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Official 2022 Bitch about Family - Holiday Insanity


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3 minutes ago, pearlandhorn said:

Wife and I decided to travel tomorrow instead of today.  Making sure everything is squared away with our house (pipes froze last night) before we take off.  It's supposed to get above freezing today for a few hours.  We'll leave first thing in the AM.  Let the shit show commence. 

All is well up here in ETX. 9 degrees outside Tyler this morning. I’ll be monitoring the police scanner for your family activities. 

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2 hours ago, nnm said:

All is well up here in ETX. 9 degrees outside Tyler this morning. I’ll be monitoring the police scanner for your family activities. 

Yep.  It's a beautiful day here, but it's cold as shit outside.  Got a few fat flurries yesterday when the temp started dropping but dry as a bone after that.  Safe travels.  Stay off the news.

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Just about to Denton, where tonight I'll have this conversation:

MIL: Whot bowwwwwlll is this?

Me: It's Wake Forest and Missouri.

MIL: Yes, but what bowl is it?

Me: It's Wake Forest and Missouri. They're playing in Tampa.

MIL: Yes, but what bowl is it?

Me: Are you seriously asking me who the main advertising sponsor of this game is?

MIL: What bowwwwwlll is this?

Me: Why do you care who paid to advertise this game?

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Things are heating up...

cigarette smoke on your fucking clothes.  Stinking up my couch and whatnot.

married in, non-forking family tree motherfuckers talking about pregnancy and breast-feeding in front of evryone.

watching "Spirited" on TV with sound on full fucking blast.

My dogs are scared and I'm on my 4th beer.

In-laws at my gotdam house today.  about 4 of em are actually wanted here.  Neice brought her non-English speaking boyfriend.  He's cool as hell and I'd much rather speak broken Spanish with him.  He accepted beer peace offering.

Update later if anything fun breaks out.  No guns or arguments yet...

Edited by slorch
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Niece and nephew (both early 20s) coming by for brunch tomorrow. Mrs GOTJ has been prepping by baking treats and roasting jalapeños, poblanos and anaheim peppers for the migas casserole she's gonna throw in the crock pot tomorrow.

I've done HEB curbside, Sprouts, Randalls, and Walgreens for the last minute shit. Plus some healthy day drinking and giving a well-deserved end of year tip to the manager of our local pub. Currently have a fat cat purring on my lap and an Austin Beerwork's Black Thunder at my side.

Peace and love to all. Stay safe and sane. And document the shit show for our entertainment.

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41 minutes ago, slorch said:

Things are heating up...

cigarette smoke on your fucking clothes.  Stinking up my couch and whatnot.

married in, non-forking family tree motherfuckers talking about pregnancy and breast-feeding in front of evryone.

watching "Spirited" on TV with sound on full fucking blast.

My dogs are scared and I'm on my 4th beer.

In-laws at my gotdam house today.  about 4 of em are actually wanted here.  Neice brought her non-English speaking boyfriend.  He's cool as hell and I'd much rather speak broken Spanish with him.  He accepted beer peace offering.

Update later if anything fun breaks out.  No guns or arguments yet...

Didn't know what to think of him till he sang Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad.

 

 

 

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Niece and nephew (both early 20s) coming by for brunch tomorrow. Mrs GOTJ has been prepping by baking treats and roasting jalapeños, poblanos and anaheim peppers for the migas casserole she's gonna throw in the crock pot tomorrow.
I've done HEB curbside, Sprouts, Randalls, and Walgreens for the last minute shit. Plus some healthy day drinking and giving a well-deserved end of year tip to the manager of our local pub. Currently have a fat cat purring on my lap and an Austin Beerwork's Black Thunder at my side.
Peace and love to all. Stay safe and sane. And document the shit show for our entertainment.

I need to hear more about this crock pot migas casserole.
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sorry to hear that man.  I woke up early today and was thinking about family, those I'll see today, those I haven't seen in awhile, and those I'll never see again.  What you're feeling is totally normal and nothing we say can assuage your feelings.  But you're where you are safely, with your children, and your grandfather, and it's Christmas Eve.  That's more than most people get.  if it's open to visitors today, go see him again and tell him about a Christmas memory you have of him from way, way long ago.  And then repeat the same story to your two little ones.  Embellish it a little even, no harm.  What I wouldn't give to say 'Merry Christmas' one more time to some bygone blood.  Best to you and yours.  

