Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Jameslaw121 4440]

a few months ago, I think I posted this on the old board. We recently bought a house and needed a few thing :

 

Wife "Do we have enough money to buy a tooth brush holder?

me with a very confused look on my face "A what?

Wife "A tooth brush holder?"

Me "Like the plastic cup thing that holds tooth bushes in our bathroom. That Costs like $3"

Her "yes"

me " Please don't ask me every time you want to spend $3. We're not destitute, just buy the damn thing"

 

Couple of days later I notice there is a mason jar there.

me "Why is there a mason jar here? I thought you were going to buy a tooth brush holder?"

Her "I figured we could save the $3 and use something we already had."

 

That's fine and all, I don't really give a shit where we put them. Fast forward to this morning:

 

Me : " Why is my toothbrush in a Dickey's cup?"

Her "I didn't know if we had the budget for a toothbrush holder this month"

Me "Really, How much did spend on really bad BBQ???"

 

 

 

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

Does she know you are a rich lawyer that lights cigars with $100 bills?

[PantsTent 2002]

21 hours ago, EE2B said:

My wife was walking our five year old across the street and ran across a dead snake in the driveway. She told me that she had found a snake and I needed to come look. I grab a small shovel and head out to the end of the drive. When I got out there I found a baby snake that was obviously dead. She walks up and I ask her what she wanted me to do. She replied “Kill it.”  I said “It’s already dead. “ She looked me dead in the eye and said “Kill it some more.” 

 

My neighbor once asked me to kill an obviously already dead snake once so this hits close to home.  She also had me come kill a snake that was pretty obvious to me was a long leaf blowing up against the fence.  She's a widow so I guess that doesn't belong here...

[Tyler Durden 132]

So she killed her husband with her repeated outrageous stupidity?  She makes it into the hall of fame for this thread.

[Brew 3006]

1 hour ago, Jameslaw121 said:

a few months ago, I think I posted this on the old board. We recently bought a house and needed a few thing :

 

Wife "Do we have enough money to buy a tooth brush holder?

me with a very confused look on my face "A what?

Wife "A tooth brush holder?"

Me "Like the plastic cup thing that holds tooth bushes in our bathroom. That Costs like $3"

Her "yes"

me " Please don't ask me every time you want to spend $3. We're not destitute, just buy the damn thing"

 

Couple of days later I notice there is a mason jar there.

me "Why is there a mason jar here? I thought you were going to buy a tooth brush holder?"

Her "I figured we could save the $3 and use something we already had."

 

That's fine and all, I don't really give a shit where we put them. Fast forward to this morning:

 

Me : " Why is my toothbrush in a Dickey's cup?"

Her "I didn't know if we had the budget for a toothbrush holder this month"

Me "Really, How much did spend on really bad BBQ???"

 

 

 

I should introduce you to my wife. You will understand the benefits to the above conversation with your wife then.

[Sawbonz 27298]

My wife and I were both home at lunch which rarely happens. I’m rummaging in the fridge and see two leftover hamburger patties from about 3 days ago, which is about the expiration date for leftovers for everyone at my house but me. 

Me - hey do you want me to heat you up one of these burgers? 

Her - no I'll have something else

I heat up both burgers because they’re pretty small and throw them on one bun

Not 5 minutes later, and as I’m just about halfway through with the burger, I hear her looking in the fridge 

Her - are you eating both patties?

Me - MOTHER fffffffff

[ImissWallyPryor 9044]

My wife does this, as did my sister (RIP):

When we are in separate vehicles, and I’m leading her somewhere, she drives like her engine is in limp mode. I’m constantly having to slow down or even pull over so she doesn’t get caught by traffic lights or lose sight of me. But, if she’s leading me somewhere, she drives like a bat-outta-hell crazy woman.

Either way, I think she’s trying to lose me. 

