Jump to content

Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

Recommended Posts

I love it when my wife tells me she doesn't need to look somewhere because she'd "never put it there". Finally - to prove me wrong - she looks in her other bag / trunk / jacket / etc and finds it.

Then she says, "Oh, that's right! I put it there because..."

But I don't stick around to find out.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I learned to check the garbage can first when my ex lost her car keys. She always had a DR Pepper in her hand and when she got home about half the time she would drop her keys in when she threw away her can

That is awesome and I can see it like I'm there

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, LABEVO said:

We give our dog meds daily for allergies. The dog needs half a pill. 

Her: make sure you break the pills in half 

Me: I do, everyday

her: what?! You have to break all the pills in half 

me: I do. Everyday when I get a pill and then break in half if not already

her: but what do you do with the other half?

me: put it back in the bottle

her: then you will lose it. Why would you do that? You have to break all the pills at once so you don’t lose them 

me: w t f

her: you won’t be able to find the other half of the pill if you put it in he bottle

me: w t f

her: I will just do it so you don’t mess it up 

me, walks away 

Oh, you poor, poor man.  You either married my insane ex sister-in-law, or her doppelganger.  She would do all kinds of crazy shit like that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Modessit said:

Then she says, "Oh, that's right! I put it there because..."

a. I accelerate towards red lights

b. I listen to complete strangers opinions and accept them as law

c. I'm much too busy to lift the garbage into the can, but I'll leave it right next to it

d. all of the above

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 hours ago, LABEVO said:

We give our dog meds daily for allergies. The dog needs half a pill. 

Her: make sure you break the pills in half 

Me: I do, everyday

her: what?! You have to break all the pills in half 

me: I do. Everyday when I get a pill and then break in half if not already

her: but what do you do with the other half?

me: put it back in the bottle

her: then you will lose it. Why would you do that? You have to break all the pills at once so you don’t lose them 

me: w t f

her: you won’t be able to find the other half of the pill if you put it in he bottle

me: w t f

her: I will just do it so you don’t mess it up 

me, walks away 

Even given that it's a woman, I would hang around for the rest of that conversation.  I think there would be real entertainment value in her "logic" for why a half pill would be lost in the bottle.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Even given that it's a woman, I would hang around for the rest of that conversation.  I think there would be real entertainment value in her "logic" for why a half pill would be lost in the bottle.

Well, you see, the half pill will get lost in a bottle of whole pills. So instead of giving the dog the leftover half of yesterday's pill, you wind up breaking another whole pill in half. That remaining half will also get lost in the bottle of whole pills. Obviously the only solution is to break all the pills in half so you have a bottle full of half pills. That way none of the half pills will be lost and you won't waste half the bottle. Duh. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This one’s too good and layered not to tell, even though it’s not my wife. 

The setting:  our family all go to the same hair stylist  because she used to be our neighbor, helping a small business, yada yada. 

So waiting as my sons get their cuts, and in the other chair is a woman talking with her stylist about looking for a place to travel for her anniversary.  So I know she’s married.

The line:  I wanted to go to Hawaii,  but passports cost too much. 

The good news is that Hawaii is now back on the list!

  • Like 4
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

40 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

This one’s too good and layered not to tell, even though it’s not my wife. 

The setting:  our family all go to the same hair stylist  because she used to be our neighbor, helping a small business, yada yada. 

So waiting as my sons get their cuts, and in the other chair is a woman talking with her stylist about looking for a place to travel for her anniversary.  So I know she’s married.

The line:  I wanted to go to Hawaii,  but passports cost too much. 

The good news is that Hawaii is now back on the list!

It costs $110 to get a passport. 

That's the impediment to a trip to Hawaii?  Not the plane ticket?  Or the average $250/night hotel?  Or the fact that a basic dinner out for two in a neighborhood pub is an eye-watering $62, or that it is the most expensive place in the world to buy four rolls of toilet paper ($6)?

OK, yeah, it's the passport.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, nnm said:

It costs $110 to get a passport. 