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I love my mother's side of the family, but I also hate how most of them lack planning skills. Honestly, it's infuriating. Got a text from my mother this morning that read something like this:

Her: "Good Morning and Merry Christmas Eve! We're meeting up for dinner at 5:30 then going to church."

 Me: "alright sounds good. I'll meet y'all at 5."

Her: *assuming I have to do everything or it won't get done "Did you buy any wine for tomorrow?"

Me: "No that was stepbrother's errand."

Her: "Okay I'll text him to remind him. I hope he didn't forget."

Me: "Oh he most definitely forgot or doesn't give a crap." *He's the one hosting Christmas Day at his place btw. He assumes that everyone else will do everything for him like buying wine and cooking while he doesn't have to do anything(including cleaning his place). 

I also hate when he hosts. His lack of hosting skills annoy me. I honestly don't understand why one of my sisters doesn't host when she has been talking about doing it for years now.... I even volunteered my place, but unfortunately it's too small and I have cats. A handful of my family are allergic. Yesterday I text my stepbrother about Sunday. It went like this:

Me: What time do you want me to come over for Christmas?

Him: I'm down whenever. Nobody has told me when it's starting though. Dad or *oldest sister* probably know. 

Me: Boy you're the host and it's your house. You should know and have a set time. I'll come over early.

Him: Let me ask oldest sister..... *texts me back a few minutes later* She says 10:30, so come around 10.

Me: Her husband and I are coming at 9 because there's a few things he wants to set up before everyone else comes and I'm helping him. Plus, guy time.

Him: I won't be up that early and ready by then. 

Me: You won't be up at 9am?

Him: I won't be ready at 9. I'll get up at 9:30-10. 

Me: You're the host, you should be up at 8 or 8:30 making sure everything is ready to go. That's how it used to be when I hosted at my old place. 

Thank the fuck Christ my mother has everything pre-done and ready to go food wise. Stepbrother then proceeds to text me a long paragraph on how he still hasn't cleaned his place and hasn't prepared his side dish. Can't wait to see the shit show of his place tomorrow if he's been procrastinating until the last minute like every year. I'll be bringing a bottle of Crown to share with the BILs to get through this shit show. I informed my oldest BIL about the above chat. He responded with, "I got the spare key so we goin over there and waking his ass up!" LOL

Apparently I also get to meet stepbrother's new GF. Hopefully this one is better than the last one he had. Rant over. 

 

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9 minutes ago, Longboard Horn said:

I love my mother's side of the family, but I also hate how most of them lack planning skills. Honestly, it's infuriating. Got a text from my mother this morning that read something like this:

Her: "Good Morning and Merry Christmas Eve! We're meeting up for dinner at 5:30 then going to church."

 Me: "alright sounds good. I'll meet y'all at 5."

Thank the fuck Christ my mother has everything pre-done and ready to go food wise. Stepbrother then proceeds to text me a long paragraph on how he still hasn't cleaned his place and hasn't prepared his side dish. Can't wait to see the shit show of his place tomorrow if he's been procrastinating until the last minute like every year. I'll be bringing a bottle of Crown to share with the BILs to get through this shit show. I informed my oldest BIL about the above chat. He responded with, "I got the spare key so we goin over there and waking his ass up!" LOL

Apparently I also get to meet stepbrother's new GF. Hopefully this one is better than the last one he had. Rant over. 

 

I'd be sure to pack in a couple of bottles of wine in my car, just in case.  There are elements of a family Christmas dinner that can't just be left to chance.

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5 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

Over breakfast this morning, my wife started getting philosophical about Christmas. She bemoaned the over commercialization of the season and all the emphasis on gifts. I then reminded her that she the one who stresses over gifts and that getting gift ideas from our kids is like pulling teeth. She's the one that starts on them about getting her a list. She makes sure that every child gets the exact same number of presents and we spend the EXACT same amount for each of them. Our kids are in their 30's. They're all employed and living on their own. If they want something they buy it.

When I pointed all this out to her, she said "So you're saying it's me?" Yes dear, it's you.

Someone's sleeping on the couch tonight. You and Santa can split the milk and cookies. 