[Equinox 95]

11 hours ago, PantsTent said:

My neighbor once asked me to kill an obviously already dead snake once so this hits close to home.  She also had me come kill a snake that was pretty obvious to me was a long leaf blowing up against the fence.  She's a widow so I guess that doesn't belong here...

This is how the stories in Penthouse Forum begin.....

[Fudge Nuggets 19111]

13 hours ago, PantsTent said:

My neighbor once asked me to kill an obviously already dead snake once so this hits close to home.  She also had me come kill a snake that was pretty obvious to me was a long leaf blowing up against the fence.  She's a widow so I guess that doesn't belong here...

Bow chika bow chika bow...

[MNLonghornFUKM 8795]

13 hours ago, PantsTent said:

My neighbor once asked me to kill an obviously already dead snake once so this hits close to home.  She also had me come kill a snake that was pretty obvious to me was a long leaf blowing up against the fence.  She's a widow so I guess that doesn't belong here...

and.......now we know the rest of the story

 

[Reagan1k 3005]

Mine has to host a luncheon and was doing a test run on a recipe - something passed down on a hand written note card so no indications how much one recipe served.

She made the test batch and then was going to plate it up to see how many it would serve so she could extrapolate for the party.

I come home and there are 16 dirty paper plates in the trash ( I had to count them)- she put a serving on each plate to count it out instead of just spooning a serving on a single plate and then putting that serving into a bowl until she ran out....a bowl I might add that was destined to hold it all in the fridge anyway once she emptied all 16 plates into it after the cooking-calculus was done.

I'm just glad I came home after and didn't walk into a kitchen with paper plates spread all over it - probably saved me from *tone after.  

 

[Frank The Tank 1483]

20 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

a few months ago, I think I posted this on the old board. We recently bought a house and needed a few thing :

 

Wife "Do we have enough money to buy a tooth brush holder?

me with a very confused look on my face "A what?

Wife "A tooth brush holder?"

Me "Like the plastic cup thing that holds tooth bushes in our bathroom. That Costs like $3"

Her "yes"

me " Please don't ask me every time you want to spend $3. We're not destitute, just buy the damn thing"

 

Couple of days later I notice there is a mason jar there.

me "Why is there a mason jar here? I thought you were going to buy a tooth brush holder?"

Her "I figured we could save the $3 and use something we already had."

 

That's fine and all, I don't really give a shit where we put them. Fast forward to this morning:

 

Me : " Why is my toothbrush in a Dickey's cup?"

Her "I didn't know if we had the budget for a toothbrush holder this month"

Me "Really, How much did spend on really bad BBQ???"

 

 

 

Does she think she’s supposed to be buying a new toothbrush holder every single month?

[Jameslaw121 4440]

3 hours ago, Frank The Tank said:

Does she think she’s supposed to be buying a new toothbrush holder every single month?

I have no idea what she was thinking. I didn't ask. I can deal with the Dickey's cup as a cup holder. Little bit ashamed of her for liking Dickey's though

[Sawbonz 27298]

How did she break the mason jar

[Judge Roybeanbag 11773]

5 minutes ago, Sawbonz said:

How did she break the mason jar

I was going to ask the same thing.

[TrashMaster G 17334]

18 minutes ago, Sawbonz said:

How did she break the mason jar

She left the baby unsupervised with it, right?

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4965]

[GhostRider 169]

Ouch.  I bet next time they tie a rope around the neck.

 

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3867]

6 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

Mine has to host a luncheon and was doing a test run on a recipe - something passed down on a hand written note card so no indications how much one recipe served.

She made the test batch and then was going to plate it up to see how many it would serve so she could extrapolate for the party.

I come home and there are 16 dirty paper plates in the trash ( I had to count them)- she put a serving on each plate to count it out instead of just spooning a serving on a single plate and then putting that serving into a bowl until she ran out....a bowl I might add that was destined to hold it all in the fridge anyway once she emptied all 16 plates into it after the cooking-calculus was done.

I'm just glad I came home after and didn't walk into a kitchen with paper plates spread all over it - probably saved me from *tone after.  

