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Shit My Kid Says


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On 2/9/2021 at 10:31 AM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Every week, we get an email report of all the Google searches that are conducted on the Doomlet's school tablet.
Here's a section from this week's report.

 

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Looks to me like he is preparing for a job in the exciting field of wastewater.  Tell him he would make more money and be held in higher regard if he played piano in a whorehouse, or became a leg breaker for a loan shark.

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My 8 year old daughter: “that puppy was fucking adorable.”

Me: “uh, what was it?”

8 YO “it was fucking adorable. “

Me: “yeah, we don’t say that word even though mom says it every other word. “

8 YO: “why does mom say it?”

Me: “She was raised by your grandma.”

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Crazy. My oldest just turned 12 and is 5'5. Cared nothing about sports 24 months ago. Something clicked about that time. Tall white boy who is slow but played safety because of knowledge of the game.

He has been outside shooting hoops with friends for 2 hours now, and it's 31 degrees here. Handles the ball like a point forward already. Proud Dad.

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Me: Hey, your teacher emailed saying she's gonna start giving "red hands" in class if kids aren't behaving.

6 year old: Yeah, she started doing it last week. Madison got a lot of "red hands".

Me: Oh yeah? Did you get any?

6 year old: I got 3.

Me: What did you do?

6 year old: I really don't want to talk about it...

 

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Went to DQ yesterday when I picked up LilD from school.

He went against his normal kid's cone and got an m&m blizzard. 

Tried one bite and said, "this is fucking good Dad."

I give up.  and just resign myself that he's gonna cuss when Mom isn't around.  Because I can't help but to laugh.

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On 3/6/2021 at 11:45 AM, blacklab said:

Wife and kids waiting for place to open wife is looking at phone, boys are looking over her shoulder at phone.

Wife pulls phone away and says "I'm texting my friends, it's private, you don't need to look."

12yo: "You guys talkin about vibrators?"

Well?   Were they?

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I spent all day today putting together a loft bed with built in desk underneath in my daughter's room.

After breakfast, I got all the shit laid out, ready to go to work. Daughter (10 yr old) takes a look around and says "putting this together is going to suck donkey balls, isn't it dad?"

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  • 2 weeks later...

My daughter (15 and fuck you re pics) just asked “what was that show with the old people on an island?”  Me “you mean ‘Gilligan’s Island?”  “Yeah, what was it about?”  After explaining it I said the best way to explain it is to sign the theme song, which I did.  She looked at me like I was insane.  I told her there was almost nobody in my ag grou who couldn’t sing that entire song word-for-word.

is there ANYONE on here that doesn’t know the whole Gilligan’s Island song?

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On 3/13/2021 at 7:00 PM, High Plains Drifter said:

 

I spent all day today putting together a loft bed with built in desk underneath in my daughter's room.

After breakfast, I got all the shit laid out, ready to go to work. Daughter (10 yr old) takes a look around and says "putting this together is going to suck donkey balls, isn't it dad?"

Best thing I ever did was paying IKEA to build my daughters loft bed.  Only like $125, and it took 2 guys like 2.5 hours to build it.  Fuck that shit.

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31 minutes ago, Sbbruin said:

My daughter (15 and fuck you re pics) just asked “what was that show with the old people on an island?”  Me “you mean ‘Gilligan’s Island?”  “Yeah, what was it about?”  After explaining it I said the best way to explain it is to sign the theme song, which I did.  She looked at me like I was insane.  I told her there was almost nobody in my ag grou who couldn’t sing that entire song word-for-word.

is there ANYONE on here that doesn’t know the whole Gilligan’s Island song?

I know the words from Gilligan's Island.  You can also throw in the Beverly Hillbillies and the Brady Bunch.  Many of those shows back then had catchy tunes.

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Not recently, but my kid was about 7-8 years old.  Coming back from picking him up from Camp Lonehollow with my girlfriend, we decided to stay a couple of days at Lost Pines.  We were out by the pool.  My GF told my boy he needed to apply sunscreen before tearing off.  He went into the bag to find it.  Said, "I only see sunscreen for girls."  GF asks what he means.  He said, "the label says 'broad' something".  It was broad spectrum.  No idea where he learned the "broad" moniker for girls at that age.  Laughter ensued.

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My wife can cuss like a sailor and some of that has drifted into my 3 year old's vocabulary. He dropped a "fuck it" on the playground this past weekend when my wife spilled her drink. Last night he and I had a talk about appropriate language and he really understood the message. He gets that there are some words that aren't appropriate for little kids to use. I know he understood this because he spent the rest of the night walking around the house saying, "no shit."

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On 2/10/2021 at 9:00 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Well, he left the dinner table to go undertake these searches a few minutes ago. 

Go Illini!!! 

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Look on the bright side: he could have searched "Texas Basketball v. poop."

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A number of years ago when my son was 11 or 12 we went to a hockey game with his youth group from church.  A fight ensued during the game and the fans were yelling at the visiting team's goon.  As things begin to quiet down my son stands up and yells "you suck!!"  Being that we were at a "church" event I said that we should not say that.  He looks at me and says, "Dad, you let me yell 'OU SUCKS' at the Texas football games".  I said, "Yeah, but that is different."  A proud dad I am!

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On 4/1/2021 at 10:49 PM, mininghorn88 said:

A number of years ago when my son was 11 or 12 we went to a hockey game with his youth group from church.  A fight ensued during the game and the fans were yelling at the visiting team's goon.  As things begin to quiet down my son stands up and yells "you suck!!"  Being that we were at a "church" event I said that we should not say that.  He looks at me and says, "Dad, you let me yell 'OU SUCKS' at the Texas football games".  I said, "Yeah, but that is different."  A proud dad I am!

Did you explain to him that “Well yes, but OU are a bunch of land grabbing cock gobblers, but this is just a friendly game against other players?”

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