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10 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

Over breakfast this morning, my wife started getting philosophical about Christmas. She bemoaned the over commercialization of the season and all the emphasis on gifts. I then reminded her that she the one who stresses over gifts and that getting gift ideas from our kids is like pulling teeth. She's the one that starts on them about getting her a list. She makes sure that every child gets the exact same number of presents and we spend the EXACT same amount for each of them. Our kids are in their 30's. They're all employed and living on their own. If they want something they buy it.

When I pointed all this out to her, she said "So you're saying it's me?" Yes dear, it's you.

My siblings and I were in our 30s when we voted no more Christmas presents for adults- buy shit for the little kids if you want. My mom took it really hard, and then this year made the comment, “I sure am glad I decided that gifts for adults should stop. Sure makes things a lot easier.”  
We just nodded our heads and agreed with her. 

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Just about to Denton, where tonight I'll have this conversation:
MIL: Whot bowwwwwlll is this?
Me: It's Wake Forest and Missouri.
MIL: Yes, but what bowl is it?
Me: It's Wake Forest and Missouri. They're playing in Tampa.
MIL: Yes, but what bowl is it?
Me: Are you seriously asking me who the main advertising sponsor of this game is?
MIL: What bowwwwwlll is this?
Me: Why do you care who paid to advertise this game?

Fleshlight Bowl.

She’ll never ask again but if she does…

giphy.gif
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18 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Just about to Denton, where tonight I'll have this conversation:

MIL: Whot bowwwwwlll is this?

Me: It's Wake Forest and Missouri.

MIL: Yes, but what bowl is it?

Me: It's Wake Forest and Missouri. They're playing in Tampa.

MIL: Yes, but what bowl is it?

Me: Are you seriously asking me who the main advertising sponsor of this game is?

MIL: What bowwwwwlll is this?

Me: Why do you care who paid to advertise this game?

Here's what actually happened:

With one minute left in the game, she walked by and stopped about a foot from the TV and asked, "Who's playin'?"

I didn't even answer her because at the time, the screen was showing the big score strip that said "Wake Forest 27 Missouri 17."  

She stopped for a second and stared at it, then said, "Oh, Missour-ah's losing.  I don't like that!" and continued walking to the kitchen.  I shook my head and resisted the urge to ask her who Missouri's head coach is.

Edited by Beau Vine
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10 minutes ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

I told her a few minutes ago to relax and why not throw some Bailey's in her coffee? Got the look followed by "you're not helping" by apparently being happy and relaxed. Welp, it was a fun dream while it lasted.

Perhaps equally helpful could be throwing some bailey's in your coffee. 

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12 minutes ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

OK some evil elf just flipped the "go ballistic over insignificant shit for no reason" switch on Mrs GOTJ in the 45 minutes it took her to shower & get ready. Even though this is going to be a super chill xmas eve with her 23 y.o. niece (no pics) and 20 y.o nephew who are just happy to get a break from visiting their overbearing mom for a few hours (dad's in FL and is pretty non-existent in their lives), she's all of a sudden worried that things aren't "right." In the past 15 minutes I've been instructed to:

 

  • rearrange the pillows and throws on the sofa 3 times. None of my attempts were to her liking so she finally took over and moved them an imperceptible amount.
  • put their gifts in gift bags. What were the odds that out of the 3 dozen gift bags she keeps I picked the exact two that were not just wrong but threatened to ruin their xmas? She's putting them in the proper bags as I type this.
  • been sniped at for wearing a polo shirt. "How can you be wearing a short sleeve shirt? It's freezing outside!" "Well, we're inside a warm house with a lovely fire going and you know, I grew up in Minnesota and always run warmer so...I'm comfortable?" Tone. Definitely tone.
  • I cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms yesterday, dusted and vacuumed, emptied the dishwasher this morning but SOMETHING is not right & she's mortified that two twenty somethings who are just looking forward to a laid back time with mimosas, good food and shooting the shit with their cool funcle are suddenly going to be evaluating the house like Martha Stewart in search of a speck of dust.

I told her a few minutes ago to relax and why not throw some Bailey's in her coffee? Got the look followed by "you're not helping" by apparently being happy and relaxed. Welp, it was a fun dream while it lasted.

She's going to hate fuck you tonight.

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3 minutes ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

Oh shit. It's worse than I thought. After finishing with the gift bags she came and found me in the upstairs office.

"Are you avoiding me?"

"No, just trying to stay out of your way but if I can do anything to help just let me know."

"So you think I think you're in my way and now you're going to leave everything up to me?"

"Any answer I give is going to be wrong, isn't it?"