 

This ain't the humble brag thread. Wife used paper plates instead of having to wash 16 plates kinda brag.

[After irth 1242]

Bought a whole new bedroom set after remodeling our Master. My wife (no pics) is not high-maintenance at all. We’ve been in our place almost 3 years. Got the whole house the way we want it, gradually, within budget and at our leisure. The Master is the last room to see attention, so I am more than amenable to making the bedroom into what she envisioned. 

Painted the walls a few months back, put in some shelves. One closet got redone last year. Little fixes here and there. 

This weekend, went and bought new bed. New mattress (fucking awesome mattress).  New sheets to match the new colors in the room. New Duvet on order (yes, I am comfortable with my masculinity and still know what a Duvet is). 

Yesterday. Everything is assembled. Put together. Reconfigurated. Cleaned. Dusted. Just the way we want. Got myself some nice fresh firm pillows to go with my new bed, mattress, sheets, etc. Gonna sleep like a mofo (we all know that mofos are well-known for their sleeping). 

This morn, I ask, “How did you sleep?”

”Eh...I could use a new pillow. I think mine is wearing out.”

What chaps my ass in this?  We have thought of nothing for the past four days about bedrooms and bedroom accessories, and she waits until now to remember that she might need a new pillow. 

So...the sucker that I am. I go to the store today, buy her the pillow she normally likes. As usual, I buy 2 so she has a backup. I get home. I go to put the extra pillow in her closet...and there’s already one there...from the last time I bought 2. 

Her response, “Well I don’t look up!”

Currently trying to figure out who’s the bigger idiot. 

 

TL:DR — Just kill yourself now...you can’t win. 

[GSU&UT 1798]

6 hours ago, Sawbonz said:

How did she break the mason jar

Google one guy one jar...or don't.

[Buffsoldier 1895]

3 hours ago, After irth said:

So...the sucker that I am. I go to the store today, buy her the pillow she normally likes.

Here is where you fucked up. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8795]

Not mine(i swear), my friends wife had a window open all of the way yesterday, including the screen, and a freaking barn swallow got into their house. She works from home, one of their ankle biter dogs took care of the bird but not after did some damage. It was 50 degrees yesterday too, noticeably cooler.

 

 

 

[HenryJames 65848]

11 hours ago, After irth said:

Bought a whole new bedroom set after remodeling our Master. My wife (no pics) is not high-maintenance at all. We’ve been in our place almost 3 years. Got the whole house the way we want it, gradually, within budget and at our leisure. The Master is the last room to see attention, so I am more than amenable to making the bedroom into what she envisioned. 

Painted the walls a few months back, put in some shelves. One closet got redone last year. Little fixes here and there. 

This weekend, went and bought new bed. New mattress (fucking awesome mattress).  New sheets to match the new colors in the room. New Duvet on order (yes, I am comfortable with my masculinity and still know what a Duvet is). 

Yesterday. Everything is assembled. Put together. Reconfigurated. Cleaned. Dusted. Just the way we want. Got myself some nice fresh firm pillows to go with my new bed, mattress, sheets, etc. Gonna sleep like a mofo (we all know that mofos are well-known for their sleeping). 

This morn, I ask, “How did you sleep?”

”Eh...I could use a new pillow. I think mine is wearing out.”

What chaps my ass in this?  We have thought of nothing for the past four days about bedrooms and bedroom accessories, and she waits until now to remember that she might need a new pillow. 

So...the sucker that I am. I go to the store today, buy her the pillow she normally likes. As usual, I buy 2 so she has a backup. I get home. I go to put the extra pillow in her closet...and there’s already one there...from the last time I bought 2. 

Her response, “Well I don’t look up!”

Currently trying to figure out who’s the bigger idiot. 

 

TL:DR — Just kill yourself now...you can’t win. 

 

[JimmyHoffa 1188]

Wife- What do you think of this, that, the other thing? 

