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Shart 2020: Hindsight's a bitch


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On 1/2/2020 at 11:11 AM, Jhawk said:

Ate chipotle last night and got some shitty sleep. Woke up around 4 and thought to myself I should just shit the bed rather than walk to the bathroom. I got my ass up though. Trying to be less lazy this year. 

have a buddy who was hungover at a nice hotel one time.  leaned over and threw up on the opposite side of his king size bed and went back to sleep.  I could smell it when I knocked on his door that morning. 

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On 1/23/2020 at 2:21 PM, Post Oak said:

had one today but clenched it in my cheeks before it could evade me.  

I dont even know what I had to eat.  maybe its my body reacting negatively to the fruits and vegetables I've been eating

Fruits and vegetables, what is this some kind of new year's resolution? Regardless, you don't wanna rolling be like that.. it's entirely too risky. 
A steady dose of some fast food with all the fiber stripped out is a great first step in righting this wrong. If you live in or around San Antonio
I highly recommend the carne guisada from Rolando's super tacos. Just one of them will back you up for two days. Remember...

3n6iyd.jpg

 

Edited by Marfa Low Crown
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Long time listener, first time poster.  Always thought this thread was a bit much.  Last night, after date night, i was pleased with myself that i didn't overeat at dinner and more importantly had no soda.  This was big for me since i dined at a steakhouse and like to end a meal with a tall glass of ice cold pop.  As i got out of the car to walk in the house I was proud that i didn't feel stuffed and was surprised that I even needed to let one rip.  So i was walking in all grins and confident when i decided to gently push one more out thereby allowing me to be rid of any other gas i didn't know i had...

2yIK3Tr.gif

No one was more surprised than me.  I literally was like wtf just happened?  Full blown diarrhea by the time i reached the toilet.  I'm still cornfused as to how and what happened.  This experience has forever put doubt in my ability to judge what i'm pushing out.  Fml.

Edited by RollLeft
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1 hour ago, RollLeft said:

This experience has forever put doubt in my ability to judge what i'm pushing out.  Fml.

To become a believer it takes....whatever it takes but the change is permanent. For the last two years anyways I've watched these threads pick up
humbled converts who have had their faith shattered- only to regain a new strength in knowing there are others who also live in
fear and the doubt of their own ass. It is one day at a time we walk this path, hopefully, without any shit in our drawers.

Welcome, Roll, Welcome. 

Edited by Marfa Low Crown
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I don't know if it was the coffee or something I ate, but I am now a member of the #shart2020 club.   Thought it was a fart, turned out to be some black mess that looked like liquified Skoal.   Sat on the toilet for a while and thought I got it all out of me.  Then in between the toilet and shower it hit me again, so I took a shower for myself and then put the bathroom mat in the shower to wash some of the shit off before putting it in the washer.   

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8 hours ago, Bill Brasky said:

I don't know if it was the coffee or something I ate, but I am now a member of the #shart2020 club.   Thought it was a fart, turned out to be some black mess that looked like liquified Skoal.   Sat on the toilet for a while and thought I got it all out of me.  Then in between the toilet and shower it hit me again, so I took a shower for myself and then put the bathroom mat in the shower to wash some of the shit off before putting it in the washer.   

you shit the floor?  You're the new leader in the clubhouse.

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Long time listener, first time poster.  Always thought this thread was a bit much.  Last night, after date night, i was pleased with myself that i didn't overeat at dinner and more importantly had no soda.  This was big for me since i dined at a steakhouse and like to end a meal with a tall glass of ice cold pop.  As i got out of the car to walk in the house I was proud that i didn't feel stuffed and was surprised that I even needed to let one rip.  So i was walking in all grins and confident when i decided to gently push one more out thereby allowing me to be rid of any other gas i didn't know i had...
2yIK3Tr.gif
No one was more surprised than me.  I literally was like wtf just happened?  Full blown diarrhea by the time i reached the toilet.  I'm still cornfused as to how and what happened.  This experience has forever put doubt in my ability to judge what i'm pushing out.  Fml.

Penthouse letters have changed, man.
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12 hours ago, Marfa Low Crown said:

For the last two years anyways I've watched these threads pick up
humbled converts who have had their faith shartered- only to regain a new strength in knowing there are others who also live in
fear and the doubt of their own ass.

Fify 

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21 hours ago, Marfa Low Crown said:

To become a believer it takes....whatever it takes but the change is permanent. For the last two years anyways I've watched these threads pick up
humbled converts who have had their faith shattered- only to regain a new strength in knowing there are others who also live in
fear and the doubt of their own ass. It is one day at a time we walk this path, hopefully, without any shit in our drawers.

Welcome, Roll, Welcome. 

Avatar checks out.