She just stomped down the stairs. Might as well start in with the bourbon.

Times like this I'm glad I'm not married. 

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17 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

My siblings and I were in our 30s when we voted no more Christmas presents for adults- buy shit for the little kids if you want. My mom took it really hard, and then this year made the comment, “I sure am glad I decided that gifts for adults should stop. Sure makes things a lot easier.”  
We just nodded our heads and agreed with her. 

We do the gift exchange for adults. 3 steals and it's frozen. I still get stuff for the little kids. There's a risk of shitty gift like the battery pack that hates my phone, but it's cool. I'll see if it works for someone else and pass it on. I got my dad a bottle of Armangac he wouldn't have paid for and he gave me a bottle of bourbon. No booze in the exchange because churchy people.

The ham was not supposed to be blackened since there was no smoke involved. Hauled ass back to Denton before the wrapping debris was picked up. 

Good night and Merry Christmas! I'm outta here! 

The bad cat was so glad to see me he waited a whole hour to bite me.

 

 

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45 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

My siblings and I were in our 30s when we voted no more Christmas presents for adults- buy shit for the little kids if you want. My mom took it really hard, and then this year made the comment, “I sure am glad I decided that gifts for adults should stop. Sure makes things a lot easier.”  
We just nodded our heads and agreed with her. 

I mean technically she did allow it to stop. If your mom is like most moms if she wanted presents to be exchanged still she would have guilted all of you into continuing.

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@GhostOfTomJoad is me right now. I truly do not like hosting and I especially do not like hosting when I have to clean up the house around two toddlers and my super pregnant wife who is scheduled to be induced on Wednesday. 
 

I’m going with the keep my mouth shut approach so the marriage makes it through the baby being born. 

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2 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

I love my mother's side of the family, but I also hate how most of them lack planning skills. Honestly, it's infuriating. Got a text from my mother this morning that read something like this:

Her: "Good Morning and Merry Christmas Eve! We're meeting up for dinner at 5:30 then going to church."

 Me: "alright sounds good. I'll meet y'all at 5."

Her: *assuming I have to do everything or it won't get done "Did you buy any wine for tomorrow?"

Me: "No that was stepbrother's errand."

Her: "Okay I'll text him to remind him. I hope he didn't forget."

Me: "Oh he most definitely forgot or doesn't give a crap." *He's the one hosting Christmas Day at his place btw. He assumes that everyone else will do everything for him like buying wine and cooking while he doesn't have to do anything(including cleaning his place). 

I also hate when he hosts. His lack of hosting skills annoy me. I honestly don't understand why one of my sisters doesn't host when she has been talking about doing it for years now.... I even volunteered my place, but unfortunately it's too small and I have cats. A handful of my family are allergic. Yesterday I text my stepbrother about Sunday. It went like this:

Me: What time do you want me to come over for Christmas?

Him: I'm down whenever. Nobody has told me when it's starting though. Dad or *oldest sister* probably know. 

Me: Boy you're the host and it's your house. You should know and have a set time. I'll come over early.

Him: Let me ask oldest sister..... *texts me back a few minutes later* She says 10:30, so come around 10.

Me: Her husband and I are coming at 9 because there's a few things he wants to set up before everyone else comes and I'm helping him. Plus, guy time.

Him: I won't be up that early and ready by then. 

Me: You won't be up at 9am?

Him: I won't be ready at 9. I'll get up at 9:30-10. 

Me: You're the host, you should be up at 8 or 8:30 making sure everything is ready to go. That's how it used to be when I hosted at my old place. 

Thank the fuck Christ my mother has everything pre-done and ready to go food wise. Stepbrother then proceeds to text me a long paragraph on how he still hasn't cleaned his place and hasn't prepared his side dish. Can't wait to see the shit show of his place tomorrow if he's been procrastinating until the last minute like every year. I'll be bringing a bottle of Crown to share with the BILs to get through this shit show. I informed my oldest BIL about the above chat. He responded with, "I got the spare key so we goin over there and waking his ass up!" LOL

Apparently I also get to meet stepbrother's new GF. Hopefully this one is better than the last one he had. Rant over. 

 

 

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43 minutes ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

Might as well start in with the bourbon.

I told you. 

43 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Truth.  I'm having delta-8 gummies for breakfast.

I've vaped delta 8 and didn't love it. I've heard the gummies pack a better punch, though. 

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