Me- States my well thought out belief and opinion based on solid logic and fact

Wife- I like my way better

 

And they wonder why we don't listen to them. 

[WhatTheBuck 28696]

12 hours ago, After irth said:

Bought a whole new bedroom set after remodeling our Master. My wife (no pics) is not high-maintenance at all. We’ve been in our place almost 3 years. Got the whole house the way we want it, gradually, within budget and at our leisure. The Master is the last room to see attention, so I am more than amenable to making the bedroom into what she envisioned. 

Painted the walls a few months back, put in some shelves. One closet got redone last year. Little fixes here and there. 

This weekend, went and bought new bed. New mattress (fucking awesome mattress).  New sheets to match the new colors in the room. New Duvet on order (yes, I am comfortable with my masculinity and still know what a Duvet is). 

Yesterday. Everything is assembled. Put together. Reconfigurated. Cleaned. Dusted. Just the way we want. Got myself some nice fresh firm pillows to go with my new bed, mattress, sheets, etc. Gonna sleep like a mofo (we all know that mofos are well-known for their sleeping). 

This morn, I ask, “How did you sleep?”

”Eh...I could use a new pillow. I think mine is wearing out.”

What chaps my ass in this?  We have thought of nothing for the past four days about bedrooms and bedroom accessories, and she waits until now to remember that she might need a new pillow. 

So...the sucker that I am. I go to the store today, buy her the pillow she normally likes. As usual, I buy 2 so she has a backup. I get home. I go to put the extra pillow in her closet...and there’s already one there...from the last time I bought 2. 

Her response, “Well I don’t look up!”

Currently trying to figure out who’s the bigger idiot. 

 

TL:DR — Just kill yourself now...you can’t win. 

Return the new pillows for a refund. 

[GlenFromTheMailRoom 1598]

3 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Return the new pillows for a refund. 

You forgot to add, "and use the money to buy enough beer to drown out her idiocy."

[WhatTheBuck 28696]

4 minutes ago, GlenFromTheMailRoom said:

You forgot to add, "and use the money to buy enough beer to drown out her idiocy."

He bought her new pillows, failed to notice she never used them, apparently forgot he bought them, and bought her two more. I'm going with "that's on him."

[GlenFromTheMailRoom 1598]

34 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Her response, “Well I don’t look up!”

 

24 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

He bought her new pillows, failed to notice she never used them, apparently forgot he bought them, and bought her two more. I'm going with "that's on him."

Nope.

[WhatTheBuck 28696]

15 minutes ago, GlenFromTheMailRoom said:

 

Nope.

Maybe he should've told her he bought her new pillows instead of just sticking them in the closet and expecting her to find them. 

[Pokoloco 1257]

Complaining about her 6 hour a week job at a mother's day out....

Her: ...and If the toys don't get cleaned and put away, I get the blunt of the backlash from Kim....

Me: Kim gives you a blunt? nice.

she continues complaining without a pause..

[NWBuck 8536]

14 hours ago, After irth said:

Bought a whole new bedroom set after remodeling our Master. My wife (no pics) is not high-maintenance at all. We’ve been in our place almost 3 years. Got the whole house the way we want it, gradually, within budget and at our leisure. The Master is the last room to see attention, so I am more than amenable to making the bedroom into what she envisioned. 

Painted the walls a few months back, put in some shelves. One closet got redone last year. Little fixes here and there. 

This weekend, went and bought new bed. New mattress (fucking awesome mattress).  New sheets to match the new colors in the room. New Duvet on order (yes, I am comfortable with my masculinity and still know what a Duvet is). 

Yesterday. Everything is assembled. Put together. Reconfigurated. Cleaned. Dusted. Just the way we want. Got myself some nice fresh firm pillows to go with my new bed, mattress, sheets, etc. Gonna sleep like a mofo (we all know that mofos are well-known for their sleeping). 

This morn, I ask, “How did you sleep?”