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On 1/26/2020 at 8:26 AM, RollLeft said:

Long time listener, first time poster.  Always thought this thread was a bit much.  Last night, after date night, i was pleased with myself that i didn't overeat at dinner and more importantly had no soda.  This was big for me since i dined at a steakhouse and like to end a meal with a tall glass of ice cold pop.  As i got out of the car to walk in the house I was proud that i didn't feel stuffed and was surprised that I even needed to let one rip.  So i was walking in all grins and confident when i decided to gently push one more out thereby allowing me to be rid of any other gas i didn't know i had...

2yIK3Tr.gif

No one was more surprised than me.  I literally was like wtf just happened?  Full blown diarrhea by the time i reached the toilet.  I'm still cornfused as to how and what happened.  This experience has forever put doubt in my ability to judge what i'm pushing out.  Fml.

Does this story continue in the Getting Laid 2020 thread?

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I had some serious gas since late afternoon. Let out some of the smelliest stuff my body has ever created. At some point in the evening my spidey sense starting tingling. I sat on the throne for a fart and wouldn’t you know, several spots of liquid hot magma accompanied the gas giant. Now my stomach is percolating like a camping coffee maker. It’s gonna be a long night. I’ll probably have skid marks but since I know what I’m dealing with there’ll be no pant loads barring some unforeseen atrocity.

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24 minutes ago, 'stache said:

I had some serious gas since late afternoon. Let out some of the smelliest stuff my body has ever created. At some point in the evening my spidey sense starting tingling. I sat on the throne for a fart and wouldn’t you know, several spots of liquid hot magma accompanied the gas giant. Now my stomach is percolating like a camping coffee maker. It’s gonna be a long night. I’ll probably have skid marks but since I know what I’m dealing with there’ll be no pant loads barring some unforeseen atrocity.

Sweet.  This thread needs some updates.  I hope that you shit yourself, your bed, and your wife, and of course, report back. 

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On 2/10/2020 at 4:37 PM, Gil Bang said:

Right outta nowhere. Caught me by surprise 100%.

They always do....

So far, still dodging bullets in 2020. Went to my favorite taco haunt not far from the shop... felt that all too familiar rumble halfway through lunch
and knew the clock had officially started ticking. I'd like to make an observation here : when you're a serial sharter it really affects where you go and how you
do things. For example, the farther from home / work a restaurant is... the better its bathroom has to be. Otherwise I'm sticking to safety and that's measured by  no more than 5 mins away from a bathroom I know and trust. Also, it doesn't hurt to have some bathrooms staked out around town to help extend your range. I'd like to add that even five minutes is pushing it when you're doing all you can not to push it. I had to speed through a regular speed trap..had I been pulled over, I'd have sharted. I had to go over a train track...had a train come, I'd have sharted. Try to leave yourself more outs than this. 

Anyways made it to the shop, up a flight of stairs in the dark, and jussssssst made it to sanctuary of a cold porcelain bowl which I promptly obliterated with hot road tar belched from Krakatoa itself. There's been some pretty heavy ordinance incoming this year but so far I'm unscathed in 2020. If I wrote this story ten years ago it would have had a sad ending indeed but it's really about removing all trust from your asshole and placing it in yourself instead. If you have to ask...if you have to think...if you have to wonder... it's a shart. 

 

Edited by Marfa Low Crown
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2 hours ago, Marfa Low Crown said:

They always do....

So far, still dodging bullets in 2020. Went to my favorite taco haunt not far from the shop... felt that all too familiar rumble halfway through lunch
and knew the clock had officially started ticking. I'd like to make an observation here : when you're a serial sharter it really affects where you go and how you
do things. For example, the farther from home / work a restaurant is... the better its bathroom has to be. Otherwise I'm sticking to safety and that's measured by  no more than 5 mins away from a bathroom I know and trust. Also, it doesn't hurt to have some bathrooms staked out around town to help extend your range. I'd like to add that even five minutes is pushing it when you're doing all you can not to push it. I had to speed through a regular speed trap..had I been pulled over, I'd have sharted. I had to go over a train track...had a train come, I'd have sharted. Try to leave yourself more outs than this. 

Anyways made it to the shop, up a flight of stairs in the dark, and jussssssst made it to sanctuary of a cold porcelain bowl which I promptly obliterated with hot road tar belched from Krakatoa itself. There's been some pretty heavy ordinance incoming this year but so far I'm unscathed in 2020. If I wrote this story ten years ago it would have had a sad ending indeed but it's really about removing all trust from your asshole and placing it in yourself instead. If you have to ask...if you have to think...if you have to wonder... it's a shart. 

 

This brought a tear to my eye, and I clenched up as soon as you mentioned ascending stairs. 

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On 2/7/2020 at 8:51 PM, Gil Bang said:

Sweet.  This thread needs some updates.  I hope that you shit yourself, your bed, and your wife, and of course, report back. 

Sorry to report, I did none of those things. Although, the follow-up is quite bizarre. I had one more spell of liquid poo, then I suddenly became constipated. Didn't shit for about the next 36 hours, and when I did, I basically had to push out a petrified baseball. My body clearly over-corrected. Has anyone else had this?

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