That's the impediment to a trip to Hawaii?  Not the plane ticket?  Or the average $250/night hotel?  Or the fact that a basic dinner out for two in a neighborhood pub is an eye-watering $62, or that it is the most expensive place in the world to buy four rolls of toilet paper ($6)?

OK, yeah, it's the passport.  

5042198485_5cf4a261f4_b.jpg

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Well, you see, the half pill will get lost in a bottle of whole pills. So instead of giving the dog the leftover half of yesterday's pill, you wind up breaking another whole pill in half. That remaining half will also get lost in the bottle of whole pills. Obviously the only solution is to break all the pills in half so you have a bottle full of half pills. That way none of the half pills will be lost and you won't waste half the bottle. Duh. 

I think the real question is that if she happened to shake out a half pill, would she put it back in the bottle and fish out a whole one to split?

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

This one’s too good and layered not to tell, even though it’s not my wife. 

The setting:  our family all go to the same hair stylist  because she used to be our neighbor, helping a small business, yada yada. 

So waiting as my sons get their cuts, and in the other chair is a woman talking with her stylist about looking for a place to travel for her anniversary.  So I know she’s married.

The line:  I wanted to go to Hawaii,  but passports cost too much. 

The good news is that Hawaii is now back on the list!

was she hot?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, nnm said:

It costs $110 to get a passport. 

That's the impediment to a trip to Hawaii?  Not the plane ticket?  Or the average $250/night hotel?  Or the fact that a basic dinner out for two in a neighborhood pub is an eye-watering $62, or that it is the most expensive place in the world to buy four rolls of toilet paper ($6)?

OK, yeah, it's the passport.  

They were going to save money by going AirBnB and driving.

Dumbass.

 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

Even given that it's a woman, I would hang around for the rest of that conversation.  I think there would be real entertainment value in her "logic" for why a half pill would be lost in the bottle.

If you don't give the dog successive halves from the same pill the dog will die and the terrorists will win. How do you know that today's half matches yesterday's if the bottle is full of nothing but halves? Your wife outsmarted you on that one, genius. 

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

If you don't give the dog successive halves from the same pill the dog will die and the terrorists will win. How do you know that today's half matches yesterday's if the bottle is full of nothing but halves? Your wife outsmarted you on that one, genius. 

Somewhere there is a pharmaceutical company pondering selling half-pills for twice the price knowing that wives exist.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

If you don't give the dog successive halves from the same pill the dog will die and the terrorists will win. How do you know that today's half matches yesterday's if the bottle is full of nothing but halves? Your wife outsmarted you on that one, genius. 

Once you break the pill, you trigger a 24 hour expiration for both halves. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Game 5 of the playoffs, was watching all night. Gets to the bottom of the 9th, tie game, 2 out...

Wife was otherwise sitting quietly near me, reading. Then pops up out of nowhere with, "We need to make sure our credit card is giving us the most bang for the buck." 

Me: "Can we talk about this later? Maybe tomorrow?

Her: "I was just talking out loud."

In retrospect, I guess I should've taken that as a sign to shut off the fucking tv and stop watching baseball forever. 

Edited by Chopper
  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Chopper said:

Her: "I was just talking out loud."

My wife uses this phrase all the time and it drives me nuts. 
 

Her: “Unintelligible mumbling.”

Me: “What was that, were you talking to me?” (We’re the only two in the house)

Her: “Oh nothing, I was just talking out loud.”

Me: 

Me in my head: “No shit. That’s what talking is. If you said it out loud it was meant for someone to hear it. If you said it in your head, that’s called thinking.”

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, Chopper said:

Game 5 of the playoffs, was watching all night. Gets to the bottom of the 9th, tie game, 2 out...

Wife was otherwise sitting quietly near me, reading. Then pops up out of nowhere with, "We need to make sure our credit card is giving us the most bang for the buck." 

Me: "Can we talk about this later? Maybe tomorrow?

Her: "I was just talking out loud."

In retrospect, I guess I should've taken that as a sign to shut off the fucking tv and stop watching baseball forever. 

You: I'd wish you'd suck my dick and let me go pooper tonight.

Her: Did you say something?

You: I was just talking out loud. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.



×
×
  • Create New...