”Eh...I could use a new pillow. I think mine is wearing out.”

What chaps my ass in this?  We have thought of nothing for the past four days about bedrooms and bedroom accessories, and she waits until now to remember that she might need a new pillow. 

So...the sucker that I am. I go to the store today, buy her the pillow she normally likes. As usual, I buy 2 so she has a backup. I get home. I go to put the extra pillow in her closet...and there’s already one there...from the last time I bought 2. 

Her response, “Well I don’t look up!”

Currently trying to figure out who’s the bigger idiot. 

 

TL:DR — Just kill yourself now...you can’t win. 

You have extra pillows? All the better to smother her to death in her sleep, IMHO

[PilotsError 2277]

Whoa this got dark.

[Nolacycling 893]

5 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Not mine(i swear), my friends wife had a window open all of the way yesterday, including the screen, and a freaking barn swallow got into their house. She works from home, one of their ankle biter dogs took care of the bird but not after did some damage. It was 50 degrees yesterday too, noticeably cooler.

 

 

 

I came here to get away from the skat pics!

[TrashMaster G 17334]

42 minutes ago, PilotsError said:

Whoa this got dark.

He's from the DC Universe

[SHOOTER12 8782]

16 hours ago, After irth said:

Bought a whole new bedroom set after remodeling our Master. My wife (no pics) is not high-maintenance at all. We’ve been in our place almost 3 years. Got the whole house the way we want it, gradually, within budget and at our leisure. The Master is the last room to see attention, so I am more than amenable to making the bedroom into what she envisioned. 

Painted the walls a few months back, put in some shelves. One closet got redone last year. Little fixes here and there. 

This weekend, went and bought new bed. New mattress (fucking awesome mattress).  New sheets to match the new colors in the room. New Duvet on order (yes, I am comfortable with my masculinity and still know what a Duvet is). 

Yesterday. Everything is assembled. Put together. Reconfigurated. Cleaned. Dusted. Just the way we want. Got myself some nice fresh firm pillows to go with my new bed, mattress, sheets, etc. Gonna sleep like a mofo (we all know that mofos are well-known for their sleeping). 

This morn, I ask, “How did you sleep?”

”Eh...I could use a new pillow. I think mine is wearing out.”

What chaps my ass in this?  We have thought of nothing for the past four days about bedrooms and bedroom accessories, and she waits until now to remember that she might need a new pillow. 

So...the sucker that I am. I go to the store today, buy her the pillow she normally likes. As usual, I buy 2 so she has a backup. I get home. I go to put the extra pillow in her closet...and there’s already one there...from the last time I bought 2. 

Her response, “Well I don’t look up!”

Currently trying to figure out who’s the bigger idiot. 

 

TL:DR — Just kill yourself now...you can’t win. 

Never, NEVER try to pick out a wife's pillow.   The time before last I bought new pillows for myself, she said to get her 2.  I asked her what kind she wanted, "oh just get me the same kind you get."

Got home with the new pillows, and the next morning all I heard was about how horrible the pillows were, too hard etc. etc. why did you get those.  Fast forward to last week, I replaced my pillows and again she asked me to get her 2.   I just said OK, did my thing and came home.  "Where are my pillows? Why didn't you get my pillows?"   I simply looked at her and asked, do you remember what happened last time?  You need to get your own pillows.....TONE.

[NorthLoop 14053]

7 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

 

 

Hey look a schooner!

[Upgrayedd 5798]

51 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Never, NEVER try to pick out a wife's pillow.   The time before last I bought new pillows for myself, she said to get her 2.  I asked her what kind she wanted, "oh just get me the same kind you get."

Got home with the new pillows, and the next morning all I heard was about how horrible the pillows were, too hard etc. etc. why did you get those.  Fast forward to last week, I replaced my pillows and again she asked me to get her 2.   I just said OK, did my thing and came home.  "Where are my pillows? Why didn't you get my pillows?"   I simply looked at her and asked, do you remember what happened last time?  You need to get your own pillows.....TONE.

