  
I've used a microwave for proabably 40 years.  I cannot remember one fucking time that I used it, having an issue with the plate moving off the tractor that rotates it. 
Somehow though, she figures out how to dislodge it around 50% of the time, which wouldn't be an issue if she took the 3.5 seconds required to reseat it.
 

That is a toughie.

My ocd wife washes the glass plate twice a week and I've never seen it not turn.

[Armybrat 40,648]

9 hours ago, DaysOff said:

15 hours ago, miguelito said:

^ My wife is a native English speaker, and one time she asked me to proofread something of hers for "grammical errors."

Asked me to proof an email today that had superfluous commas everywhere except where needed to prevent run on sentences.

I didn’t go to Oxford either.

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,965]

17 hours ago, 52-80 said:

My wife has terrible writing skills, and it kills me everytime she asks for help.
 

1.  She'll ask for advice from me, and then immediately fight me on every response I give. 

2.  She'll insist on finding the perfect phrasing to express something that is itself already sufficient.  ("How do I write that 'I'm working on this project and will finish it tomorrow'?"  Uh....exactly as you just said)

3.  Her formal writing is full of passive, wishy-washy nonsense, and she takes it as a personal slight when I point it out.  "I wish....do you think maybe....perhaps it's possible that.... I hope...."

She blames it on English not being her native language, but it's just terrible organization of thoughts.

Of course, Women and Logic go together like bacon and vegans.

My wife's parents moved back to mexico for a few years when she was younger to take care of her grandfather, so when they moved back around kindergarten age she had to relearn English. She's constantly saying the wrong thing, and it's frequently ambiguous. She gets pissed at me most of the time if I correct her or ask for clarification, so I've learned to just keep my mouth shut and guess. Then she gets mad at me for doing the wrong thing...

[Kennythetiger 9,325]

I don’t think Mexico has anything to do with that. 
No one in my house has ever been to Mexico. 

[SilasCoade 2,620]

2 hours ago, Armybrat said:

I didn’t go to Oxford either.

Because it hadn't been founded yet?

[Armybrat 40,648]

6 minutes ago, Llogg said:

Because it hadn't been founded yet?

No, wrong type of football.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,780]

I like their shoes though

[VolenteHawk 495]

My wife is really smart, but she let slip with a doozie this morning...she was writing a note for my son that missed school yesterday, and I'm dicking around on my phone.

Wife: "What is today's date?"

Me: "23rd"

Wife: "So yesterday was the 22nd?"

Me:

[WhatTheBuck 28,696]

34 minutes ago, VolenteHawk said:

My wife is really smart, but she let slip with a doozie this morning...she was writing a note for my son that missed school yesterday, and I'm dicking around on my phone.

Wife: "What is today's date?"

Me: "23rd"

Wife: "So yesterday was the 22nd?"

Me:

She was just talking out loud. 

[Dennis Taylor 18,644]

2 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

. She gets pissed at me most of the time if I correct her or ask for clarification, so I've learned to just keep my mouth shut and guess. Then she gets mad at me for doing the wrong thing...

in other words, she's a woman...

[TrashMaster G 17,334]

3 hours ago, VolenteHawk said:

My wife is really smart, but she let slip with a doozie this morning...she was writing a note for my son that missed school yesterday, and I'm dicking around on my phone.

Wife: "What is today's date?"

Me: "23rd"

Wife: "So yesterday was the 22nd?"

Me:

No, yesterday was the 17th.  October is a crazy month.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,780]

It's a leap month

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

3 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

It's a leap month

"Because we set the clocks ahead this month" (my wife)

[mulletpelini 5,209]

16 hours ago, markstanco said:

That is a toughie.

My ocd wife washes the glass plate twice a week and I've never seen it not turn.

Well then you're ahead of the game because there's been plenty of quick ready meals that were prepared in the mic that spilled/boiled over/exploded that were flavored into who knows how many subsequent uses as well that I didn't even bother complaining about.

[G650 13,847]

And y'all think I'm crazy for not having a microwave 

[crimsonlonghorn 2,306]

Mrs CL and I were driving tonight with the classic country station on the radio. "Roll On" by Alabama came on. 

"This song is how we got Baby Shark."