I have not purchased any of the 10,000 fucking pillows the avatar needs to survive the night

[High Plains Drifter 10961]

44 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

I have not purchased any of the 10,000 fucking pillows the avatar needs to survive the night

I don't think I've ever purchased a pillow in my entire life.

 

 

[TrashMaster G 17334]

51 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

I have not purchased any of the 10,000 fucking pillows the avatar needs to survive the night

Looks like she packs her own pillows

[NorthLoop 14053]

7 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

I don't think I've ever purchased a pillow in my entire life.

 

 

Yeah I'm pretty sure they just manifest themselves 

[High Plains Drifter 10961]

Just now, NorthLoop said:

Yeah I'm pretty sure they just manifest themselves 

Kind of like hangers.

[miguelito 11169]

1 hour ago, High Plains Drifter said:

Kind of like hangers.

One of my contributions on the other site was:

 

She bought some new hangers

because we were running low

because she threw some out

because we had too many.

[LW Goatman 1117]

Long day with child, put child down late, dinner discussion for us goes as follows:

Wife: Are we eating at home or should i get something?

Me: Home is fine, we have all of that BBQ left.

Wife: I'm tired and don't want to cook.

Me: No need, we have a all of that BBQ left.

Her: I don't want any BBQ, I'm going to pick something up.

Me: Ok, the BBQ is fine but if you want something else that'll work for me.

Her: What do you want me to get.

Me: Not picky, whatever sounds good to you.

Her: I'm not playing this game, you better pick something.

 

And as we all know, she's never picked any damn restaurant her life. I just bring up restaurant after restaurant until she decides one will work. My first suggestion was BBQ which didn't go over well.

Edited May 2, 2018 by LW Goatman
Close the loop

[High Plains Drifter 10961]

20 minutes ago, LW Goatman said:

Long day with child, put child down late, dinner discussion for us goes as follows:

Wife: Are we eating at home or should i get something?

Me: Home is fine, we have all of that BBQ left.

Wife: I'm tired and don't want to cook.

Me: No need, we have a all of that BBQ left.

Her: I don't want any BBQ, I'm going to pick something up.

Me: Ok, the BBQ is fine but if you want something else that'll work for me.

Her: What do you want me to get.

Me: Not picky, whatever sounds good to you.

Her: I'm not playing this game, you better pick something.

 

And as we all know, she's never picked any damn restaurant her life. I just bring up restaurant after restaurant until she decides one will work. My first suggestion was BBQ which didn't go over well.

I hope to hell your response to her last snark was "OK, I pick BBQ"

[MNLonghornFUKM 8795]

21 minutes ago, LW Goatman said:

Long day with child, put child down late, dinner discussion for us goes as follows:

Wife: Are we eating at home or should i get something?

Me: Home is fine, we have all of that BBQ left.

Wife: I'm tired and don't want to cook.

Me: No need, we have a all of that BBQ left.

Her: I don't want any BBQ, I'm going to pick something up.

Me: Ok, the BBQ is fine but if you want something else that'll work for me.

Her: What do you want me to get.

Me: Not picky, whatever sounds good to you.

Her: I'm not playing this game, you better pick something.

 

And as we all know, she's never picked any damn restaurant her life. I just bring up restaurant after restaurant until she decides one will work. My first suggestion was BBQ which didn't go over well.

Whatd you end up doing?

[HenryJames 65848]

39 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Whatd you end up doing?

Twenty five to life for killing her.

[TrashMaster G 17334]

40 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Whatd you end up doing?

Receiving tone.

[markstanco 12464]

Wife bought a golden doodle MUTT without asking. $1000. Not happy at all, kinda. Trying to figure out what to do to offset it. May go to Argentina to dove hunt ot buy a really really nice over/under. 

No way would I simply buy an additional family member without consultation. 

[Biff Tannen 45439]

Wow.