I didn't even bother asking how or why. I just rolled my eyes and changed the channel. 

[Nivek 16,771]

And y'all think I'm crazy for not having a microwave 

That is not why we think your are crazy. I also don’t have one and haven’t for more than a decade.

[Classic Rock 258]

Me: "So we are set, England and Scotland in the Summer of 2021?"

Mrs: "Yes, that should give me enough time to learn to speak British"

Me: "What?"

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,721]

Solid entry

[Kennythetiger 9,325]

Is “Chuck it in me dumper” British or Australian? You might be headed somewhere great. 

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3,867]

Came home after being gone a couple of weeks and the wife complained the wireless internet on the far side of the house from the router is no longer working.  Go to check the status of the signal extender and yep she moved it into the dead zone that it was covering because she didn't like looking at it where it was.

[Upgrayedd 5,798]

15 minutes ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

Came home after being gone a couple of weeks and the wife complained the wireless internet on the far side of the house from the router is no longer working.  Go to check the status of the signal extender and yep she moved it into the dead zone that it was covering because she didn't like looking at it where it was.

Well how is going to cover the dead zone if it’s not in the dead zone Mr. Smartie?

[drifter379 1,106]

Right.  And then I'd be waiting for her to say that she's going to toss all the half pills.  Expecting it, really.

Well you cut the pill in to two pieces. Then you give the dog one and throw the other one away. If you put it back in the bottle and give the second piece to the dog tomorrow then you have just given the dog a whole pill. And the vet said to only give the dog half of the pill.
Come on guys this isn’t rocket appliances.

[Pato del Muerto 52,233]

Just returned from 2 weeks abroad. Maybe one year I’ll take the time to write out all then head scratching things that she did and said. 

But on the fun side, knowing her internal monologue every time we walked the kids past a sex shop in Zurich or Frankfurt will always be good for a laugh. 

[PilotsError 2,277]

We want to laugh too so why don't you fucking tell us.

[G650 13,847]

15 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Mrs CL and I were driving tonight with the classic country station on the radio. "Roll On" by Alabama came on. 

"This song is how we got Baby Shark."

I didn't even bother asking how or why. I just rolled my eyes and changed the channel. 

You missed a golden opportunity. 

13 hours ago, Nivek said:

That is not why we think your are crazy. I also don’t have one and haven’t for more than a decade.
 

You're not wrong. 

[mulletpelini 5,209]

10 hours ago, Classic Rock said:

Me: "So we are set, England and Scotland in the Summer of 2021?"

Mrs: "Yes, that should give me enough time to learn to speak British"

Me: "What?"

Tell her if she learns Canadian first, it will help the transition

[hundredTT 576]

Significant other calls me at lunch with a list to get at HEB, as we will have company coming over, unexpectedly.  Already, I knew this wasn’t going to end well. I know she’s had a long week, so tell her I can just order takeout with the exact same dish she’s making, so she’s not scrabbling and stressing over cooking. I get the “I’m tired of eating out and unhealthy” text when I recommend this, which we don’t eat out much , and her meal is not a healthy one. I come home with everything she wants and helped dice things, stir things, and eventually sit down because I worked all day and want to watch the World Series. She starts complaining how I don’t help out, and is stressing out over cooking, and has that ‘overwhelmed’ tone like I’m the bad guy, when I knew this shit would happen. Women like to make things so complicated because I honestly believe they are just dumb, lack common sense, and love to bitch. 

Edited October 26, 2019 by hundredTT

[tbone_ 14,016]

You aren’t married?

[Dennis Taylor 18,644]

22 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

You aren’t married?

Did you not read his post? He's married alright

[Incredulity 11,440]

4 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Did you not read his post? He's married alright

Read it again.

He can still escape.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,795]

what was the dish?

[NorthLoop 14,053]

15 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

what was the dish?

Based on the post, I'm going with stir fry, probably in a wok. 

[mulletpelini 5,209]

[ABSR 5,286]

13 hours ago, tbone_ said:

You aren’t married?

For us to know he needs to update it by letting us know if there were any kind of sexual relations later that night or if he tried to get her interested and she told him how insensitive he was and that she was exhausted and worked so hard on dinner and was so tired she might die....and then messed around on Facebook and Pinterest until 2AM.